Hi! I’m coming out of a long term relationship (12years). My breakup came out of nowhere there was no warning signs or fighting. He left me for a younger woman. (He’s 40 she’s 27) he’s barely involved in our son’s life-only sees him once a week and he often just watches a movie and falls asleep on him. He calls him on average twice a week and they are short under 3 mins unengaging phone calls. I’m trying to power thru but depression and anxiety is hitting me hard-why wasn’t I good enough what does she have that I don’t? Along with trying and hoping I’m doing right by my son.
long term breakup : Hi! I’m coming out... - Anxiety and Depre...
long term breakup
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Penguinlover09
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I'm sorry this happened to your family. As a daughter whose father had multiple affairs, I have witnessed what happened to my mom.
The calls and visits are short because he knows it's awkward. Pretty sure he knows his son knows. They don't know how to talk about it. I don't think he really wants to tell his son the real answer. So if he keeps visits and phone calls short, he never has to have that talk.
Also, the fact that this is a new relationship with this woman, he is in the honeymoon stage, so he's going to devote more time to her than his son.
Unfortunately, you may have to accept that you won't get any closure. I suggest therapy for this because it's going to be a hard thing to accept. But trust me when I say you are more than enough. Don't focus on what she has that you don't have. It's only going to send you down a rabbit hole of despair.
Sending love and hugs to you during this difficult time in your family.
Thank you for the reply! Our son does know! He asked his dad and he told him why he left and answered any questions he had about his new girlfriend. And yes I know he is already prioritizing her. He had his mom watch our son (hes 10) the one night he had him to go on a date with her. He said he couldnt cancel because he spent money on it...he also said he would leave around the time our son went to bed but that was about 2 hours early...And when he came home he was texting her already. My son came home crying that night saying all he wanted to do was build a snowman but dad was on his phone.
As for me. I am finally in therapy. This happened 3 months ago and I struggled to find a therapist willing to work with me everyone said I was too depressed. She is actually the one who suggested this group to try to get more support as I only see her once a week and my depression just isnt getting better. I know I shouldnt compare but it is extremely hard because he is doing things for her that I literally begged him to do for me. Its just not fair. I devoted everything to that relationship, I stayed thru everything with him but he couldnt even have a conversation with me letting me know that he was no longer happy instead he started texting, flirting and giving rides home to this girl. Then when I found out about it I was willing to work on things with him and he gave me false home and kept me dangled. He said he knows he being dumb and he thinks hes making a big mistake but says he just no longer loves me.
I understand. I'm sorry about that. I can explain most of it because I seen it on both sides. My father cheated, the toll it took on my mom and even my sister JG cheated on her man of 30yrs and the toll it took on him.
My brother in law said the same thing that it came out of nowhere. But truth is it doesn't come out of nowhere. There was always "red flags" before an affair even starts. It's just it goes overlook as that's just them being themselves. Through reflection you'll start to think back to some of those moments like my brother in law did and realize there were little signs. My sister JG was always using people to suffer from talking to his family or even our mom. Passive aggressive. Never really wanted to do anything fun at least with him so he just followed her lead thinking it was just her anxiety. Lying about dumb stuff where there was really no need to lie. That was all before the affair. The lead up to the affair she became more secretive. Even though they had a heart to heart talk where she mentioned things needed to change. Giving him the false hope. In truth she had already made up her mind to leave. In fact she was already gone. Kind of like your husband. He was already gone when you talked to him about it. He was already gone emotionally. Just like my sister. It sucks because you do feel like you were sold a bill of false goods. And I believe they did that so they can say to themselves that they did "try". But in reality they left already they just didn't pack their bags yet.
I know how hard it is searching for a therapist. I went through so many hours online, emails and talks feeling very discouraged cause it seemed nobody took my insurance. But I finally found someone who I like and works with my schedule.
Btw that stuff he said is just gaslighting 101 "he thinks he's dumb and knows it's probably a mistake" That is him setting up a just in case plan. If it don't work out with new Honey. Then he can come back home with the "Ooh baby give me 1 more chance."
Truth is you are in a grieving state. Grieving the lost of this relationship. And it's going to hurt. Because not only the relationship but it's also the lost of the idea you thought you knew of him. So you are grieving on all fronts. It's going to take time. Plus it's hard because you have a son. I'm pretty sure he's feeling it too. His home life got disrupted by his father.
I get it, you probably don't want to be alone. However I believe this is an opportunity for you to figure yourself out. Who are you? The person, woman etc Who are you? So much of your identity was tied to him. You need to figure out who you are without him. I think you'll find you are a lot stronger than you think you are. Even though you deeply loved him. You can look in the mirror at the end of the day with no problems. Your conscience is clear. You are more than resilient. You deserve better than this guy.
Sending love and hugs to you and your boy. 🫂❤️
YES! lol when I asked for him to come back because he didnt try-he was unwilling to stop texting the new woman while I fought for us. He was unwilling to even go on a walk with me. He told me that he did try, but how can you say you tried when you would go into another room and text and flirt with someone else. That is not trying.
And yes I dont know who I am anymore. I poured myself into him that I lost myself. I put his needs and wants before mine. I generally do not know who I am without him. I feel lost and I feel like I dont belong anywhere anymore. I feel alone...I dropped my friends and family for him because my family made him uncomfortable and my i dropped my friends because I just wanted to spend time with him. He was a major homebody and didnt want to do anything but play video games. I am in the middle I like staying home but I also like going out and now I try to go out and live a life and I come home crying because it just doesnt feel like me anymore.
And yea I feel like I dont know him anymore. The person I knew would have never done this to me. We actually promised each other that we would always call it quits before cheating. But he doesnt consider this cheating, He says he was just talking to someone he should of...but its cheating he knew he crossed a line that is why he kept it a secret. He had intentions, and made himself available to someone else.
I understand this very well. My sister JG is a lot like your husband. To her it wasn't cheating however they were making moves to cheat. Being secretive. Not telling the full truths about their intentions. But refuse to take accountability.My sister settled for her husband. Which is unfortunate for him. Just like you. He stayed at home because he assumed that's what she wanted. Like your husband a homebody. Turns out not really. It was a case of settling. She got with him because this is the best I can do. Didn't want to put any effort in date nights etc. It wasn't until after the affair. Same with your guy. He didn't want to do things with you. New girl is different. He can show off his adventurous side if he indeed has one. Which hurts you again because there was nothing wrong g with you. It was just that he didn't want to put in the same effort.
Now will it last with new girl probably not. Like I said he knows its the honeymoon stage right now. She new and exciting. But after a month she'll become a "nag" to him. And he'll go back to what he knows, which is you.
Really that just shows you the lack of respect he has for you. He doesn't think about how badly this hurts you. Damage your trust, friendship, love and self esteem.
Same for my sister JG. She FAFO then tried to crawl back to her estranged husband but it was too late. He don't love her the way he once did. So she went back to the guy she cheated on him with because she don't want to be alone. Mind yoh this guy threw her out and helped make her homeless. After running off with him to be with him. He dropped her like a bad habit.
You need to grieve this lost. Its going to take time. It sucks to hear that. I wish there was a fast forward button so you could get through this quickly.
Sending love and hugs
Honestly I think hes taking her out because of two reasons...He asked to hang out at her house and she said no because family didnt know him, and I think he was scared to ask again. and two hes now on drugs and drinking a lot. Which he recently said he used to do fun things like concerts when he was on drugs and drinking so apparently for him to have fun and do things he needs to be substances. Last time I talked to him about his use he told me that he was doing "lots of drugs and drinking"
I dont think hell come crawling back because he knows how hurt I am. I dont really want him back but it would be nice if he tried to come back that way I at least got an apology for all that hes done.
Yeah my sister did nose candy to function and think about her problems.
He needs them to be outgoing and be fun. Honestly he definitely needs to figure himself out too. Who is he and what does he want in life?
Really did you dirty. He could have sat you down for a difficult talk but hey at least you would get some closure out of it. If he just would have said "I wanna divorce. I made a mistake. I thought I wanted the married life but I don't and I'm sorry I should have been honest a long time ago instead of wasting time for both of us. But I didn't know what I really wanted. I'm sorry I dragged you and our son through things. Etc" he didn't have to cheat. Just could have told you. Maybe both of you could have gone to counseling to help end things amicably. But nope like my sister went ahead with doing this and now has wrecked a relationship not only with you but also your son. He is going to have to rebuild that and take accountability.
yea but he wont. He tends to put blame on everyone else. Like I know he said he is the one who screwed this up but I dont think it hit him yet how much he really screwed up. Our son is already pulling away not really wanting to go over much and when he does is requesting to go over later and later. I mean maybe it worked out better this way, I certainly dont want him in my house with my son if hes on drugs and drinking.
I agree with you on that. Because if he gets busted for doing drugs at his place with your son there, that's another hell for you and your son to go through. Having to fight the court to grant you custody for your own kid because his dad was an idiot. Its just better for you and your son to just keep it to maybe phone calls and like a public place like a park or something.
Yeah sounds exactly like my sister JG. Can't take any accountability, its always someone else.
he goes over where he is living now but he lives with his mom so I know our son is okay and she is keeping an eye on him. He tells me he spends most of the time hes there with his grandmom and not his dad. Then he comes homes miserable because the poor kid thinks his dad doesnt love him because hes not spending time with him.
That's a classic mistake that women (I say women because it usually is) make when they become hitched and start a family.
Suddenly they turn themselves into just a wife and mother and ignore their own needs. But is is a mistake you won't make twice trust me!
Meanwhile listen to this and sing along.
youtube.com/watch?v=6dYWe1c...
Love the inspiration. You're so right. I'm singing now. Loud and off key, I don't care, it's my song.
I voiced my needs and he didnt care...but yea I have no idea who I am not sure if I ever did to be honest.
If he cheated on you, chances are , he'll cheat on her or vice versa. Don't be depressed, just sit back and watch what happens
But will he? He lasted 12 years with me before cheating so it’s not like a trait for him
Im going thru a 12 year divorce, the first 3 months I was isolated in my dark room for the whole duration. I have bad abandonment anxiety and being alone was the toughest experience of my life, due to my old habits I could hide behind but now I have to face myself n my own insecurities to overcome the loneliness. Even though I still have waves of power fears, longing, and sadness, I try to make 5 to 20 min to sit with the emotion n not hide. This way I can learn to accept my emotion and accept the fact the relationship was not suppose to happen. This is only making room for big and better things to come into our lives. I hope this helped.
thanks for the reply! Yes I’m about 3.5 months in and I’m still laying in bed a lot. Forcing myself to do anything else is a task! I was put on meds and I’m in therapy but it just doesn’t seem to be helping. I have abandonment issues because my dad left me when I was 14 so this breakup is bringing up a lot of old things for me. I keep getting told I’ll be better off and something better will come along but what if it doesn’t? I really loved that man. Even tho I now see a lot of flaws and how my needs were consistently not being met. Maybe I am just scared of being alone the rest of my life and that’s why I’m clinging on hoping he comes back even tho he deeply hurt me
If anyone can understand you on that it's me. Even after a year was tough but how to help make it faster for you would be to dive deep. Each trigger is a sign of what needs to be addressed. I have high intense emotions due to my past, I have CPTSD and abandonment anxiety, so trying to catch my emotions before they arise is very difficult but with practice practice practice it's been getting easier. Im not going to lie to you but u will feel this for a long time, and it wont stop unless you think of it this way. You are giving someone your power. You can't give your power away anymore. Let the emotions come and when they do embrace them, cuz once you invite the tough emotions in you will eventually think of the positives. Diving into the emotions help u understand them BUT don't think about details only the outline. When you think in details you end up strengthening the abandonment. I did some inner child work and meditation. This will help have more control over ur day to day thoughts. That's why I like to call it walking thru fire to heal. You have to relive areas that have not been healed yet. Controlling the thoughts, we are not our thoughts, we choose what has power in our mind. I believe in you, I have been thru this same thing, and im still working thru it after a year. We got this, force yourself to live, love and laugh. Baby steps
I’m trying!!! I just feel like I’m not doing it fast enough. Like my therapist at first was like oh honey it’s been only 3 months but even now she’s like “I think your not getting better because your internalizing it” but she just doesn’t understand how deeply I loved him and everything I scarficed for him. Friends and family and everything I wanted in a relationship /life like marriage. We promised each other we would always call it quits before cheating and then he cheats and he kept me dangling and watched me crumbled. I just don’t understand how u can do that to a person. I just wish I could stop thinking about him. I’m so fixated on his new relationship and hoping that it blows up in his face because I keep telling myself if it does that my pain wasn’t for nothing. Cuz this hurts so bad I don’t know how to overcome it how to stop loving someone. How will I be able to trust and give my heart out ever again. We built a life together and he just walked away without even a word. Do I not even deserve the respect to have a conversation about it, why wasn’t I enough? Why wasn’t I worth fighting for? I literally stayed with him thru no job and drugs and was willing to stay and try to fix things despite another woman and him starting drugs again. I just feel like I was thrown out and he just wiped his hands clean. Literally a less than a week of breaking my heart he was already dating her. How is able to kiss another girl so soon when 3.5 months in and I still can’t even picture myself entertaining someone else
Ugh what a d!@k im so sorry u had to go thru this. Ugh, that guy makes all of us good men look bad. It sounds like he is so heartless. It sounds like he has been thru a lot in his past. Womanizing was something I did 15 years ago, and I did it the satisfy the insecurities. Anytime there was fear of breakups I would run to the next. It wasn't until a longing for a normal life that I started to change. But the reason im telling u is for some closure. Don't look for closure from him, u wont get it. It's best to do this on ur own. What he did or what is happening is his own bs not yours. It's not your fault that his insecurities left. He is hurting but not in a way of caring about you. He is only worried about himself and what he can benefit oit of any situation. Men of that caliber needs help in a mental health care. What needs to happen now is all about you. Think 🤔 everytime the emotion rises, where do you feel it??? (Cheat, stomach?) Then name the emotions, sad, mad etc. Then hold that feeling and try and remember when was the first time you felt that emotion in ur life time? Find those timeliness and comfort that child or teen or young adult and tell that person or child that ur safe now, because ur body when it hit high intense emotions turns into survival mode and these emotions and body systems are just there to keep u safe. So even if it sux, it's ur body and mind just trying to protect you.
But I think he was a good guy. Maybe I just equate not arguing with as good, because my dad was abusive. This guy and I hardly ever fought, and when we did it was something that I had started. I just thought we clicked. we didnt fight, we were still intimate there was literally no warning signs of him being unhappy. I just am having a really hard time believing that he truly stopped loving me but that maybe it was just over shadowed by the thrill of something new. I know I need to stop thinking about it I just think if I understand the why that I can move on. We share a kid together too and its hard, I always have to have him in my life now. But even that is hard, he only sees our son once a week (friday from 5pm to Saturday 11am) and all they ever do is sit and watch movies and my son will facetime me because his dad is sleeping on the chair and hes bored. Even phone calls. He always "oversleeps" and doesnt call at bedtime and its apparently our 10 years job to call him in the morning. The convos are also always short and he doesnt engage with him. Say its 2 mins phone call at least one min will be silence. and when our child doesnt his dad points it out to him and makes him feel bad but completely ignores the fact that he also didnt call. My kid is constantly making comments about how his dad doesnt love him and how am I suppose to convince him otherwise when his dads actions are what they are. I dont want to bash him but I also dont want to invalidate my sons feelings.
This might not what you want to hear, but ill be open and honest with you. It's great you have good memories of him and that says something when ur with him for 12 years. Try to remove excuses into ur vocabulary, for him or yourself. I see most of the comments are all about him, and what he did wrong or right. He has left you in one of the worst ways a man can to a woman. Since the beginning of time woman have and will always be the stronger sex. Even after a year not a day goes by where I dont think about my ex wife but what I know now is that since I have been focusing on me. I have improved my life and ppl have been asking me how u do it lol and I think do what im still hurting but I didnt notice how much my life has improved by self work. It starts by you loving yourself, self discovery, self trust, self care. Today if u can't get out of bed try 5 min meditation, write in a journal, express ur feelings. Do not hold on to them. I know this other lady in my support group that had a marriage end due to a man leaving for a younger woman, and she held on to that for 40 years, and now that she started meditation work she was able to say "i didnt think about him for one whole day because of meditation". It's letting go that's the key here. For you it's on ur mind 23 hours a day but in 6 months itll be 15 hours a day after a year 5 hours lol these are all guesses lol but my point is YOU have to fight thru reach day and each emotion day by day, emotion by emotion. It's time to try and focus on not thinking about his thoughts, or what he's doing, or what he did or why he did it but why do you feel like this, why em I triggered on each situation. The other key is all your triggers. Short story: Grandkid asked his grandpa "why can't i stop thinking in ways that puts me in distress?" Grandpa said "we have two bears in your mind. 1 bear is the light (positivity, goodness) and the other is darkness (negativity, evil), and they are in battle over your mind, body and soul". Grandkid asked "which one wins grandpa!?". Grandpa said "the one you feed".
I am totally hyperfocused on him, I wish I could turn my head off. But I love the bear saying because I am totally feedining into it. I just i feel stuck I dont know how to get past the hurt
Time, practice, practice, practice, forgiveness, and then acceptance. But it will be like this for a few more months. It can be years and years but u must fight, u must be determined, u must pit in the work. Go for a walk in nature, go out, have fun, even if u have to pretend, n know that sounds bad but if u force it, I promise u will find a reason to have fun, a reason to live, a reason to smile again.
I am doing that already. I started going out with friends every week for the past month now. I am bonding with my son more now. And in the moment I am ok, my head wonders still but its the moments where nothing is distracting me that the deep thoughts come back and I cant sleep so I stay up all night googling everything.
I wish you strength and to be surrounded by the sound of the positive affirmation that you understood the relationship should foster. allow yourself a period to grieve but be aware and somehow you have to put the brakes on these feelings - and i hate to say it because it sounds unfair to you - but you have a child that will want to hear the same sound of positive affirmation from you. And you have a society that will not provide you (a single mother) the compassion you deserve - as it waits to see you lose more and then begins to voice you should lose it all. Dont wait to hear his voice and then realize it is the voice of society calling you unfit. you deserve to have your voice heard so control the narrative .
I 5doubled down on inconsolable after a similar experience - albeight in a 15 year gay relationship that i thought was an enduring love but must have been clouded by the gas fumes coming my way. tonight i was crying in a mcdonalds as i sent him a happy birthday wish and read his thanks that also referred to the pomeranian he was cuddling who i brough home at 2 months and may have raised for 11 years but undeserving currently to receive a picture in a forgotten request he receives each week. but inconsolable took that loss and i found my free will threatened and then gone. All from a relationship ending in my embarrassment and rejection. i know it sounds absurd to not spiral in the feeling you have and i bet he was the only and greatest man on earth - but a warning came that i was going to lose it all and i didnt pay attention - then a stronger one - and by that time i needed to fight back i didnt have the strength. I couldnt explain it but i could barely lift my arm. i am thankfully in a better place now - because the 2 year battle fighting for my independence and free will is subsiding. i am so sorry that you have to experience this grief and i dont envy you - but i do envy that moment in the future and you will have a beautiful child looking up to you in wonder and waiting to hear you call him beautiful. bless you and may god give you all the strength you need. dont forget to keep the little joys going keep that joy meter relatively at least at fair dont be afraid of good (i got it by purchasing every type of body wash available and making the shower time my one zen time). glory be to god.
Thank you I am trying, everything I am doing trying to get over this if for him. But I worry if I am doing the right thing or not. Is it okay to cry in front of him. I mean I know its normal but I feel like I have to be stronger. I am trying to take him out and do things and do things at home with him, but I know he is struggling too. His grades are slipping. But I also know he told my sister that he feels like we are getting closer. I just wish I could take the world off his shoulders and make his pain go away.
I think it is understandable that this is an upsetting situation. I dont think it is practical to get over it with immediacy - but at least to appear that directionally you are choosing that over a further decline. I think you should want that and it will make your days better. But i didnt choose that and I ended up in a situation that I would now provide a warning about. I personally am living in a moment where I changed my perspective that transparency to others, or to a circle of trust, is something that is beneficial to me. You have to balance it with some attention to who you emote to. This is about the fact I thought since I was done so wrong there would be understanding given to my sinking feelings. It did not play out that way. And I would be careful who you seek consolation from and especially if introduced to the child. The worst decision of my life was befriending in this time a person who said "it looks like you need a friend." I met the devil that day.
Im not befriending anyone. I am only talking to people from my past. The only new people is my therapist and this group!
Hi, everyone has a reason for being here...we are here because we are trying to be better.The first and most difficult thing to do when you're depressed is forgive yourself for whatever thing you think you've done, nobody else can do this for you,if you don't stop asking what if's questions there nothing someone else can do for you. It's a very very difficult thing to do,trust me I know .Your priority is your son, children absorb a lot from their parents,so try the compartmentalization... Make sure your son isn't feeling the depth of loss that you are feeling.It's going to be difficult but find a gym where you can hit the heck atta anything to at least reduce the burden...see where you can go from there
I am trying. I have talked to him I have distracted him. I am doing everything I can think of. He seems for the most part okay but I know hes struggling. He comes home from his dads upset every weekend. I just feel like I am failing him as a mother right now because of my depression I feel like I am not a mother at all at the moment.
Hi again Penguinlover09, sorry to intrude on someone else's reply to your post but I just wanted to say something after reading your reply
because the depth of the impact of what happened is clearly putting a lot of pressure on you and no doubt leading to you feeling that you're not meeting the needs of your son.
What I would suggest is that because of the betrayal you were subjected to, that has left a gap that should be shared by the father of your son.
Further to that, the fact that your son comes back to you each weekend upset, is an indication of the impact it is having on him and it's completely natural for you to notice that, feel concerned and try to alleviate it and lift his mood.
However, that's difficult to do when the depression he feels is borne from what his dad did to you
so please try to be patient as you face each day and do what is humanly possible for your dear son.
I hope that will provide some empowerment and encouragement for you both.
Very best wishes to you,
from Trevor.
It doesnt help that our son is trying to get his attention from his dad and all they do toegther is watch movies that his dad tends to fall asleep to. He spends most of the time there with his grandmom and not his dad. He tries calling him and hes not really interested in having a converstation with our son. He even told me its pointless to tell dad how he feels because he did and his dad brush him off. All he is worried about right now is his new girlfriend it seems. My sons grades are sleeping and teachers noticed he is having trouble stayed focused. The school therapist talked to him and called me. He is so terrifed that he isnt going to have a relationship at all if he doesnt call him and thats a lot to deal with at 10 years old. He has made comments that he feels like his dad doesnt love him and how he isnt a good dad and I dont know how to respond. I dont want to bash his dad but I also dont want to invalidate my sons feelings. How am I suppose to tell him no your dad loves you when his actions are saying otherwise.
Dear Penguinlover09,
I appreciate you for sharing the extent that this whole thing is having on your son, who's only 10 years old and the effect it has on you as you see and hear about the effect it's having on him even during school time.
It's heartbreaking to know that your ex has treated you and your son like people to be taken for granted rather than valued and treated in the ways you deserve and more than worthy of.
It also seems like his conscience is switched off hence why he has treated you so unfairly and without love.
Please be assured that despite the way you've been treated, you are still precious and more than worthy of the love and security you deserve and was so cruelly deprived of by the father of your son.
Also, good on you for not letting your heart become bitter and filled with hatred and bad feelings for your ex.
To continue loving the person that stopped loving you is a strength, and I hope that will reassure you that you're a lovely person and I'm sure that you do all you can to help and support your dear son and he can be proud of you for that and more.
Best wishes,
Trevor
is it strength or weakness though?
I think it is strength Penguinlover09.
The weakness in my opinion was shown by your ex when he abandoned you and your son.
You are showing strength as you continue facing the challenges each day in spite of the depression and hurt you feel.
Further to that, not letting hatred build up in your heart takes much effort and I think you are showing that, and you can feel proud.
Also, please be assured that there'll always be people that will stop, listen, and try to assist you as you face each day and patiently wait for rays of sunshine to flow down and provide you with all the warmth and blessings you are worthy of.
Take care.
He even told me that he wished I could hate him, but I just dont. I feel stupid for still wanting him, maybe im just attached because of my daddy issues. I actually told him that I hope he finds happiness again and I am sorry that its not with me. (though I also really hope its not with her)
What you described so beautifully is the power of love in terms of refusing to do bad in return to the person that did it to you.
I can almost visualize what your heart has been feeling since this whole thing started.
Kindness is a quality of love, and you have shown it despite what you have been put through by the man that could and should have loved you faithfully till the natural end.
I think you ex was foolish to break up the relationship you had, and no doubt enjoyed during the 12 yrs of building it up together.
It's natural to feel insecure and hurt by the knowledge that your ex now gives his time and love to another woman despite knowing that you loved and appreciated the time he gave for the 12 yrs before changing and leaving you alone and hurt.
I believe that a woman is the greatest blessing a man can have during his life.
There's nothing on earth or in the sea that can be found and be compared to all the unique and wonderful qualities that comes with being female.
I believe that things may change for the better even if it takes more time.
In the meantime, I want to assure you again that you are precious, with great qualities and potential and I say that even though I don't know you personally, but I pick up on the positive qualities you have shown as you share some of the things you were subjected to.
You are very worthy of the love and loyalty that was taken and given way to another woman.
Best wishes to you and your dear son.
Dear Penguinlover09,
if I go offline soon, please be assured that I'll reply again as soon as possible.
In the meantime, thank you for sharing some of your time and replying despite dealing with so much pain in your precious heart and that of your son.
I hope you'll both have a lovely day.
Best wishes,
Trevor.
Thank you so much for all of your time and the replies. That’s what everyone keeps telling me that better things are coming but I’m terrified that they won’t. I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life but I’m scared this traumatized me so much that I’ll never be the same partner that this is going to change me as a person
Morning, Penguinlover09,
Thanks for your reply and I'm sorry for the delay since you sent it.
How are you feeling today?
I think can understand why trying to be optimistic about your future is currently difficult.
It's not easy to adapt to change when you face each day (at the present time) without the love and support of the father of your dear son.
How is he feeling today?
I hope he might feel a bit better today.
I feel a bit fatigued at the moment and my left arm has felt weak for the past 4 hours but that might be due to the way I slept last night.
You mentioned that you don't want to be alone for the rest of your life, and that the ending of your 12-yr relationship may damage you in a certain way.
It's understandable that you feel like things won't improve with time, and that maybe cause you're going through a process that comes from what happened to you.
I suggest that you try to take each day as they come, when you feel able, consider trying to do small things that may help you to feel less stressed.
I think it can be helpful to remember that somethings in life happen without warning and when they do it can be devastating, and we can't do anything to prevent it.
In terms of a lasting and secure relationship, it is possible to make it happen, and I still believe that you have some precious qualities that are conducive to that.
Even if in the meantime you don't have a partner, please be assured that they'll always be people you can turn to as you have on this website.
I know that can't be an indefinite thing and rightly so cause I'm sure that you have things that require your time and attention offline as well as raising your dear son.
Am I correct to assume that things like being with your partner at the end of the day
perhaps arm in arm on the sofa is one of the things that you are missing?
If so, again that's understandable.
I live alone and I can't tell you how often I find myself wising that I had someone with me and do the little but comforting and assuring things like holding hands, hugging, chatting and even a little kiss and how those things can make a person feel like the luckiest people in the world, even if you lack a few material things.
I'm going to be hopeful that one day, you'll be able to look back to now and find that even when things weren't too good, things can change, and I want to be optimistic for you and your son.
Please feel to keep in touch, because I'm interested in how are getting on.
Best wishes to you and your son.
Yes I just feel like this is going to change me as a person and as partner. I feel so alone. Espcially the nights that my son is with his dad. It all just sucks, none of this is my choice. I know deep down its better for me. My needs werent being met while I was with him and I told him that several times but i still loved him. I am truly scared of not finding someone else. I am 35 with a kid who doesnt drive and works from home...my odds of finding someone are not in my favor. I always dreamed of growing old with somone and I thought I had that and we were looking into buying a house together than all of a sudden this happens I just feel like everything I wanted in life that I was so close to getting was just pulled right out from under my feet...
My son is okay-his dad again didnt call him last night to say goodnight. its now the 13th and so far he has only called him to say goodnight 3 times. The only time they talk is pretty much when my son calls him on the walks to school but those are only like 2-3 mins long and he still runs out of things to say to him. Then he comes home miserable each time he goes over, I am trying to convince him to stay home once in a while but Im not sure how to go about it so it doesnt turn around on me saying I am keeping him from his dad which isnt the case but my son clearly isnt having a good time if he comes home so sad each time and feels that he "has" to go to his dad but I keep telling him he doesnt have to if he doesnt want to.
Penguinlover09,
I appreciate your frank honesty, and it enables me to see when I'm able to share similar feelings and personal experiences.
If you don't mind, I'll share an experience I had over 16 yrs ago.
Basically, I met a woman on a dating site who I grew to trust and love until I found out that she was seeing another man and even told me she was pregnant with a child until I found out that she was lying.
She never told me about the reasons for her unfaithfulness and lie about the pregnancy, and when I reminded her that she used to assure me of her love for me, she replied that she could never love me and that left me feeling even lower than I was feeling before.
Prior to the change, I was convinced that I had found my dream partner.
She was pretty, dependable in terms of regularly travelling down to spend a whole week with me each month.
When she told me that she was expecting our child, I was at first shocked and worried whether I was fit to meet my responsibility of being a father, given my severe nervous disorder and unemployment status.
Nevertheless, she convinced that wouldn't spoil or change our relationship and I trusted her until she began to give me reason to lose faith.
In short, after the relationship ended, I spent a long time feeling so unhappy and had to get used to being alone again.
Further to that, I felt so stupid because I fell for her lies because I trusted her and didn't think for a moment that she would betray me, but she did.
I'm currently trying to form a new relationship and this time I hope it will work.
Yes exactly, I never ever expected him to betray me this way. My coworkers used to ask when we were having money problems if he was cheating and I said no that is the ONE thing I dont have to worry about with him. We PROMISED each other that we would always call it quits before doing that because you just cant come back from that. I am so disappointed in him and I feel so stupid for trusting him whole heartedly now looking back and I see the signs and all the lies and questioned some but when he answered them I just assumed he was telling me the truth but I trusted fully so I let it go. Im not sure ill ever be able to trust like that again. 12 years is a long fricken time. I just wish I could understand the whys...why did he do it, why didnt he talk to me, why her, why now?
Penguinlover09,
I'll get back to you tomorrow because I've been online since this morning, and I need to go to cook my dinner.
Thanks again for writing,
Take care and bye for now.
Good morning, Penguinlover09,
how are you feeling today?
I assume that you were asleep while I'm writing to you, what with time difference in the UK and USA.
I'm not feeling too bad so far.
The sky is bright, but the temperature's is a bit cold in my part of London.
I've been out today and took a train journey up to Central London and caught a bus back to where I live.
I did some shopping, got a few things and came back home and prepared some lovely Basmati rice to go with the rest of my dinner later.
Have you ever tried that rice before?
I would recommend it because it's lovely and fluffy when it's cooked and goes well with chicken, fish, veg, etc.
How's your son feeling today?
I hope that his mood is a bit better today.
How are you spending your day?
I'll stay online for a little while and then switch off to save some electricity.
You'd probably be shocked to know the rate that electricity is used up here in London.
Along with the rapidly increase in bills in general, it's frustrating and stressful.
One of my hobbies is playing my drumkit along to some of my favourite music.
Yesterday I did a drum cover of a jazz tune recorded by the late, jazz drummer, Dannie Richmond.
He played drums with the late Bass player, Charles Mingus.
They made some really good music during their time and that's one of inspirations for liking drums.
Do you have any hobbies?
I also have a love for reading.
My favourite subjects are history, wildlife, the planet, space, cooking, and biographies about interesting people.
I used to love reading books about the cartoon character called Tintin, lol.
I borrowed countless books from the local library about Tintin and would spend hours reading them.
Strangely enough, I've lost interest in it now, although I like the cartoons based on him.
Well, I'll end here and say goodbye and hope that you'll have a lovely day.
Best wishes to you and your son,
From Trevor.
Good morning, Thank you for checking in! I am okay, I woke up a few times because I was dreaming about my ex. My son seems okay. I think he is pulling away from his dad. He used to get picked up from school and now he doesnt want to get pick up until dinner time. His dad didnt call him at all this week. My son talked to him this morning and was talking about pick up time and his dad just didnt want to agree to a later time. (eventually he did when he heard that our son really didnt want to go over until later-you could tell in his voice)
I like to read to (though I cant seem to stay focused right now) but I like thrillers-Frieda Mcfadden. Natasha Preston. Jessica Goodman.
This is a pic of me playing my drumkit at home.
me playing my drum kit at home.
The first thing I would like to say is, try not to blame yourself, even if you (naturally) spend some time reassessing the past 12 years and recall times when the relationship became difficult as they generally do, please to give yourself time to remember that by leaving you for another woman (in my opinion, the difference between her age and yours is irrelevant in this case) because the key factor was simply making a decision to remain faithful to you and by doing so, provide proof by action as time goes by that from the day you met, got to know one another, and made a decision to form a relationship, and eventually start a family, as time naturally passed, and he remained faithful and gave you no reason to doubt his love for you and your son, you'd have every realistic reason to believe that he would be your true partner and stand by you ( as he should have done) no matter what happened that would pose a threat to what you had and built up for the 12 years, and thereby give you every reason to feel good even if you lacked things as a woman, because no one is perfect.
Yet, despite that fact, you remained faithful, and he chose to ruin and leave behind a relationship that you surely put as much as humanly possible into to keep things going.
It's completely natural for you to feel as you do now, because the man you trusted and gave your time, love, and faith in, eventually broke your heart by abandoning you, forsaking his responsibility to the son you brought into the world, and by the time your dear son grows into a man, I'm sure that he'll understand the reality of what his father did and the impact it would naturally upon him and you.
I don't know if the depression and anxiety you mentioned were issues that existed before the relationship was broken, and even if they were, it is completely natural but obviously unhelpful to you as you try to face each day alone without the love and support you deserved and was selfishly taken away from you and your dear son.
All I can suggest is that you try to seek professional help in order to reduce the chances of what happened, leaving you damaged and struggling to cope with your responsibilities to your son and yourself.
It's early days and after what you were subjected to, and the way it is affecting your mental and emotional health, it may be challenging to readjust to being single, however, I hope that even by reaching out via this website and sharing what happened to you and your son, you'll receive all and more of what may hopefully help you to cope and carry on with your life.
I wish you and your dear son all the best for the future.
I am in therapy now. She is actually the one who suggested this site because she thinks I need more support since I am just not getting better. I think I am hindering my own healing because I am just so hyper fixated on his new relationship. It just isnt fair. Its not fair that I devoted myself to him and his needs and wants and it wasnt good enough. Its not fair that I tried and he just wiped his hands cleaned and walked away. Its not fair that after 12 years with me hes comforable being with someone else just a week after breaking my heart when I cant even picture myself entertaining someone else yet. Its not fair that I am so incredibly hurt and he seems to be living his best life and moved on already. Everyone keeps telling me that the tables will turn and that it will all catch up to him but when? I dont know how to stop loving him, and I dont know how to stop caring about him. And it sucks because he clearly doesnt feel the same way and he didnt even feel that way for while if he was doing things behind my back. I didnt even cross his mind and that just really hurts because he meant so fricken much to me.
I really feel the hurt, sense of betrayal and being taken for granted and abandoned after sharing 12 whole years with the man you had a son with, who is now with another woman and doesn't seem concerned for you at all.
I wish I could help you but practically that's not possible and the hurt you now feel is solely down to what your former partner decided to do.
I hope that you'll gain some help from the therapy you mentioned even though it may take some time as you try to come to terms with what you have been through.
I also understand why starting a new relationship is currently difficult and as you mentioned, you still have feelings for him and that's understandable and certainly shows how much you valued the time you spent together before he chose to ruin it for another woman.
It won't do much to ease your sense of hurt and abandonment but please consider accepting my virtual hug (a warm hug for Penguinlover09) as a means of helping you to feel less alone and undervalued.
I wish you all the best for the future and hope that eventually things will work out in a good and lasting way for you and your dear son.
In the meantime, take care and please feel free to keep in touch.
Thank you so much!
You are very welcome Penguinlover09,
it helps me feel better to share my time in your time of need.
Take care,
Trevor.
I am so sorry 😞. You are enough! You are kind. You are smart. You are important. You are amazing. You are wonderfully talented. You are a Child of God!!!
Thank you!
To me, break ups are like grief. You’re grieving a loss. That’s where the depression, sadness and anxiety kicks in. I had to tell myself that not everybody is supposed to be in my life for a lifetime. People come and go, even the most intimate person. It is going to take some time to get over him. It’s going to be mentally painful and tough. Go ahead and accept that it will be. Go for some walks, take up hobbies. And if I’m being honest, allow yourself to hear his voice and have a nice conversation. But keep it moving.
I feel destroyed. I have tried walked and going out and playing games and distractions nothing seems to be helping
I feel so bad for what happened to you. My partner left me two days before my birthday and we were planning on a nice dinner and movie. I couldn’t wait but it destroyed me. And I had to go to work the next day! This is going to be hard! The thoughts that are going through your head only makes you miss and want him back more. I’m taking it day by day but it’s hard and a bit exhausting. You can do it, you can do it. It feels like you will never get over it. You could try to talk to someone else but you don’t have to meet or connect with them. Just nice conversation and laughs.
its so fricken hard!
You are way more than enough. I'm able to realize, 20 years post divorce (lol), everyone has healing to work on, triggers, communication etc. etc. If one person is not ready in life to face themselves, nothing wring with them, at end try to claimed they are ready (lie to themselves and you when you know they are not ready, the ones you thought who would never stray). I've realized the timing was off. It hurts to the core. Takes time to get through the lies, anger, self guilt, depression....... So glad you are doing that. Only thing to do, isn't it? Good for you. Take care of you and your son. You have a great life to look forward to. It gets way better. Wishing you the very best!!! You've got this. Surround yourself with only supportive, people who treat you well and practice setting boundaries, etc....You've got this!!!!! ❤️ You deserve the best.
Thats what everyone keeps telling me I just hope better days are coming soon!
I hear you. That dang time and patience thing about life. Mine took way too long cuz needed therapy. Your doing exactly the right thing. Treat yourself very well. You AND your son too together ☺️ Listen or do self esteem things, anything that points to positivity, self love, care, esteem, etc. ❤️
I'm 62 and learning a great deal. I'm very happy, more importantly, I'm content. They did not have therapy like today when I was growing up. You keep going gf. I'm sure you will process and heal as fast as one can!
Thank you! Im thought I was working thru stuff but my therapist told me last week that Im not doing the work yet and thats why i still feel stuck
You will be able to do the work when you are able and ready to.
I hope so!
Dear Penguin lover Just bad luck ?Hang in there ❣️
God bless you
Sending prayers and love 🤗
Crappy luck!
Just so ! Hopefully things will change for you dear Penguinlover09Sending love
thank you!
You're heavily burdened... Even this too shall pass. Honestly,I have witnessed a lot of people in this situation...it might not look like it now, but even this shall pass...till then,stop hating yourself.
Im trying but its really hard not to compare myself to her
You are viewing it from the wrong angle. Its nothing to do with her, its only to do with him.
He is the one who is inadequate and shallow enough to end up in this situation. He is the one at fault - not his new gf and certainly not you. Never you. He is the ones who walked out on your marriage, hurt you, and is hurting your son.
I think part of what is haunting you is questioning your b/s detector ie your judgement of others. And why you didn't see the red flags sooner and think it could happen again in the future.
I also don't like this idea that we can just 'get over' events in our life. We don't - you just learn to live with it that's all and move on past it to a brighter future.
It means accepting that you might never find closure as its not possible, but if you let yourself you will be able to accept this and let it go, putting it in the past where it belongs. You don't need to forgive either.
That's not forgiving or forgetting, but putting it well into the past where it belonged. You need to start giving yourself permission to begin to move on, but this will take time. But be aware you have to for your own sanity.
I have faith that you can as you are a lot stronger and more resiliant than you realise you know. Carry on getting to know YOU again and remember who you were before marriage and childbirth.
Its only a bit buried and you will find it again. And remember never to give your power away again - ever.
well shes not completely innocent. She knew he was coming home to me and a child and still entertained him.
I tried going out with another man just once and the entire time I felt like I was doing something wrong. I know Im not not but Im still so fricken loyal and faithful to him. Its ridiculous
Hey don't beat yourself down over what was lost long ago. Many people are in relations out of tolerance especially since you have a child together, what I know is sex is a temporary connect, love has little to do with sex and more to do with spiritual attraction. His energy does Not match yours and vice versa, you see when two beings connect over similar intrests that transgresses physical attraction there is glue of you will, to hold you together without trying. The other woman had nothing over you and obviously you were both missing components of the relationship that you didn't notice. It's hard being a single being when the relationship requires 2 to be complete, and don't get me wrong no union is perfect except for the one you have with the God in you, the divine spark of flame that keeps you Goin when you don't wanna go. Be cordial and decent like you are with him, show him to be the daddy he should be, encourage him as you should do for yourself, and keep it moving for your child and YOU. That's the critical component in this experience, YOU need to survive being You for yourself FIRST. The child will follow and be influenced by the LOVE only a mother can give. You must be positive and take the Right road not high or low because you do not have to tolerate or put up with anyone's bs unless you choose to and I know you don't. Yes you want love and for him to love you back and reciprocate compassion, care and empathy, but Honey, NEVER forget why he chose to be with someone else besides you, That is dangerous cuz if you take him back you will never have full trust or dependability upon him to do the rite thing by you, and you Now know this. It's not so rocks and dust, but you MUST love yourself and the baby enough not to fall for the okeydoke again. We are always here to talk and I know the familiarity of his touch, smell and voice are nice and warm, but you have to get past that and reserve it for someone that will give it back to you honestly. I know that's a lot, but hit my the first or last that had to endure relations that don't work out well. It's not failure, it's an experience you HAD to have in order for you to grow and receive something greater, stronger and that gels with your spirit. Love n light friend and be strong.
Thank you It just stinks because it was 12 years. I guess I should look at it as hey least it wasnt 20 or 40 years. Everyone keeps telling me God just removed him for something better but I have trouble believing that. I work from home and I dont drive so I fear im going to end up alone the rest of my life
Hi you'll be fine, you took a chance to work from home with people you will likely never meet, and unless your 95 you can get a license and learn to drive, you learned to be a mom, learned to manage money obviously, so you can manage your life, it's nice as they say to have help, but ok is on you, just do it, for you. Don't let him come back after he fails at whatever and wants help, trust and know that's what's gonna happen. You'll only be alone if you want to be, we all trade off something to be with another person intimately, you just have to set realistic boundaries, that controlling ish and jealousy insecure crap will doom and relationship of the person has balls. Pardon my expression but that's what it takes to stand up for yourself or as you see you'll get ran over, ran through ran around and in not eating time with that nonsense, neither can YOU afford to, your training an innocent soul their
There I meant and children will do what do not what you say, they pick up on that kind of energy so please be careful and mindful of what they may see or hear, love n light my friend.
There I meant and children will do what do not what you say, they pick up on that kind of energy so please be careful and mindful of what they may see or hear, love n light my friend.
No I dont think hell try to come back. He knows he hurt me and he told me theres nothing can fix this and he told his sister theres no chance of getting back together and he knows how much he hurt me he even told his mom that I will never take him back now. I just hope it fails so he feels like an idiot-walking away from something good and your family for just a few month fling and he ends up alone because of it but me saying that makes me think i am going to hell because I shouldnt wish things like that others
Nooo don't feel bad! He's a loser and typical of a pig. Most men are. My ex is a disgusting pig whore boy! He'll find out the grass isn't always greener. And beauty fades. I got some good revenge on my ex because he just kept manipulating me and lying to get me into bed. And I'm not done with him!! Hahah
I didn’t take revenge. He even asked me several times if I burned his stuff yet and I didn’t. I’m just hoping karma takes care of it for me
What if it doesnt fail? I dont even want him back anymore I wish I could let it go I just want him to have a stupid consequnce for it-one that mommy cant solve for him
Well revenge is sweet I can't lie, so what you need to, so u may close that chapter because no amount of explanation or pontificating about this week asks u to feel and know you've been vindicated for yourself.
You can sabotage the relationship too. I can tell you how
I know what you're going through Penguin lover. Don't let him destroy you, like my ex did to me
I’m already destroyed the damage is already done
Everybody is telling you how to move on...but what you really want is to make him see that he didn't make the right decision by leaving... You want to see him grovel? miss you?I think I understand the type of closure you want... Need advice on that?
Sure
Is there a way to chat privately? I'm not going to influence other people's relationships
I messaged you
You are good enough!! He's obviously having a mid life crisis. Once he sees that she's just a little girl with no brains, he'll come crawling back. But don't take him!
That’s what my gut tells me that it’s a midlife crisis. And I want him to come crawling back because then maybe I’ll at least get an apology and then I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that it was a mistake.
It's not going to last. She'll cheat on him because little girls want little boys. She might be a money seeker and if he doesn't have any, She'll be on her way
I hope it doesn’t last. I don’t know what it’s like in person but from the texts I saw she didn’t even really seem that interested it was him always texting her and she would just respond part of me what’s to believe that she’s using him for rides to and from work because she doesn’t drive
Im here if you want to talk
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