What's Wrong With Me?!

Why do I always feel like nothing makes me happy anymore? What is wrong with me? I've been on Prozac for a few months, yet I still feel nothing. I would gladly take my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm addicted to thinking about hurting myself. I never think that life is worth living. I've already been diagnosed with depression, but I'm starting to think it's not just regular depression. Maybe major depressive disorder? I'm not sure. I go to my therapist every couple weeks, yet I still feel like it's taking forever for me to stop thinking about suicide. Idk how to tell her I want to up my mg on Prozac, so how in the world do I ? I just want to get better, but it's like my brain is stopping me from doing so. I've gotten so paranoid about thinking people are going to come into my house and kill me, or rape me. My mom says it's just my imagination going wild. I don't feel that way. I feel absolutely paranoid. I can't go to a mental hospital bc I don't want that on my record. Idk what to do anymore.

20 Replies

  • you have been told several times to go see your doctor for the help you need. Why you keep refusing to do just that is beyond me but it is your life.

    I have MDD, and I haven't had any dealings with depression for over 3 months. I don't have a therapist since I.have nothing to let out or deal with, but I make certain to see my psychiatrist at least once a month. Sometimes more if an issue comes up. the second i sense any symptom resurfacing, i run to the psychiatrist and demand something be done to fix it. I live my life without symptoms and fortunately without side effects so far.

    I am not sure why you refuse to go get yourself help but continue to post about it being bad for you time after time. Social media does not take the place of a doctor, even in the case of mental illness. You have to fight for the life you want if you really want it.

  • I'm not refusing to get help. I have to wait until my next appt. I believe it's in another week or so. I can't just run to the therapist as easily as that. My mom is tight on cash rn, and can't send me as much as I'd like her to. When I see the therapist, I only have 50mins to tell her everything that's happened in a couple weeks. I'm not refusing. I just have a "long" waiting time. Or at least it's long to me.

  • How long have you been seeing a therapist?

    it is my belief that the visit to a psychiatrist ought to come first and then he can suggest therapy if needed. But since you already see a therapist, will you say it has benefited you in all the time you have been attending?

  • I've been seeing her for ab 3 months. Yes I feel a bit better, but not that much. I still feel suicidal every day.

  • I am guessing the therapy visits aren't free. can't your mum maybe put a hold on therapy so you can get on treatment plan to at least get your mind to a steady state first?

    3 months and not much has changed. Does your mother know you still have thoughts of harming yourself?

  • I'm afraid to tell her. I felt ashamed mentioning how I was feeling when I felt suicidal the first time, so I'm afraid to mention it again. She knows I'm struggling, and she knows I want to die. She just doesn't know how much I want to die and how suicidal I am.

  • I was in my own funk and didn't realize how badly my daughter was suffering. Now we are each other's biggest supports. I struggled as a teenager but in the 80's mental health issues were taboo and people didn't think that children or adolescents could be depressed. I wasn't diagnosed with depression until I was in my 20's. There is just so much help and support out there for you and your mother. I am sure that she feels lost, she doesn't know how to help you or what you need. My parents are so supportive now. My teenage niece was a cutter and because I paved the way, she was able to receive the treatment that she needed and deserved. When they didn't understand, they came to me. They reached out. I know that they would have been there for me then if we had only known that my mood was not a phase or teenage angst. You and your mom can learn together. There are support groups for friends and family members of people who suffer from a mental illness. I don't know how old you are, but maybe going to your school counselor would help. They often know of free services or those that charge on a sliding scale based on income. I wish I could just hug you. You found this site so I know that you want help. You will find it. It is out there waiting for you with open arms.

  • She's reaching out for some comfort. There's no fast fix to depression but maybe just maybe a kind word from people suffering from the same horrible pain could help. Years of seeing a physc dr doesn't always help so a visit one time and only three months on meds is not a cure all. We hear enough from people who don't understand or believe depression is real. This should be a safe place for us. Advice is awesome but telling someone they don't want to live because they are not trying is wrong. Depression is bad enough you don't have to remind us how much we don't want to live.

  • Thank god someone understands . I do want some comfort from others bc I feel like I don't get much on a daily basis.

  • Shame is what depression uses to keep us from seeing help. Think for a minute! If you logged off the internet now and walked straight to tell your mother that you are still struggling, what do you think will happen? What are you afraid of? Do you think.she will suddenly stop seeing you as her child? Do you think she.will loose all love for you? Are you afraid your home and house will be destroyed? Are you afraid your mum will tell her friends and then everyone will think you a freak? what are you afraid/ashamed of?

    it is not your fault that your brain is wired differently; i mean.you had no choice in that so why are you acting as if you are to blame? Why are you ashamed of what you didn't make happen?

    please stop delaying your treatment and tell your mother the truth. I don't remember what country you are in but it may do you good to go back to the ER and this time, shed all shame and make the decision to get better. Being suicidal is nothing cool nor is it a fad.

  • I don't want to go to the ER. I'm too scared of that. I don't want ppl hooking me up to a bunch of machines pumping a bunch of meds into me just bc I want to die. That scares me way too much. I can't see myself in that situation. I would most likely get worse if that happened. It would be freaky. I can't go to the ER.

  • Where did you get the idea that when you go to the ER to report that you are suicidal and depressed, you would get hooked on to machines and pumped full of medication?🤔

  • My mom has told me that's what will happen to me.

  • Your mom might be a little misinformed. But, a lot of folks are. That's why mental health is still stigmatized. I'm a little late to the conversation, but I hope you are doing a little better now. I hope that maybe you decided to seek further help as well. Sometimes we can't control our thoughts, and there is no shame in that. Most people can't. Just remember, depression is not you. You are a human who deserves happiness and comfort. Sometimes, we need extra help, as embarrassing as it may be.

  • I'm not doing so well even now. I have a new post if you'd like to look at it

  • I totally understand about not being able to get the help you need. My medical insurance does not cover mental health. When I first started having anxiety and depression I saw my primary Dr 5 times, plus a psychiatrist, and 2 psychologists. All together it cost me 1,500. Which that in itself was a big stressor for me. To make matters worse I didn't feel like any of it helped. Come to find out my primary Dr does not believe in mental health. This has left me afraid to try the dr approach any further. I've found sites like this for support, and have tried reaching out to family and friends.

  • I'm so sorry that happened to you. I honestly can't stand doctors that say "mental health doesn't matter/isn't real" bc it's SO REAL! It aggravates me so badly. Hopefully you can find another doctor that understands you.

  • If you go to the ER, you will get the help you need. They will give you a psych evaluation and recommend the appropriate treatment. You can think about suicide and dying but not be suicidal. You may benefit from a PHP (partial hospitalization program). You receive therapy every day and learn how to cope with your depression and anxiety in productive ways. You may need a different meds. You would see a psychiatrist weekly so your progress is always being monitored. I have MDD (recurrent), ADHD (combined) and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). A lot of stressors hit me all at once and I didn't even realize that I had basically been living in a constant state of panic for 6 months. I was medicated...I was coping; just poorly. My daughter was in a PHP program and when I went in for our family session I decided that I would get an assessment. I started an IOP program the next day. My meds weren't changed but my dosages were increased and the times that I take my meds have changed. I gained so much. I had such a wonderful support system. You just have to be honest with yourself....completely honest and you will know what is best. Then take it one day at a time; if that is too much, take it minute by minute. Be present in the now. Be mindful.

  • How did you pay the ER bill? Or did your insurance cover it?

  • I understand your apprehension about a "mental hospital" in a way however mental health is real. And depression is a real disease. My ex-husband tried to use my depression against me to get custody of our children...it didn't happen. Seeking treatment is the best option. Since my daughter went through her program and has been on Zoloft, she is a different kid. She hasn't hurt herself, she doesn't just lock herself away anymore, she laughs and jokes AND she communicates how she feels. There is so much less stigma and judgment regarding mental health now. Please, don't let what others MIGHT think prevent you from getting the right help that you need so that you can live a "normal" life. My diagnoses do not define me. Some people need to take a sick day; my daughter and I sometimes need a mental health day. Physically sick/mentally sick...doesn't matter. Not well is not well. Period.

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