what do you do when you have no reason to get better?

[CroutonBehavior]

I already don't want to exist as is. The amount of effort that it would take to get a psychiatrist just so I can get my brain to an okay level sounds ridiculous. On top of that I don't have any friends that I would consider trustworthy. I don't have any family that I can rely on either. I don't work or go anywhere, I just live with my mom and stay in my bedroom because my anxiety is so bad that I'm too afraid to go outside.

There's nothing keeping me here. I find no pleasure in anything and I've tried. I try to watch comedy shows but I only recognize the joke. I can't laugh or smile or get it to reach me in any capacity. I've been miserable for this entire year and I'm running out of stuff to distract myself with.

I was already hospitalized, I already talked to my ex therapist and ex psychiatrist before I fired them. They didn't help and seemed to have an agenda on their own. I wasn't being heard so I left and now I can't find a new one. I don't know what to do anymore. I just sit and scroll online because it's all I have energy for but even then, I find myself setting my phone down and just sitting in silence. It's not just a lack of pleasure when listening to music or doing anything. I'm entirely uncomfortable and repulsed. I can't tolerate basic things anymore. Listening to music used to be an energy free leisurely activity for me but now it's just noise and I can't stand to hear it. I feel that way with everything. I can't even take a walk to "calm down" because that's a stressor too.

I'm not really looking for anyone to dump advice and ideas on me because I have already talked myself out of everything. I'm just wondering if anyone has ever been in a place where they didn't see a point and reality agreed. Depression tells me that no one in my family loves me and logically that is true. How am I supposed to feel better when I have absolutely no resources and no support system. I've been depressed for 12 years, it's impossible for me to keep relying on myself when I'm this sick but I really don't have any help.

People tell me to get better for myself but I don't even know who I am fully. I love myself and I know I'm a smart kind person but this is not sustainable for me.

[Shield_Of_Faith]

I'm sorry you've been going through tough times. I don't have all the answers myself but I feel like this from time to time too. I feel like nothing, nobody. But between me Praying to God and finding my path to the right doctor and the right medications. I'm still a long work in progress but I see a difference in the way I think and the way I am now vs. a year earlier. I have extreme social anxiety and agoraphobia and depression. It's still hard for me to leave the house but here and there I've been trying more than usually to get out, it's not alot for the record but improved more then when I wouldn't even try or even think about leaving the house. I do Hope things can improve for you. If you feel you don't have support, well I believe you can improve too, it's not an overnight solution it takes alot work on yourself and time, sure you may have bumps in the road , I sure did and at times still do. But I believe with working on yourself, trying your best in life to get better or improving and not giving up will be worth it. I'm sorry if I didn't help much, I'm just trying my best to encourage others the best I can. Because I have felt that way more times than I can count. I'm hoping all the best. 🙏

[Cookie2217]

If nobody has ever told you this before you are worthy, you matter and you are fearfully and wonderfully made by God and he makes no mistakes. Believe me and my deepest darkest depression that lasted 4 years I found absolutely no pleasure in anything I didn't smile about anything I just sat in the darkness day in and day out and I told my husband not to make any noise whatsoever because the slightest bit whatsoever would bother me cuz all I wanted to be was in silence in the dark because that's all that I could do at that time I was that depressed and there was no Rhyme or Reason to it. That shit lasted four long years. I know that you have been depressed for 12 years I can't even imagine what that would feel like I would go out of my mind and I'm surprised you haven't so far. You say that you have no family no friends and no support system use us as a support system the people here that care and are willing to listen to your deepest darkest thoughts because we've been there we know how you feel you're not alone in this depressive episode. I know that you said that you're not on medication but I think that at this point you need to go to the ER maybe and let them know how you feel because you need to be on meds you can survive this on your own and I'm worried for you immensely please do yourself that favor and let them know that you didn't connect with your psychiatrist and your counselor and maybe they would have a new one for you in their own records for you to try and get an appointment with their psychiatrist and their counselors on the outside in an outpatient program Maybe. Depression is the biggest liar in the world it tells us that nobody loves us nobody wants us that we're worthless and that we're a nobody but in fact we are each unique in our own way and have gifts to share with the world some people are aware of theirs right away and others have to search for theirs. Through my depression and my three suicide attempts between the ages of 18 and 21 what I learned was God save me on the last one because I was only 15 minutes away from death I was gray and they told my parents that I may not make it I woke up a day and a half later and I see you my doctor told me they pumped my stomach and I had no recollection of any of it. My family doctor told me that those two people out there that were my parents were too old to have me doing this over and over again and I never forgot his words. My doctor cared very much about me and I was hospitalized three separate times given a therapist and then sent off to outpatient. My first counselor sucked and all she did was shake her head and tell me "well what do you think". That counselor a new idea ever living shit out of me and I asked for another one and she was tough on me and just told me to get a job but maybe I needed that toughness because I did get a job and I kind of forgot about being depressed for a while and threw myself into work. I went back to school at 24 for psychology because I wanted to know why I was so screwed up and I learned a lot. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and I was her Target and she verbally emotionally and psychologically abused me from the bottom of a Scotch bottle every single fucking night. My father was supposed to protect me and instead he went to sleep and left me to deal with the Fallout all by myself on The Daily. He also physically abused me when I was younger with a belt. So needless to say I grew up with Childhood trauma which I carried into adulthood which did wonders for myself esteem and I have self-loathing issues because of it. So talk about no support system I'm right there with your sister I totally identify with you 100% there I had nobody my own sister who was 2 years older than me didn't go through any of this shit because she was looked at as the smart one and I was looked at as the Black Sheep the one with all the problems. I hated my teenage years and early adulthood they were the hardest years of my life but I've gotten through it somehow and now I'm 54 years old but I still have problems with self-esteem each and every morning I have to ask my husband do I look all right for work I mean really?? I automatically believe those lies that depression tells you that you're not good enough trust me I do know where you are and what you're saying and where you're coming from here. I'm here to tell you that I will be there for you if I can be in any way shape or form cuz I fear for you please don't do anything harsh because you'll regret it as I regretted my past suicide attempts because I would have missed so much in life. I've been married for 18 years and my husband is a godsend and you'd figure that he would be enough for me not to be depressed but depression even took him from me and I remember the night that he cried and said Tara I don't know what to do for you and it broke my heart I should be happy but I can't be that's a depression does it doesn't care about your your good marriage it doesn't care that you have a beautiful Maine Coon cat that needs your love and support. My depression took everything from me I resigned from my job in 2023 I lost my home and now I live in my sister's basement I have nowhere left to go except up from here because last year brought me to my knees absolutely I'm crying even right now writing this to you because I can't believe that I was that low but that's what depression does the monster that it is the darkness we we don't see a way to go on I've been there I know. Please keep in touch with me to let me know how you're doing whether it be good bad or different I care and a lot of other people out here do too so if nothing else you have us as your support system as I said before it helps to get things out so talk to us. I wish you peace and well-being and I will be praying for you to come out of the darkness okay.

[Hidden]

Hi CroutonBehavior, I like your name, it reminds me of a salad. But anyway, your whole message could have been written by me. I know exactly how you feel. I wish I had a cure for us. It sucks to live this way. Every night I go to sleep and pray I don't wake up but I'm never that lucky. The only thing I know for certain is that one day we will all die and be free of this awful existence. That's something we can be grateful for. In the meantime we have each other in this group. We understand whereas most people's family don't understand and if we have friends, they don't understand either. So just keep writing to us. We'll be here for you.

[sunshinefan]

CroutonBehavior

You are worthy and worth it. You are strong to have lived with this for 12 long years. It is hard. I have been where you are and understand. Depression tells you lies all the time. Keep coming to us and posting. I also think you should go to the ER to get some help. You can't keep living this way on your own. Please keep coming.

[CroutonBehavior in reply to sunshinefan]

I don't think my depression is lying anymore. I'm aware that things can get better but I'm logical enough to know that it's unlikely. I don't see what going to the ER would do. I was already admitted in February and the whole reason why it didn't work is because I'm unable to get adequate follow up care. The only thing they can do is admit to inpatient again and/or send me home with the same list of providers who aren't available anyway.

[MyBeanie in reply to CroutonBehavior]

I feel everything you described… “What’s the point” is what I keep thinking…I have ADD so I ruminate over and over about everything I wish had happened differently in the last 10 years….the only thing that works for me is to binge watch TV so my mind can take a break and immerse in another world…

[samack]

I know what you are going through and you like me are treatment resistant. I don't know all your med history, but just existing can be so painful. Have you gone to more than one psychiatrist currently? You deserve to get through this and I don't have any tricks up my sleeve. I'm still struggling 8 years. I can get out and "function"with lots of strain. I don't always know if it's worth it, but you are not alone here. Support makes a difference. Wishing you love and healing.

[AlsoStonesFreak]

It took me a while too. Don't give up. We're always here for you.

on.soundcloud.com/oYbq427gi...

[CroutonBehavior in reply to AlsoStonesFreak]

12 years is a lot more than a while. I think I deserve to give up at this point.

[AlsoStonesFreak in reply to CroutonBehavior]

I just lost my job today. I'm almost ready to do the same.

[CroutonBehavior in reply to AlsoStonesFreak]

That's really unfortunate. Maybe giving it time will help but I know that doesn't guarantee anything.

[CKC2023]

I had gone through just about as long a period of depression, and the reason, looking back, was that I had no real connections to other people. I suffer from anxiety and related depression, which makes it hard for me to meet anybody. In the end, I was just lonely, and some of the people I did manage to meet were not the best and only added to my problems. Perhaps joining a group of similar people would be helpful. A lot of hospitals offer free programs.

[Cookie2217]

Hi CroutonBehavior. It's Cookie22 here. I was just going through this post and wanted to check in on you and ask if anything has gotten any better for you lately.....I was just in the hospital for something unrelated to depression but found out I have a nodule on my lung that's got me a bit anxious but hopefully it will turn out to be nothing. Just one more thing to worry about I guess. Anyways wishing you peace and well-being. Really would like to know how your doing.

[CroutonBehavior in reply to Cookie2217]

Yeah, hopefully it's nothing. I hope you get a break from the worry you're going through. I've been okay all things considered. I didn't have health insurance for a bit but now I do but I don't think about seeking help anymore. I've been in a daze for a bit just listening to audiobooks and doing the bare minimum. I'm coming out of it now so my mental state is taking a dip but it is what it is.

[Cookie2217]

I don't have health insurance either it really sucks because getting help is costly. Why have you been in a days and doing the bare minimum is it the depression causing it? I did a medication change with my primary care physician from Pristiq 100 mg with Abilify 10mg to Prozac 20 mg. and Abilify 10mg and my depression is completely gone. Do you have a primary care physician that could write you a prescription for Prozac maybe that would help you too.

[CroutonBehavior in reply to Cookie2217]

I've been less depressed and more disassociated. My last psychiatrist said that I might have bipolar disorder due to family history and my symptoms but I'm in denial about it. I don't even know if I have a formal diagnosis but I know that when I took Prozac, I felt great but I couldn't sleep. I don't see my primary doctor until next month and while I've never directly asked her for antidepressants or anything, she's never made that seem like an option. She might not feel comfortable giving me psychiatric care because of the severity of my issues which is why she's written me 2-3 referrals for specialists in the past year but it's gotten me nowhere.

I guess I've been doing nothing because I don't want to get better that badly anymore. If there was a clearer and more concrete way for me to get help, I would still hesitate but maybe I'd take it. I was taking Lamictal earlier this year after I was hospitalized but I didn't have a new psychiatrist to refill it. Maybe my PCP will help, but I highly doubt it.

[Cookie2217]

I hope your primary care physician helps you out and she gives you the care and medicine that you may need in order to feel better. I don't have any type of insurance since I resigned from my state position in February of 2023. When I moved up to PA from NJ in October of 2023, I applied for the state assisted insurance but I was outside the enrollment period so I was denied any sort of help. I told them "look I'm practically homeless and I'm living in my sister's basement now and don't have any type of insurance from my work right now. Still denied. Then I was told that you had to have a qualifying event for being outside of the enrollment a nd I said how about homelessness they didn't want to hear anything about my situation at all. I'm totally disgusted with the system I've paid into the system for 20 plus years work since the age of 16 and I'm now 54 years old. On top of that I just got out of the hospital spending two overnights there for issues other than my depression I can't wait to see that hospital bill and they told me that I'm over about $40 only for Medicaid and I can't apply for temporary Medicaid to assist with that bill. The only option I have there is to apply for charity care which I will be doing cuz there is no way that I'm going to be able to pay a bill with two overnight stays and 25 tests on top of that because of an episode I had of nausea, profusely sweating Etc at work last week and it happened again last Wednesday and my boss called an ambulance for me I felt so awful I told her to after she asked me if she should call an ambulance. There's nothing absolutely nothing I can do about this upcoming bill I can't wait to see the total it's probably going to be astronomical. Well as they say you can't get blood from a stone and that's the way it's going to go I've never abused any system before I've only been on Unemployment twice in my life once being during covid like everybody else was because I was practically locked out of the State Building like all the other workers were but we still had to go into motels hotels and people's homes risking getting covid to save kids. I was so angry at the state because how can you make sure that your children on your caseload safe if you can't get in to see them that went on for about 3 months during the beginnings of covid. They gave us all laptops to take home with us and I actually worked more hours and only got paid salary so frankly double the hours for a salary rate. We all got the shit end of the stick there. The state knew that there was people that damn well weren't doing anything except sleeping late showing up for our mandatory Microsoft teams meetings in pajamas and turning off their video camera which wasn't allowed but people did it anyway cuz they just didn't care and what happened to those people absolutely nothing the state didn't do one damn thing about that while I work my ass off with days that never end. One last point I'll make before I get off my soapbox LOL is that once you turn 50 they go after you for whatever reason they can to get you out so you don't collect your entire pension because it saves them money so guess what happened to me I was six shamed because I have asthma and the work environment became totally toxic to me and that is the reason why I resigned because they were starting to question my abilities to do my job correctly and would send me out in the field with a buddy because they all of a sudden didn't trust my judgment. I mean after 20 years of doing the same job I think I know it like the back of my hand thank you very little. I also explained to someone about all of the ins and outs of the Child Protective Service Agency because there's an absolutely no continuity there whatsoever for the families that were supposed to be serving. Each office is independent and makes their own decisions on whether to remove a child or keep them in home which I think is ludicrous where is the protocol that leaves it open for interpretation one office removes a kid while another for the same reason keeps the kid in the home if that's not confusing for the families could you imagine what it's like for the workers because people do talk to each other and then we get screamed at by the clients and families who find it unfair and I don't blame them it is unfair. But that's the state for ya. Wishing you peace and well-being.