Isolation, Depression, Anxiety and Grief, oh yeah, and Stress

[Kaelyyna]

I'm pretty isolated, even though my son and his partner live with me. They are pretty wrapped up in each other, which I fully understand. My husband died about three months ago, which is still absolutely devastating, but even before he passed I rarely left the house and even rarer still, without him. Isolation is nothing new to me. It was only about three weeks before my husband's sudden passing that my son and his partner moved in with us actually.

I deal with depression, anxiety, BPD, and various other issues, but am also well spoken, and at times can be somewhat functional. I got moderate, to good, to poor grades in school, depending on my interest and my emotional state. The social atmosphere was hell for me. I wanted to be invisible, to disappear, while also hungry for the positive attention I didn't get at home- such a conundrum. I loved to sing, while having horrific stage fright- a perfect example!

I jumped head first into many relationships. It was a means of escape for me. I found, or thought I found, the acceptance I didn't get at home and couldn't give myself. The problem was, I continuously got into unhealthy relationships, mirroring the relationship with my mother, my own self-hatred, etc. My second husband, my Tom- the love of my life, was different from everyone else. I was finally not alone. I was FINALLY loved and accepted unconditionally. He is the one that just passed. It's been difficult to continue on. I've found myself not wanting to live.... When it got too overwhelming, I reached out to my therapist and psychiatrist, via the crisis line, when I couldn't reach them the regular way. I'm in therapy, on medication, and in group grief support. I also am 9+ years clean and sober. Occasionally, I go to 12 Step meetings.

I am having issues with my hygiene, my laundry has piled up, I sleep on the couch because I can't bear the thought of sleeping in the bed without my dear husband. I need to apply for aid such as Medicaid, Food Stamps, and SSI, (I don't think I've worked enough in the recent past to qualify for Disability). I have a Case Manager/Social Worker through my local mental health clinic, but things aren't getting done very quickly and I'm running into issues with things that should be easy, like applying for Patient Assistance for a couple of medications that don't have anything to do with my psychiatric conditions- those I do get for free, thankfully. I can't seem to find anyone qualified, willing to make a statement regarding my lack of income lol. Anyway, life is frustrating, exhausting, nerve-wracking, sad, gray, lonely, bleak... My profile statement on here is embarrassing, but I am not one to say things I don't mean. I really do hope to make it a more optimistic statement one day.

Just to finish up, I lost the love of my life on November 25, 2017- just three short months ago- then I had to celebrate Christmas, our anniversary on New Year's Eve, his birthday on January 6th, and my birthday on Valentine's Day. I turned 5.0 without him. I'm trying to get my eldest son out of prison in another state, easier said than done, getting that interstate compact... My youngest son left for Marine boot camp on the 5th of February. Five months before my husband died, my mom passed after a rough recovery following mitral valve replacement surgery. That was June 12. Eleven months prior to that, my father died after a brief battle with his fourth cancer, on July 20th. My mother in law died around Mother's Day in May just prior to him. She pretty much drank and smoked herself to death. That was another battle. It's been crazy. Did I forget to mention that my step father escalated into a full blown manic episode for months after mom died? For all I know, he still is raging manic somewhere in the Southwest? No stress. None at all. But I'm still clean. I'm still alive. I wear my husband's wedding ring on my right index finger and my mom's diamond ring on my fight ring finger. I sit and sleep with my husband's favorite pair of shorts. I try to keep my mind busy all the time, even though my body languishes.

I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I'll wake up tomorrow and do it all again. I could use a few friends. I have one or two here in town, I try not to wear them out. I wait for them to contact me, usually.

Be well and love your family. Take care of them. Take care of you.

[fauxartist]

Geeezzzz women you've been through hell, and understandable your still in it. I am sorry your going through so much and very sorry for your loss.

Keep going through the grief counselling, it helped me immensely, then I went through 'letting go' group therapy, art therapy, and meetings, all helped.

I too am in recovery for a number of years, and been through the loss, and you have to give yourself credit for the fact your still fighting, even though you are understandably going through depression plus, how could you not be. If I lost my partner, I would be devastated to say the least. I did have a 15 yr. marriage before this one that I've been in for the last 7 years, and when that 15yr. marriage desolved, it was hell getting over, also had too much death and suicide, of family and friends, loss of my health, job, and home, all during the exact same time, and it went on for 2 years. After it all calmed down, I didn't car if I woke up the next morning. I just sat down in absolute shock, it took me a good few years to even begin to move forward. You will too, you sound like a survivor, even though it does not feel like it now.

So you are not alone by any means here, I am one of hundreds of stories here. This place is safe to share, very understanding people, because many of us are in similar situations so we understand, people here who are very caring. Keep sharing, your a very eloquent and astute writer. I am a writer, and it all stemmed from similar stuff your going through that got me started. Just a thought, it helps me get out of my head and be creative in a positive way now as it did then. And yes I use Word that corrects my bad spelling and checks my grammar, and I don't have a very extensive vocabulary, I write very simply .

[Kaelyyna in reply to fauxartist]

Thanks so much for your reply, fauxartist! It sounds like we have much in common. I'm trying to figure out how to follow you but it eludes me at this point lol. I only joined last night and have managed to make two posts so far! That's progress for me.

I know that helping others gets me out of my head and out of my problems. It's been something I've always found joy in doing. It's a win-win scenario- I have to take care of myself to help others and helping others motivates me to take better care of myself. Self for me, tends to be the last thing I tend to: feeding myself, bathing myself, washing my clothing, cleaning my area, etc. Depression, anxiety, OCD, ADD all tend to complicate these already troublesome tasks for me. It was eh... somewhat easier... when my husband was alive. I had more motivation, someone who understood my issues, someone I could perform these tasks "for", etc. I still had trouble with a lot of it, it's just that now it's exponentially worse.

I really appreciate your feedback and really hope we can become friends. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you need to talk.

Be well <3

[fauxartist in reply to Kaelyyna]

the bathing and laundry will eventually motivate you my friend, been there and done that too, don't worry about it, just go through what you need to do to get through this, all that other stuff will get worked out. Just remember to eat, even if its soups out of a can. Drink water, tea, juice as well, all will help keep your levels up.

[Hidden]

I am so so sorry for the loss of your husband. None of us ever wake up & say Oh today I'm ready to say goodby! I'll be your friend, never can have enough of them! My only ones are on here! Love & big warm hugs for you! XXX

[Kaelyyna in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so very much, anxiety_59! I appreciate the sincere offer and gladly accept.

Love and hugs back! <3

[Hidden]

I promise you I am here for you anytime!!!!!! I know what it's like to lose a loved one, not my hubby, it changes you forever! Love & hugs!!!!!! XXX

[Kaelyyna]

Thanks, anxiety_59 ❤❤ I really appreciate it 😚