Hello! First, thank you for taking your time to read this post. I'll try to keep it to concise.
I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for an unfortunately long time now, and for a significant part of that time I've been trying to figure out how to categorize thoughts along the lines of "is it so bad ... ?" -- not in the sense of "is mental health so bad", because that is inarguable, but in the sense of "why don't I just stay here?"
For example, several times I've found myself staring at my scars and wondering, "Why is cutting so bad? Why is it labelled an unhealthy coping mechanism? If it's cathartic for me, why not do it whenever I feel like it?" Similarly, I can't seem to answer questions like, "Why should I work on overcoming my anxiety around [Person A]?" or "Why shouldn't I just avoid all situations and circumstances that induce panic for me?" I've avoided treatment professedly for financial reasons (I live with a mostly open market health care system), although others assure me that it wouldn't be as costly I imagine.
Tonight I realized that perhaps these thoughts stem from an underlying -- I dunno if this is the right word -- apathy for the idea of overcoming my mental illness. I've accepted them as part of my self and life, and to fight them seems both counterproductive and counterintuitive. I'm not sure if this is simply laziness at not wanting to endure the mental and physical strain of uncomfortable but somehow ultimately beneficial choices, or just a "not really" to the question, "Do I want to get better?" I don't know if it's bad to not really want to get better, or why it might be, or if "getting better" is even possible and something I should spend my resources trying to achieve. I'm genuinely so confused.
If you have any answers to the questions here or similar experiences you'd like to relate, please comment! I'm looking for any guidance I can get my hands on. Stay strong, friend! ^^