I dont like being by myself with my own thoughts for one moment. I need to change.

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

I know this may sound so weird that I dont like being on my own with my own thoughts AT ALL but its true. I hate the discomfort of 'me'. I think this is what stems my addictive tendencies. I will do anything to not be alone with my own thoughts. I go on here and talk to others, read distracting stories online, watch dvds and, if youve read my first posts, self soothe ( the last one makes me sad ☹️). I think it all comes from a mixture of not liking myself that much (even though others tend to really like me I can be so hard on myself) and also actually not liking being alone as I was used to feeling orphaned as a child. So, I tend to like always feeling connected to someone or something and thus disconnected from myself and my own conscience. The trouble is that I cant get anything done. There needs to be some space as an individual in order to sleep, eat, work, tidy up etc etc. But I feel so much fear of being alone with my own mind that I cant do anything. It just can feel so painful to be conscious. I know this is not good and is so unhealthy to live like this. It feels like Im constantly under my bed covers and feel too scared to come out. I try, like today I tidied up a little. But then horrible thoughts came back. Memories of past mistakes and feelings of pain and despair came back. And I found it difficult to function again. I felt overwhelmed with sadness and despair and guilt. I felt hurt by my own consciousness and what was going on in my mind. So, I stopped what I was doing and distracted myself again by reading stories, self soothing, eating etc and didnt finish tidying up.

Sometimes I go into a low cycle that can last weeks. Its not good. I need to get out of this mess.

[Ladybug9]

Your post made a lot of sense and you are not alone with the fear of being stuck with our thoughts. We will never be free until we free ourselves from the prison of our own false thoughts. It's hard to explain to people what is going on inside our heads when most of the time, we don't even know. Your soul knows when it's time to close a chapter. Do you know why you may be holding onto a certain chapter in your life? As we all know, we can't get away from our own minds. I hear people say they want to move somewhere else to get away but guess what? When they arrive, there they are! Obstacles do not block the path, they ARE the path. Find friends who you feel you can trust, who will NOT judge you for anything, and share what is really going on deep inside. I know there is more to you than you have let others see. I may be way off base, but that is what I feel from reading your words. I'm here anytime you want to talk. To vent, to cry, whatever you need to do!

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to Ladybug9]

Wow, that comment made my hairs stand on end. That made so much sense. Its true! Its so hard to be honest with ourselves when we feel so ready to be hurt but yeah I know that I need to get things out. It feels trapped in there and like I cant move on. I tried reaching for help and it all got worse. It was the wrong people but it takes alot to move on from and trust again. But its really hard. I know I need to try though.

[Agora1 in reply to FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

Ladybug is spot on my friend. I "ditto" her response. xx

[Ladybug9 in reply to FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

And you keep trying my friend. You will know when you have found the right person or persons to talk with. I use to hide my thoughts and one day, I just said.. Oh the hell with it. I am an open book and people have two choices. Love me or Leave me. I will be okay. And so will you!

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to Ladybug9]

Thank you 😊

[Bluetj in reply to Ladybug9]

U summed me up good. While I never have liked the place where I grew up at, I have moved to a different state twice since my divorce ten years ago & there I was. I am currently living where I have always wanted to live, but guess what? I'm here also. The harder I have ran, I always catch up to myself.

[Ladybug9 in reply to Bluetj]

I'm sorry but you made me chuckle with your reply! You are not the only person who has tried to run away from themselves. Some use drugs, some run from city to city or state to state but as we both know, we always catch up with ourselves and nothing has changed but the distance. I just hope you are happy where you are now!! You deserve to be happy!

[Bluetj in reply to Ladybug9]

Happy? I feel like I'm just existing. With all that is going on with me personally & then the craziness n the world, can't seem to find happiness. Even b4 the pandemic, wasn't really happy. Just existing. 😧

[Ladybug9 in reply to Bluetj]

I'm so sorry to hear that even now, you aren't able to find happiness. Very true that a lot is going on and it's not exactly putting smiles on people's faces. I find happiness in what may seem to be silly to some but I get a lot of happiness from my fur baby and something as simple as watching the different Hummingbirds deciding which feeder they like the best. I have a purple, blue and red one hanging on my front porch. And who would have thought Hummingbirds could be so choosy? Is there anything I can do to help? I'm here to help if I can. I have 2 great ears for listening!

[Bba6]

I know it’s hard because I’m a lot like you.

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to Bba6]

Thanks, its good to know Im not alone in this. I see others doing things that make them seem successful and they have had hard lives, but I wonder why I have just struggled to exist and feel I have no motivation. Its like I think others are better than me.

[Hidden]

I can definitely relate. For me, there's times I just want to escape reality. And to some extent, that's okay. But I know you can't hide forever. I would try to get something done that is very basic and doable, and then take a break for a little while before starting to work on something else. Be satisfied with small gains. If you start feeling overwhelmed, take a break, come back to it at a different time, or do something not quite as stressful. Take small steps.

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to Hidden]

Thanks that is a realistic approach

[Hidden in reply to FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

Hey I have severe depression myself, I know the territory. Sometimes just getting outside the house or apartment, I feel so much better. Go for a long walk somewhere. At least you moved and got some exercise. I'm at a park right now and I'm so grateful for fresh air.☺

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to Hidden]

Thats great you are out at a park. Im happy to hear you are doing something nice for yourself 😊

[bikinginfall]

I have trouble with my own thoughts too. I realize all my pain is about my thoughts. I need to try to get a handle on them . It's a challenge. My thoughts come from childhood and I have discovered I have PTSD and so I try to have some compassion for myself. I have been in 12 step groups and find they have helped some

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself in reply to bikinginfall]

Thank you for sharing your experience. Thats encouraging to know you understand and have been putting things in place to help yourself. Also, I dont know what the 12 step programme is but Im glad it helped. Having self compassion is so important if youve had ptsd. Im really glad you are aware of that. Thank you for genuine comment.

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

I understand that. Its not nice is it. Ita good you are honest with yourself though. Do you have any idea what you are 'hiding' or 'running' from when you do it? You dont have to tell me. Im just wondering if you know thats all. I think being honest with ourselves is a good step to getting better.

[FeelSoBadAboutMyself]

I understand. The feelings and thoughts can feel so vague cant they...

If you ever want to post about them or talk then feel free. It may help you to express your thoughts to people who wont judge you and care about you.

[Georgio1]

I too don’t like green alone I feel lost don’t want to do any thing when am alone I have to force myself to go out it hard