Sorry to post again. I appreciated all the advice before Christmas, it helped me so very much and got me through Christmas and the family advice I took on board. I felt poorly over Christmas but I still managed to enjoy it, all the stress had worn me down and I felt drained. I decided to go back to therapy for my anxiety and after 2 sessions I am feeling fairly hopeful.
My issue is I am struggling at 37 to accept this. I have had a difficult life, I know many other people have and I am no exception or a victim. I grew up the eldest of 4 children, a mother with mental health issues (depression and I think something more but never diagnosed), my dad was always either at work or the pub to escape mum, my brother had severe mental health issues from a young age. I grew up fast and was a second mother in the house. My mother was aggressive towards my dad, we were never hidden from it and she would scream infront of us and slap herself with anger and stress. So yes tough childhood. At 19 I developed health anxiety after my grandad died. It came and went in my 20s, I got married at 21 and had my first child at 22. I was happy, glad to be away from all the stress from my childhood but my family being so aggressive and toxic made life tough often. I had anxiety again after I lost a baby when I was about 26. I had severe health anxiety again. I had therapy and it went away. Then 4 years ago my brother had a psychotic break, he was attacking his kids, his mum, my husband and a year later me. I cut him off and was resented by my mother and siblings and since have had very little contact. My grandmother died during this time also and I knew from a young age I'd never cope when she died as she was more of a mother to me and to this day I've never grieved her death because of the attack happening 3 months later.
After the attack I was diagnosed with anxiety, panic disorder and agoraphobia. I was housebound and terrified to leave. During this time my GP ran some tests as I was so very anxious and one was my thyroid. My TSH was 4.9 and Ft4 I think 10.2. I was told they were fine, but to be honest I didn't feel tired or unwell just highly anxious and stressed from the hell I had been through. So the last 3 years I have battled anxiety and about 18 months ago I felt almost over it. I was back out living, doing appointments again and taking my kids on holiday. I overcame my agoraphobia and was happy. I had completely walked away from my siblings and my mother I saw once a month maybe so she could see the children. Then in August 2015 I went to my GP complaining of severe fatigue, I'd feel exhausted all day and had for months. They ran tests and my TSH was 5.35 (0.35-5.5) and my FT4 was 10 something (7-17 range). Again he told me I was fine. That's when I found this forum and had great advice. My GP said he would test again in 6 months as my mother had hypothyroidism.
Well 6 months later my son was being bullied so severely he told me he wanted to die. It was horrific and I was struggling seeing him daily vomiting before school, begging me not to leave him there, he was having severe panic attacks all day school kept saying I had to pick him up as they couldn't support him... it was awful. During this time my mother rejected me again when I was brave enough to ask her for support, silly really as she didn't help me after my brother attacked me. She rejected me and my son and it hurt all over again. My health deteriorated during this time, my energy crashes were so bad I'd be bed ridden, i couldn't walk my legs were so weak and I was terrified to even walk around my house I felt I was walking on a boat or marshmallows. It was terrifying. My GP came to see me, ran bloods and diagnosed stress of seeing my son so ill and coping alone. Bloods all ok.
January 2016 I went private with Blue Horizon and did a home test for thyroid. My TSH was 6.8 (02.7-4.2) FT4 14 ish (12-22). GP diagnosed subclinical hypothyroidism. He agreed to keep a close eye on me. The energy crashes continued, I was so fatigued daily and weak. I could just about get my children to school, tidy round then I'd be on my bed all day. I felt dreadful and during this my anxiety rocketed again. I was terrified of how weak and drained I felt, scared I'd faint and I started going out less and less to the point i ended up housebound other than driving my kids to school.
In March my TSH had gone to 7.5 Ft4 again around 14. GP said he still couldn't treat me and said I had chronic fatigue due to stress. He agreed if the next test it had jumped again he would treat. May test my TSH was 9.28 and Ft4 just under 15. My GP tried to get me to wait another 3 weeks and i said no, I was not willing to put myself through anymore of this just to reach the magic 10 the NHS need. I was crawling around my house, crying, and I had no support. My hubby had a new job, longer hours and I had no family to help me. He agreed and prescribed 25mg thyroxine. I am only small and very sensitive to medication. 8 weeks later the TSH had come down to just under 7 and Ft4 about 16. He wanted to increase to 50mg but I said no, stupid me, i have fear of medication and was too afraid. I started to feel a bit better so wanted to see how i got on. 8 weeks later my TSH had jumped back up to 8 so I agreed to increase to 50mg of levo in September. November my test showed my TSH was 2.6 and Ft4 almost 19, FT3 5.3. GP was happy and said lets give it 3 months, so I am being tested again in a few weeks.
So although my levels are now much better i still daily struggle with fatigue. Is this normal? it's causing me so much anxiety. I spend every day upset, I wake up and feel drained, heavy, weak legs, breathless and exhausted. I get the kids to school and have to rest. I was walking my dog every morning again, doing shops at night with hubby so working on the agoraphobia the ill health had returned but since 4 weeks ago when my anxiety spiked bad again I have felt worse physically again. My hubby says it's been all the stress of Christmas and putting myself under pressure to see family, it made me feel so ill.
My anxiety has been all year since I became ill, I daily add fear to how fatigued and weak I feel. If I feel a crash coming I am terrified and get stressed about anything that could crash me. So if we have to see my mum I get anxious knowing seeing her will land me in bed for a couple of days after. My friend says my crashes are more stress caused as they hit if I get very anxious seeing my family. I agree but daily I have felt so fatigued and weak, my friend doesn't think now my fatigue can be thyroid caused as my levels are the best they've ever been. This worries me more because if that's the case I add fear there must be something much worse wrong than my thyroid. It's why I have anxiety I think, because I worry why I still feel unwell and have I got addisons disease. My GP ran bloods recently, a huge list. Nuclear antibodies, FBC, blood film, b12, ferittin, folate, hba1c, glucose, u&es, kidney and liver function etc... All were fine other than my sodium which was marked low at 129. Potassium was 3.4 so .1 under the minimum 3.5 so GP said it was fine and not to worry, he didn't want to re test it. Glucose was 8.9 but hba1c fine so he wasn't worried. I was doing a thyroid test with Medicheck, the home test so I asked could I add sodium to that and would be accept it, it came back at 138 and he said fine no need to repeat it. Since then though I have worried I have addisons with how daily I feel weak, fatigued, breathless, low bp feeling on standing, my BP has been low all year but GP says it's fine. 100/60 ish. I posted yesterday a photo of my face as I worry that's an addisons rash but hubby says more rosecea or maybe thyroxine has caused the colour in my face. So daily I think I add fear because I have now this addisons worry. I spoke to my friend and she said my potassium is low and glucose high so it's not addisons and why GP hasn't tested for it.
My fatigue had got a little better, I still felt I had to pace myself but I was out able to do a 10 minute walk a day and housework again. Now since the high anxiety in December which has calmed a lot I am back feeling drained, weak thighs all day, fatigued even after a good sleep and heavy all over. It's set me back working on my agoraphobia again because I feel too weak to walk my dog now and go to shops. All day I feel exhausted, and I get upset and cry, I add anxiety to it all day. Other people can just say I have hypothyroidism and carry on but I can't , I feel so weak some days and fatigued that I get anxious just walking around my house. I can't seem to stop the anxiety or health worries and I know this will make me worse. I cried to my husband last week and I said I am struggling to accept this aren't I, at 37 I am struggling to accept I have this health condition and I am upset that just when I overcame everything my family did to me and the attack, this then hit me and I am setback worse than ever with anxiety. I never had agoraphobia or such severe health worries until what my brother did then this illness. I worry I am letting my children and husband down. We don't do days out often, I can't do cinema or restaurants again since I have been ill, everything I got back in my life after the attack left me housebound, I have lost again. I can't even go to my GP he comes to my house if I need him. It doesn't help the therapist I started seeing in the summer to help me through this said she couldn't understand why I let myself become agoraphobic and anxious again and I must feel less of a wife and mother, yes she said that and since I believe it.
I feel I won't ever accept this and will i spend my whole life feeling like this. I have a wonderful husband and children and I want to live a normal life but I feel since being unwell physically my anxiety is worse than ever because I am terrified going out feeling so weak and fatigued, and if i overdo things I crash and end up so weak I can't get out of bed.
My mother visit last week and I had a panic attack when I saw her, she turned up unannounced and wanted a heart to heart. I have never told her how much she has hurt me and rejected me but I let it out, I panicked loads and cried my eyes out. I wish I hadn't but it's out now, she won't change and she wasn't that loving to be honest. She said sorry and that was about it. I crashed for 2 days so bad I was bed ridden over new year and hubby had to even help me walk to the bathroom. It passed after 2 days but since I have felt very tired. Normal? my therapist yesterday said my crashes sound very much stress caused and maybe the daily chronic fatigue is the thyroid.
How can I accept this? how can I daily accept how weak and awful I feel and not fear it? This morning knowing I had to take care of my kids and get them to school was awful I felt so anxious feeling so drained and fatigued. Eyes wise I don't feel too bad but body wise I feel heavy and weak. I feel grim. Adding fear of addisons, fears of how I feel every day jsut makes me feel a million times worse and I have no idea how at 37 to accept this and not fear it. I panic being ill I will collapse, end up in hospital and having agoraphobia they are my fears because right now I'd not cope going into hospital or even to the GP.....hence why my mind fears being ill. My mind runs away with me thinking did I have hypothyroidism, was I right to bully my GP into thyroxine,what if all along it's been something else. What if it is addisons but my friend said if it was then I'd be very ill on levo as you shouldn't take it if you have an adrenal issue.
Sorry for this long ramble, I've been crying and upset since I took my children to school. I so wanted this year to be my year but I don't know how to do this or accept it. I have missed out on most of my thirties and I don't want that anymore. I don't want to get so stressed about my family if I have to see my mother to the point i crash, I don't want to feel I can't go out and enjoy my life but being ill has limited my life so much and now I can;t tell what's my health and what's stress making me so worn down.
Any advice appreciated and if you got this far, well done