I promise this is the last time I will post having a moan and seeking reassurance.
I went through a lot of stress 5 years ago. My brother had a psychotic break and he attacked my husband and a year later he lost control again and attacked me. My family hurled abuse at me for making the decision to cut him out and since I've not been part of my extended family (mother and 2 sisters). It led to anxiety and agoraphobia. I am lucky to have a wonderful husband and 3 children, we pulled through it together and I was almost recovered then last summer I had serious fatigue issues. I put it down to me having done some cardio hiit training to lose weight as it's quite hard going. It got worse and worse, my GP suspected a thyroid issue and ran some tests which showed my thyroid was borderline underactive. TSH was 4.9 and T4 about 11. He said he would check me in 6 months and left me to it. I battled on. Then in November last year my son became very low, was being sick before school and having panic attacks all day in school, begging me not to send him etc... it was awful. He was being bullied and in the end he told us he wanted to take his own life. My world fell apart. It was the worst 3 months of my life.
During that awful time my fatigue got much worse, I started suffering from severe dizziness. It was like I was walking on a boat feeling and a little giddy in my eyes. I was having huge energy crashes and couldn't even walk around my house some days, I'd be terrified to walk due to the ground moving feeling as I walked. My GP came to see me 3 times over 3 months as I couldn't leave the house and he diagnosed acute stress and anxiety. He said I'd had another trauma seeing my son so ill and it had caused a breakdown. He said it was all my anxiety returning and i was probably depressed. He ran a lot of bloods and said my thyroid was starting to worsen so we would check it every 8 weeks. In January my TSH was 6.8, March 7.5 and May 9.28 (range 0.27-4.2) and FT4 was between 14 -15 (12-22 range).
He finally in May agreed to treat me and I started 25mg thyroxine. I was still having energy crashes during the spring, say 2 a week, daily I'd feel fatigued and couldn't manage more than light housework and the school run. I'd stopped going out to shops, socialising, everything I'd worked hard to get back in my life since the attack. I just had to accept I was poorly health wise and that was why things had returned anxiety wise. The energy crashes came on if i did a day out with my hubby and kids, or even too much housework. Also any contact from my mother or sister would flare up stress and I'd have a crash from all the anxiety it caused me. To this day if they contact me like now on the build up to Christmas I get extremely anxious and stressed because it's never positive. I remain civil with my mum for my kids sake, I don't really speak to my sisters now, 1 we never talk and the other won't give up and wants to see my children for sleepovers etc.. and if I say no as she lives with my brother, she gets angry and lashes out at me so I keep contact to a minimum.
So things improved energy wise slowly, the crahes lessened to 1 a week and daily I just felt tired and a little woozy. In August I had a huge crash and my GP came out to see me, he said it was a virus or my mood had dipped again. I explained I wasn't poorly and this was an energy crash. HE said he wanted to run some bloods. I put it off for 7 weeks as blood tests terrify me and I'd had enough and was scared of more bad news. In October I decided to do it, he came to the house and took 5 tubes of blood. He tested full blood count, blood film, b12, folate, ferritin, Creatine Kinase, kindey function, U&Es, Liver function, Nuclear antibodies, random blood glucose, HBA1C..... I think that was it lol! All came back good, better than the year before and all that flagged up was my sodium was a little low at 129 (should be 135 at least which it was a year ago) potassium was 3.4, normal is 3.5. GP wasn't worried at all about potassium but wanted to re check my sodium which scared me having another blood test. I was having my thyroid checked with Medicheck that week so I added sodium onto that test and it came back at 138, GP was happy to accept it and told me it was fine.
Since then I felt really good, I started doing a lot more housework, I walk my dog for 10 minutes a day and started doing exposure work for my agoraphobia. i was going to a shop 3 nights a week. I was feeling much stronger and less anxious. Then December hit. 3 weeks ago I had a nasty anxiety attack out of the blue, very physical which isn't like me as my anxiety is more worrying in my head and then some physical symptoms due to the stress of worrying and thinking. So this anxiety attack lasted 28 hours and after that it was simmering low for the next 2 weeks. It was a shock and I then began worrying what if i was anxious over Christmas, what if i have a relapse with my energy. I had a huge crash 2 weeks ago too, first bad one since August. I then last Tuesday went to my daughters Christmas concert in the church. I had been anxious about it for weeks as it would be my first social event all year, I was scared I wouldn't be able to do it and I'd let her down. I went and stayed the whole hour. I was so proud of myself. I felt tired afterwards but to be expected as I'd felt anxious for days before and during the service. 90 minutes after the concert I started to feel so sick and weak. I woke the next day feeling really fatigued, weak legs and awful nausea. I bounced back Thursday but since i haven't quite felt myself. I always feel tired daily and a bit woozy but since last week I have felt weak in my legs and giddy again walking around the house and too weak to do housework. I cried to my husband yesterday and he said this was stress, and last year I had severe dizziness like the ground moving as I walk around and giddy head but the GP told me it was all stress and anxiety caused last year and hubby thinks it's the same this time as I have been so anxious about Christmas being perfect after the last few Christmases I have been struggling inside due to family intouch wanting to see the kids or family lashing out at me, and last winter being ill at Christmas.
Today is a prime example of how i feel daily but the last week since that concert it feels a bit worse. I feel weak in my thighs as I walk (hubby thinks anxiety), I feel giddy in my head and feel like the floor moves under me as I walk around the house and do cleaning, the last 3 weeks i have had awful nausea daily which is unlike me but again hubby thinks it's stress, tired body and eyes which isn't that severe it's more i just feel body wise weak and drained, just a general yuk feeling and then those occasional bad crashes which bring all the symptoms but more intense. My hubby says there is no point calling the GP as he will say it's just stress again at this time of year and say i am anxious and depressed, and that my thyroid will cause symptoms.
My TSH was at last lower after being on 50mg of thyroxine since September. It was 2.6 and FT4 almost 19, FT3 5.3. All good news and GP said we will check again at the end of January. I felt much better so it was great news. My GP said all my bloods were good too so time to relax and accept anxiety probably also caused a lot of my symptoms and to work on that. I just have health anxiety and worry it's not anxiety causing my physical symptoms, worry the thyroid can't cause any of what i experience either. I worry have I got addisons disease as my sodium was low and I have a red/skin coloured blushing in my cheeks on my face all year which I am told is rosacea but I worry it's addisons type pigmentation. My GP accepted medicheck finger prick bloods for the sodium, can I trust them really? I worry finger prick isn't as accurate. It was also 2 day old bloods as the lab took a while to test it.
Sorry to post I just feel really alone in this. I have to remain strong as I have no support other than my husband and I am a mum to 3 children. They are 14, 12 and 11 and amazing children, I am truly blessed. I no longer socialise and panic if anyone wants to visit me, I have lost every inch of my confidence this last year I had therapy for 18 months and it did wonders back in 2014 after what i went through. In the summer this year I started with a therapist to help me through this anxiety I was experiencing since being ill, at first it really helped me but then one day she turned and said to me 'I don't know why you let yourself become agoraphobic again Julie, you must feel less of a wife and mother'. I broke down crying and since then stopped therapy and beat myself up daily I am a terrible wife and mother for being ill physically and i guess mentally having anxiety. I broke down to hubby yesterday and said I am 37, why has all this happened to me? yet the ones that hurt me are well and happy. Why am I too weak and drained and dizzy walking around the house? what's wrong with me?
Sorry to post, I feel so alone. I worry I will feel ill over Christmas as I haven't felt right since the crash last week and very anxious. What if i crash Christmas day? what if my dizziness is returning? it ruled my life earlier this year it was so bad and my GP said it was panic and stress caused as I passed all balance tests etc.. he was very thorough. He said my latest bloods should provide me with a lot of reassurance but now I am anxious since my crash last week and worried I am going backwards and something is very wrong. I was feeling so much better energy and anxiety wise until the recent crash and anxiety attack. My husband says it's pressure of Christmas and family contact but I can't see it would make me crash and feel poorly again My sister contacted me yesterday, I'd arranged for my mother to see my children Christmas Eve at our house for the morning, limiting it to 2 hours so I don't over do things. I found out my sister was planning on visiting with my mum and this was not what I agreed with my mum. I contacted my sister and told her I had been feeling unwell again so needed a quiet Christmas Eve so I didn't crash the next day and that I wanted my children to have quality time with their grandmother as they hadn't seen her in a month and wouldn't be seeing her over Christmas. My mum is doing a family Christmas which I politely declined attending so I set up this visit to make my mum happy. I told my sister that my husband and children would call down one evening this week to see them and exchange gifts, I explained about my health issues and said I may not be able to come down but the children would with my husband. She replied quite angry and said 'I want to see those children over Christmas Julie, I miss them alot and want to see them!!!!!!!!!!'. I was shocked and replied calmly and said 'I never said you wouldn't see them. I explained about our plans Christmas eve and said hubby would bring the children down to see you and your children one evening this week when's convinient to you. I jsut said you probably wouldn't see me'. She blanked it. My husband said ignore her she is just trying to pick a fight with you like she does every year, you have been reasonable and polite. 3 hours later she messaged me again 'Can i have the boys to sleepover at my house over Christmas?' Now a month ago she went behind my back calling my boys inviting them to sleep at her house, without asking me or my husband first. I polietly messaged her and asked her to not do that because if we had plans and had to say no the children would then be upset at us. I said please in future just ask us first and if we have no plans we can tell them they're invited. She has been angry at me since for saying that to her. Now the thing is I let my sister and a year ago my mother have my boys for sleepovers and both times they betrayed my wishes and had my brother over so he could see them behind my back. Scaring my children in the process as they are scared of him. So that's why sleepovers stopped and we don't allow them to see our children without us present. So last night my husband said 'yes she is after a fight here so just reply saying yes I am sure that will be fine, call her bluff then when I go down this week to drop the presents off i shall explain to her why we don't want the boys sleeping over and maybe I can get her to realise why we do not trust them to not keep my brother away from the boys'. So again it's my sister trying to pick some kind of argument with me, i barely have any contact with her all year, it's just civil on birthdays if she calls up, that's it. She abused me for 2 years after my brother attacked me and told me she was going to make sure i never had a mother or family and she succeeded as my mother left me to suffer with anxiety after the attack and we drifted apart. I handle it well now but this time of year any contact from them turns me into this anxious wreck inside and i dread Christmas because of them Now I have these health worries again too so I feel low and anxious.
Sorry to offload, I just wanted to get out how i am feeling physically to see if anyone can relate. The anxiety stuff maybe I shouldn't have talked about, sorry this got long.