I think i have a phobia of my mom

[Against_the_current]

I'm terrified of her being depressed or not okay or mad. I had to call her for something and i got so anxious. It was just for a few second, she said "im in hurry, i have a queue of clients" and im worried about her getting depressed or dodging me. I have this obssesive fear of her hurting. She gets vicious when she's hurting. Not vicious like pure evil but rather in a ruin your psyche way. Manipulate, victim actim, anger drive, guilt building. Why should i be destroyed because she doesn't like her job and dad left? Nobody in Bulgaria likes their job or has a faithful husband but she's so deep in her victim mindset that she gets vegentful and destructive and then blames you for being anxious or for not liking her.I hope im just imagining things based on my past trauma. It was a less than a minute talk after all. My therapist said I search for evidence for my fears to be True. I think "she doesn't want to talk and has a lot of work therefore she will get in her depressed toxic mode and destroy me and sis". That's why i want to escape so much and have my own life so much and get a job. As a kid i depended on her and her moods were the death of me. I need to escape. I'm scared. I have a phobia of my own mom 😭

[SoporRose]

That makes sense. Getting away will help, but I will tell you what my therapist told me some time ago: you still have the hard labour of healing. We takes ourselves with us wherever we go. I'm not saying you shouldn't leave — you should probably go as far away as you can — but it won't take away the damage like. magic. I hope leaving might give you the space and calm to heal, though.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thanks. That's what i do but i can't escape her, can't block her and her side of the family and avoid them at all costs. So i gotta deal with it. But i can't stay there. Writing this i have obssesive fear granma d1ed because i wasn't able to talk to her because i was stressed

[Brooklyn99]

I am really sorry that you feel that way. I don't feel it's phobia per se. I think it's more of a trauma response. Talking to your mom is a trigger for you and your emotions go in overdrive to protect you. I would suggest avoid putting labels on how you feel. It can make us feel worse. You have gone through a lot and it is totally valid for you to feel this way. It wasn't just your mother's husband who left, it was also your father who left. Maybe, talking to your mom triggers your stress response because a lot of negative memories are associated with her. This is something that can be worked out in therapy. It's okay. You got this. Sending love.

[Against_the_current in reply to Brooklyn99]

You're so right. I just couldn't put it in words. I'm crying reading this it's so True. I can't explain to her i have a trauma. She dissmissed my suffering. As you say it's not only her husband but my dad as well. And her abusive behaviour (past, present, or in my head) triggers me. Just her calling or texting triggers me.

[Brooklyn99 in reply to Against_the_current]

You have been a really strong person till now and it is amazing. It's okay to be vulnerable for sometime. I am sure things will get better. Take care💜

[Against_the_current in reply to Brooklyn99]

Aww, thank you! I really have been through a lot 😭❤️