long term breakup

[Penguinlover09]

Hi! I’m coming out of a long term relationship (12years). My breakup came out of nowhere there was no warning signs or fighting. He left me for a younger woman. (He’s 40 she’s 27) he’s barely involved in our son’s life-only sees him once a week and he often just watches a movie and falls asleep on him. He calls him on average twice a week and they are short under 3 mins unengaging phone calls. I’m trying to power thru but depression and anxiety is hitting me hard-why wasn’t I good enough what does she have that I don’t? Along with trying and hoping I’m doing right by my son.

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

I'm sorry this happened to your family. As a daughter whose father had multiple affairs, I have witnessed what happened to my mom.

The calls and visits are short because he knows it's awkward. Pretty sure he knows his son knows. They don't know how to talk about it. I don't think he really wants to tell his son the real answer. So if he keeps visits and phone calls short, he never has to have that talk.

Also, the fact that this is a new relationship with this woman, he is in the honeymoon stage, so he's going to devote more time to her than his son.

Unfortunately, you may have to accept that you won't get any closure. I suggest therapy for this because it's going to be a hard thing to accept. But trust me when I say you are more than enough. Don't focus on what she has that you don't have. It's only going to send you down a rabbit hole of despair.

Sending love and hugs to you during this difficult time in your family.

[Penguinlover09 in reply to CL3V3R-G1RL]

Thank you for the reply! Our son does know! He asked his dad and he told him why he left and answered any questions he had about his new girlfriend. And yes I know he is already prioritizing her. He had his mom watch our son (hes 10) the one night he had him to go on a date with her. He said he couldnt cancel because he spent money on it...he also said he would leave around the time our son went to bed but that was about 2 hours early...And when he came home he was texting her already. My son came home crying that night saying all he wanted to do was build a snowman but dad was on his phone.

As for me. I am finally in therapy. This happened 3 months ago and I struggled to find a therapist willing to work with me everyone said I was too depressed. She is actually the one who suggested this group to try to get more support as I only see her once a week and my depression just isnt getting better. I know I shouldnt compare but it is extremely hard because he is doing things for her that I literally begged him to do for me. Its just not fair. I devoted everything to that relationship, I stayed thru everything with him but he couldnt even have a conversation with me letting me know that he was no longer happy instead he started texting, flirting and giving rides home to this girl. Then when I found out about it I was willing to work on things with him and he gave me false home and kept me dangled. He said he knows he being dumb and he thinks hes making a big mistake but says he just no longer loves me.

[CL3V3R-G1RL in reply to Penguinlover09]

I understand. I'm sorry about that. I can explain most of it because I seen it on both sides. My father cheated, the toll it took on my mom and even my sister JG cheated on her man of 30yrs and the toll it took on him.

My brother in law said the same thing that it came out of nowhere. But truth is it doesn't come out of nowhere. There was always "red flags" before an affair even starts. It's just it goes overlook as that's just them being themselves. Through reflection you'll start to think back to some of those moments like my brother in law did and realize there were little signs. My sister JG was always using people to suffer from talking to his family or even our mom. Passive aggressive. Never really wanted to do anything fun at least with him so he just followed her lead thinking it was just her anxiety. Lying about dumb stuff where there was really no need to lie. That was all before the affair. The lead up to the affair she became more secretive. Even though they had a heart to heart talk where she mentioned things needed to change. Giving him the false hope. In truth she had already made up her mind to leave. In fact she was already gone. Kind of like your husband. He was already gone when you talked to him about it. He was already gone emotionally. Just like my sister. It sucks because you do feel like you were sold a bill of false goods. And I believe they did that so they can say to themselves that they did "try". But in reality they left already they just didn't pack their bags yet.

I know how hard it is searching for a therapist. I went through so many hours online, emails and talks feeling very discouraged cause it seemed nobody took my insurance. But I finally found someone who I like and works with my schedule.

Btw that stuff he said is just gaslighting 101 "he thinks he's dumb and knows it's probably a mistake" That is him setting up a just in case plan. If it don't work out with new Honey. Then he can come back home with the "Ooh baby give me 1 more chance."

Truth is you are in a grieving state. Grieving the lost of this relationship. And it's going to hurt. Because not only the relationship but it's also the lost of the idea you thought you knew of him. So you are grieving on all fronts. It's going to take time. Plus it's hard because you have a son. I'm pretty sure he's feeling it too. His home life got disrupted by his father.

I get it, you probably don't want to be alone. However I believe this is an opportunity for you to figure yourself out. Who are you? The person, woman etc Who are you? So much of your identity was tied to him. You need to figure out who you are without him. I think you'll find you are a lot stronger than you think you are. Even though you deeply loved him. You can look in the mirror at the end of the day with no problems. Your conscience is clear. You are more than resilient. You deserve better than this guy.

Sending love and hugs to you and your boy. 🫂❤️

[Edward3000]

Im going thru a 12 year divorce, the first 3 months I was isolated in my dark room for the whole duration. I have bad abandonment anxiety and being alone was the toughest experience of my life, due to my old habits I could hide behind but now I have to face myself n my own insecurities to overcome the loneliness. Even though I still have waves of power fears, longing, and sadness, I try to make 5 to 20 min to sit with the emotion n not hide. This way I can learn to accept my emotion and accept the fact the relationship was not suppose to happen. This is only making room for big and better things to come into our lives. I hope this helped.

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Edward3000]

thanks for the reply! Yes I’m about 3.5 months in and I’m still laying in bed a lot. Forcing myself to do anything else is a task! I was put on meds and I’m in therapy but it just doesn’t seem to be helping. I have abandonment issues because my dad left me when I was 14 so this breakup is bringing up a lot of old things for me. I keep getting told I’ll be better off and something better will come along but what if it doesn’t? I really loved that man. Even tho I now see a lot of flaws and how my needs were consistently not being met. Maybe I am just scared of being alone the rest of my life and that’s why I’m clinging on hoping he comes back even tho he deeply hurt me

[Edward3000 in reply to Penguinlover09]

If anyone can understand you on that it's me. Even after a year was tough but how to help make it faster for you would be to dive deep. Each trigger is a sign of what needs to be addressed. I have high intense emotions due to my past, I have CPTSD and abandonment anxiety, so trying to catch my emotions before they arise is very difficult but with practice practice practice it's been getting easier. Im not going to lie to you but u will feel this for a long time, and it wont stop unless you think of it this way. You are giving someone your power. You can't give your power away anymore. Let the emotions come and when they do embrace them, cuz once you invite the tough emotions in you will eventually think of the positives. Diving into the emotions help u understand them BUT don't think about details only the outline. When you think in details you end up strengthening the abandonment. I did some inner child work and meditation. This will help have more control over ur day to day thoughts. That's why I like to call it walking thru fire to heal. You have to relive areas that have not been healed yet. Controlling the thoughts, we are not our thoughts, we choose what has power in our mind. I believe in you, I have been thru this same thing, and im still working thru it after a year. We got this, force yourself to live, love and laugh. Baby steps

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Edward3000]

I’m trying!!! I just feel like I’m not doing it fast enough. Like my therapist at first was like oh honey it’s been only 3 months but even now she’s like “I think your not getting better because your internalizing it” but she just doesn’t understand how deeply I loved him and everything I scarficed for him. Friends and family and everything I wanted in a relationship /life like marriage. We promised each other we would always call it quits before cheating and then he cheats and he kept me dangling and watched me crumbled. I just don’t understand how u can do that to a person. I just wish I could stop thinking about him. I’m so fixated on his new relationship and hoping that it blows up in his face because I keep telling myself if it does that my pain wasn’t for nothing. Cuz this hurts so bad I don’t know how to overcome it how to stop loving someone. How will I be able to trust and give my heart out ever again. We built a life together and he just walked away without even a word. Do I not even deserve the respect to have a conversation about it, why wasn’t I enough? Why wasn’t I worth fighting for? I literally stayed with him thru no job and drugs and was willing to stay and try to fix things despite another woman and him starting drugs again. I just feel like I was thrown out and he just wiped his hands clean. Literally a less than a week of breaking my heart he was already dating her. How is able to kiss another girl so soon when 3.5 months in and I still can’t even picture myself entertaining someone else

[Edward3000 in reply to Penguinlover09]

Ugh what a d!@k im so sorry u had to go thru this. Ugh, that guy makes all of us good men look bad. It sounds like he is so heartless. It sounds like he has been thru a lot in his past. Womanizing was something I did 15 years ago, and I did it the satisfy the insecurities. Anytime there was fear of breakups I would run to the next. It wasn't until a longing for a normal life that I started to change. But the reason im telling u is for some closure. Don't look for closure from him, u wont get it. It's best to do this on ur own. What he did or what is happening is his own bs not yours. It's not your fault that his insecurities left. He is hurting but not in a way of caring about you. He is only worried about himself and what he can benefit oit of any situation. Men of that caliber needs help in a mental health care. What needs to happen now is all about you. Think 🤔 everytime the emotion rises, where do you feel it??? (Cheat, stomach?) Then name the emotions, sad, mad etc. Then hold that feeling and try and remember when was the first time you felt that emotion in ur life time? Find those timeliness and comfort that child or teen or young adult and tell that person or child that ur safe now, because ur body when it hit high intense emotions turns into survival mode and these emotions and body systems are just there to keep u safe. So even if it sux, it's ur body and mind just trying to protect you.

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Edward3000]

But I think he was a good guy. Maybe I just equate not arguing with as good, because my dad was abusive. This guy and I hardly ever fought, and when we did it was something that I had started. I just thought we clicked. we didnt fight, we were still intimate there was literally no warning signs of him being unhappy. I just am having a really hard time believing that he truly stopped loving me but that maybe it was just over shadowed by the thrill of something new. I know I need to stop thinking about it I just think if I understand the why that I can move on. We share a kid together too and its hard, I always have to have him in my life now. But even that is hard, he only sees our son once a week (friday from 5pm to Saturday 11am) and all they ever do is sit and watch movies and my son will facetime me because his dad is sleeping on the chair and hes bored. Even phone calls. He always "oversleeps" and doesnt call at bedtime and its apparently our 10 years job to call him in the morning. The convos are also always short and he doesnt engage with him. Say its 2 mins phone call at least one min will be silence. and when our child doesnt his dad points it out to him and makes him feel bad but completely ignores the fact that he also didnt call. My kid is constantly making comments about how his dad doesnt love him and how am I suppose to convince him otherwise when his dads actions are what they are. I dont want to bash him but I also dont want to invalidate my sons feelings.

[Ronkoz]

I wish you strength and to be surrounded by the sound of the positive affirmation that you understood the relationship should foster. allow yourself a period to grieve but be aware and somehow you have to put the brakes on these feelings - and i hate to say it because it sounds unfair to you - but you have a child that will want to hear the same sound of positive affirmation from you. And you have a society that will not provide you (a single mother) the compassion you deserve - as it waits to see you lose more and then begins to voice you should lose it all. Dont wait to hear his voice and then realize it is the voice of society calling you unfit. you deserve to have your voice heard so control the narrative .

I 5doubled down on inconsolable after a similar experience - albeight in a 15 year gay relationship that i thought was an enduring love but must have been clouded by the gas fumes coming my way. tonight i was crying in a mcdonalds as i sent him a happy birthday wish and read his thanks that also referred to the pomeranian he was cuddling who i brough home at 2 months and may have raised for 11 years but undeserving currently to receive a picture in a forgotten request he receives each week. but inconsolable took that loss and i found my free will threatened and then gone. All from a relationship ending in my embarrassment and rejection. i know it sounds absurd to not spiral in the feeling you have and i bet he was the only and greatest man on earth - but a warning came that i was going to lose it all and i didnt pay attention - then a stronger one - and by that time i needed to fight back i didnt have the strength. I couldnt explain it but i could barely lift my arm. i am thankfully in a better place now - because the 2 year battle fighting for my independence and free will is subsiding. i am so sorry that you have to experience this grief and i dont envy you - but i do envy that moment in the future and you will have a beautiful child looking up to you in wonder and waiting to hear you call him beautiful. bless you and may god give you all the strength you need. dont forget to keep the little joys going keep that joy meter relatively at least at fair dont be afraid of good (i got it by purchasing every type of body wash available and making the shower time my one zen time). glory be to god.

[Beloved01]

Hi, everyone has a reason for being here...we are here because we are trying to be better.The first and most difficult thing to do when you're depressed is forgive yourself for whatever thing you think you've done, nobody else can do this for you,if you don't stop asking what if's questions there nothing someone else can do for you. It's a very very difficult thing to do,trust me I know .Your priority is your son, children absorb a lot from their parents,so try the compartmentalization... Make sure your son isn't feeling the depth of loss that you are feeling.It's going to be difficult but find a gym where you can hit the heck atta anything to at least reduce the burden...see where you can go from there

[sotired67]

The first thing I would like to say is, try not to blame yourself, even if you (naturally) spend some time reassessing the past 12 years and recall times when the relationship became difficult as they generally do, please to give yourself time to remember that by leaving you for another woman (in my opinion, the difference between her age and yours is irrelevant in this case) because the key factor was simply making a decision to remain faithful to you and by doing so, provide proof by action as time goes by that from the day you met, got to know one another, and made a decision to form a relationship, and eventually start a family, as time naturally passed, and he remained faithful and gave you no reason to doubt his love for you and your son, you'd have every realistic reason to believe that he would be your true partner and stand by you ( as he should have done) no matter what happened that would pose a threat to what you had and built up for the 12 years, and thereby give you every reason to feel good even if you lacked things as a woman, because no one is perfect.

Yet, despite that fact, you remained faithful, and he chose to ruin and leave behind a relationship that you surely put as much as humanly possible into to keep things going.

It's completely natural for you to feel as you do now, because the man you trusted and gave your time, love, and faith in, eventually broke your heart by abandoning you, forsaking his responsibility to the son you brought into the world, and by the time your dear son grows into a man, I'm sure that he'll understand the reality of what his father did and the impact it would naturally upon him and you.

I don't know if the depression and anxiety you mentioned were issues that existed before the relationship was broken, and even if they were, it is completely natural but obviously unhelpful to you as you try to face each day alone without the love and support you deserved and was selfishly taken away from you and your dear son.

All I can suggest is that you try to seek professional help in order to reduce the chances of what happened, leaving you damaged and struggling to cope with your responsibilities to your son and yourself.

It's early days and after what you were subjected to, and the way it is affecting your mental and emotional health, it may be challenging to readjust to being single, however, I hope that even by reaching out via this website and sharing what happened to you and your son, you'll receive all and more of what may hopefully help you to cope and carry on with your life.

I wish you and your dear son all the best for the future.