Introducing Myself I Guess

[purpleshadow123]

I have only recently discovered this forum today after taking an online depression test and learning that I have severe depression-which was no surprise to me. I have had severe depression since I was at least 15 and I'm 28 so that's almost going on half of my life. 15 was when I was diagnosed with depression by the way,it's possible that I had depression way before that but for my own mental state I tell myself it started at 15.

I cannot remember a time in my life when I was happy. I have autism and that really puts a hurt on your social skills especially when you don't learn about your diagnosis until middle school from another student in the library. I wish I would have known sooner,it sure would have explained why I grew up crying myself to sleep because I was unable to make friends. Other than that,I grew up being teased and picked on in school mainly for my appearance,but also because I was awkward,shy and quiet so I made for an easy target. Needless to say,I can't recall a time in my life that I had a healthy amount of self esteem or self confidence.

Fast forward to high school years when I was homeschooled and that's when the depression and suicide thoughts really hit. I had all of the most horrible symptoms-thoughts of self harm, thoughts of suicide,nightmares,horrible mood swings,etc. I even developed an eating disorder. In August 2012,a month before I turned 17 something major happened. I had developed a very unhealthy ultimatum in my head that my only option was to either commit suicide or run away from home. I didn't really want to die because I still had hope,so I decided to run away from home and hitchhike. Believe it or not,I knew that this decision was dangerous. I had seen articles on the internet of young girls coming to very tragic ends because of hitchhiking,but in my depressed 16 year old head the thoughts of just living my life in misery outweighed those dangers. Something had to change.

Shortly after police found me,my parents eventually got me psychiatric and psychological help and I have been on wonderful prozac ever since.

Fast forward to today, I'm still severely depressed and often find myself fighting suicidal thoughts. I can't drive. I'm on disability and I don't work. I have no friends my own age and I can't see myself turning 30 in less there's a miracle.

PS: I could have went into a whole lot more detail,but I chose to keep this short.

[gajh]

Hello and Welcome. I am glad you are here with us. You are not alone.

[purpleshadow123 in reply to gajh]

hi and thank you that means a lot.

[LoveforAll41]

Hi purpleshadow! Welcome! I am so sorry that you have suffered for so long and see no way forward. That is the worst place I think we can be in as humans, hopelessness. Have you been going to therapy through the years? I think that is the real place that work is done, we have to change the way we think to change the way we feel. I always recommend the book "Feeling Great" by David Burns. I hope your path forward begins to feel brighter. ☮️

[tommy2toes in reply to LoveforAll41]

David Burns is legit. Does he still teach at Stanford? One of the original disciples of Aaron Beck, the bloke that brought cognitive behavior therapy into the mainstream.

[purpleshadow123 in reply to LoveforAll41]

Hi and thank you,but unfortunately, I'm currently not in therapy. There are certain circumstances in my life right now that I'm at a point that I'm not even sure that therapy could help with. That's not to say that I don't find therapy beneficial, I was once a patient of a psychologist who was one of the easiest people for me to open up to. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that it would be good for me to see her as a patient anymore because I admittedly started to feel a maternal connection with her and I'm aware that that is very frowned upon.

[LoveforAll41 in reply to purpleshadow123]

I think that a lot of work can be done solo, and perhaps without a therapist you can bounce ideas off of people here. I think it is very important to get an outsider's take, I think 90% of the time the view from the outside is WAY better than the view within.

[purpleshadow123 in reply to LoveforAll41]

okay. I'm definitely willing to try anything at this point. thank you so much for taking the time to give me advice

[Hidden in reply to LoveforAll41]

Ain’t that the truth

[blackcat64013]

Hi Purpleshadow,

Welcome to your forum.

We are lived experience members from around the world and all here for you 24/7.

It's great that you have found a medication that works for you. From my experience, to achieve the best outcome, doing therapy helps. The meds improve your ability to do the work therapy requires. Recovery is possible but occurs in it's own good time

Since you are in the USA, one of the best resources is the American Anxiety and Depression Association, ADAA for short. I have put the link below

adaa.org/find-help/support

[purpleshadow123 in reply to blackcat64013]

Hi and thank you. unfortunately, I'm not sure that my medication is working like it should anymore. I no longer have constant nightmares or mood swings,but unfortunately the thoughts of suicide have returned. I'm truthfully at a point in my life where I have decided that thoughts of suicide will always be somewhere in my mind and my only hope is to fight them even if that means disassociating myself from reality.

[purpleshadow123 in reply to blackcat64013]

Thank you so much for the suggestion of the resource though

[tommy2toes]

Crusty old fella here. Just to reiterate what others have said, welcome to our little corner of the Internet. I hope you benefit from the support an empathy of this group. Please remember, that when confronting your issues, at least in spirit you are not alone.

[purpleshadow123 in reply to tommy2toes]

hello and thank you that means so much

[Gillyflower18]

Welcome purpleshadow. I know it’s a rough road. Depression and anxiety often go along with autism. I have had the same issues mostly the social issues like you. Not fitting in can pull you down. Do you have any special interests or hobbies? You will find it much easier to relate with people who share them. I have found an area of work that encompasses the things I’m interested in so at least part of the year I am talking with people who love the same things I do. I know it’s very hard but try to get out and walk every day if you can. I find noting everything thing in nature and brief interactions with people and their pets who are walking to be helpful. I love animals and they generally warm up to me which makes their owners happy! Autists are not bad we just have a different way of processing things. Being an introvert and enjoying things by yourself is not bad either. I like to be around people I have something in common with. It’s a good way to get to know people.

[purpleshadow123]

thank you for the welcome and kind words. it's nice to meet another person who can relate to what I'm going through with autism. unfortunately,I do not currently have any hobbies or special interests,but I am aware that I should look into it.

I'm an animal lover too,I actually have two pet cockatiels.

I used to walk daily,perhaps it is an activity that I should take up again.

[Gillyflower18]

Walking is very good for a lot of things. I love that you have birds. They are so intelligent! Look on Facebook I’m sure there are lots of online groups for bird owners. I’m in 2 different ones for cats. When you walk try to notice and id the birds you see. This time of year there will be a lot more to see! Do you like to read? There are lots of book groups out there too. Start small and just keep going. You will find it helps.