Is it normal to feel like this? Sorry to post again

I promise this is the last time I will post having a moan and seeking reassurance.

I went through a lot of stress 5 years ago. My brother had a psychotic break and he attacked my husband and a year later he lost control again and attacked me. My family hurled abuse at me for making the decision to cut him out and since I've not been part of my extended family (mother and 2 sisters). It led to anxiety and agoraphobia. I am lucky to have a wonderful husband and 3 children, we pulled through it together and I was almost recovered then last summer I had serious fatigue issues. I put it down to me having done some cardio hiit training to lose weight as it's quite hard going. It got worse and worse, my GP suspected a thyroid issue and ran some tests which showed my thyroid was borderline underactive. TSH was 4.9 and T4 about 11. He said he would check me in 6 months and left me to it. I battled on. Then in November last year my son became very low, was being sick before school and having panic attacks all day in school, begging me not to send him etc... it was awful. He was being bullied and in the end he told us he wanted to take his own life. My world fell apart. It was the worst 3 months of my life.

During that awful time my fatigue got much worse, I started suffering from severe dizziness. It was like I was walking on a boat feeling and a little giddy in my eyes. I was having huge energy crashes and couldn't even walk around my house some days, I'd be terrified to walk due to the ground moving feeling as I walked. My GP came to see me 3 times over 3 months as I couldn't leave the house and he diagnosed acute stress and anxiety. He said I'd had another trauma seeing my son so ill and it had caused a breakdown. He said it was all my anxiety returning and i was probably depressed. He ran a lot of bloods and said my thyroid was starting to worsen so we would check it every 8 weeks. In January my TSH was 6.8, March 7.5 and May 9.28 (range 0.27-4.2) and FT4 was between 14 -15 (12-22 range).

He finally in May agreed to treat me and I started 25mg thyroxine. I was still having energy crashes during the spring, say 2 a week, daily I'd feel fatigued and couldn't manage more than light housework and the school run. I'd stopped going out to shops, socialising, everything I'd worked hard to get back in my life since the attack. I just had to accept I was poorly health wise and that was why things had returned anxiety wise. The energy crashes came on if i did a day out with my hubby and kids, or even too much housework. Also any contact from my mother or sister would flare up stress and I'd have a crash from all the anxiety it caused me. To this day if they contact me like now on the build up to Christmas I get extremely anxious and stressed because it's never positive. I remain civil with my mum for my kids sake, I don't really speak to my sisters now, 1 we never talk and the other won't give up and wants to see my children for sleepovers etc.. and if I say no as she lives with my brother, she gets angry and lashes out at me so I keep contact to a minimum.

So things improved energy wise slowly, the crahes lessened to 1 a week and daily I just felt tired and a little woozy. In August I had a huge crash and my GP came out to see me, he said it was a virus or my mood had dipped again. I explained I wasn't poorly and this was an energy crash. HE said he wanted to run some bloods. I put it off for 7 weeks as blood tests terrify me and I'd had enough and was scared of more bad news. In October I decided to do it, he came to the house and took 5 tubes of blood. He tested full blood count, blood film, b12, folate, ferritin, Creatine Kinase, kindey function, U&Es, Liver function, Nuclear antibodies, random blood glucose, HBA1C..... I think that was it lol! All came back good, better than the year before and all that flagged up was my sodium was a little low at 129 (should be 135 at least which it was a year ago) potassium was 3.4, normal is 3.5. GP wasn't worried at all about potassium but wanted to re check my sodium which scared me having another blood test. I was having my thyroid checked with Medicheck that week so I added sodium onto that test and it came back at 138, GP was happy to accept it and told me it was fine.

Since then I felt really good, I started doing a lot more housework, I walk my dog for 10 minutes a day and started doing exposure work for my agoraphobia. i was going to a shop 3 nights a week. I was feeling much stronger and less anxious. Then December hit. 3 weeks ago I had a nasty anxiety attack out of the blue, very physical which isn't like me as my anxiety is more worrying in my head and then some physical symptoms due to the stress of worrying and thinking. So this anxiety attack lasted 28 hours and after that it was simmering low for the next 2 weeks. It was a shock and I then began worrying what if i was anxious over Christmas, what if i have a relapse with my energy. I had a huge crash 2 weeks ago too, first bad one since August. I then last Tuesday went to my daughters Christmas concert in the church. I had been anxious about it for weeks as it would be my first social event all year, I was scared I wouldn't be able to do it and I'd let her down. I went and stayed the whole hour. I was so proud of myself. I felt tired afterwards but to be expected as I'd felt anxious for days before and during the service. 90 minutes after the concert I started to feel so sick and weak. I woke the next day feeling really fatigued, weak legs and awful nausea. I bounced back Thursday but since i haven't quite felt myself. I always feel tired daily and a bit woozy but since last week I have felt weak in my legs and giddy again walking around the house and too weak to do housework. I cried to my husband yesterday and he said this was stress, and last year I had severe dizziness like the ground moving as I walk around and giddy head but the GP told me it was all stress and anxiety caused last year and hubby thinks it's the same this time as I have been so anxious about Christmas being perfect after the last few Christmases I have been struggling inside due to family intouch wanting to see the kids or family lashing out at me, and last winter being ill at Christmas.

Today is a prime example of how i feel daily but the last week since that concert it feels a bit worse. I feel weak in my thighs as I walk (hubby thinks anxiety), I feel giddy in my head and feel like the floor moves under me as I walk around the house and do cleaning, the last 3 weeks i have had awful nausea daily which is unlike me but again hubby thinks it's stress, tired body and eyes which isn't that severe it's more i just feel body wise weak and drained, just a general yuk feeling and then those occasional bad crashes which bring all the symptoms but more intense. My hubby says there is no point calling the GP as he will say it's just stress again at this time of year and say i am anxious and depressed, and that my thyroid will cause symptoms.

My TSH was at last lower after being on 50mg of thyroxine since September. It was 2.6 and FT4 almost 19, FT3 5.3. All good news and GP said we will check again at the end of January. I felt much better so it was great news. My GP said all my bloods were good too so time to relax and accept anxiety probably also caused a lot of my symptoms and to work on that. I just have health anxiety and worry it's not anxiety causing my physical symptoms, worry the thyroid can't cause any of what i experience either. I worry have I got addisons disease as my sodium was low and I have a red/skin coloured blushing in my cheeks on my face all year which I am told is rosacea but I worry it's addisons type pigmentation. My GP accepted medicheck finger prick bloods for the sodium, can I trust them really? I worry finger prick isn't as accurate. It was also 2 day old bloods as the lab took a while to test it.

Sorry to post I just feel really alone in this. I have to remain strong as I have no support other than my husband and I am a mum to 3 children. They are 14, 12 and 11 and amazing children, I am truly blessed. I no longer socialise and panic if anyone wants to visit me, I have lost every inch of my confidence this last year :-( I had therapy for 18 months and it did wonders back in 2014 after what i went through. In the summer this year I started with a therapist to help me through this anxiety I was experiencing since being ill, at first it really helped me but then one day she turned and said to me 'I don't know why you let yourself become agoraphobic again Julie, you must feel less of a wife and mother'. I broke down crying and since then stopped therapy and beat myself up daily I am a terrible wife and mother for being ill physically and i guess mentally having anxiety. I broke down to hubby yesterday and said I am 37, why has all this happened to me? yet the ones that hurt me are well and happy. Why am I too weak and drained and dizzy walking around the house? what's wrong with me? :-(

Sorry to post, I feel so alone. I worry I will feel ill over Christmas as I haven't felt right since the crash last week and very anxious. What if i crash Christmas day? what if my dizziness is returning? it ruled my life earlier this year it was so bad and my GP said it was panic and stress caused as I passed all balance tests etc.. he was very thorough. He said my latest bloods should provide me with a lot of reassurance but now I am anxious since my crash last week and worried I am going backwards and something is very wrong. I was feeling so much better energy and anxiety wise until the recent crash and anxiety attack. My husband says it's pressure of Christmas and family contact but I can't see it would make me crash and feel poorly again :-( My sister contacted me yesterday, I'd arranged for my mother to see my children Christmas Eve at our house for the morning, limiting it to 2 hours so I don't over do things. I found out my sister was planning on visiting with my mum and this was not what I agreed with my mum. I contacted my sister and told her I had been feeling unwell again so needed a quiet Christmas Eve so I didn't crash the next day and that I wanted my children to have quality time with their grandmother as they hadn't seen her in a month and wouldn't be seeing her over Christmas. My mum is doing a family Christmas which I politely declined attending so I set up this visit to make my mum happy. I told my sister that my husband and children would call down one evening this week to see them and exchange gifts, I explained about my health issues and said I may not be able to come down but the children would with my husband. She replied quite angry and said 'I want to see those children over Christmas Julie, I miss them alot and want to see them!!!!!!!!!!'. I was shocked and replied calmly and said 'I never said you wouldn't see them. I explained about our plans Christmas eve and said hubby would bring the children down to see you and your children one evening this week when's convinient to you. I jsut said you probably wouldn't see me'. She blanked it. My husband said ignore her she is just trying to pick a fight with you like she does every year, you have been reasonable and polite. 3 hours later she messaged me again 'Can i have the boys to sleepover at my house over Christmas?' Now a month ago she went behind my back calling my boys inviting them to sleep at her house, without asking me or my husband first. I polietly messaged her and asked her to not do that because if we had plans and had to say no the children would then be upset at us. I said please in future just ask us first and if we have no plans we can tell them they're invited. She has been angry at me since for saying that to her. Now the thing is I let my sister and a year ago my mother have my boys for sleepovers and both times they betrayed my wishes and had my brother over so he could see them behind my back. Scaring my children in the process as they are scared of him. So that's why sleepovers stopped and we don't allow them to see our children without us present. So last night my husband said 'yes she is after a fight here so just reply saying yes I am sure that will be fine, call her bluff then when I go down this week to drop the presents off i shall explain to her why we don't want the boys sleeping over and maybe I can get her to realise why we do not trust them to not keep my brother away from the boys'. So again it's my sister trying to pick some kind of argument with me, i barely have any contact with her all year, it's just civil on birthdays if she calls up, that's it. She abused me for 2 years after my brother attacked me and told me she was going to make sure i never had a mother or family and she succeeded as my mother left me to suffer with anxiety after the attack and we drifted apart. I handle it well now but this time of year any contact from them turns me into this anxious wreck inside and i dread Christmas because of them :-( Now I have these health worries again too so I feel low and anxious.

Sorry to offload, I just wanted to get out how i am feeling physically to see if anyone can relate. The anxiety stuff maybe I shouldn't have talked about, sorry this got long.

Julie

22 Replies

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  • I am very sorry for your personal traumas. It is a pity but sometimes we cannot control things.

    I am sorry most of all that you were put on such a low dose, 25mcg of levothyroxine, and you were on that dose until Sept when it has increased to 50mcg. 50mcg is a starting dose normally, with six weekly increases until you feel much better, not till the TSH is 'somewhere in the range'.

    Make a new appointment for a blood test - it should be the very earliest possible - you have to fast although you can drink water. Also leave 24 hours between your last dose of 50mcg and the test and take it afterwards.

    Our body cannot thrive on too low a dose of thyroid hormones. It runs our whole body's system from head to toe and we cannot feel well if we are on insufficient. the fact that your doctor thinks a TSH of around 2 is fine is wrong. We need our TSH to be around 1 or lower. We need a Free T4 and a Free T3 to be towards the upper part of the range.

    Ask your doctor to please check your Free T4 and Free T3 as 50mcg is too low to provide sufficient T3 (it is the only active hormone required in our billions of receptor cells). At the same time check B12, Vit D, iron, ferritin and folate. The following is a list of clinical symptoms and thyroid hormone replacement is supposed to alleviate them.

    thyroiduk.org.uk/tuk/about_...

    We used to get prescribed hormone replacement around 200 and 400mcg before blood tests were introduced.

    Get a copy with the ranges of your results and post on a new question.

  • Thank you shaws.

    .I've had b12 etc all tested last month and all good. Ferritin could be better as it's only 34 but I've had low ferritin for 12 years. Iron doesn't help much unless it's off the gp and that makes me ill so I supplement a gentle iron.

    My ft4 and ft3 were tested last month. Ft4 was almost 19 (12-22 range) and ft3 was 5.3 (3.8-6.1 range I think.).

    I'm seeing my gp in the new year. We didn't increase the thyroxine this time as I was doing well and happy to stay at 50mg plus my ft4 is pretty good now and I was worried about making myself overactive if I jumped up to 75mg. 50mg brought my tsh down fast from 8 to 2.6 in 9 weeks. So I was concerned an increase could make my hyper and being an anxious person already that concerns me.

    Thank you.

    Julie

  • I can understand being nervous about medications etc especially if sensitive like you are but your TSH could be lower around 1. A small increase might alleviate some of your symptoms which would be helpful to you.

    If you look at the link I gave, you will probaly see quite a few that you still have. Levothyroxine is a hormone and not a medication. Of course it must be in a dose which helps patient feel well.

  • P.S. Your free T3 and T4 are good. :)

  • Thank you. I shall discuss this in January after my next blood test. I can see me needing an increase even if it's a smal one.

    Thank you.

    Julie

  • Hi you really sound like you been to hell and back, having hypo thyroid can definitely cause the symptoms you are having I've been there see my posts. I'M not an expert but there are many on here who can advise you on what you can do to help yourself.I know it's hard when you are feeling like you do.give yourself a break, you are allowed to put yourself first for once and pat yourself on the back for what you have achieved and don't beat yourself up for what your not able to do at moment. Have the sort of Christmas you and your husband and children want never mind what rest of family want , what ever you decide i hope it's a good one xx

  • Thank you so much.

    It's been a rough 5 years and I've lost my lovely grandmother in all of this. It's been hell and although I have anxiety I am happier I walked away from family. I know I did the right thing for sure. I just hate the impact it's had on me anxiety wise. I think having them in my life even just on civil terms is the cause. It's hard when you have kids.

    I shall look for your posts. It reassures me to know I'm not alone but hate to think of anoone else going through this.

    Thanks for your kind reply. Merry Christmas.

    Julie

  • Hi Julie. Sorry you're having such a hard time. I'm fairly new to this forum, so I won't offer advice on your thyroid issues.

    I just want to say that perhaps you might consider using another GP, one who is more sympathetic to mental health issues. As there seems to be a history of mental health problems in your family (your brother and your son), perhaps your anxiety and depression aren't just caused by your thyroid problem but existed before. In which case, perhaps anti-depressants and beta blockers for your anxiety might help.

    Although I am not medically qualified, I have personal experience of depression and anxiety pre-dating my thyroid problem. Good luck!

  • Hi

    My gp is very good. I take medication for anxiety and it has helped me alot the last 4 years. I did have anxiety before but not as severe as this because since the attack I have ptsd. Medication sadly doesn't fix all and I believe therapy and acceptance is the way forward it's just tough. I've tried many medications and they only made me worse or had nasty reactions. I've found one that suits and although right now it's not helping I'd never increase it as I hate taking them lol. Beta blockers I can't take either but it's rare I suffer physical anxiety like a fast heart etc..

    My brother has a personality disorder; clinical depression possible bi polar, ocd... to name a few. I was diagnosed with anxiety at 19 due to an abusive and traumatic childhood. My son is fine now, his was triggered by severe bullying. I guess we all have our triggers and trauma seems to be a big one.

    Thank you for your reply.

    Julie

  • i'm a hashis person - stress is just fab for knocking everything out of the park with hashis so when my normally confident, cheerful, social son went through a VERY bad year (we moved to germany) i felt same as you. what son went through was traumatic for me as well, we had zero support and the 2 of us hung in there for grim. we left after 1 year and 2 years on we are good/ back to norm tho a little wiser... son more than me. there is nothing like watching a kid go through that level of distress (was going to bed sunday nights with a rubbish bin beside his bed in case nausea bubbled over). was almost impossible but i made an effort to stay calm and found yoga - which bored the crap out of me when i was younger - a big help. i try not to increase my dose during bad times but sometimes wonder if that is dumb - so far exercise seems to moderate the shit just enough...

    as someone noted, your dose was very low and that can make things worse rather than better so it would be good if doc gets act together and stops acting like he is prescribing heroin. i wish you a happy, calm family-drama free holiday and that you and yours see in a glorious 2017...

  • Thank you so much.

    I'm so sorry your son also went through struggles. It really is hard seeing your child like that.

    I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

    Julie

  • (((Julie)))

    "What if a tree falls down with us underneath?" said Piglet, "What if it doesn't?" said Pooh, after careful consideration.'

    xxx

  • Thank you so much Rapunzel xx

  • I've been where I think you are and I know how difficult it is. I'm sorry that you're so down at such a difficult time of the year which must have you thinking about your extended family, albeit unconsciously. Sometimes we've fallen into a very deep well by the time our hypo is diagnosed. There are many here who will suggest that you avoid anti depressants but I'm not of their number. I am a shouty vile tempered spitting hell cat without prozac and my family don't deserve that.

    Winter is the time we are most prone to depression and it may be that you need something to alleviate the evidently painful time you're having; sometimes even when optimally medicated the well is so dark and deep you need something else to help you climb out of such steep slippery walls. Please don't beat up on yourself and remember we are here for you :)

  • Thank you so much Rapunzel.

    I am on medication. I take a low dose of Mirtazapine and it certainly helped me when all this began 4 years ago.

    It's more I get anxious this time of year because I have to see my family and I really don't want to. They cause me intense anxiety and spending any time with them causes me intense anxiety inside and a crash in energy the next day.

    I am glad I take the medication, day to day it helps me remain calm and I am so laid back now until my anxiety took a hit this year when I became unwell physically. I have tried many meds, some that landed me in a nasty reaction state so Mirtazapine was our last try, it helps. If i ever came off it I wouldn't try any other meds as I haven't any otheres I can try so I stay on this one.

    Thank you

    Julie x

  • I just want to hug you, Jingyd35. {{hugs}}

    I can't believe your therapist said that to you. But... I'm in the middle of my second lot of counselling (my husband died in the summer and I have a whole load of family issues to deal with) and the lady I'm seeing is absolutely fantastic. I now realise that the first lot of counselling I had several years ago was utter rubbish. Don't know why I was so naive about the fact the some people are born to help others and some just aren't... It was a heartless uncaring and unprofessional thing to say.

    I think the others are right - you'd benefit from more levo. But it's great that your doctor is working with you on that. The other thing that occurs - when Rapunzel mentioned it harder being the winter - what's your Vit D status like? Ever had that tested?

  • Thank you so much.

    I appreciate your kind reply and hug.

    That therapist did more harm than good for sure.

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm gad you've found a therapist now that helps you.

    I had my vitamin d tested in July. I think it was about 72. I can't be ceretain. I should be supplementing it for sure.

    Merry Christmas xx

  • hi Julie just to say please don't give your siblings the power to spoil you and husband and kids Christmas πŸŽ…

    just stick together and enjoy ea h other on Christmas πŸŽ… day u dnt need or owe anyone else anything and certainly not your health! So please don't give them that power of u to make you more anxious. Just enjoy ur hubby n babies sod the rest of them.

    Christmas hugs n kisses πŸ’‹ to u and your hubby n kids xxx

  • Thank you so much.

    I've felt sick and anxious all week. I've woken today and my stomach is churning. It's horrible.

    My husband has said if I can't face visitors he's suggested he takes the children to see my mum and he will just say I'm unwell I not up to visitors. My mum won't accept that. She will just turn up. Sadly. I feel I'm also avoiding anxiety if I do that.

    I've put myself under so much pressure to not be ill or anxious at Christmas it's no wonder I feel so bad 😣

    Thank you for your kind words.

    Julie xxx

  • Julie if u want hubby to take kids to your mum's then do that! If she turns up after he has done that then cross that bridge if n when she does turn up! May be worth just going away somewhere nxt Christmas πŸŽ… with hubby n kids for Christmas period? Little cottage somewhere so you can just enjoy your time together as a family πŸ‘ͺ. Christmas shouldn't be this hard for u all xxx

  • Thank you Speckles

    I get so ill with anxiety every December but for some reason this is the worst and so out of the blue. Well the worst in a couple of years.

    I know I shouldn't let my family do this to me but I do :-( I am also scared that this is hyperthyroidism and my meds have sent me over :-( I need a slap. xxxx

  • dnt b so hard on yourself. But always remember u r the one In control of who u c or not, even tho ur anxiety may not let u c that. Keep reminding yourself if that. As for meds there are many helpful knowledgeable people on here that will be better placed to offer advice on meds. Take care and remember you are in control.

    merry Christmas πŸŽ… to u and your family πŸ‘ͺ xxx

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