Hi everyone. I've had severe depression, anxiety, and social anxiety since I was about 5 or 6. Throughout my life it has caused me so many problems and I've always felt like nobody understood, not even those closest to me. I went to numerous counselors from a little girl to present(I'm 24). I found some improvement but I've still had a lot of unresolved issues and I feel my social anxiety is at an all time high. The main issue I'm having now has to do with my family and my new baby.
I had severe preeclampsia and issues with my hEDS(hypermobility ehlers danlos syndrome). This caused me to be hospitalized November 9th and was ordered to stay there until I had my baby. The whole time I was there was grueling, I had a new nurse each day. I had to try to explain my extreme social anxiety each time to a new person and not many people fully understand social aniety or mental illnesses in general.
On November 17th I had my baby via emergency C-section due to my preeclampsia, chorioamnionitis, and a 104 degree fever. My baby was born a month early. I only saw her for 5 seconds and then she was rushed to NICU because she was having trouble breathing. They told my husband they didnt think she would make it. I didn't get to see her again for 2 days. She stayed there for a week where she was mistreated and the nurses broke part of her carseat during the test. During this time my husband also lost his job from staying with us while we were in the hospital.
Before and after she was born, my family wanted to come to the hospital but I was SO SO stressed, i couldnt deal with it. I tried my best to explain this, which some family members ignored and came anyway. I honestly feel like I've developed PTSD from everything that happened, although the family I expressed this to was quick to tell me I didn't.
After this happened I explained to my grandparents how high my social anxiety and depression was from everything and I was told I should be over that by now basically since I'm an adult.
After all of these horrific things my family has helped but has also been very pushy and has guilt tripped me and gossiped about me because I told them I did not want anyone being around my baby until she was 6 months old because her immune system should be more developed by then. We don't want to fake any chances of her ending up in NICU again or losing her ever again. I made a facebook group and explained my whole birth story and my extreme anxiety to my family, hoping this would help but it hasn't.
Majority of my family is very angry with me about this and have been constantly stressing my husband, me, and our miracle baby out. They are taking it personally as if I disowned them or something. I am being guilt tripped on a regular basis by multiple people in my family about letting them see her because they're so excited. While I understand their excitement and wanting to see her, we feel their #1 priority should be her health and not their wants.
I also think it's important to note, the family members that are acting like it's crucial they see her immediately didn't ever want to see me so badly before or come over. They've only been acting so frantic since I've had my baby. I have also had some family members stop speaking to me altogether because they wanted to see her while she was in NICU and couldnt get in because i set up a password to keep out my biological father who was inappropriate with me when i was little. I explained this as well in the facebook group but they did not seem understanding at all and gossiped to the rest of my family that they were upset with me they haven't got to see my baby yet.
This family members mother commented and just said WOW to my long post I'm guessing because she disapproved of us isolating her for 6 months and saying that we're not allowing pictures on any social media of her for her protection.
I have let my grandparents see my baby because she was exposed to their germs while I was pregnant with her since I was around them daily. My grandparents have always been there for me but even they haven't been understanding about this and they keep treating me like a child and like idk how to take care of my own baby. Once when my grandma was over, I asked her to feed my baby while she was holding her because she hasn't eaten in awhile. She ignored me and said she knew what she was doing and would do if later. I also get criticized about many things I'm doing "wrong" with her from them as well.
My baby is 4 months old now and after all of this and the pressure and anxiety I honestly don't even want to have my family meet her at 6 months because I don't know how I could possibly handle my social anxiety and new mommy instincts after they've all been so rude and inconsiderate. Im also breast feeding and I don't want my milk to dry up from stress. This is another issue my family doesn't understand why I'm making it so hard on myself by doing that and I should just put her on formula.
Im so sad about this and I have no idea how to handle this anymore. I honestly don't even want anyone in my home besides my husband, me, and our baby for awhile. I would feel like I need to keep up appearances as far as cleaning the house, making myself look nice, acting happy to see everyone when I'm really stressed and sad about the situation. I dont want to have to be fake and edure so much stress and pain but I also dont want to start drama. I really really could use some support and I'm sorry this is so long.
awesome 👏🏻 x 
Old pictures. 
Why is it that every time something doesn't go my way, I get really upset?
