Afraid to get better? Do you self sabotage yourself

[Joshgw]

Is anyone else here afraid to get better? That for some reason you're holding on to your depression because it's more comfortable to be miserable than to improve? Is it the unknown, the fear of responsibility? I know I am. My wife says I always self sabotage myself. Once something starts to work I freak out and then whatever it is stops working. I've been on about 20 meds, ECT, TMS, ketamine, hospitalization and nothing works. For the last 14 months I've had severe suicidal ideation, depressive/emotional pain.

I was on lexapro for 13 years and went off of it 14 months ago. It kept me at baseline, a safety net but I felt like I was just existing, no joy or motivation or anything. I had this sense of paralysis or inertia and all I could do was sit on the couch. It was not life. Finally, I said there has to be something better than this and went off. My doctors couldn't stabalise me and I wound up in the hospital.

I started it again 4 days ago and got relief right away from the suicidal and pain. Then the last two days I got less and less relief. Today, I got nothing, like I never even took anything and the suicidal pain is back. I know things take time and you've got to give it a chance (I've been on 20 meds and this before), but I wonder, am I already self sabotaging myself? My wife got that stuck in my head and I can't get rid of it. I'm really scared this isn't going to work either and I'm all worked up and upset. I really need help. I can't live like this or function. I need to at least have hope. I know I might just be catastrophising, but I'm freaking out here. I know it's only 4 days. I know I need to be patient. But to get relief so quickly and have it disappear is really messing with my head.

I'm reaching out to you guys because I'm really scared. I have a 12 year old son I promised I'd stick around, but I'm in so much pain right now and have been for so long (25 yrs) I don't know what to do I've run out of treatments and I do therapy 3 times a week.

[Agora1]

I hear the anxiousness in your words Joshgw...We can definitely sabotage ourselves fromhealing for many reasons. Fear of medication itself, fear of side effects and most of all

fear of the unknown. What will it be like to feel free of anxiety/depression? We haven't

felt good in so long that in some sick way, at least we know what to expect. Sad isn't it.

Afraid to get better. Afraid to Heal.

Many have been where you are but hopefully the day comes when "enough is enough" in

allowing our mind to take over our lives. Our mind is powerful enough to allow us to get

better however it is also powerful enough for us to stay stuck in this cycle of fear and

depression when we don't believe.

I think what happened when you felt a little relief after taking the first pill is that it scared

you to feel better as well as having those "what if" thoughts come in and wipe out the

positive and leave you back with negative thoughts "it's not going to work" "Nothing works

for me" No nothing will work when you plant that seed into your subconscious mind.

The subconscious mind is listening to every word you speak or think and then plays it

back at night while you are sleeping. The more negative the thoughts the more negative

the results. Just saying Josh through my own experiences... xx

[b1b1b1 in reply to Agora1]

There is so much to think about in you reply to Joshgw. Some of it may apply to me. I too am very hesitant to take medicines. SSRIs caused me to have problems with sodium depletion. I have now been prescribed mirtazapan, but am not taking it. I think I should!.

[Agora1 in reply to b1b1b1]

Hi b1, as much as I am into medical issues as well as the Mind/Body Connection, Itry to stay away from reading anything regarding medications. Because of the fear of putting doubts in my mind and being afraid to give it a try.

I leave that into the hands of my doctors who know my health history. I ask questions of

concern when I need to but once I make the decision to take the drug of choice, I take it

open mindfully not anticipating any issues.

I did not know of the sodium issue connected to SSRIs. We do ourselves more harm with

our fears in not taking medications that are prescribed. (but I do understand your concerns) I wish you well should you choose to go on it. It may be just what your body needed in the long run. Good Luck dear xx

[b1b1b1 in reply to Agora1]

Mirtazapan was prescribed for me because it does not have any problems with low sodium. Also, SSRIs do not drop sodium drastically - just enough to give you a little warning. The lower sodium would show up in a routine blood test, OR you would feel minor symptoms similar to having slightly low blood sugar from having a late lunch or skipping breakfast. There would be more than enough time to deal with any issue. That is what happened to me.

You are very wise to stay away from reading anything about medications. Unfortunately, I usually read the hand out that comes with prescription drugs. I know it is mostly meant to protect the drug company from lawsuits, but they can be very scary. I will try your method of just trusting the doctor. xx b1

[Agora1 in reply to b1b1b1]

You're right b1 in those hand info paks are more for the protection of thecompany in getting sued. If you ever listen to the tv ads, your head can spin

with the side effects it needs to state and yet the ad always starts with a

promising answer to many health issues. xx

[Joshgw in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for your kind note. I think I'm just afraid to get better because depression is all I know

[Agora1 in reply to Joshgw]

Josh there is no rush to the finish line. We all get there when we are ready,when the time is right. One step at a time. xx

[Dragonfly_50]

I’m sure it’s possible to self sabotage but for me? No. Absolutely not. These pits of despair and anxiety? I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy. I would NEVER intentionally or sub consciously sabotage that. If a person accused you of self sabotage the first question I would ask is “have they ever personally experienced this themselves to this degree?” Most often the answer would be no. So they can’t have any truly honest idea what it’s like or make a self sabotage “claim.” You need to try everything and anything for your kids- they need you and believe it or not the world needs you. I’m wondering about your wife though. I’d give you my honest opinion but I don’t think it’ll make you happy to hear.

[Breatheart]

I’m the same as you. Meds now might help for a few days and then don’t. I really believe it has to be the way our body is metabolizing it So I’ve been looking into that …. Just taking Deplin doesn’t solve the problem. I desperately want to be free of depression etc. I think you do too. Nobody wants to feel this torture

[Willow2022]

I don’t feel like I self sabotage but I do sometimes wish I could just be all alone, no husband, no kids, no one. Just alone in a little apartment where all I have to worry about is myself and not how my mental health affects everyone else. It’s the numb part of depression where I tend to push those people closest to me far away

[Zhangliqun]

Have you ever gotten a diagnosis, ie: what's causing all this?

[101315]

I am self destructive also.. my experiences are different of course, but the issue is the same. You have an advantage that not everyone does. Your spouse and child could be, and should be, the biggest and only reasons you need to survive the day.

Easier said than done, but let us be honest, if that is not enough, nothing will be. Imagine teaching them to drive, or visiting some where for a special anniversary. Keep those moments close and pursue them as you are able. Little by little, the thoughts of being happy could creep up on you and one day, you might actually be happy.

Life is not guaranteed so make the moments count when you are able. You promised your child something and promises should never be broken.

[Joshgw in reply to 101315]

Thanks, you're right, but its so hard and I know you know that

[101315]

I certainly do. I am rooting for you Josh.

[Joshgw in reply to 101315]

Thanks. Glad to know I'm not alone. I'm trying as hard as I can

[Jake1999]

As you I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a very long time. Over 40 years. I got used to living depressed and felt like I was doing something wrong if I felt any joy. It was easier to forget what it was like. About 2 years ago I tried to commit suicide. Thank god it did not work!!! After being on deaths door I realized everything I had to live for. For the past two years I have been working hard on myself. I still have a hard time coping with life but I find the beauty in things that bring me joy. This is happening more and more. All I can say is keep fighting!!

[Joshgw in reply to Jake1999]

Thanks for your thoughtful note. I still have a lot of suicidal ideation but I am trying.

[Jake1999 in reply to Joshgw]

That is the only thing that we can do!! Keep up the fight you got this!!