help! I have no idea what to do with my suicidal pain and my meds. I cant take it anymore

[Joshgw]

I've Been on lexapro for 8weeks and still no relief. Hasn't kicked in yet. I've had Unbearable emotional pain,suicidal ideation, sobbing, feeling paralyzed/inertia. I've been taking 15mg since Friday. Talked to my doctor yesterday and asked about switching to prozac (only ssri I haven't taken). I was on lexapro for 13 years up until a year ago. I chose to go off before because I felt like I was just existing, no joy, no life, Always felt paralyzed or inertia. I was miserable. I felt there has to be something better than this. Then came the year from hell. i was hospitalized, tried at least 3 other ssri's, Mirtazipine twice), seroquel, Zyprexa, ECT, TMS and ketamine. nothing worked. The suicidal pain and sobbing was unimaginable. I've thought about suicide but I can't, I have a 12 year old son and a wife (marriage troubles aside). It would crush my kid, ruin his life

But the first time on lexapro kept me stable, no suicidal thoughts, no crying, little emotional pain. It was a trade off. But now after 8 weeks I have none of that. It hasn't kicked in yet. My suffering continues

I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Thursday. He told me to stay on 15 until then, it's only been a few days. We'd decide what to do then. I don't really want to switch and start all over. Ive already invested 8 weeks. Plus there's no guarantee prozac will work, then what? more pain and exhaustion of searching.

What do I do? Is lexapro going to come through in the end? I'm already committed here. How long do I give it? Or since it's been 2 months with no relief do I cut my losses and move on. But to where. ive already tried everything. All I know is, I'm still dying, still in hell and have no idea what to do. Honestly, I'd rather not start all over with something I have no idea will work. Lexapro did work the first time. But I can't take this anymore.Its too much i've had enough. How do you say goodbye to a 12 year old? You can't. I can't ruin his life.

Any thoughts? Thanks!

[Starrlight]

My heart 💜 feels your pain … I’ve been there and it does get better. You have so much love in you which will carry you on until something else comes on top of it to help you get through and into light you search for and it’s there I promise. After every long or short stretch of difficulty comes ease. You can do this. You are stronger than you know. Keep writing and reaching out to others.

[Joshgw in reply to Starrlight]

Thanks I'll PM you

[Starrlight]

PM me any time

[Hidden]

I just wanted to tell you I’m here for you. I feel your pain. Don’t do anything to harm yourself. Stay away from sharp knives and stuff like that. Let these feelings rise and fall and run their course. Maybe it would help to listen to some calming or positive and inspiring music. Something cheerful or something relaxing. Nothing dark and depressing.

[Joshgw in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. I'm just so sick of it

[Hidden in reply to Joshgw]

I hear you, I have bipolar disorder myself. Life can be very rough sometimes. Hold on. If you really feel like you might do something to harm yourself, go to the psychiatric ward. I know it’s hell but at least that place will keep you alive. I know in a lot of ways what you’re going through. I’ve made 2 previous suicide attempts in the past. May I recommend a book to you that has been helpful to me? Mental Health Through Will Training by Dr. Abraham Low. I don’t know if it’s on Amazon or not. It’s an old book that can be somewhat difficult to read at times, but the principles in it are very sound and wise.

[Joshgw in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your suggestions. I've already spent 49 days in a hospital. There was no therapy and they took me off all my meds. They didn’t even try to medicate me and they didn't put my meds back on when I left. I came in on a cocktail of 4 and left with 0. They wanted to do ECT and said if you don't want to you can go home. They also didnt give me a full course stopping halfway through. I saw my psychiatrist less than 5 mins a day. Nobody tried to find out why I was there in the first place. There was very little structure (2 group therapy/day) and way too much free time i spent crying my eyes out. I left worse off than I went in.

[Hidden in reply to Joshgw]

God that’s terrible. All I can say is I’m so sorry. You’ve gotten horrible so called care. Do you mind if I ask you around where do you live? Not your exact city, just your country or state?

[Joshgw in reply to Hidden]

I live in NYC, the hospital was Columbia Presbyterian in white Plains, NY which is supposed to be one of the best in the country. That's where Carrie fisher wound up when she wrote her book. I'm trying to stay our of the hospital again, bc I got a new treatment team after I got out and the hospital won't do anything for me that I'm already getting and it would be too disruptive. Plus if I didn't go to work, I'd lose my house

[Hidden in reply to Joshgw]

Man, that is so rough!!!! I’m not going to tell you what city I live in, but I live in Michigan, USA . I’ve experienced some bad care too.

[AnxiousSilver]

"I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Thursday. He told me to stay on 15 until then, it's only been a few days."

Alright, I'm really not in the best shape (physically or mentally) to answer this right now, but I try to help when I can.

.

If it was me, I would try to stay at the 15 until Thursday.

If anything improves, then you may have a different convo on Thursday.

.

Normally, I'm not a big fan of stacking meds, but you have had some sort of success with Lex in the past. Maybe you can talk to your doc if there is anything that you can take with it in the mean time instead of starting on a new med.

I wish I could do more, but I too am kinda hurting ATM, but I hope that things work out for you.

[Joshgw in reply to AnxiousSilver]

Thanks for the note, hope you feel better. I'm prepared to take the 15mg until Thursday. The question is do we stick with it or not. I've tried so many meds I really don't want to do that again

[b1b1b1]

You might also ask him about low dose anti psychotics. Many of these, at a low dose, also work for depression.

[Joshgw in reply to b1b1b1]

Yeah, I've been on seroquel and Zyprexa. My current psychiatrist is not a big fan of anti psychotics.

[101315]

I am thinking about you Josh. I had some time this week where I was ready to embrace some dark thoughts too. The only time you lose the fight is when you give up fighting. I am rooting for you

[Joshgw in reply to 101315]

Thank you. I'm here for you too. It's this damn Paralysis, it's just so hard and I'm exhausted.

[101315 in reply to Joshgw]

Does your boy have any hobbies you could get involved with ? Or perhaps can you both start something fresh and new ? RC car racing is cool if you are mechanically inclined. Depending on your town or city you may be able to locate a club or group. The more you strive to do the little things with your son, the more you will remember how important it is to survive. Never give up.

[Joshgw in reply to 101315]

He's a big gamer and loves to talk sports. But what really helps is on the weekends, I take him to a coffee shop a lot for coco and we just hang out. That's only an hour or two. Unfortunately, there's the rest of the time that I'm awake.

[101315 in reply to Joshgw]

How practical would it be to make arrangements to watch live sporting events in your town ? Do you have local amateur teams that he roots for. Can you get more involved with his favourite sports ?

[Joshgw in reply to 101315]

There's plenty of sports here, I'm in NYC so it's very expensive. But with my paralysis right now and the emotional pain I have, I'm not sure I could handle it. I'm supposed to take him to his first concert in September and I'm already worried how I'm going to do that. My wife is visiting one of her sisters next week and Taking my son. I'm going to be alone in the house by myself for a week and I'm freaking out.

[Balloffur2468]

you may need to increase the medication to 20 mg.

[Joshgw in reply to Balloffur2468]

Thanks. I plan on it. I was on 20 when I was on lexapro the first time. I just can't get rid of this painful Paralysis and inertia

[Agora1]

Hi Joshgw...don't give up quite yet. See what your doctor suggests on Thursday.You might not have reached the peak of efficacy yet. Every time the dose is increased

it takes a few more days to kick in.

Hold tight, stay safe and please let us know what your doctor says. My best to you xx

[Joshgw in reply to Agora1]

Thanks for the support Agora, I'm on 15mg, but only for a week. I figure I can at least wait until I hit 20. I was on 20 the first time I was on lexapro. It's just that the higher the dose the worse the paralysis side effect gets. It's so agonizing I just can't function. But I was on it for at least 13 years the first time so I must of beaten it somehow to make it tolerable

[Hidden]

Hello again. I’ve always wanted to visit NYC. I do live in Michigan and I’m a big Madonna fan, even though I know she pushes the envelope a little too far sometimes. So I am dedicating this song to you, and no, this is NOT a Madonna song. PLEASE STAND BY………

[Joshgw in reply to Hidden]

Thanks, I appreciate the thought

[Hidden in reply to Joshgw]

We’re you able to get the song or was it blocked?

[Joshgw in reply to Hidden]

It was blocked, but that's OK. I know the song

[Hidden in reply to Joshgw]

It’s a sad day when a Billy Joel song is blocked.😞

[Hidden]

Here’s Your Only Human by Billy Joel.youtu.be/YhxjNYvJbgM(Not working as expected?)

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Tap watch on YouTube on your smartphone.

[Madlexy]

Hi Josh! Any updates on how you are doing? I may have a few suggestions.