Litterary. Yesterday i found out the guy i was messaging for emotional support when i lost everyone was just using me. Mom sent me to throw out the rubbish, i didn't understand, she got mad and i felt weird that i'm absolutely brain dead and she's screaming at me because i don't understand what she's telling me. Then i got out to throw out the rubbish, right now i'm stuck in a children's swing, watching the kids around and feeling miserable but too numb to be scared (i developed paedophobia after my dad's baby) now i just don't understand how people find people to love them and how they voluntenary give life when even own life is a torture. I just don't understand these People. I'm an alien. I'm not high, i took only my prescribed pills, the way my doctor prescribed them to me a month ago. Mom wants me to do laundry and i'm thinking about the absurdism of a human existence with myself in a swing. I'm derealisated and dissosiated. I feel like i'm on drugs, but i'm not, i'm in trauma. Hope she won't be mad at me. Like Yungblud sings in Medication "i'm blank, why you shouting at me". I'm just not normal. I can't be. I can't human. It's absurd. Earth to me. Im not responding. My brain is out of my body. Idk how to tell mom this.
I'm absolutely blank. My brain stoppe... - Anxiety and Depre...
I'm absolutely blank. My brain stopped working. Mom sent me to buy stuff and i'm stuck in a children's swing
Love is just an illusion. You know that, right ?
Actually, being "stuck in a swing" is Perfect!! Swinging, like rocking in a rocking chair is SO helpful for your heart and your mind! If I was there, I would be right next to you swinging really high! Swing your heart out!! Just don't forget to hang on! 😃
Thanks! It really helped for real 😃
Awesome! I am SO jealous of you right now, that I might walk to the park and swing in the playground until I am exhausted! SO healing! 🤣
Espessially If there's sun, go for it! And i saw a dog that helped me
This doggie came to you to brighten your day. A gift from God.... just like the swing!
It’s called depersonalisation or derealisation at my worst I had these episodes it was like I was watching myself from a distance my body was just a lump of muscle and I couldn’t feel myself as if I was floating around. I would have panic attacks in the middle of the train as I could see myself from different angles. You are not alone I’m sorry you got used but he’s not worth it tbh. I am here to talk but I’m a bit confused about the dad baby incident if you don’t mind telling me about it !!!!We all love you here and we may not understand what you are going through or what you feel but we will listen and love you and care for you
Keep taking your meds just being able to take them getting up and being able to go outside in its self is such an achievement well don’t keep going !!
Thank you so much! 😭 Love you too. Thanks, i was feeling like i'm slipping because i'm late with dead lines and everything. And thank you for being here and caring about me. That's what i need. My dad had a baby from another woman 1 year ago and i found out when she was still pregnant and had to keep it a secret and it totaly ruined me. And the coping i used trying to deal with it, ruined me too. Sorry you're experiencing it too. I'm still in it but at least i managed to get home. It results in agoraphobia somethimes espessially when i'm not in my hometown. Mom's now making troubles
...and if your mother asks where you've been, just happily say, "Swinging", start humming a nice tune, and start some laundry.💜
I told her i played with a puppy and now she's telling me how she was pregnant with me and studying for a vet and now she's keeping the story and i'm scared she might ask about dad's new baby
I'm not heartless
Sorry i said it. You're not
Please, i didn't mean that, please 😭
Why are you afraid of your mom asking you about your dad's new baby? They aren't together anymore. He can have a new baby. I know you said before that you resent the baby (which you know is wrong of you). So what if she asks. You don't know much, so there won't be much to say. You worry too much. Please go swinging again soon, ok? Even without a dog, the swinging was good for your spirit. Now you know a good thing to do for yourself.💜
Yes, the dad can have a new baby, but with all due respect, they have every right to be resentful. Imagine your own dad leaving and having a kid with someone that isn’t your mom. That’s traumatic, and not to mention, caused this person paedophobia. It’s meant to be a secret, too. Honestly, if the mom asks I would come clean, but that’s nerve wracking. To this person- I’m so glad that you found the swing, and you do not worry too much. Anxiety makes us worry, and that’s totally and completely normal. No matter what you feel or what anyone else tells you about your feelings, they are and always will be valid. Please don’t let this stop you from sharing more of your feelings, and I’m so proud of you. You are incredibly brave and strong <3
Feeling used by someone is awful and it sounds like that experience has brought to the surface maybe the primary feelings of feeling detached from your mom, your dad and your dad’s new child. Maybe like you don’t belong anywhere? It takes a lot of courage but I think you would maybe feel a lot better if you sat down with your mom and told her everything you’ve been going through and how your feeling (or someone you feel close to). Ask them not to interrupt until you’re done talking. All of your feelings are valid. I’ve been surprised in my own life about how good it feels when I have done this, both the weight lifted from my own heart and the willingness of others to want to help and love once they understand.
Yeah, it would be so good but they don't understand and get reactive and defencive. I really wish i could do this. It's killing me on the inside and i have to pretend and hide from them. Once a psychologist wanted to talk with them, mom refuse, dad charmed the psychologist until the psychologist agreed with him and made me feel insane and like it's just biochemistry and there's nothing wrong. Even psychiatrists know my roots are deeply psychological. I dream they understand me one day
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