Hey everyone im Becky , 30 and a mother of 3 children ages between 10 & 10months old.
I started having intrusive thoughts about harming loved ones in 2014 particularly my youngest, i think in reflection was because she was very young vulnerable & depended on me fully.
I had always thought OCD was cleaning,germs and checking because of the social media stigma.
so when these thoughts popped up i honestly thought i was a very disturbed & some kind of psycopath!! i reasearched, i could bear being alone with my daughter, i avoided being on my own with her because at least around people she would be safe, carrying her downstairs would cause more thoughts, i was hiding sharp objects just incase my thoughts meant id lose control and do something. some family called me a psyco.
it took 10 months to recieve a diagnosis ...and a little more time to understand that intrusive thoughts are the opposite of our core values & by reacting to the thoughts by having compulsions was teaching my brain thoughts had power and could have a potential risk of being real.
I was offerer citalopram, which made me feel sick constantly then tried in sertraline, but it didnt agree with me. so i decided to tried lifestyle changes & cut out caffine as much as possible.
by the time i was at the top of the list for CBT therapy, i was barely having any intrusive thoughts or anxiety at all. i was busy with a new social media business, lots of friends and product meetings and also my eldest who has attachment disorder was keeping me on my toes so i just didnt have the time to be obsessing about thoughts.
by December 2016 i was in my 1st trimester with our 3rd child, my business was no longer working
my eldest's difficulties were out of control & was often aggressive pysically towards me and the home doubled up with all day nausea i felt pretty crap, i hate the cold too & always feeling cold ...
i started having intrusive thoughts agaon only this time they were about harming myself rather than my children, then i was constantly worrying that i didnt know if i wanted another baby or not wether id love him or not.
i self refferred to Iapt and was seen by the end of January 2017, again by wich point the thoughts had simmered back down again.
2017 was a horrendous year, police constantly here due to my son being in crises and almost daily smashing the home up, attacking me, attacking staff in school his time table reduced ...you name it , it was going off, i begged for respite so i could at least get a break to recover from injuries and the emotional & mental strain but i was refused i got little help or support.
by the time my youngest was born my eldest sons behaviour had settled down massivly! we barely saw any aggresive behaviour! ...
so things were settled & we started enjoying being a family unit again, my baby was thriving we all were!
in September 2017 i went away with some friends for a convention, that evening i felt sick and got anxious that i had a bug, i have a big fear of being sick im sure its emetphobia ...that night nausea and then anxiety through the roof, i had a bad nightmare in which i told people i didnt want to be here anymore, i woke straight up shivering & so exhausted that i panicked even more about why i would dream something like that. the next day i was so tired i couldnt continue at the convention & paid almost £100 train fare to get myself home and slept almost 24hrs.
My baby was waking most mornings at 3/4am i was getting up and by the time he went back to sleep my older 2 were up for school ...by the time they left baby would wake again ...so i generally wasnt even napping in the day..i was just powering through from 3/4am until crashing at 7/8pm. so most days i was up 17 sometimes 18hrs straight.
in october 2017 i was suffering with joint pain, my fingers, knuckles, knees,toes ached so badly i struggled to get up stairs, my elbows were swelling some of mt knuckles had swollen, so i was sent for a blood test to rule out rhuematism, my test result was clear, my Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (TSH) came back at 1.4 so within normal range but my vitamim D levels came back at 22 which was quite noticeably low and was the culprit for the joint pains. i was put on 50,000units of Vit D a week for 8 weeks, i managed 5 weeks and forgot the others and forgot to go back to have another test to ensure they had gone back up.
December rolled round my baby ended up in hospital with bronchiolitis, our kitchen was getting refurbed 15 days before christmas ...things were chaotic to say the least.
then the entire family caught rotavirus, my partner was ill and all 3 children, i tool antisickness tablets but rather than me feeling better i felt nauseated all night had terrible toileting and was so redicoulously drained ...that the thoughts popped up again i felt so ill i was having thoughts about not wanting to be here again! i then recovered after 3 days of having no energy at all.
christmas came and went ...no friends visiting i wasnt doing anything to get out and about my partner had been taking quite some time off work so i guess i got used to him being around. then 1 night towards the end of february this year i had terrible anxiety and the thoughts of harming my baby popped back up so i forced myself to be at home with the baby alone as much as possible and doing my best not to allow myself to have compulsions i knew myself i would NEVER EVER harm anyone let alone my baby. after a week they simmered down again, but the theme of the thoughts changed back to not wanting to be here no more, the thoughts made me feel sick constantly i was researching, catastrophizing and just an anxious wreck i couldnt cope being alone, threw out tablets, hid things because they were triggering and i was scared id do something.
i self refferred again to IAPT, it got ignored, i text our family social worker that i thought maybe i had post natal depression she ignored it.
i ended up ringing the crises team i was exhausted pysically, mentally & emotionally i was barely eating anything through constantly feeling sick constantly shivering. our social worker then came out and said she didnt think it was my OCD, she said i was in denial & was actually suicidal! ...yet all of my behaviour was compulsions to prevent me acting on my thoughts because the idea terrified me! she stated she thought i was hiding things so i knew were they were when i came to doing something
told me i must be honest with the mental health team because i knew so much about OCD that i was able to convince people i was ok when really i wasnt ...she had me doubting myself and i made the mistake of believing her..so.i was unable to get any comfort or reassurence from the mental health team then sent home even more frightened
24hrs later i was back in A & E stating i didnt want to be here no more. the duty psychiatrist sat saying i had post natal depression & was concerned my anxiety was going to lead me to being impulsive! so she just delivered a level of certainty that TERRIFIED me and had me believe that what she was saying was true before sending me home again!
i wasnt able to cope so placed myself on a voluntary section at a unit miles away from my children and my baby, i took one of his blankets with me and cried all the way there, i slept for well over a day before i came out of my room. was started on Mirtazapine & lorazepam ..by day 2 i was much more myself, my anxiety to a minimum!
i was discharged home on the 15th of march this year. i see a CPN once every 2 weeks and seen a Psychiatrist once for a review who told me my medication needed increasing and wouldnt confirm if it was all my OCD i didnt feel depressed i was just sick of all these thoughts going round when all i wanted was for them to stop going round and round all day long. ive now been on 30mg of mirtazapine for almost 3 weeks since having them increased...the thoughts are there almost every day now, i try to do positive things i try mindfulness but without much luck all im told is to find distractions!
i dread waking up in a morning with the little one (5am) because i know the thoughts will be there again im going to bed anxious knowing they will be there...
the mirtazapine should be helping by now but there has been no difference.
i have been feeling like i have no energy at all constantly wanting to sleep, my muscles feel like ive been in the gym all day and my joints are starting to ache again.
a friend suggested i get my vitamin D, Iron & thyroid checked as she explained alot of my symptoms were consistent with a under active thyroid.
joint & muscle pains / weakness
always feeling cold
ridged brittle nails
rough skin patches on my elbows
no energy & feeling constantly fatigued
neck aches & headaches
along with the anxiety & depression.
so ive got another blood check coming up
part of me hopes its something simple like my thyroid because at least then it can be treated and il feel better.
anyway thanks for reading