My wife has bipolar disorder and is currently going through a particularly bad, and long, depressive episode. She has tried to commit suicide many times in the last 8 months. She has a medication review next month but she says has no hope and doesn't believe she will get better. I try to get her to do things and go to places I think she will enjoy but she says she's just going along with what people want and gets no enjoyment out of anything. I spend a lot of my time trying to keep her safe and it's emotionally draining. Things have to get better soon, they just have to!
Wife's depression is killing me - Anxiety and Depre...
Wife's depression is killing me
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Chopper99
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does she go to therapy?
No. We've been trying for quite a while to get therapy through the community healthcare team. Tried a few private therapists who say they are unable to help.
I am so sorry that you and your wife are having to go through this, I can understand the strain it has on you both, I agree that therapy is the way to go and see how.you get on with the reviewAlso is there anyone that can help you? Sometimes it helps if you can get a break.
I hope that things get better please feel.free to reach out.
My wife has a support worker and I recently requested more hours of support but was denied. The argument was that my wife needs to learn to be independent again. Unfortunately I believe if she is left alone my wife will try to kill herself, so I am watching her constantly.
Is there any way that you can appeal that decision? I get that they are promoting independence but surely they can see what's it's doing to youI hope that things get better soon and that she gets the help she needs
You're in my thoughts
Thanks. I've asked twice already so it looks unlikely to happen. And without this extra support I can't go back to work anytime soon
To be blunt, this is not fair to you. It seems to me that your wife should be receiving treatment in the psychiatric wing of a major hospital. She should be taken to the emergency room of a hospital, pending placement in the psychiatric wing. Many of the people in these areas are suicidal and all precautions are taken to make it impossible to commit suicide. Here she would receive therapy, medication, etc. and not be released until there was real improvement.
She has spent time in a psychiatric hospital in December and things didn't improve. She continued to self harm. When we go to a&e after an attempt, the psyche liaison team say the same thing: she has a better chance of recovery being looked after in the community. This may be true but services are overstretched and everything moves at a very slow pace.
Could you go abroad and get better treatment for her, specialists you can trust or somewhere where they would look after her
family, relatives or friends or carer that can look after her for awhile?
I have family who can sometimes sit with her when I have appointments etc. Support workers come in 8 hours a week. I don't have anyone to look after her for an extended period of time
My dad stayed at religious place in India and it really changed him. I was wondering holiday place you could go to too. It might be thing the doctor ordered if health resort ?!
Also I stayed in hospital for while in India due to mental health breakdown. It’s cheaper and better and they spoke English which helped
I've had to cancel short local breaks away because she has been too ill or she's self harmed. I can't imagine being in a position to organise something abroad and to travel and everything go to plan. She has Asperger's syndrome as well which is an added stress
Oh I see but if only you knew people who could really help. Have you tried autism support group as they might know of more help
Look up on internet
Let me know how you do
myautismteam.com
Thank you
I work in a hospital and I know how stretched resources are in the UK, I think if you keep going to A&E they will see the seriousness of the situation and expedite the request to get her seen quicker
We've been to A&E many times. The psyche liaison team have seen how I'm not coping. They always say she has a care package in place and send us home.
I'm so sorry to hear that I hope that you get the help you need soon
Thank you
I am sorry that you and your wife are experiencing this. I'm sure it's not easy for either of you. I hope there's a turn around, soon, an improvement in her health and a reprieve for you.
I'm on zyprexa ask Dr about it I take w duluxotine helps and I've got bad bipolar as does my mom who's a handful to care for,good luck...
My wife takes sertraline and aripiprazole. Which make her agitated, anxious and given her tremors but don't seem to have lifted her mood. She was on sodium Valproate (which helped prevent mania) until an overdose a month ago, when a medical doctor stopped it (understandably) and we have to wait until at least next months to restart it. And also has been on HRT for 5 weeks
I'm sorry you are not being supported. It's a disgrace. I once had a bipolar partner (it was known as manic depression in those days). He was on lithium and the neighbours would notice when he needed help and they would send an ambulance to take him to a mental hospital, where he would stay for months. It was a regular event and it it seemed to work, but I remember on one occasion, I applied to take him out for a few hours and they said he wasn't well enough, but the next day they discharged him.
Things are different now, with the NHS stretched to breaking point, but if your care package doesn't include anything that helps: drugs, therapy, carers or any relief for you, then it's not a care package. I think you need to throw a wobbly somewhere in the system. I wish you every help you can get.
We do have a care package. Carers come in, therapy has been promised, and she has a medication review next month. But everything moves so slowly. I'm constantly chasing up prescriptions. I ring 111 option 2 in emergencies and they don't send anyone round because we have a carer who comes in on a night....for 15 minutes...to give medication and are certainly not trained to deal with mental health conditions!
I am so sorry to hear this. You are dealing with people who don't understand quite what you are dealing with. I know about this 15-minute care. It's all very well and good but it's just a fraction of what is needed. When 111 can't help (because the person you are talking to doesn't fully understand), perhaps 999 would be the better course of action.
Regarding medication, are you able to use a postal pharmacy such as Pharmacy2U? You can order what you have run out of/are about to run out of on-line to your surgery and a few days later it gets delivered. I know how it adds extra stress to your own life to have to keep a handle on the prescriptions.
I just think you probably need to make more of a fuss because it is a matter of life or death. You can tell 'em the facts but if you don't put the weight of emotion in your voice, they're not gonna listen. You're being used; so long as you're there, they can sit back.
Thanks for your reply. The medication is from the community health team and is done on a week by week basis and includes PRN so a regular repeat prescription isn't possible. I must mention my wife also gets 8 hours a week with a support worker who is great, but 8 hours doesn't seem a lot when you're looking after someone who needs to be watched constantly. I do get emotional when ringing. Probably too much. I get angry and need to control the aggression a bit more. It's all very dispiriting
I absolutely understand, having been in a similar situation until quite recently - not to do with BP but Type 1 diabetes causing my partner to behave aggressively and to lose cognitive ability. Apparent incontinence and night-time demands means my involvement would be 24 hours continuous care, which, with my spinal fractures, I could not be expected to maintain. So he is now in a care home and making no progress at all. They are giving him various medication, but he needs mental stimulation and some physical rehabilitation. It is all lacking, and as you say, it is all very dispiriting. Despite him being in a care home, there are still pressures on me which I am finding harder and harder to deal with. His five daughters seem to have discarded him. It is distressing.
There has got to be someone who can help you, but not in the place you are looking. There may indeed be no cure but there should be a way of managing your wife's condition. Presumably her symptoms weren't always so severe. That's what I keep thinking. I look back at the memory of the man I used to know. And internally weep.
That's very tough for you. My wife was stable when I met her, and was stable for several years. We've been together about 7 years. She has cognitive function. She says herself she misses the old her. She was fun and bubbly. She doesn't laugh or smile at any point these days. I do my best but I can't help but be dragged into the depression with her.
Her parents are great but are getting on in years and can't help as much as they wish they could. I'm definitely not alone in this, it just feels like it when I'm with her. Even when I get a break for a couple of hours all I think about is her and the situation
Of course you do. You are unable to escape, I imagine. I would imagine she is the same person - with the same cognitive function - but, at the moment, she cannot enjoy her life. We are both alone in our situations because we don't have the back-up we need.
I have externalised my situation (sorry, I can't think of the correct word); I cannot dwell on things, and when the thoughts come, I shoo them away before they get a grip on me. In your case, you probably can't stand outside what you are going through because it is happening right in your house. It's not right that you are not getting the help she needs. Bipolar has been around a long time; someone must have some answers that can help you.
My situation has happened quickly. A year of him being in and out of hospital, 99 percent of it inside (he broke my computor and I can't do the percentage sign, although I can get around the 5.), followed by loss of muscle, incontinence and now, something that looks like dementia but apparently isn't. My past relationship that I mentioned - the bipolar - was caused by a genetic chemical balance in the brain. Your situation sounds different because you mention therapy, so perhaps there is some hope if they can find out the cause of your wife's condition.
It's a case of trial and error with medication. And it's a slow process. But the doctors just seem too laid back about it. To me every day seems like an emergency because the thoughts are there. And she could try something at any given moment
Yes, so you are always on the alert. They just don't get it, do they? And yes, laid back is a good description. If we lay back, we have to take the consequences. Trial and error and almost: "We are doing things by the book" - never mind the basics like making sure he has socks on, ensuring he get some exercise, cleans his teeth, get some human interaction (at least let him have the Alexa I took in for him) .... all things they keep telling all of us "well" people we must do every day. He's blind, so it's understandable that he's frustrated and takes it out on other people.
Surely there's no excuse not doing the basics. Every patient deserves to have their dignity as well.
Absolutely. And regarding trial and error, I think sometimes they're so untrained that they are trying to re-invent the wheel.
My mother was in a care home a few years back. They had little tablets/iPads where they entered every incident in. One nurse used this gadget first before seeing to the old man who'd had an accident. I couldn't believe my eyes.
The same thing happens in John's care home. They are entering in every report on their phones - which cannot be used as phones to call nurses or maintenance staff, incidentally (only maintenance staff have walkie talkies) and you have to wait while they do it. He had to wait to be taken to the toilet because the carer was getting tea. Tea is obviously more important than actual patient care. He has just been sent to the dementia lounge when not in his room because he has been reported by someone as being aggressive. I'm not sure he has the strength to be any kind of threat, and it's been suggested that when he stands up and walks a few paces, he gets told to sit down. He can't do that because he can't see his chair, and I think some sort of scene erupts. There's no understanding of what it means to be blind. I often have to remind them not to use words like "here" "there" or "this way" because he's blind and they get a bit ratty with me.
It's shocking. It's not even about training. It's common sense and human decency
I don't think they believe in common sense and human decency. I could go on.
Hey you keep doin what you need to, to keep her And you safe. There's no easy fix here as you both are experiencing anxiety and depression, make very sure you continue to talk it out with whoever you feel safe and secure with. Find time to decompress and use your breath training and focus to help relieve the pressure, she needs you and you her so that's a great challenge my friend, you keep at it though, try do so things that she may remember make her smile and laugh that IS the best medicine. Love n light my friend remain strong. Your doing it, it just takes time.
Thank you. We visited my brother last night and me and him had a laugh. My wife didn't get involved like she does when she's well, but she did say afterwards that she was glad I laughed and that's how it should be. Hopefully she can join in with laughter in the future
Hi,
I believe for you and your wife that it will in fact be alright. When you’re depressed everything in the world seems hopeless. You can’t think straight, you have problems eating or over eating, you don’t want to do the things that you once enjoyed the most. It’s like a dark cloud ☁️ following you. I was depressed (I have bipolar disorder too) for nearly a year and I prayed to God every day that I would get better and I did. Not saying you have to pray but just believe that it will be okay and what I learned was that I had to be patient when it came to medication because I had to go through a lot of them to find what worked and would help me get back to my normal self. It will be alright and I know that it’s taking a lot out of you but continue to be strong and have faith. I promise you she will be alright and it may not look like it right now but she will be back to her normal self. Just hang in there. 🙏🏾
Thank you very much. Glad you have recovered. I try to be patient, my wife is not. I worry she will do something where there is no coming back from before the right medication starts to work. And when she self harms it puts back any progress that might have been made because the medication often gets stopped whilst she is in hospital. But she hasn't self harmed in 2 weeks which is new record! That's positive
You're such a good husband. Take care of yourself as you can. Im personally through a really bad depressive episode myself and the mental hospital just wrote im hypochondriac so i don't get disability aid for depression and kicked me out. I only have mom who's in a bad condition since dad left. I have hard time replying. I have hard time eating and doing chores and stuff. It's hell. And im hell to the people around me. I trying to self-isolate because i feel like a danger to others but half my family is not having me have freedom and the other half wouldn't even show up to my funeral. What im trying to say is depression is sometimes a sign to slow down. For me it's burn out from anxiety, for her it's burn out from mania. I also can't get therapy. Tried reading Dr. David Burns but i just don't have focus and motivation. My nervous system is in fawn/faint. What about her? Fight, flight, freeze, faint? Also take it easy. You both are doing your best. Accept it and take rest
At one point she repeating fight, flight, freeze over and over. I didn't know what she meant
Sometimes repeating words is a form of stimming. To try to regulate your system and calm down from being overwhelmed for people with Aspergers/autism.
That's interesting. She could have been stimming like the person here said. I also stim, repeating my late rabbit's name and im not diagnosed with any form of autism (tho as a psychologist myself i think i have accuried neurodivergence due to my cptsd but this country is so behind, we haven't even gotten the new classification of illnesses). She's struggling. And it's hard to watch. My mom was the same. I am the same just not everyone feels me. So once again credits to your both. Try small. Like regulating her nervous system. Give her rest and acceptance, safety. When people are safe after a long time of hypervigiliance, they sleep. But also there are ways to start doing small chores or just activities to feel better. I just cleaned the floor after not cleaning for idk how long. Opened a window for the nervous system regulation. Breathing. Dr. Nicole LePera talks a lot about it but rn idk if you both can go in so deep, you just need to stabilise before going further. The overwhelm i faced yeeted me in heavy depression. There are simple ways to soothe. But make sure she likes them. Like lavender oil. But my mom hated lavender oil so i stopped diffusing it. Teas. Walks. Depending on what stage of the fight, flight, freeze, fawn she is. It's hard to say and i definitely cannot diagnose and take responsibility of a case in my condition but im just trying to educate and give some insight, also to show empathy and respect for you two. I can only wish to have such a supportive relationship. It will get better. These episodes end. Rn it's spring and these things are really severe but once the weather stabilises, i believe she will feel better
Thank you for taking time out to help us when you're going through a hard time yourself. She did yoga when she was feeling better. Has been taught breathing techniques. I put a scented humidifier on on a evening (this is more to do with her nasal drip and long covid). We try to relax in the evenings before going to bed. I have a routine just before bed that my wife calls fucking about. Turning lights off and checking doors are locked (ocd stuff). This slightly irritates her but I can't relax if I don't it. I put on sleep hypnosis recordings which send me to sleep instantly. But my wife doesn't sleep well and needs lorazapam which can't be used long term.
I read David Burns book but the only anecdotes he used in his book were of people who had real issues that could be worked through and solved. Most mental illness (as mine is) is genetic. Nothing happened to bring on my 3-years long episode which I continue to battle. Good luck to you my friend.
Your last 2 sentences about not self harming for 2 weeks and you saying that's positive is great. You can see that glimmer of light and as a few pe have said it will improve,so hard when it takes so long I know.
Definitely, keep going you are doing great supporting her and take every opportunity to get a respite with relatives and good friends who can help you.
Bipolar UK have a Friends and Family support group zoom once a month that might be helpful
I just want to tell you what a wonderful caregiver you are My husband would have put me in a long term psych. Unit a long time ago and I cant blame him.
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