Healing Power of Resilience, Optimism, & Hope: Moving Forward from Trauma, PTSD, Physical & Psychological Abuse & Illness — Dave Pelzer
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Dave Pelzer (40-minute) audio podcast, 'Weekly Infusion' (with Dr. Drew Pinsky & Dr. Bruce Heischober): drdrew.com/2017/weekly-infu...
[Consider starting at ~minute 1:10 to bypass adverts.]
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Podcast description reads:
"Dave Pelzer, bestselling author of "A Child Called It", describes how his picture-perfect childhood spiraled into a hellish nightmare of physical and psychological abuse when his mother became a raging alcoholic. Nearly killed by her on several occasions, Dave’s case was one of the worst be documented in the state of California at that time. Dave is now a popular motivational speaker who extols the healing powers of resilience, optimism and hope."
Thought this might shed some light 🕯 🔦 💡 on what we've personally experienced and/ or witnessed & might be of interest (deeply insightful) to some. 😌 🙏
A mature, balanced ⚖ perspective from an individual 'putting into context' their early life experience 👶 👦 — reflecting back decades later 👱 👴.
For those of us who've been traumatised 😦 😲 😱 (no matter at what stage of life or by what means), re-framing our experience & attempting to understand it 🤔 , may help us 'move forward' positively, productively. 🙏 👍
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• Evil — psychopathy(?) biology in brain of people who were abused: lose all empathy. 'Revenge factor'/ 'bully factor'. Getting even, feeding off that anxiety & sense of control.
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• Resilience. Bad things happen. Get the help that you need.
• Not trying to offend anyone, 'walking on eggshells'.
• Live a good life.
• Ostracized for speaking the truth.
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• Kind, gentle, polite, laugh, & feel good about oneself — whilst not offending or hurting anyone. Being true to oneself, yet inevitably people will be upset.
• Family secrets, minimising, denial of what was really going on, victimising/ scapegoating/ ostracising the 'truth teller'. (Generational traumas.)
• Catharsis.
• Appreciation of good luck.
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• 'Make your luck.' Live by personal code of ethics/ standards. Lead by example.
• Problem is keeping secrets & once they're exposed becoming the black sheep again & having to prove yourself over & over & over.
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• Take things "1 day at a time". Do all that you can for the now. Hopefully have a sense of appreciation.
• See so much anger in people . . .
• Do 5 things today that make you happy. Be appreciative of the life that you have.
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• Through growing older, 'not taking a lot for granted'.
• 'On the back 9 of life'.
• Elements of luck.
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• Resilience: How can you 'survive' whatever difficulty besets you.
• Try something. Don't live in fear.
• Do 3 nice things a day.
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• If you can survive tragedy, you can survive something that is not so bad.
• A child trying to survive — creates a hyper-vigilance. Autonomic nervous system always on high gear. PTSD comes in. Shatters the regulatory capacity.
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• Inability (not the strength nor courage nor guts) to escape the perpetual victim — couldn't escape the 'abusive husband syndrome' per se. Hated self for that.
• Losing sleep, anxiety off the charts.
• Hyper-vigilance. We want to relax.
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• Embrace things. Give it your best.
• No quick fix. No overnight or instantaneous fixes.
• Look at your situation for where you're at & hopefully move forward.
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• Residual effect: problems with trust, intimacy. Anti-social (keep to self & close family, friend).
• There is no 'normal' — no 'normal life' — there's just life.
• Savour a great day.
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• 'When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."
• You do all that you can as much as you can.
• Gratitude — important for happiness.
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• Perpetual victim:
2 words that will change your life: "grow up".
3 words that will change your life "grow up now".
• Be happy. Be happy now.
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• Grow up = complete your developmental process. Don't get stunted.
• Take accountability for your actions & your inactions.
• Become an adult. Be autonomous.
• Take action where you can, take a form of action.
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• Looking at the psychosis (in a sense), the more you involve into yourself, become more depressed, there's no outside world.
• Watch kids play, go outside in the sun, take a walk, take some form of action.
• Do 3 nice things a day. Live outside of yourself.
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• Get the help you need so you can live a happy fulfilled life.
• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).
• Learn to put things in perspective. Think about solution & action.
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• The brain loops Learned behaviour. Doing things the same way. Break that cycle.
• Tendency to look at problems for what they are rather that what they truly were.
• Dissect as much as can the potpourri of problems.
• Habits: habit of thought, of action, of gratitude. Need to be practiced daily — regularly.
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• Trust issue. Salacious article. Truth is known in our heart.
• If someone thinks of you in a certain way, you can't really help that.
• You don't need to engage in the negativity. All you can do is be the best person you can be every single day.
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• "That's his side of the street." Very 1-sided & very negative.
• People don't read behind the lines. White noise.
• Let the horses run the race. The truth will come out or their character will come out.
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• You're character comes out not when everything is perfect when you're at the worst of the worst of the worst — that's when your true character comes out.
• Swallow it & move on.
• Father's fire badge# 1522; son's fire badge# 152-A.
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• "In the course of a life one never knows what events may transpire, so you kind of have to make your own life as best you can."
Exactly & giving to our children. 👍 Not necessarily an abundance of 'material' things, but the love, care, attention they require/ deserve. And, setting a good example for them of how to behave towards others & how to think/ reason for themselves. 👍
[Think what we do towards our children is reflected back to us down the road. 😌 It can bite us on the 🌙🌙 or be a blessing 😇. Perhaps we do indeed 'reap what we sow'. 🤔 ]
"There really are people and institutions made up of people, who respond with hatred in the presence of goodness and would destroy the good insofar as it is in their power to do so. They do this not with conscious malice but blindly, lacking awareness of their own evil -- indeed, seeking to avoid any such awareness. As has been described of the devil in religious literature, they hate the light and instinctively will do anything to avoid it, including attempting to extinguish it. They will destroy the light in their own children and in all other beings subject to their power.
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Evil people hate the light because it reveals themselves to themselves. They hate goodness because it reveals their badness; they hate love because it reveals their laziness. They will destroy the light, the goodness, the love in order to avoid the pain of such self-awareness. My second conclusion, then, is that evil is laziness carried to its ultimate, extraordinary extreme. As I have defined it, love is the antithesis of laziness. Ordinary laziness is a passive failure to love. Some ordinarily lazy people may not lift a finger to extend themselves unless they are compelled to do so. Their being is a manifestation of nonlove; still, they are not evil.
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Truly evil people, on the other hand, actively rather than passively avoid extending themselves. They will take any action in their power to protect their own laziness, to preserve the integrity of their sick self. Rather than nurturing others, they will actually destroy others in this cause. If necessary, they will even kill to escape the pain of their own spiritual growth. As the integrity of their sick self is threatened by the spiritual health of those around them, they will seek by all manner of means to crush and demolish the spiritual health that may exist near them.
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I define evil, then, as the exercise of political power -- that is, the imposition of one’s will upon others by overt or covert coercion -- in order to avoid extending one’s self for the purpose of nurturing spiritual growth. Ordinary laziness is nonlove; evil is antilove.
I don't know... I think evil is methodical, slow, conscious and deliberate - not something that someone doesn't truly know about themselves. Even if they don't know they are doing it, unless the person is a sociopath, they have to know at some of the deepest levels of their soul and heart that the things the do to others is wrong (not just people but all sentient beings). To say that they don't recognize it in themselves is to give them a "pass" for their behavior, and I am not inclined to do that.
I take your point, CaerylUSA. Definitely see your point. 👍 🙏
Agreed, giving "a pass" for poor/ egregious behavior is hard to swallow.
Hard to "forgive 'n forget" — especially with the harm the perpetrator leaves in their wake affecting multiple lives (inter-generational 👪 👨👩👧👦 trauma, yada, yada, yada . . .) . . .
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Think if we're coming from the point of view of a non-sociopath, a non-psychopath — we can't imagine it being remotely possible there's a lack of awareness/ willfulness in harming another sentient being! 🤔 (Simply impossible for us 'to do' or imagine!! 😳 😨 )
Yet, my understanding is, there's enough of a proportion of the population who are indeed 'sociopaths/ psychopaths' (or have some 'pathology') that we question their ability to even care about the harm/ cruelty they inflict upon others. 😳
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They appear to be so removed from care/ concern about 'others' that, they really 'don't care'.
They are so absorbed by their own needs/ drives/ 'inner demons' 😈 that they've no qualms about scapegoating 🐐 , projecting their frustrations 😖 / issues onto others, & enacting those aggressions 😡 on to others (innocents 👶 ) to relieve their own inner turmoil 😩. 😱
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Some (it appears), lack true emotional feelings 😶 , therefore are (frighteningly) incapable of genuinely feeling empathy towards others . . . (Scary, scary 💩 ! 😱 )
[Yes, they can put on a 'public face/ show 🎭 ' of emotion — but genuinely do not (cannot) feel 'feelings' that you or I do. Yes, very, very difficult for (genuinely feeling) people to comprehend/ imagine such a thing . . . 🤔 ]
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Should you ever have the misfortune of being in the presence of (true) 'evil' 👿 , their bone-chilling cold wind ❄️💨 will inform you. 😨
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In best Pythonesque fashion: run away . . . run away . . . 🏃 . . . 🏃 :
Ha ha ha ha - I was about to argue with you on a couple of points and then you took all my steam away with Monty Python - Ha ha ha - Have a great night!
Some people go out of their way to cause chaos & pain to others...See how many bruises they can give their child that is hidden under their clothes....and the child is happy because buises heal....emotional pain doesn't.
------Sad to admit I just describe the 2 people that were supposed to nurture my husband...yes his so called parents
It's strange - I was adopted at 9 by my aunt and uncle and for some reason (I guess she was forced into the adoption), she hated me. She beat me every day for 9 years until I hopped a fence at 12:30 at night and went to live with my best friend and her family, and then into the Army. But I would say that unless something jogs the memories (like this post), I generally don't think about her. I had a right old argument with a friend one time about forgive and forget, and I told her I could forget my mother, but I would never forgive her. She kept trying to tell me I had to forgive too, and to this day, I still don't think so...
It never occurred to me however, that there might be a connection with my past in the AI diseases I am dealing with. Hmm Interesting thought Kai - thanks!
Sounds like you're in a much better place (psychologically) now. 👍
Just as an aside: I've heard it said many a time, it helps to 'forgive' the other person (offender) — not necessarily for them, but for ourself. 🤔 (Merely something I've heard. 👂)
That doesn't necessarily mean 'reconnecting' with that person (in any manner) — merely meaning 'forgiving them in your heart 💔 ', attempting to understand their 'pathology' 😶 . . . 🤔
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Agreed, 'forget'?! 🤔
'Forgetting' is an impossibility. Seared into memory forever . . . 😳
Yet, perhaps seeing/ understanding what a deeply troubled person that was & what perhaps was 'done to them' (at some point in their 'innocent' life) to push them to a point of losing their humanity (taking out their anger, frustration, disappointment, etc. & projecting it all onto a youngster . . . 🤔 😦
[How smart 🤓 you were to 'exit' the situation & how fortunate 🍀 your friend's family kindly took you in 🏠. 🙏 Your instincts allowed you to survive. 👍 Thank goodness for that!! 🙏 👍 🤗 ]
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Think what the perpetrator's 'inner life' must have been like — to have such hatred toward a young innocent!! 😳 😯 (To actually go so far as to repeatedly beat a youngster?! 😱 🙃 )
A troubled soul indeed. 😧 (Pity them all the more . . . 😔 🙏 )
[The damage created/ perpetuated by unwell minds . . . unwell individuals — very, very sad, unfortunate, all round . . . 😞 ]
Very glad you got through it, CaerylUSA with your wits about you . . . 🙏 🌺 (Am so sorry such an awful trauma was inflicted upon you. 😔 🙏 )
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If you visit Cathy777's post, "Trauma" ( healthunlocked.com/nras/pos... ), you'll see a string of horrific traumas so many of us have lived through . . . 🙏
Guess no one in 'this life' escapes trauma, misfortune, etc. . . . [Think it's doubly, triply (exponentially) . . . horrific when inflicted upon an innocent. 😔 😦 😪 ]
Glad you survived it, are able to talk about it, & can reflect back on it with equanimity, CaerylUSA. 🙏 Brave, brave, lady. 👍
[My heart 💓 goes out to you, dear lady. 🙏 Wishing you continued healing as time goes on & this trauma fades further & further into the distant pass — even though we can never forget . . . 🙏 ]
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Think what strength 💪, resilience 😌 you had within you to get through it!! 🤔 👍 🤗
And, think how you'd re-summoned that inner strength to get through your military career, your current battle with disease . . . 🤔 👍 🙏 (Battles not for 'the faint of heart' . . . 😯 )
Give yourself a hug 🙅 & a pat on the back 💁 for getting through it all, CaerylUSA. 🤗 👍 🙏
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Yes, I too think these personal traumas we endure, 'sets something in motion' (triggers?) within us? 🤔
Prolonged stressors 😣 😖, deep, profound grieving 😞 😓, etc. is just too much for our body 🚶 , mind 🙇 , spirit 👻 to bear . . . Simply overwhelming 😫 😩 😲 .
Perhaps a catalyst/ trigger to switch on the cascade of bodily 'self-attack'/ autoimmune disease . . . ? 🤔
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Wishing you the very best, CaerylUSA. 🙏 🌺 🍀 🌞
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[Yes, think Dave Pelzer gives us an awful lot to think about how to heal — to move through & to move on from these psychological, spiritual, physical traumas/ wounds . . . 🤔 Think (like everything) —'it takes time'. ⌛️ ]
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So sorry to read this CaerylUSA. How anyone could hurt a child is beyond me.
I never liked the words forgive & forget until I thought of them another way.
I will never forget the wrong done to me, but I will forgive the pain that I held. The pain was emotional and it kept me "frozen" in emotional pain. So I forgave myself for keeping myself in emotional pain...as for the perpetrator of the pain?....no forgiveness there, may they burn.....
Oh yeah - What I went through was traumatic at the time, but about the biggest effect it had on me was to make me afraid to have children for fear that I would be the same kind of mother =(
I am so blessed that I have a wonderful husband who is as gentle and understanding about everything as he is tall (6'7"). I love tall men, which is probably why I am crazy about Wheeler Dealers' Edd China.
Nope - I can forget, but I don't think anything in my makeup would allow me to feel better just by "forgiving" her. I didn't deserve what she did and it's past.
Think the mere fact that you were concerned about being the 'same kind of mother' may well have reduced the probability of your ever becoming that — especially avoiding re-enacting those sorts of behaviours. 🤔 👍
(Thinking people who lack awareness/ 'consciousness' are the folks who have a higher probability of defaulting to those 'poor' behaviours — unwittingly becoming 'perpetrators' themselves? 🤔 )
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Well, you've a lovely 6'7" 😳 'bouncing baby boy'!! [Imagine carrying that inside you for 9 months!!! 😳 🙃 😂 Oy vey!! 😱 Gawd bless his mum!! 🙏 😂 ]
You can pamper & lavish affection on that darl'n boy of yours, dear lady. 🙏 🌺 😘 💕
Love & spoil each other to bits . . .💗 💑 🙏 (What better gift 🎁 is there than that?! 😌 )
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Agreed, no need to forgive her. 🙏 😌 It's a blessing you can put it in the past & move on. Absolutely, you didn't deserve any of it! (There are some frightfully 'sick' people in the world who do a lot of damage. Sad, sad, scary, scary thing . . . 😔 😨 )
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Read this shocking obit quite awhile back: RGJ archives: Full text of Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick's obituary: rgj.com/story/news/2014/06/... (Don't know if you ever stumbled upon it, but it may strike a chord — perhaps even be 'cathartic'? Fully understandable feelings. 😔 🙏 ) The damage inflicted upon innocents tender psyche is horrific.
[Bit more context/ explanation: I Wrote The "Scathing Obituary" About My Mother, And Here's Why I Did It And Have No Regrets: xojane.com/it-happened-to-m... ]
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Thankfully you'd the inner strength & fortitude to 'move on', CaerylUSA. 🙏 💪 👍 You didn't get stuck in a 'synaptic groove'. Blessedly you carried on & left the past behind. 🙏 🤗 👍
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😂 😂 😂 Wheeler Dealers' Edd China! 🤗 😄 😁
Okay, okay . . .
The 3 of you are out on a boat 🚣 . You 👩 prancing about in your 👙 , your beloved 👨 is 🎣 , & Edd China 👱 is working on a small 🚗 . (It's a very large boat. 😉 😆 )
The boat capsizes 🌊 & you're the only one who can swim 🏊 .
You can save only 1 of the men: 👨 or 👱 .
Who do you save? 🤔
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😳 😂 😯
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Only 1 now . . .
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😂 😂 😂
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[No worries, neither your beloved nor Edd China, will be informed of your decision. 😁 (It's not like this is out on the Internet or anything . . . 😳 😂 😉 ) We're all sworn to secrecy. 😁 🙃 😆 ]
It's interesting - I went so far as to have my tubes tied when I was 27 out of that fear of being a hateful mother. But I have had so many friends and family that have told me they really wished I could have had kids... Maybe I would have been okay - As it was, I ended up adopting 4 legged kids instead. We tried to adopt 2 legged kids, but at the time it was taking years and you had to agree to take an interracial family of at least three children with the oldest being at least 9. My hubby was only 28 at the time and we weren't sure how well that would work so we dropped out of the program.
I actually had seen that obituary. First I laughed because it made realize that I will probably do the same thing when my adoptive mother is dead. And I completely understand the son who won't keep pictures of her because they make him nervous. For me, it would just flaming p*** me off every. single. time. I saw it. so, nope there.
Ahhh, that is not even a choice. I love watch Edd, but I would give up my life in a flash, no thought required for my love. And in your scenario, I would just hold my honey, he could hold Edd and we would all survive or maybe none of us would. But I dang well wouldn't just leave anyone at all to drown. =) Not my style
Oh my goodness! How awful to be so frightened/ terrorised to make such a life-altering decision at such a young age. [Truly wonder if people ever realise the impact they have on others lives. 🤔 (Head-shaking shame. 😌 )] Oh well, your beloved 4-leggeds have reaped the rewards!! 🤗
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Wow 😯, asking a young couple to take on *3* children all at once sounds like asking an awful lot for prospective new parents⁉️ [Good grief. 😳 😱 Unless your birthing twins or triplets, usually new parents start off with 1 at a time — to at least get 'adjusted' over time.] To ask a young couple to take on 3 children (of varying ages) 'all at once' sounds like being thrown into the deep end of the pool‼️ 😱 🙃 Yes indeed, backing out of that program sounds perfectly sensible. 😌 🙏 (Smart lady. 👍 )
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😂 😂 😂
Love your answer❣
Fortunately the car 🚗 Edd was working on (on the boat 🚣 ) was an aquatic vehicle, so after you held on to your honey, Edd came round, scooped you both on board 🚗 & brought you all safely back to shore. 🏖
🤗 🤗 🤗
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Your 4-leggeds 🐈 . . 🐈 . . are damned lucky to have you, CaerylUSA!! 🤗 You are a good mum. 😇
Think you're getting 'the best love in the world' from 'the critters'.
Perhaps they 🐱 🐶 🐹 🐥 are one of the keys towards healing our broken hearts, minds, spirits?! 🤔
Ahhh - Good answer - I actually have seen that amphibious vehicle show about four times - it is always a great one. Ha ha - Thanks for the other option to the question!
Well, I've seen several studies that indicate that animals are healing to us physically, mentally, psychically... They truly are little wonders.
Apropos of nothing . . . found this delightfully funny obit of a fellow (Terry Ward) well-loved & (apparently) well-lived: geisenfuneralhome.com/m/?p=...
(May we each be remembered so fondly/ lovingly & pass with a wink & a smile in remembrance. ☺️ 🙏 )
My hubby was scared to have kids because of the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father.
Whenever our son misbehaved, my hubby would stop and ask himself "what would my dad have done to me?" ...then he would do the exact opposite.
Today my hubby claims having a good healthy relationship with his son is what he is most proud of.
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Awww - That is a wonderful approach - I should have thought of that. Good for your husband... Again, what a wonderful man!
Oh Kai...This photo you posted has such a profound emotional response from me. Thank you. I want to enlarge it and hang it on the wall in my family room. Love the way the plant breaks through the concrete to shine
Another substantive, fascinating (audio) discussion about the evolution of the human autonomic nervous system, vagus nerve ('think' emotional regulation, trauma, connection to Wim Hof's vagus nerve work ( wimhofmethod.com/uploads/kc... ), etc.):
• Dr. Steven Porges (Polyvagal Theory), Dr. Cheryl Arutt along with Dr. Drew Pinsky, Dr. Bruce Heischober (Weekly Infusion, 44 minutes): drdrew.com/2017/wi-33-dr-st...
"Dr. Janina Scarlet calls in to talk about Superhero Therapy and geek culture. Wes Chapman also joins the show to further investigate more evidence based treatments and the effects of a hero’s journey through acceptance. . . ."
"Dr. Drew’s favorite guest on his Dr. Drew Podcast. Dr. Allan Schore is on the clinical faculty of the Department of Psychiatry and Biobehavioral Sciences, UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, and at the UCLA Center for Culture, Brain, and Development. His Regulation Theory, grounded in developmental neuroscience and developmental psychoanalysis, focuses on the origin, psychopathogenesis, and psychotherapeutic treatment of the early forming subjective implicit self."
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[Apologies for not taking notes. 🙏 Rich in depth & meaning. Have been listening to a few times to wrap mind around concepts. Fascinating 'stuff'.]
• EFT is a new technique that induces relaxation which helps people respond positively to negative emotions like pain, anger and frustration.
• The context in which we experience pain really affects how we experience that pain.
• Robyn observed that people with auto-immune diseases have highly sensitive temperament and EFT is a more effective technique of dealing with them.
• One of Robyn's Client was a young girl who was crippled with juvenile inflammatory arthritis can now walk after undergoing EFT.
• Many people's RA is triggered by chronic antibiotic use.
• Robyn observed that it is very challenging for many people to prioritize their health above fitting in, conforming and socializing
• People who have auto-immune diseases under control are still at risk of flares if they become very stressed because micro stress can destabilize the gut microbiome
• Even little kids can learn the EFT
• EFT is also helpful in unlocking creativity
• EFT is a great therapy for people with RA since it helps people deal with pain positively.
A fascinating discussion on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) from Dr. Lisa Palmer-Olsen ( drlisapalmerolsen.com/ ) & Dr. Sue Johnson ( drsuejohnson.com/ ):
Additional thoughts for Trauma/ PTSD sufferers from Dr. Janet Settle ( janetsettle.com/about-me/ ) Integrative Psychiatry in her presentation: "All You Need is (the capacity to receive) Love — Psychological Trauma & Mortality”:
Journey to 100 Session 2: Fresh Thinking - Dr. Janet Settle [Functional Forum] (22 minutes):
Video segmented at: Journey To 100: Evolution of Medicine (Functional Medicine & Importance of 'Community'): healthunlocked.com/cure-art... for ease of use.
"Trauma expert Bobby Chacon @BobbyChaconFBI and Dr. Erin Foster @DrErinFoster join Bob [Forrest] and Drew [Pinsky] as they interview John and his new wife Moira after their recent harrowing experience on October 1, 2017 at the Route 91 Harvest Festival in Las Vegas Nevada."
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Although the PTSD* conversation is in the context of a 'mass shooting', the working through the PTSD by each individual overlaps with techniques (EMDR, TRE, . . .) used no matter the catalyst/ source of trauma. (Merely food for thought for those who are interested.)
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*PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) — "An autonomic memory embedded in your body"
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Trauma therapies:
• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing)
• Discharging from the cellular level, self-care, mindfulness, laughter . . .
• TRE (Tension, Stress & Trauma Releasing Exercises)
• "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."healthunlocked.com/nras/pos...
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