I just can't take it anymore. I want to live but it's too damn painful.

[Joshgw]

I've tried everything, hospitalization, ECT, TMS, meds, ketamine. Nothing works. In fact, I just started zoloft 4 days ago and everyday i feel worse than the day before. I know it takes time but with everyday getting worse what do I do? I've been on 20 meds, I know the drill. What do I do while I'm waiting for relief? Am I ever going to get relief? Is this all there is is? I can't live like this.

i do therapy three times a week. My marriage is breaking up. But at least we're in couples therapy so there is some hope. I have a 12 year old son who clings to me because he's afraid something will happen. Everytime I say goodbye to him I say I love him because I'm afraid I'll never see him again. I spend at least half of every day sobbing and wishing the pain would stop. I wish I knew how to make the pain go away. I'm so suicidal and i try to say to myself I could never leave my family, I want to watch my son grow up. So, eventhough i cant live like this, i cant kill myself either. It would ruin my son's life. I couldn't do that to him. I just wish I could be normal. I wish I knew how to make the pain stop.

[Adamj]

Don’t give up and don’t give up hope even though it’s painful now you never know when things will change and as REO Speedwagon has a song keep pushin just keep pushing on. And remember to take every step to try and help yourself and do it for yourself if not yourself your son. And this all doesn’t make you not normal many many people feel the same way which doesn’t diminish how you’re feeling now. People can tell you what you should do or what you should try but in the end it’s up to you figure out what works for you and what you’re willing to do to help yourself.

[blue-green-purple]

Hey Josh, just sent you a PM. I can relate. Hang in there.

[Breatheart]

Have you had genetic testing or had a Genesight test? You could have MTHFR like me which can absolutely cause treatment resistant depression. It’s all about how your body metabolizes your medication. Please look into this. It’s simply a swab test. Ask your dr about it. It is absolutely worth looking into. Lmk how it goes 👍💖

[Joshgw in reply to Breatheart]

I did the genesight. Not sure how accurate it is. In the past year, I took three meds in the green section, one didn’t do anything (viibryd), one made me extremely suicidal (trintellix) and the other(Mirtazipine), which I tried twice made me manic and gave me violent fits. What's MTHFR?

[Breatheart in reply to Joshgw]

You need to find out if you have the MTHFR gene mutation

[Joshgw in reply to Breatheart]

Are you talking about the folic acid deficiency? I already take deplin for that

[Breatheart in reply to Joshgw]

It hasn’t helped? I’m reading investigating MTHFR because I have it and I’ve been in a severe depression and anxiety state for over a year. I’m finding out that I’m an overmethalator and ssris wont help me. I’m desperate

[Joshgw in reply to Breatheart]

It takes deplin a long time to working I'm desperate too. Ssri's also don't help me much. I've been on zoloft for 5 days and I feel more worse everyday I take it.

[Breatheart in reply to Joshgw]

Have u heard of Dr Daniel Amen? I don’t know if I trust it or not…but he has different clinics in theUS that do brain spects…..and “supposedly “ the drs can see what’s going on in your brain to be able to treat you. It kinda makes sense. MRIs of your brain to see which transmitters are working or not. Maybe worth a try. At this point…..Imsearching for straws. My husband thinks I just need to go back to work….that I need a distraction. He doesn’t get it…. I’ve had s ideations for a year!

[Joshgw in reply to Breatheart]

I havent heard of him specifically, but I do know there are doctors who do that sort of thing and it's very expensive. I've already maxed out all my credit cards paying for therapy/psychiatrist. No one in NYC takes insurance.

[Breatheart in reply to Joshgw]

I know. 😞. I live in NY too. I have the same problem

[Joshgw in reply to Breatheart]

Did you go to Dr. Amen or anyone else? Did it help? I did go back to work after my hospitalization. Had to, otherwise couldn't pay my mortgage and I'd lose my house, and probably my family. It is good for a distraction, but I'm not productive at all when I'm there and hard to engage with people. But it does get me out of the house.

[Breatheart in reply to Joshgw]

I didn’t go to Dr Amen. But if you live in NYC…..there’s a good psychopharmacologist that people recommend His name is Dr Robert McMullen. He has a lot of videos on YouTube. You could check him out

[Joshgw in reply to Breatheart]

Thanks. I have a good psychiatrist I like.

[Nothing_but_books]

I heard you. I don't know what to say beyond that. Hold on to your chances, and do everything you can do.

[anonleo]

I’m so sorry you feel this way and I have no words but I wanted to let you know you aren’t alone.

I’m so tired of feeling this way every day but I can’t leave my daughter here alone. I hope we get better

[Joshgw in reply to anonleo]

Thank you. Guess we're in the same boat

[Survivor1687]

(((hugs))) My heart goes out to you.🌹

[Arymretep]

My thoughts are with you, it’s so hard but try and be strong for your Son 😘

[Echo85]

words can't make things better or easier ,i just wanted to say that i understand your pain and you're not alone ,over the past year i tried over 15 meds that i can't even remember their names,ketamine sessions and therapy visits,and still can't get out of bed because of pain ,its really hard to live like this 😔Hope you'll feel better soon

[101315]

I have no answer for you but I am in a very similar spot. It is oddly comforting to know that I am not alone with my thoughts and feelings. Misery loves company and maybe thats why I am here. Keep opening up and sharing because nothing will change for the better if you isolate yourself.

[Joshgw in reply to 101315]

I completely agree with you. Thanks for your support. I wish I had an answer for you too

[Hidden]

Sometimes there are no easy answers, life can be really frustrating and rough. I’m glad your son gives you reason to live, he’s a blessing and know that no matter how much you may think of yourself as being a failure, you are definitely a blessing to him. I know that you and your wife are going through some tough issues between both of you. I bet in a lot of ways she still loves you, she’s just very frustrated herself. If she gets angry and lashes out at you don’t totally believe all of it. Myself and someone I will call my significant other-we both have bipolar disorder and I’ve really put him through hell in a lot of ways. I’m lucky we still talk to each other. We didn’t have children because we knew we were both really messed up ourselves. I’m very sad because he wants me to live with him again I know it won’t work. If you’d like to send me a personal message by all means do. Don’t give up hope.

[Joshgw in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your support. I love my son and wife more than anything, so much it hurts. I made the choice to have them, but if I was alone i don't know if id be here. In the end, I probably couldn't go through with it, but I don't know.

I'm sorry to hear about problems with your significant other too. I couldn't imagine my life without my son, but for a 12 year old he knows more than he should. He's very smart, astute and sensitive. He knows what depression is and is so nervous/scared for me he just clings to me. When I came home from the hospital, he followed me around the house. I totally understand your choice not to have children, and I've wondered about that for me too. What must be going through his mind?

I'll send you a PM

Thanks

Josh