I feel like I am fading. I guess I feel like a past trend, you know the kind that is awesome then one day years later someone wonders What ever happened to those shorts called Skidz from the 90’s. I am kinda like that. At 30 I was mysterious. Brand new to anxiety and panic order. Became agoraphobic and did nothing but write songs. When I came out of the house the world adored me. I found myspace. I learned it to be the portal to all things hell related. I ran through women like Genghis Khan ran through villages. They all said the were not this or that…they used to be this or that…in ten minutes…they were this and that. All had the same stories no matter age of walk of life. It was always someone else’s fault. I bought my atheist card and kept on moving. In and out of the dreams of others, I weaved my way into the minds of all that would listen. The anxiety got no better but I continued to work out daily, shop like I was a woman. I had 67 pairs of Jeans. I had them in order of brand. Guess, Banana Republic, Express, Armani, Seven for all Mankind etc. I was the ruler of my own kingdom. I was legend…even if only to me.
Xanax 3 a day steady. It was what was written on the bottle. Some days I cried, others I was fearless. Surviving 3 tours in the middle of the sands made me feel like life owed me something I guess. It didn’t but I did not know it yet. Women called me many names many times. I was smart enough to know there was nothing wrong with me, I just had not met a girl that I wanted to be best friends with and not get tired of. At 33 it all changed. I met my wife. At 38 our first little girl was born, and a few years later, we welcomed their baby sister into the world. Life is different now. It is awesome now. Has been awesome for the last 12 years and growing. I still have anxiety and panic. Lord knows it’s been a hard road. In fact my BP was just 165/130 due to a panic attack out of nowhere. I still struggle with it. Paxil, welbutrin, klonopin, celexa, latuda, the list goes on….they all helped here and there. I am now over a month medication free. I don’t do any breathing exercises. I run twice a day though and a few other things. Cruise, Travolta…I used to laugh at them…now that I am getting better without the meds…I am not laughing anymore. If me now…at 45 could talk to the 30 years old me…I would explain that it all gets better in time. Moments of time…windows of time.
I don't look happy in the pic anyway