A year of struggle and hopelessness (trigger warning)

Hello all,

I'm new and I decided to join this board because the last year of my life has been hell and I'm hoping to find some support and companionship here.

I've had depression since I was abused as a kid. In college, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder II with anxiety disorder. I went through my 20's untreated and it ended with me spending years only leaving the house to buy groceries and see my dad (I worked from home and still do).

I decided after a suicidal episode three years ago to get help. Things were ok for a couple of years. I took lexapro with xanax for breakthrough anxiety. This last year, instead of things getting better, they've progressively gotten worse.

I've been on so many medications that it's hard to count... lexapro, zoloft, cymbalta, trintellix, xanax, celexa, pristiq, lamictal, buspar, zyprexa, gabapentin, recently ativan, adding tradozone and deplin here soon... I currently take something like 14 pills a day.

I was hospitalized in May for this and that seems to have had no effect other than draining my bank account.

Yet the anxiety is building like a crescendo in my head and has triggered my depression. I'm beginning to become suicidal due to lack of hope that I'll ever not feel the crushing sensation in my chest, the constant crying, lack of concentration, panic attacks for nothing, being fearful of everything I see or do... I even started writing notes to myself about getting my living will and will ready since I'm convinced that I'll die by my own hand... not now... I don't have a plan... but eventually when I've lost all hope.

I recently went to see my psyche and had a panic attack in her office... mostly because being there felt futile. Why bother, right? Luckily my therapist was willing to come with me and that helped. They were able to talk about my stuff since I was unable to do just other than hyperventilate, sweat, shake, cry and have lumps in my throat. I was given Ativan as a rescue drug to help (and I've been taking it daily even though I know I probably shouldn't because it's the only way to avoid being in that hellish place in my head) while she got a DNA ordered for me.

The test results came back this week and she tried to go over them with me on the phone. All it did was confuse me and now I have to wait two weeks to see her. She did prescribe me delpin and trazodone to help.

Has anyone else been this far down the rabbit hole? Have you managed to crawl your way back out?

Thanks,

LK

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