I feel so selfish. My MOM is the one who needs her aortic valve replaced, not me. But here I am, terrified of the upcoming surgery. Terrified of how terrified I'll be. Why can't I reframe my thinking? Why can't I look at this as this will save her?!
Quick background: I'm 47, female, never married, no kids. My Mom is my life. We live together and help one another. It's been this way for many years. I never really "left home," although I did live across the country in a dorm at a large university for a semester.
Other than that and staying at ex boyfriend's homes, taking a few vacations, etc, we've really never been apart. I'm not complaining about this. This is where I'm meant to be. I felt a lot of feelings about leaving her - anxiety, guilt, loneliness. I also didn't want to miss out on my relationship and friendship with her (I truly enjoy her company - she's my best friend). Now she needs me more than ever and I feel like I won't make it. I'm feeling incapable of most things lately so THIS seems almost impossible.
Mom's 82. And her heart needs help. She needs to have TAVR surgery. It's not open heart but it's serious. Just trying to picture the day of makes my heart sink. My stress and anxiety are getting really out of control. My legs feel like jelly and I feel like I'm going to pass out. I take Valium and Zoloft and I take extra Valium sometimes (not often) and it doesn't do anything when I'm in these states of extreme stress.
Being at the hospital is complete torture for me. I can't breathe well because of anxiety and because I'm a germaphobe. I'm afraid I'll get so anxious and worried about how SHE is that I'LL end up in the ER and not be there for her when she needs me (fear of fear). I also want to flee or pace. I've been in hospital waiting rooms before and everyone always appears distracted by TV or phones or books. No one is sitting there doing breathing exercises or acting incredibly anxious.
The other problem is I don't have much support. I have an older brother but he's not emotionally supportive. I take on all the responsibility when it comes to our Mom. I'm sure he'll be there on the day of the surgery but I need someone to hold me up. I need more help. This is when I have some regrets about my life. But I never met the right man.
OMFG it's just all too much. I just want her to live and be healthy and happy. But the selfish part of me doesn't want to go through this. My Dad just died last year and it was an excruciating death in the hospital. I wasn't there enough for him and the guilt consumes me. So does the pain.
To sum up, I'm feeling pretty fucking incapable. I feel like a wreck. A loser. A child. A failure. A selfish jerk. A mental case.
Can anyone give me tips on how to prepare for this? How will I make it through? How can I become stronger for my Mom and not constantly be held hostage by my debilitating anxiety?
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Figgins42
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Thank you so much. Yes I'm involved in all aspects of the surgery and I take her to every appointment. I guess you could say I'm her primary caregiver. It doesn't help that I have no one to lean on when I'm weak. But I will look into the heart forum on HU. Thank you again for your kindness and support.
Thank you for asking. It's very kind. She survived and so did I.
However, a few weeks post-op, she was back in the hospital with severe atrial fibrillation. She then needed another procedure and was hospitalized to be started on a strong medicine .
She's still on the med and I think it makes her very tired. She's recovering but at a very slow pace. Plus the post care (getting her in to appointmentsn to see actual doctors) has been less than.
They all painted this like it's this miracle surgery but she's not having the best time.
Im so thankful for people like you, Dolphin, who check in. Please, if you pray, send a couple for my Mom, Janet.
I'm sorry your mom has had the post op complications. I was beside my brother all the way through his post heart attack journey. It was a bumpy road but he made it. One thing the surgeon kept saying is the heart " doesn't like to be touched" it's going to react and that's when you get the afib etc
This is a difficult time for you both. Her body has been through so much. I will be thinking of her
You are dealing with so much . Please try and take time for yourself. I like to suggest a brief amount of time in the morning just to sit in peace. It's a great way to start your day
Are you the only caregiver?
Please reach out for support, I understand what this entails.
I'm thinking of you both and I don't do traditional praying but I have my own way to hold people in my thoughts and ask for healing. I'm doing this for you both
It’s perfectly normal to get upset and scared when a parent is having a health crisis. I think it’s likely that most people do. A few years ago my mother died of cancer, and that was like a grenade exploding into our family. Now, a few years later, I feel frantic at the thought of losing my father.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. How do you mean it was like a grenade exploding? Do you mean between family members or for you emotionally or maybe a combination of a lot of factors?I know exactly what you mean about feeling frantic about losing your dad. I think losing one parent makes you more anxious about losing the other one.
Do everything you can to help him while he's here. Love him as much as you can. I have so many regrets about my dad and that guilt and fear creeps in when I think about my mom and this whole surgery ordeal.
Stay strong because you are strong and I'm here if you want to talk.
I feel so keenly your pain. I am 38 and been close to both my parents most of my life. Even though I’ve spent some time living apart from them, I still find myself staying with them for extended periods.
Ever since my mother found out she had a heart condition, she’s has a couple surgeries and that freaked me out. I love my father but my mother has been my closest confidant and the most significant person in my life. So the prospect of losing her is still something that I barely will emotionally touch with a ten-foot pole. So how you are feeling feels normal and I empathize completely with you.
You aren’t a loser or a child or incapable. Your father, your mother, these people were and are people you love and so losing them, is losing your world in many ways.
What I tell myself is that despite my own fear and anxiety, my mother is here. I want to make every moment I can share with her something worth while. But at the same time, I want to lay down some groundwork for myself to be able to have something in place for when that time inevitably comes, I won’t find myself free-falling for too long. Far too easy to say…Much harder to put into practice.
I’ve started to really work on my own relationship with my brothers, which for my older, it’s been harder since we’ve been estranged for so long. But my younger brother, we’ve definitely come a long way in the past few years.
I am also working on myself becoming more confident in developing a life outside of my folks. I am still in pretty early stages of that and it scared the shit out of me…but I think it’s so necessary. I love my parents and they’ve been a central part of my life for so very long, I cannot imagine a world with out them. And yet I must.
So my core advice is this:
- Cherish the time you still have with your mother. Spend it in such a way that you won’t have any regrets looking back on it.
- Start looking around at old relationships (like your brother) or friendships that perhaps have waned over time and try to rebuild some ties with those people.
- Put yourself out there again, begin looking for new friendships! New hobbies are a possible direction to investigate.
- Take inventory of your self, kindly identify and accept aspects about yourself that you’d like to improve and work on those things. (example: A thing I know I need to work on for myself is to work on is to stop shying away from commitments/cease procrastinating so much.)
To work on yourself, to strengthen yourself will also have a positive effect on your mother too. I am sure she will be happy to see her daughter, her best friend - working on a future that will extend beyond her own time. Every parent wants that for their children. So the greatest gift you can give your mother to the assurance that you will be ok. And you will be ok!
Communicate with your brother more, he might be resistant because he might not want to be in touch with his feelings about this situation until things “get dire”, but I am sure deep down he feels a similar dread. I do not know his situation, but if he has his own family, that does provide an amount of buffer and distraction from these emotions - but they still exist.
Of course take any of this with a grain of salt, these are just my own rambling thoughts. I truly hope your mother’s procedure is successful and she will be on the mend.
My PMs are always open too if you need an extra ear.
One thing about adulthood that nobody prepared you for is how to deal with our parents getting older 😔
I'm the baby in my family. I'm the caregiver to my mom as well. I had an older brother who died in 2012. I have 2 older sisters. One lives in another state and the other who knows. But she's emotionally unstable and unavailable. So it falls to me and my partner.
I'm lucky that I have my partner because it would be very difficult.
The most difficult time was when my mom suffered a very bad UTI and her blood oxygen levels dropped to around the 70s. I literally saved her life by calling EMS. While she was in the hospital. My mother in law passed away. Sadly I could not attend the funeral because it was in another state so my partner went without me. Plus I was very deep into my anxiety. While my mom was in the hospital, she suffered a mini stroke. I was made of nerves. I lost so much weight. Because I was afraid that I was going to get "the call". I didn't go see her in the hospital because I'm terrified of hospitals.
I don't know exactly when that started. I wasn't always like this. But seems when 4yrs ago when my anxiety came back, it came back stronger than before. New things I started to fear like hospitals.
I felt very guilty in not seeing my mom. But my mom reassured me that it was okay. Plus she said to me she worried of me catching COVID. That it was okay. To ease my guilt I sent flowers to her room.
That was about a year ago. She is now home and doing well. So am I. I moved out of the house. And into my own. I'm getting better about with my anxiety.
It's perfectly normal to be worried about your mom. Heart surgery can be scary. My sister under went it a couple of years ago for a bypass. I guess you feel the same way about hospital as I do. That once there you're trapped and you can't leave your post. But anxiety likes to lie. You can get up and leave. Also even if you had a panic attack at the hospital, it's kind of the best place for it. You can get oxygen and medicine to help calm you down. But chances are you'll just need the oxygen and you'll be right as rain. Panic attacks don't last very long.
I find when I get nervous to ease it is to make conversation with people. Like the nurses you can chat with. Ask how many years they worked there etc. sometimes when I feel like I need to escape. I tell myself how long can I tough it out and for like 10mins. Once those 10 mins are up...I then ask myself "hey you're still here and nothing terrible has happened to you. Let's try again but a little longer this time." You'll be surprised for fast time can fly when you decide to people watch or create a lil game to pass the time like how many people wear red while stuck in the waiting room. And cruised around the gift shop
I also think you should look into counseling. We all need a little help sometimes. Counseling doesn't mean you have to see them forever. Or that something is deeply wrong with you. You just need a little extra support during this difficult time for you.
I wish your mom a speedy recovery ❤️ and you support during this time 🫂❤️
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Mental health is not always a simple choice 
I’m 20 and just had a baby and my boyfriend makes me feel like a bad mother
