I'm pretty isolated, even though my son and his partner live with me. They are pretty wrapped up in each other, which I fully understand. My husband died about three months ago, which is still absolutely devastating, but even before he passed I rarely left the house and even rarer still, without him. Isolation is nothing new to me. It was only about three weeks before my husband's sudden passing that my son and his partner moved in with us actually.
I deal with depression, anxiety, BPD, and various other issues, but am also well spoken, and at times can be somewhat functional. I got moderate, to good, to poor grades in school, depending on my interest and my emotional state. The social atmosphere was hell for me. I wanted to be invisible, to disappear, while also hungry for the positive attention I didn't get at home- such a conundrum. I loved to sing, while having horrific stage fright- a perfect example!
I jumped head first into many relationships. It was a means of escape for me. I found, or thought I found, the acceptance I didn't get at home and couldn't give myself. The problem was, I continuously got into unhealthy relationships, mirroring the relationship with my mother, my own self-hatred, etc. My second husband, my Tom- the love of my life, was different from everyone else. I was finally not alone. I was FINALLY loved and accepted unconditionally. He is the one that just passed. It's been difficult to continue on. I've found myself not wanting to live.... When it got too overwhelming, I reached out to my therapist and psychiatrist, via the crisis line, when I couldn't reach them the regular way. I'm in therapy, on medication, and in group grief support. I also am 9+ years clean and sober. Occasionally, I go to 12 Step meetings.
I am having issues with my hygiene, my laundry has piled up, I sleep on the couch because I can't bear the thought of sleeping in the bed without my dear husband. I need to apply for aid such as Medicaid, Food Stamps, and SSI, (I don't think I've worked enough in the recent past to qualify for Disability). I have a Case Manager/Social Worker through my local mental health clinic, but things aren't getting done very quickly and I'm running into issues with things that should be easy, like applying for Patient Assistance for a couple of medications that don't have anything to do with my psychiatric conditions- those I do get for free, thankfully. I can't seem to find anyone qualified, willing to make a statement regarding my lack of income lol. Anyway, life is frustrating, exhausting, nerve-wracking, sad, gray, lonely, bleak... My profile statement on here is embarrassing, but I am not one to say things I don't mean. I really do hope to make it a more optimistic statement one day.
Just to finish up, I lost the love of my life on November 25, 2017- just three short months ago- then I had to celebrate Christmas, our anniversary on New Year's Eve, his birthday on January 6th, and my birthday on Valentine's Day. I turned 5.0 without him. I'm trying to get my eldest son out of prison in another state, easier said than done, getting that interstate compact... My youngest son left for Marine boot camp on the 5th of February. Five months before my husband died, my mom passed after a rough recovery following mitral valve replacement surgery. That was June 12. Eleven months prior to that, my father died after a brief battle with his fourth cancer, on July 20th. My mother in law died around Mother's Day in May just prior to him. She pretty much drank and smoked herself to death. That was another battle. It's been crazy. Did I forget to mention that my step father escalated into a full blown manic episode for months after mom died? For all I know, he still is raging manic somewhere in the Southwest? No stress. None at all. But I'm still clean. I'm still alive. I wear my husband's wedding ring on my right index finger and my mom's diamond ring on my fight ring finger. I sit and sleep with my husband's favorite pair of shorts. I try to keep my mind busy all the time, even though my body languishes.
I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I'll wake up tomorrow and do it all again. I could use a few friends. I have one or two here in town, I try not to wear them out. I wait for them to contact me, usually.
Be well and love your family. Take care of them. Take care of you.