I don't have any motivation to fight this anymore

Sorry about the rant, but I need to get this out of my system...

It's been over 5 years of fighting these horrible anxiety issues, two different therapists, lots of benzos, lots of crying, curling into a ball in bed, fights with people who never understood how I felt and I'm just so tired. I'm only 20 and I have just completely lost all will to fight this. All I can do now is just sleep at least 10 hours every night and watch movies and shows to feel human again and laugh at least for a little while. I only go out at night, by myself, and walk around hunting Pokemon because I like that there's no people outside and I can just be myself and do whatever the hell I want. But only at night do I feel confident enough to go anywhere. All day long I am housebound, with absolutely no will to go outside or do anything. The sunlight bothers me so much, my vision is so blurry most of the day and I just get panic attack after panic attack which all settles as the sun goes down to some extent. Above all - I just feel so alone. I am hiding my illnesses, my feelings and my pain from my whole family because whenever I tried reaching out, they didn't understand. They help me as much as they can, but certainly not for free, and the price is they get to humiliate me and call me names, all a joke for them but not for me, because they don't understand. My friends understand to some extent, but they can't help and I can't see them often any way as most of them are just a long distance away from me. I don't have any support, I am lonely, and I feel I've nothing to live for anymore, as everything I used to love is simply not enjoyable to me anymore and I feel like I've lost my purpose completely. And everything is such a chore to do, even getting out of bed sometimes feels like the worst thing in the world. I feel like such a burden to everyone that I love and like they'd be better off without me.

20 Replies

  • Hi I definitely know how you feel. My anxiety and mild depression hit me like that about a month ago and it has me now fighting to be myself again. I have very low energy I get fatigue faster than I use to. I don't desire to do the things I use to do. I'm not happy. I'm heartbroken and frustrated because I feel so different. I feel detached from reality. Lately I've even stop working for one became of my syptoms of lightheaded Ness and dizziness but also because I lost so much weight in a short time I'm afraid of what people will say to me at my job. I'm embarrassed to go out because I know people who have not seen me in a few months will look at me and say I'm sick. I do get support from my mom and my daughters dad is a big help so I don't be home by myself but it's still a vicious cycle of racing thoughts and I can't relax or stay calm enough to get any rest. I'm barely getting 3 hours a night.

  • I sleep a lot, but I also wake up during my sleep and sometimes I wake up with panic or start panicking directly before falling asleep, it's like my body telling me not to sleep because it's too dangerous... and whenever my family is around I get even more anxiety because they don't know how bad I am, and I try to avoid telling them so their very presence sometimes gives me horrible panic attacks. I just want to feel like myself again, like I did before... :(

  • Well its opposite for me. I have to have people around me for me to feel somewhat at ease. Only thing I try not to do is go through my moments too much in front of daughters cause I don't want it to effect them.

  • I can understand that too, and honestly, I would much rather be surrounded by other people if only they understood me and supported me rather than be on my own like I have to be now! :/

  • I can imagine how that would make it worse for me. Definitely try to reach out to more people or some one you truly feel will atleast not judge you and just support. One thing I know. Ever since I found this site 3 days ago it has given me a lot more ease. I stay on here and I think it also helped me to stay off Google so much trying to find new things wrong with me. But I'm here if you want someone to constantly chat with and go through our symptoms together with

  • Thank you x and for me it's been exactly the same, I'm new here but it's so nice to feel like I belong somewhere

  • Yes I agree when I saw I wasn't going through this alone it was a little weight lifting off my shoulder

  • I don't know if it helps but I feel very similar. I am around people yet feel completely alone, I don't even bother to explain. Although I did open up to one person and it was then used against me, so I regret even bothering. Sleep used to be the only place I could relax, but recently anxiety has took that too. It sucks so bad, but it's slightly reassuring to know what somewhere, someplace there is somebody feeling the same. You will find the solution one day just try to keep some positiveness x

  • Thank you, and I'm sorry you have to endure this horrible thing yourself as well. x We will get better some day, I just don't know when or how it's going to happen

  • I hope so I really do! I seem to go through stages, do you? right now I'm struggling hard like you are

  • Yes, definitely! And I don't understand why! Like usually I'm under so much more stress, right now I'm on summer break, I'm not even doing anything yet I'm so anxious I can barely even get out of bed, while usually I am juggling so many things at once and I'm just kinda stressed out but okay? I am so done with this stupid illness like seriously

  • Sending you lots of love and a big hug,your a smart girl😀I've seen how you've helped other people on here. Keep going, as you know some days are better than others😁Wish I could make it alright for you😏 it's a good place to be on here when you need to off load x

  • Thank you so much I appreciate that xx I wish I could make it disappear for all of us here, every single one of us deserves to be happy and feel normal again, best of luck and bless you

  • Yeah know exactly what you mean, I suppose when we are not busy we have more time to dwell and make ourselves anxious :-/

  • Go out pokemon hunting during the day try a little bit of time at a time as my husband has social anxiety and that game tbh has got him out during the day as he has something to concentrate on which is good...try an app called stop panic and anxiety attacks it has audios on it that may help u relax and if u can in a morning do 10 mins of yoga it's good for a lot of things and can calm u down

  • Thank you for the advice xx

  • No problem hope u find something that helps u

  • Now come on Sweetlolly I chatted to you earlier this week You have to start thinking of you and your happiness

    You can do this if you take baby steps get out of your bed and stay out as long as you can go back try again Bit by bit you can do it

    How can your family make jokes and call you names It makes me want to cry to read that

    You have the right to be happy

    You take good care get that confidence back slowly but surely

    Please get help for this no one should be suffering like you are

    Love and hugs to you

    You can do this xx

  • thanks a bunch x

  • Stay strong you will get through this xx

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