I'm from a low income area in Cape Town, South Africa called Mitchell's plain. I grew up being raised by a single mother as my father died a month before my 2nd birthday. I have an older sister, she's 4 years older than me. In school I was a good student in terms of grades but not my behaviour. I was the highest achieving student in my class from grades 1-7 but was in trouble a lot for arguing with the educors. I struggled to make friends as it was hard to find children who had the same interests as me, I loved non fiction books and science. I was seen as a "nerd" is school and some students didn't want to associate with me. Also I was always into rock, till this day Slipknot is one of my favourite bands. This made it difficult to make friends because people over here think that listening to such music means you are a psycho or something. However, I met a girl who liked rick too and fell in love with her. She was my first love. But I was unable to express to her how I felt and she was with other guys while we stayed friends. Finally when I got the courage to tell her how I feel. Her family moved and I never saw her again. I never got the opportunity to tell her how I feel.
My availability to make friends was hindered by anxiety that formed because if struggling to connect with people. When I went to highschool, the depression started and my grades dropped. No longer was I achieving great grades and I was just bringing in slightly above average results.
I made friends, one of whom I'm still in contact with till today. met another girl that I fell in love with, we dated but things ended because my struggles with depression was an obstacle for her that she couldn't deal with, I also have an aversion to tongue kissing which caused issues for me as she felt that I didn't want to kiss her because I didn't really like her. I met another girl and again, my mental issues made her distance from me. The friends I had stopped hanging out with me and I had to find new friends. Luckily I had someone I hung out with during breaks that accepted me as I am. If we were gay, we probably would have dated.
After highschool, I went to university to study applied geology. It was a spur of the moment choice as I really didn't know what I wanted to study but geology seemed interesting and my family wanted me to go to university.
This is where my mental health took a nose dive. I started feeling empty and soulless. I made 2 good friends that I would see everyday on campus. One of the friends, was a girl one year younger than my friend and I. At the time I met her, I had decided to not engage in any romantic relationship with anyone as I was too damaged for anyone to love me or even feel love for someone else.
After 2 years of friendship, I fell in love with her. She didn't feel the same and we stayed good friends for another 2 years till one night I got drunk and had a bad episode where I couldn't deal with not being in a romantic relationship with her and told her that we can't be friends anymore. That was just over 6 years ago. I still miss her.
I graduated the year before but spent 2 years unemployed not being able to get a job in my field of study.
I went to therapy the following year because I was becoming suicidal. And spent 2 years in therapy, I was on meds for the 2 years but nothing really helped. I got diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and symptoms of borderline personality disorder. It was gree therapy from the local clinic but I had a limited number of sessions. I went through 3 different therapist's because of the session limits.
Then went back to university and got as certificate in science education, on the day I graduated I got a call from a school I applied and interviewed for to tell me I got the post as a science teacher. 6 months later I was unemployed again because I got fired because the principal was of the opinion I can't handle the job.
The following year (last year) I got a substitute post at an online school. Where I found a good work/,life balance as well as a healthy work environment. It was sad when my contract ended. I'm still unemployed since that time.
Last year I reconnected with someone I met on campus but only saw a handful of times. We ended up chatting everyday and earlier this year we were together romantically. It was amazing, she is amazing. Everything was great. Then, she got a job in Thailand. The relationship was supposed to be just a casual thing as we both just wanted to be with someone with no long term commitment. However before she moved I started wanting something more, and since we were still together after she moved I thought she wanted that too. Things were okay but started getting tougher. The distance between us was taking its toll. I started feeling that I'm going to lose her, it's just a matter of time and started distancing from my feelings for her as a way to cope with the feelings. This caused more problems and eventually she said something I've heard multiple times before that my mental health issues is causing strain in the relationship and she can't deal with it anymore. I think I broke her. She told me that she doesn't want to speak to me until I get professional help and doing better. We still friends but it's weird because I can't talk to her anymore. I don't know how long she needs away from me. The last time I contacted her she said that she needs time away from me. No idea how long.
When she told me that she can't talk to me it was a video call 2 hours long where she explained everything about how she feels about me. That she loves me but I need help before my depression kills me. It was heartbreaking, I cried during the call, I never cried Infront of her.
Now I'm here, seeking support and awaitingy first therapy session with a new therapist. I found a free online therapy service offered in my country. I want to heal, I want to be better. But it hurts that I couldn't have been a better version of myself for the one I love so much. I love her so much, and every day without contacting her hurts. I so badly want to talk to her, to see her smile again. I dream of holding her. I have never loved someone as much as I loved her.
Sorry for the very long wall of text. I have no idea if anyone will read all of this. Just wanted to tell my story.
New to this, but here’s my story
Off my chest 
I only have 1 friend and she isn't that great of a friend 
