My school bullies killed my mom. A distorptive thought

[Against_the_current]

So she's going to the cardiologist and drinking. People say it's because of dad leaving. Dad may have left because we changed rooms. I was sleeping in the kitchen but i was having night terrors so i went to sleep with mom and sis. And i bought a rabbit to help me with the stress of bullying and this rabbit was making noise at night and probably waking him and he desided to leave. Also i was bullied so much that granma took me to a shaman (ik dumbbb) who told me my anxiety is from a ghost and i couldn't sleep alone and made dad sleep there and he left and this led to my mom drinking and having to go to the cardiologist, sis vomiting, me vomi and going Absolutely insane. It's unfair! My bullies are living life when ppl i love are struggling because of them! I couldn't even get a normal degree, a job or a relationship because of how they fcked my brain. And they're now rich and having chicks. In Korea If you are only rumoured to have bullied your life is over. Fuck you Bulgaria! I hope this is just my anxiety. Mom and dad were having problems before i got in highschool and he s a grown man, he should have stayed "take the rabbit out" or "enough sleeping here". And he probably left because of 40s crisis. I'm a terrible daughter. I killed my mom. I'm just insane right? I am so dumb to seek help all the time instead of distracting. I hear things that triggered me. I'm sorry. I'm so stupid. Everything i do is a mistake

Edit after an hour : She bought beer. What a fucking rollercoaster

[Blunderbuss_bumpkin]

You are not stupid, you are not a failure and you are not a terrible daughter. You are not responsible for fixing everyone elses problems, especially when you have problems of your own that you are trying to fix. You worry so much and put so much effort into helping everyone else and it's evidence of what a good person you are but it's hurting you because you care about everyone too much! What about you? You are important too, just as much if not more! You don't exactly have it easy and you have just as much right to be happy as everyone else so you cannot take responsibility for if others have a problem with that!

You have never made a wrong decision because the only wrong decision is to give up, which many people have but not you! You are great and whatever you decide to do will be the right thing to do! Just keep going

[Against_the_current in reply to Blunderbuss_bumpkin]

I can't describe how much i thank you! Needed your words so much. Thank you, you're amazing!

[Hidden]

I see you are trying to figure things out. You'll drive yourself crazy doing that. No, you are not crazy and no, you are not stupid. You are trying to make sense out of what's going on around you. This is normal. It hurts like heck (especially when that something doesn't make sense), but it's perfectly normal.I'm dealing with a nonsensical situation myself. It kills me inside, so I'm working on building myself up. Did I cause it to happen? No, I did not. It just happened. Sometimes things (or people, in my case) just happen.

I've spent almost a year trying to figure my situation out. You know what conclusion I've come to? I've come to the enlightening conclusion that I can't figure it out and will never be able to figure it out. I can't control the situation. I can't control what others do (or don't do).. But what I can control is myself. I can work on myself.

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for sharing. I totaly get this. 2 years im driving myself crazy trying to figure out stuff and i can't

[Hidden in reply to Against_the_current]

You're welcome. It makes sense that we would want to make sense of things. We as humans like to make sense of what goes on around us. And then we get stumped when we run into something that makes no sense. You know what I've been doing for this? I've been making sense out of it by saying "the only thing that makes sense is that it makes no sense". That's a kind of sense. It makes no sense. Why not? It makes me feel better and more secure to have made sense of it.

Edit a few minutes later: There's too many senses in this paragraph.😅 Sorry about that

[Blueruth in reply to Hidden]

” I can't control what others do (or don't do).. But what I can control is myself. I can work on myself.”

Truth. A year ago you were focused on one person you had a conflict with. It defined your life. My how far you have come!

[Hidden in reply to Blueruth]

Omg, thank you SO much!!! You've just made my day! 😀😀

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, i needed this

[Hidden in reply to Against_the_current]

You're welcome!

[Blueruth]

your mom has the same challenge as you…letting others define her. Putting people, your dad, on a pedestal is always going to fail. I think you should try and break the cycle. You don’t need to be your mother. Your mother isn’t going to change until she decides to and actually asks for help. She isn’t asking. In fact has it occurred to you you could be enabling her?

“who told me my anxiety is from a ghost ”. I think there is more truth than you think. First we all have ghosts. But I think there is some trauma or something you aren’t dealing with. That’s a ghost. Things that you haven’t “exorcised “ live with you causing those symptoms you describe until you shine a light and confront them head on.