Suffering and feeling trapped

[Hopestar3]

Hi-I'm really struggling with anxiety and depression. I've been going in downspirals basically once a month or so. This time I was in bed for a week. My stress is through the roof. I'm a teacher and it's so much stress and pressure I can't take it. I'm in Year 10 and my admin and a few other teachers have treated me terribly for missing so much work. They know about my mental health struggles. I can't trust many people. I just moved and my house is in disarray. My daughter might have ADHD and has been getting in trouble at school. I can't stop the up and down. I have a psychiatrist and a therapist, I'm on Lamictal as a mood stabilizer and switched to Prozac from Lexapro. I just had increased my Prozac dose. I returned to school today, was forced into an HR meeting and told that if I'm back, and released by my psychiatrist to work again, I need to be on my "A" game immediately. And then right after found out my co-workers told my principal I'm underperforming behind my back. And it's like a slap in the face. I wish they would've come to me first. I thought we were friends too.

I was crying and hysterical tonight and I don't even know what I'm saying when I talk to people I'm close with. It's just a stream of anxious and horrible thoughts. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like everytime I have a panic attack or emotional meltdown I'm so devastated I want to die. I don't want to kill myself or have any plans. But if I feel like I want to die many times during the day, am I in crisis? I'm not sure if I should be hospitalized. But I feel trapped in my job and I have to make a living, but I am unraveling. The pressure and guilt are just a vicious cycle. I feel like I have to be well now and perform at work and I have to pretend I'm ok. I love my students but it's too hard.

I have parents that could support me if I took a medical leave. But I feel to guilty doing that to my parents in their late 70's. My husband is very supportive emotionally but He can't financially support us if I go on disability.

I don't know what to do. But going back to school today was worse than I ever imagined. I'm terrified of being there and yet being without work terrifies me just as much. I am lucky with all I have, my husband and daughter and family and friends. I used to be happy as a teacher. I feel like a failure for not being able to manage my mental health like I used to be able to do.

Any kind words or advice would really help me feel less alone in my terrifying mind. Thanks for reading this.

[Cookie2217]

You are being sick shamed. I used to be a state worker and was frequently targeted because I suffer from major depressive disorder but my job never knew because I felt they would hold it against me. I needed to take days off work due to my mental issues and then they started requiring me to bring a note in each and every time I was out. I also have asthma and blamed it on that most of the time. I was targeted at work and spoken to periodically about my problematic absenteeism. I used to be on FMLA and should have continued to be there if so I'd still have my job. My job was very stressful and I was overworked and underpaid but because I'm over 50 and close to retirement they want to be out and found every way to make it possible. I wound up signing February 2023 years shy of my full retirement age. The turnover rate at my job is phenomenal and if you dropped it on the floor they would just step over and put another body in your seat. The state even tried not to pay me unemployment but they lost and I was allowed to collect however unemployment ended and there wasn't an extension and I needed to take money out of my deferred compensation to live and pay my bills. Losing my employment ultimately made me lose my house I couldn't afford it and now I live with my sister and her basement. It's been a rough year that's brought me to my knees but I'm thankful to have a roof over my head.

[Hopestar3 in reply to Cookie2217]

Hi, thanks for your reply. I'm so sorry you had to go through sick shaming. I agree it's happening to me too and I can empathize with how awful it feels. It's not your fault and it's hard for me to remember that too. I know you can get back on your feet. I'm happy you have your sister. Take care

[Cookie2217]

If they keep going after you I would get my union representative involved you can go on FMLA leave if you need to maybe look into that good luck with everything.

[Hopestar3 in reply to Cookie2217]

Hi thanks for replying. I definately talking to my rep and our union president for advice on how to deal. Probably medical leave soon

[MarcoPolo35]

I'm no expert but getting help from your parents during your time of need should not bother you. I know my family would do whatever they could to help me. Maybe it's time to step back and take care of your mental health.

[Hopestar3 in reply to MarcoPolo35]

Thanks for your reply. I'm trying to start letting go of the guilt. I'm moving forward with medical leave.

[Hidden]

Hope star

I read your post twice and in my humble opinion, you need to do something to take care of yourself right away .

whether that’s a hospital trip or whatever that might be.

All the different mitigating factors that you mentioned are of course extremely important but what good are you gonna be to yourself, your students, and your family if you can’t function.

I ve been there where I wasn’t sure what I was saying. Freaky as hell

Maybe think hard about what you can do to get your symptoms in line, then go about doing your very best accomplish those goals, and then go back to doing the very best you can to be a viable member of society,

I said in a post to another teacher .

Teachers are heroes, they truly are. Teacher that teach with mental health challenges are superheroes! No doubt about it.

Much love

Craig

[Hopestar3 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for your heartfelt words. I am going on medical leave soon. I think its the best thing right now.

[Hidden in reply to Hopestar3]

Sounds good. Praying peace , blessings and better health

[Drowning]

That's great you made a decision to take medical leave. That's a big relief to have made a decision I bet. Now that you're admitting there's a problem take the ball and run with it staying active in your recovery. Make your number one priority your health and healing. I suggest a proper medical work up and follow up with different in/out patient options in your area. I don't want to see you fall down a dark hole which can't be escaped from so easily. God bless you and everyone reading.