I am really tired of everything. My trauma is frying my brain. I have therapy and take meds and try everything. But i can't. I'm really tired. Plus Spring tiredness, university, project, exams, my project, staying till late. I went to sleep today when i finished the conference and my family remembered me and paniced me, still trying to calm mom back and she isn't responding, i'm worried. And couldn't talk more with dad just him making himself look like he cares about me in front of grandpa. I'm so triggered and worried that mom isn't picking the phone and i'm just waking up and my roommate and her friend arrived and started playing music that is sensory overloading me and reminding me of a trauma i have. I want to scream to them, to the world "slow down, i can't no more, i can't 😭" and her friend asked me what's up and i told her honestly i'm not okay, i'm worried about mom and she said im selfish. And i told her i'm not taking care of myself because i needed to help someone and she said im not selfish enough. And about mom that humans do blah blah and i said "u haven't studied this and believe me it will mess u up more" and she was like "u don't know what i have studied". She hasn't. I asked how's she to not seem so rude and she's studying sth else. And i. She isn't my problem at all. I have worse. I don't understand how ppl can be annoyed at me for my mental illness but not understand im ill and go easier on me.
Edit : I called mom, i feel like crying. I'm worried about them. Sis isn't going to school again. She's always feeling unwell and mom and i worry it's from anxiety. I worry whether her mental health is bad because i'm gone or because all of the bullshit, dad bringing her to the baby, what mom's doing when i'm gone. But at the same time i can't go to them because i have exams here and because i'm unstable myself and probably will make her worse and won't be able to take it If something is happening there. I feel so bad for being here. What if they miss me and do stupid thing? What will i find when i go back? I can't handle it. But nothing happens when i can't handle it i just keep on struggling, living on critical, and nobody is slowing down. I'm going insane. And i have been going insane since 2020. What is going on when i'm gone? Is my sister getting mentally ill? She doesn't want to go to a therapist. Is mom behaving bad to her or getting a boyfriend or something? Do they miss me? But could i handle it to be there? Just by calling them i want to cry. I am going insane. I need help and all i get is judge ment(when we don't count the online help) . Now i'm alone again and they're gone, just messed me then, alone with my thoughts.
My Mom needs heart surgery & I'm a terrified, 47 yr old baby
