Grandma " it's your dad's fault, your mom turned to beer", "your uncle turned to hunting and ur mom turned to beer", "it's all ur dad's fault...her drinking, your mental health", "ur sister doesn't let anyone say something bad about him".
I'm only getting worse. I knew his baby would mess mom and me. And messed mom messed me. And she was so patient with my panic attack today and caring for sis.
It's so unfair. I can't even socialise normally. I can't work. All i do is suffer and be a burden. Wish i could die because there's no future for me, even if i win a Nobel prize, it would be worthless compared to living in this pain. I want to die. I want to die! But i don't have the guts to do it. Dad owes to pay me living my whole damn life. He made me disabled.
What if it's not his fault but mine? My freudian therapist said dads try to escape home when daughters are growing up. He left when i was 17. What if he just felt weird towards me? Why can't he just return?
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I am so sorry for what you are going through and what you have been through Against. I know that for me sometimes too, death has seemed like the best option.
I know that it is not though. I am glad that you have your instincts to keep you here and alive. I know that you feel you are not getting good care or support in your country. Are there international resources you could turn to? I am assuming you have a suicide hotline there that you have tried?
I know a new user on this site has just started posting about a site an internationalrecovery.org site, maybe that is worth a try? Do you go to any support group meetings or anything? I know there is something out there that will help you feel relief. Again I am sorry and I know that sometimes it feels hopeless, but there is hope out there.
Thank you. I feel so bad there's no support in my country and international support is expensive. I really need it though. I tried the suicide hotline but it's not working. I really need resources
Your father’s leaving has nothing to do with you. It was his choice and responsibility. I don’t know what went on between your parents, but people often grow apart and need to move on. Have you asked him to talk about his side and been willing to try to see things from his perspective? That doesn’t mean you have to change your mind, but it t help you to understand his motivations.
I don’t know about fault, but it is on you to find a way to make your path through life now. It’s not fair, I know. It won’t be easy. But you can do it. I suspect you’ll have to face down some hard and scary truths (for example, you ask if it’s your fault your dad left. No, but maybe you need to look at the choices you’ve made since then. You to need to re-evaluate how you see your family in order to move on). See what help you can get from the sanatorium.
I can tell from the clarity of your writing that your mind has cleared some since passing your exam. Achieving such clarity may not make anything easier, but it tells me you are making progress. Change will take time;, there will be no quick fix. But you can find your way.
I couldn't agree more. My parents ignore me and I have three little grand babies. My sisters are scattered at best. However, if we only ruminate on all things negative, we cannot achieve healing. It is why we all try to find at least one thing a day that's positive. Small or big. Your writing is more clear and I do think the exam was a huge stress relief......but you must continue. Dying isn't the answer. You are so young and you have no idea what could or might be. I have been suicidal in the past. Now that I am unwell and nearing my life span, all I want is more time and I am depressed and anxious 24/7 365 days a year.
Oh my goodness. Don't be afraid to age. I know so much more and wish I knew all the things I now know when I was in my 20s. Had sites like this been available for me in my 20s, I bet certain things would have been different. You are very hard on yourself with your family. NO, your Father leaving is not your fault. I however am not sure you should be taking advice from a fortune teller in anyway. I tried it once it was so far off it was insane. A group of us did this in our 20s and we had a great laugh a year later as none of what "they said" ever happened. So you are doing EMDR? Any success with it? I have had good success.
I think EMDR needs to be with a therapist you feel very comfortable with. Maybe you have that already....and the sessions just aren't working. Things will get better but you have to want them to get better. It will take some time but not an eternity. I have some serious family drama as well and I have pretty much just removed myself from it. I still call my parents, we live far apart, but we really only talk about bland irrelevant things because they have caused me a lot of pain as well. I don't talk to one sister and talk to the other. You are an educated and thoughtful young lady. I know you feel like you can't trust yourself, but it's ok not to be ok right now. This is all about taking care of your mind, body and spirit and it's hard to do unless you want to get out of the funk.
Thank you. So it's not my fault? Like my first therapist and a fortune teller said. And it's not hopeless and me ending up insane like the teller and doctor said? I feel really bad because a fortune teller grandma sent me to become of my anxiety during bullying at school and he told me i have a ghost and i changed places with dad and made him sleep in the kitchen with the rabbit i bought because of needing a chill from bullies and he left because of it. Or if it's because dads try to be away from growing up daughters according to my first therapist, not the one doing my edmr. He sorta said something about the rooms when we went to therapy. I feel guilty. I feel like my school bullies ended my family, my parents marriage and my mom's health. And drove me insane to the point im disabled and can't work. I don't want it to be like that. Hope those are intrusive thoughts and he left because it was never working and because mom had anger issues even before that. I hope he would tell me to move back instead of leaving. And ending my mental health. I haven't seen a good day since he got this new woman
”Hope those are intrusive thoughts and he left because it was never working and because mom had anger issues even before that. ”
This is a really important point. Your parents’ marriage was in trouble because of what was going on between them. I don’t know the full story, but it wasn’t your fault. If being together made either or both your parents unhappy, then separation was what they needed. Staying together would have created its own problems for you as well as for them. Children are rarely privy to all the details of their parents ‘ relationship. I’m guessing your parents were raised to be ashamed of mental health issues — theirs and anyone else’s — and, since the mental health care in your country is so inadequate, they won’t be able to get the help they need. I understand why you are right to be angry at the pain their divorce inflicted on you, but as you get older, you may find you are able to pity them, too.
I understand the impulse to figure out where the blame lies: your mom, your dad, school bullies. But now the situation is settled . Your folks are not going to get back together, they will not get therapy and change, and the school bullies are not going to apologize. But it does sound as if you’r your parents are trying to improve their relationships with you. Your mon did her (flawed) best to take care of you after your operation; your dad did the same when trying to help you find a new place; your grandmother is taking you with her to the sanatorium. None of them will ever get it just right; we’re all of us imperfect creatures and will say stupid things and lose our tempers I misunderstand each other. But some things we WILL get right and we have to build on those.
And please don’t see any other fortune tellers. Stick with doctors. And remember how very capable you really are.
It happened in 2016, grandma made me. Now i stick to professionals. It's so sad that mom and dad won't seek help and even if they did, they wouldn't feel better. If they stayed together i wouldn't struggle with taming mom and dad having another child. I highly appreciate what you said, it's just hard to swallow. I feel doomed. I will never find proper help, nor will my parents. I won't be understood. I won't be a part of society
If your parents had stayed together, they would have been even more miserable and that would have been worse for you and for them. I refuse to believe someone with your talents and intelligence is doomed. You’ll find your place. You’ll learn to take care of yourself. You’ll get a job and support yourself. You’ll figure out what you have to contribute to society and that will give you a way in. You can do all these things. I believe in you.
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Do I want to get better?
scared I won’t get better
so...I have one month to get better
I don't want to jinx it but I think I'm getting better
