Hopeless...nothing will get better

[notlrac]

Hi everyone. I have been a long time sufferer of depression and anxiety (both diagnosed, and treated with meds and psychotherapy). I'm a 47 year old man, married over 20 years, and the only thing that makes my life worth living anymore is my 11 year old daughter, that I love more than life itself. I'm so afraid of dying and leaving her behind, or hurting her psychologically. Yet she sees me crying all the time. I have terrible health anxiety, specifically of cancer. I am always fearing that there is a cancer growing inside me that is killing me, and thinking things like "this is the last Christmas I will ever see", or "I will never see then end of Game of Thrones, or some other show or movie I might like". The worst is "I will never see my baby girl grow up," and since she's an only child, the pain of leaving her to live this life alone is almost too much to bear. My lifelong best friend, more like my brother, died suddenly of cardiac arrest at age 41 in 2013, leaving behind his 11 year old and 14 year old kids. I have never got over it. I've never had many friends, but he was the one person in this world I trusted to tell everything, and we talked so much. We shared so much. I had a brekdown of health anxiety after his death, going through tens of thousands of dollars in tests that found nothing killing me at that moment. I went through a heart catheterization, and I'm sure the doctors thought I'd need a stent or surgery since I'm a fat diabetic, but no, my heart was perfect (at the time). My arteries were clear. I have no history of heart disease in my family. So then my fears turned to Cancer, which to me is the scariest, most horrible thing ever. I just knew I had pancreatic cancer. I obsessed over it. I went through scans, scopes, blood tests, complaining of pain in my abdomen. This was in 2013. Nothing was ever found. Of course, I eventually made a bit of a truce with my HA. I was put on Klonopin, and a couple different anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. I've been on so many. Cymbalta, Bupropion, Fluoxetine, Pristiq, Effexor, Abilify, Lamictal, Paxil, etc. etc. etc. Nothing ever really helped. Most recently I was on Trintellix starting last July. Then I started getting strange visible bleeding in my urine!! Horrifying and scary. My cancer fears jumped right to 110% again because all Goggle tells you is that blood in the urine is cancer until it's ruled otherwise. This started in September. I have been a ball of super anxiety ever since. I have been scoped and scanned. They say no cancer, but then the blood came back. It has happened on three days. Sept. 4th. And Nov. 13th and 14th. My tests were in September. I am supposed to see my urologist again for a follow up about the November bleeding this Friday. He has indicated he might want to run more tests, although he also says my initial scopes and scans were "thorough and very reassuring". I hate these scopes. They hurt, and drive my anxiety beyond control. I asked if they could do it under sedation, and they won't. I am just so scared of dying. I'm petrified I have a cancer in my urinary tract that is killing me, and they can't find it, and nobody seems all that concerned. The blood in the urine is about the scariest symptom a person like me, with obsessive tendencies, could have. It is so ominous if you even dare to look at google, which I have done over and over. I will continue this is a new post under this one since I'm about out of characters....

[notlrac]

Continuing....My therapist sent me to an inpatient mental health facility for assessment. They wanted me to be placed in their Intensive Outpatient program which runs from 4-6 weeks long, every day. I could not afford it. I see my tehrapist today and can't wait to talk to him about it.

I think about dying constantly. I wish I was never born. This FEAR is overwhelming me. I know I will never feel healthy or good ever again. Death is a certainty, it's only a matter of when and how, and I am so scared it is coming soon for me. The thought drives me to tears. I miss the past so much. I miss my daughter being small, and I was a stay at home parent with her. I miss taking her to the park, helping her learn, having her hold my hand when we would go to the store. I see any pictures of her when she was little and I cry. I see playgrounds with little kids and I cry. I hear songs and I cry. She sees me because I cant't control it. She knows how sad I am, and it makes me feel so shameful. I am pouring tears right now typing this. I get all panicked at different times of the day. I saw a warning on the Trintellix bottle, and on their commercial, about abnormal bleeding, so I stopped the Trintellix cold on Nov. 14th. I am taking only 0.5 mg Klonopin once or twice a day now, but I've been on it since 2013, and it doesn't feel like it's doing anything. I am on no anti-D for the first time in over a decade and I feel like I'm losing my mind. Sometimes I do want to die just to end this pain, fear, and feelings of hoplessness, but I am scared of death, scared of pain. I don't know what to do anymore. My wife can't understand me. I sometimes wonder if she'll leave me, though she is very Catholic and pretty determined to remain in marriage, plus she's 5 years older than me and really doesn't seem to have interest in doing much besides work, and relaxing at home. But she is scientific in her thinking, and has a hard time understanding the way I think and feel. I am sorry I'm putting her through this. I just want to go back in time. I just want to live the happier times I had in the past. Sure, I had some depression and fears, especially after my friend's death, but it was nothing compared to now, at least in hindsight. I have accomplished nothing in this world other than raising a good person in my daughter. I am worthless otherwise. i have no job. We moved to this city two years ago for my wife's work, and I hate it here. I wanted to stay where we were. I had a job and a life. I had people to talk to. I have nothing here, and my health has gotten worse and worse since we came here. I was already 320 pounds, and have gained 50 pounds in the 2 years I've been here. I had lost 100 pounds prior to moving here, so it's all piling back on, and I can't stop it, even though I exercise, mainly by walking 5K 6 out of every 7 days. But I am losing hope. Actually, I have lost hope. Nothing ends well. We all die. It is random. It can happen any time, and every day is one day closer. Will it be today, tomorrow, next month? Will I be suffering through cancer treatments that will cost thousands and thousands of dollars and not work? Will cancer be caught too late to do anything? We are already in debt from the scopes and scans in September. What more can I do? I am losing the will to fight anymore. I don't want the fear and pain. Life has no joy. I don't enjoy anything I used to like to do. I have no friends. I only have my daughter. I want her to be happy, not worrying about me, or sad because of me, or alone because I died. I don't know what to do. I floating over the edge of a cliff, feeling like it's all going to end. I just want to go backwards to a time when I was better.

[HappyThinkin in reply to notlrac]

Im so sorry you are feeling this miserable. I think an inpatient program would be the best option for you to get over this acute phase of anxiety. Have you checked if there are reduced/scaled payment options in addition to insurance covering some of the cost? You need to get better for your family. Please talk to your therapist again and your doctor. They will help you. Do you have a psychiatrist?

[BrittA1990]

I am going through some what of the same thing, so your not alone. I have extreme health anxiety unfortunately. I even went as far as looking up yawning to much & went into a panic attack after looking it up on google. I came to the conclusion I need to stop searching my symptoms on google , but it’s like I almost can’t stop. I have made my stomach problems much worse because of my anxiety so that doesn’t help much at all. I have tried depression medicine , and it made me feel way worse. So of course now I’m scared to try any other meds. I feel like I have no one that can help. Sorry your having to go through this , I know exactly what it feels like & it sucks so bad. I also have 2 kids of my own & my daughter is the same way, she worries so much about me. It’s a horrible feeling. Just wish there was a cure!

[here2helpyou]

Hey Friend! Anyone who struggles with anxiety can share your concerns and probably experiences. You aren't alone. But with that said, you have anxious thoughts! Nothing more! So it is important to learn to manage your thoughts. There are a number of ways you can do that: meds, counseling, retreats, self education, etc. I've found speaking with a cognitive behavioral therapist to very helpful in understanding how to manage thoughts. I found a great counselor online. She happened to be a Christian as well which helped with any spiritual issues. I found her to be a great blessing. Let me know if you'd like help getting in touch with someone who can help! Prayers