Many years ago-- a lifetime ago or maybe just another life-- I used to be vibrant and strong. I was nicknamed smiley. I felt like I could do anything I set my mind to do.
Anxiety and depression runs in my family (on my mom's side) and I thought I didn't have the gene marker. I didn't have social anxiety and I was always happy and positive.
My mom reminded me that I had had depression-like moments prior to 2014 but I think the stress of my first internship (fieldwork experience, halfway through my graduate program) in fall that year was when I realized I had the gene. I eventually decided in the middle of my internship that I just couldn't anymore. I needed a mental vacation so I institutionalized myself and was there for about a week. Life through more punches my way days following my discharge-- great grandfather was on life support and died, during his viewing I received a text from my landlord/ roommate that I needed to move out by end of the month (October) (which was days a way) and I knew legally I needed a 30 day notice but at the same time I didn't want to be somewhere I wasn't welcomed, and my sister was getting married on November 1st and I was the maid of honor (I was actually proud giving a speech). Just a lot to undertake. But the following months I was proud of my ability to ween myself off the medications I was given in the hospital (just seems to be their process-- medicate) and being there I realized our health system especially our mental health care needed improvements.
And I really thought I could make changes. And I was determined that I had to experience this to learn my path. I've been an occupational therapist since summer of 2016. I've been averaging about a year these past two years with jobs but it's been hard staying motivated and happy. I don't know if I can handle the stress. I question my decisions basically every day, often multiple times a day.
Saturday, I finally got my hair done for a little pick me up. And I found myself in the chair teary-eyed.. a few tears found their way down my face while the stylist stepped out of the suite. I was sad because I don't feel amazing anymore. Like I don't think people like me.
For about two years I had thought some physical relief would help... like cutting. But I could never actually do it. I can apply pressure with a tool but couldn't actually inflict harm to myself. Last fall I succeeded with scissors on my leg... and in some way it was soothing. But the next day, seeing it made me sad and a bit scared. Lately I've been wanting to again... I just get really low and I don't know. I found someone to hang out with and by the time I we were hanging out the crying stop. And yesterday I was anxious all day but managed now to cry. And this morning I can't stop crying. And need to go to work... somehow.
Written by
usedtobesmiley
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Hi, welcome to the forum because we members have been there too. From my exerience there is nothing to do but admit some help is needed at this time. You could try therapy only but you could also go straight back on the meds that you were on before, in addition to therapy. The meds should work again but there is no guarantee. Working as a team with your
doctor on a treatment plan for you is important. Wishing you all the best.
Thank you. I tried medication again in 2017 but didn't like how numb it made me-- literally didn't cry for over 2 months. I might cry excessively but think it's kind of sweet that I happy cry sometimes haha and didn't like how it suppressed that. I have some ideas of how to manage my hormones naturally-- now it's just a matter of implementing the strategies
I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. I know the whole cutting thing. I used to do it, I ended up needing 14 stiches and have a pretty big noticeable scar. It's hard to stop once you start. It's deceiving because it removes whatever you're feeling at the moment. But that is short lived, so hopefully you can be strong enough to keep fighting that urge. I still til this day get them. It's a fight. And as far as people liking you, that was another thing I had to learn. You will always have people that won't like you for whatever reason they've come up with. I have people I don't like. What I'm getting at is, you were put on this earth, just like them. They don't have to like it. Or you for that matter. You have found a place here that people will do their best to lift you up, and can actually understand you. And that might be what you need, it might not. But there is alot of support here. I hope you get feeling better, and please feel free to reach out if you need to talk💞
Hi dear! First things first, I want you to absolutely KNOW that YOU, SMILEY, are STILL IN THERE! Somewhere...you just got lost. I am an amazing lady also.....who unfortunately ALSO has the dreaded "GENE." (Mom's side too...ROTTEN SCUMS lol) I also am thinking that maybe your job is not right for you....we get lost when we get off our path. Don't let money lead you...a lower-paying job but a happier and less-stressful one is worth it. Any other job where you can use your skills? What are your talents? Can you turn them into an income? Smiley, you are still in there, you just got lost somewhere…..maybe a traumatic event or a loss? And I'm proud of you for weaning off the meds.....not many can do that. You can get that AMAZING energy back. Read books on how to STRENGTHEN your aura and keep NEGATIVITY OUT! Also, read books on how to raise your vibration. You can also google these. And, SMILE, even when you don't feel like it...because...well, that's WHO YOU ARE!
Thank you so much!! This message me cry hehe but in a good way. Just really touched my heart, and I love your sense of humor! Just want I needed a good laugh even if it was in between some tears.
Yes I have been thinking that this job may not be for me. But then there are days that I feel like I could do this and really enjoy helping people; I even surprisingly survived the day today, was successful, and it's like my patients knew I needed some nice comments because they were extra complimentary today. I have applied for some other jobs that would bring me closer to my family. Another part of me wants to stay in the city I'm in and learn to be happy alone like I have done before-- I think it could help me be stronger even though it's been really hard.
As you can see I can be very indecisive.
It's funny the first expression of the dread GENE was my first occupational therapy like job (the internship)-- could have some PTSD from it-- and maybe that's why I always have anxiety with new OT jobs and even after being in them for a while. Hmm.. might need to explore this further. Thank you for the insight.
I don't think I could thank you enough.
You are amazing and one of the kindest people! Still smiling and giggling in regards to your humor
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It Ended but i don't feel like it did
I want to heal I swear I do 
Expressing myself
Useless towards myself 
My sexual assault won't leave my head
