My story

[_Mr_Nobody_]

I'm from a low income area in Cape Town, South Africa called Mitchell's plain. I grew up being raised by a single mother as my father died a month before my 2nd birthday. I have an older sister, she's 4 years older than me. In school I was a good student in terms of grades but not my behaviour. I was the highest achieving student in my class from grades 1-7 but was in trouble a lot for arguing with the educors. I struggled to make friends as it was hard to find children who had the same interests as me, I loved non fiction books and science. I was seen as a "nerd" is school and some students didn't want to associate with me. Also I was always into rock, till this day Slipknot is one of my favourite bands. This made it difficult to make friends because people over here think that listening to such music means you are a psycho or something. However, I met a girl who liked rick too and fell in love with her. She was my first love. But I was unable to express to her how I felt and she was with other guys while we stayed friends. Finally when I got the courage to tell her how I feel. Her family moved and I never saw her again. I never got the opportunity to tell her how I feel.

My availability to make friends was hindered by anxiety that formed because if struggling to connect with people. When I went to highschool, the depression started and my grades dropped. No longer was I achieving great grades and I was just bringing in slightly above average results.

I made friends, one of whom I'm still in contact with till today. met another girl that I fell in love with, we dated but things ended because my struggles with depression was an obstacle for her that she couldn't deal with, I also have an aversion to tongue kissing which caused issues for me as she felt that I didn't want to kiss her because I didn't really like her. I met another girl and again, my mental issues made her distance from me. The friends I had stopped hanging out with me and I had to find new friends. Luckily I had someone I hung out with during breaks that accepted me as I am. If we were gay, we probably would have dated.

After highschool, I went to university to study applied geology. It was a spur of the moment choice as I really didn't know what I wanted to study but geology seemed interesting and my family wanted me to go to university.

This is where my mental health took a nose dive. I started feeling empty and soulless. I made 2 good friends that I would see everyday on campus. One of the friends, was a girl one year younger than my friend and I. At the time I met her, I had decided to not engage in any romantic relationship with anyone as I was too damaged for anyone to love me or even feel love for someone else.

After 2 years of friendship, I fell in love with her. She didn't feel the same and we stayed good friends for another 2 years till one night I got drunk and had a bad episode where I couldn't deal with not being in a romantic relationship with her and told her that we can't be friends anymore. That was just over 6 years ago. I still miss her.

I graduated the year before but spent 2 years unemployed not being able to get a job in my field of study.

I went to therapy the following year because I was becoming suicidal. And spent 2 years in therapy, I was on meds for the 2 years but nothing really helped. I got diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and symptoms of borderline personality disorder. It was gree therapy from the local clinic but I had a limited number of sessions. I went through 3 different therapist's because of the session limits.

Then went back to university and got as certificate in science education, on the day I graduated I got a call from a school I applied and interviewed for to tell me I got the post as a science teacher. 6 months later I was unemployed again because I got fired because the principal was of the opinion I can't handle the job.

The following year (last year) I got a substitute post at an online school. Where I found a good work/,life balance as well as a healthy work environment. It was sad when my contract ended. I'm still unemployed since that time.

Last year I reconnected with someone I met on campus but only saw a handful of times. We ended up chatting everyday and earlier this year we were together romantically. It was amazing, she is amazing. Everything was great. Then, she got a job in Thailand. The relationship was supposed to be just a casual thing as we both just wanted to be with someone with no long term commitment. However before she moved I started wanting something more, and since we were still together after she moved I thought she wanted that too. Things were okay but started getting tougher. The distance between us was taking its toll. I started feeling that I'm going to lose her, it's just a matter of time and started distancing from my feelings for her as a way to cope with the feelings. This caused more problems and eventually she said something I've heard multiple times before that my mental health issues is causing strain in the relationship and she can't deal with it anymore. I think I broke her. She told me that she doesn't want to speak to me until I get professional help and doing better. We still friends but it's weird because I can't talk to her anymore. I don't know how long she needs away from me. The last time I contacted her she said that she needs time away from me. No idea how long.

When she told me that she can't talk to me it was a video call 2 hours long where she explained everything about how she feels about me. That she loves me but I need help before my depression kills me. It was heartbreaking, I cried during the call, I never cried Infront of her.

Now I'm here, seeking support and awaitingy first therapy session with a new therapist. I found a free online therapy service offered in my country. I want to heal, I want to be better. But it hurts that I couldn't have been a better version of myself for the one I love so much. I love her so much, and every day without contacting her hurts. I so badly want to talk to her, to see her smile again. I dream of holding her. I have never loved someone as much as I loved her.

Sorry for the very long wall of text. I have no idea if anyone will read all of this. Just wanted to tell my story.

[Hidden]

You did well because at least you tried but mental health can affect us all and to incapacitating ways. I think concentrate on feeling better and then coping with life, mental health comes first. Also make friends, with people who understand you or therapy is fine - get some emotional support from somewhere - it can really help and I hope this site helps.

Learning to deal with your mental health is key and learning to cope with life, growing and learning is key. Keep trying and you will see your work pay off. Hope this helps

[_Mr_Nobody_ in reply to Hidden]

Funny thing is, the last person I was with. Is a psychology graduate. She's considering getting her master's in psychology. I really thought that would help her understand me

[Hidden in reply to _Mr_Nobody_]

Lots of people that need to learn about Mental Health - keep seeking someone good, it will be worth it

[Marysblue]

I read all of your post and I think you are a smart sensitive young man who's life so far has not been very different from so many other young people. Keep trying to meet the right friends it's just a numbers game you have to go through a lot of the wrong people. And I think it's more difficult today.Maybe find some people that share your interests. I think most people have a difficult time finding love. It's not easy. Don't give up and don't let it affect your self image. Its about them not about you.

Youre doing all the right things, seeking out therapy. And you're strong to keep trying with the effort it takes with depression. You can get better.

[_Mr_Nobody_ in reply to Marysblue]

I have social anxiety so going out and meeting new people is very daunting. I do still try but it's really tough. It's tiring too. I understand where you coming from, yeah my life hasn't been that tragic. Having depression and anxiety is what causes difficulty. Sometimes I feel guilty about it because I have a caring family, friends here at home that I can hang out with. But yet, nearly every day I feel this deep feeling of sadness. It's not that I have a lot of trauma or something like that. My biggest problem is myself

[Marysblue in reply to _Mr_Nobody_]

I'm not really into socializing a lot. I had to accept that I'm just an introvert and that's the way I am. Nothing wrong with it. Much wiser people than me have said to sit with your sadness. Feel it, let it come up and release.Also writing about it helps. I write a list of all the things i m grateful for each day.

[Starrlight]

I just want you to know you seem like a really caring person and determined as well. I liked reading your story.

[Gingerbreadman1978]

do you good to tell your story 👍

[Tealpillow]

I read every word, thank you so much for sharing. I’m glad to hear you have supportive family nearby - sometimes when I’m really down I text my mom just because I know she’ll make me laugh. Help pull me out of the dark places, at least temporarily.

Relationships are so hard - I’m sorry you are going through all of this. Heartbreak is sooooo painful. I’ve been there, too.

It’s a good sign that you want to go to therapy. You haven’t given up on yourself!

[_Mr_Nobody_ in reply to Tealpillow]

I can't text my mom or sister with things like that. We just never did anything like that. We were never the family that shares things with each other. Not sure why but that's just how it is

[Tealpillow in reply to _Mr_Nobody_]

I think that’s probably more common than what my family is like. My mom is a therapist and my dad is a comedian so they are both chatty 😆

Have you tried opening up to your sister a little? Or asking if she goes through similar stuff? My husband and his sister very rarely communicate so I completely understand if you feel like that’s not safe to do.

[_Mr_Nobody_ in reply to Tealpillow]

Yeah, my sister and I don't have a close relationship. It's more the kind of relationship you have with co-workers

[Tealpillow in reply to _Mr_Nobody_]

Well, we are here for you. And you can always tell us what is going on because we get it. Hugs

[Atthepark]

I think u need to french kiss your gf u may want to talk about that w your counselor I think that may be really hindering u and nit the depression or anxiety like u think it is. Not trying to be rude just saying what's on my mind

[_Mr_Nobody_ in reply to Atthepark]

The last person I was with I did. I don't enjoy french kissing all that much, but she did and something about her made me willing to do it even though it tends to make me feel queezy.

[Atthepark in reply to _Mr_Nobody_]

Yeah idk it makes me feel good

[Atthepark in reply to Atthepark]

Bx that's a big part of intimacy