Is anyone else invisible?

[jawsfan7]

My sister died last year. During the last months of her life, I was deeply involved with her caretaking. After her death, it seems that my personal support system has fallen apart, and that I'm clinging to the shreds of it with desperation. My parents are both elderly and suffering their own depression. They are still married. I think my dad would like it if I visited more, with my son, or on my own, but my mom is so miserable she pretty much blocks us out unless it's absolutely necessary that I come over.

I do not speak to my sister's husband or son. My ex brother in law left my sister's ashes in the funeral home for months rather than bringing her home. I found out that it was because he had his girlfriend move in with him and my nephew not long after my sister died. Sorry to hold a grudge, but that was the last straw of several unforgivable behaviors that I witnessed during my time at their house. My nephew is left hanging because though I encourage him to reach out if he needs help, he prefers not to do so. He and I lost contact after we spread my sister's ashes (after I picked her up from the funeral home). It's not that I don't want to talk to my nephew, I just don't know how to...especially after realizing how adrift he is and that he is not getting any help from his father, whatsoever. It's almost a case of not wanting to be involved in any more of their family drama.

I gave up on counting on my inlaws for any support years ago, when I went to them for suggestions with problems Husband and I were having and was told it was unimportant.

During all of this my own husband (of 16 years) and son were supportive of me, as were my coworkers. However, in the last year or so, I have noticed that it seems like I'm only visible to my husband in terms of the things I don't do. Same with my coworkers. I work my ass off to keep up with the household responsibilities and the workload at my office, and never get a thank you. Instead, I just get handed more shit to deal with. Literally and figuratively. (the literal: we have two dogs of which I am the sole pooper scooper, and apparently, our failing septic system is my problem to try and fix. the figurative: everyone else's problems)

Husband and I used to be absolute best friends. We have grown so far apart that I don't even know who he is anymore, much less myself. It's a struggle to find anything in common with him other than our son. Lately we don't even spend much time together. I've been informed that my presence is more of a stress and a nuisance than a joy, when I took the time to sit down with DH and ask him some questions about where he's coming from lately. He is going through a very stressful time at work, so I understand the need to not "people" to some extent.

All in all, I have grown very frustrated, resentful and depressed. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. I spend too much time thinking that I'm not good enough. (this is an extreme 180 degree swing from my usual state of huge ego / overconfidence)

Constantly trying to break down the barrier between myself and my husband and being constantly rejected is burning me out. There is no overt abuse or animosity between Husband and I. On the surface, we're functional and deal with the day to day logistics of family life all right. The underlying apathy is the problem.

I'm tired of being the instigator and catalyst of everything, from trying to work on my marriage to organizing get togethers with friends or family. I have noticed that when I don't reach out, nobody checks in or reaches out to me. Example: I could fall off Facebook for months and not get one "Are you ok?" from any of that superficial network. It seems that the only time I truly get noticed by anyone other than my son, it's due to something I have not done.

My son is 13...I do not wish to create an unhealthy relationship with him also....I cannot heap all my emotional well being onto his shoulders. I want to avoid that at all costs. It looks like my sister did that to my nephew, and it ended up crippling his maturity. No way do I wish to repeat her mistakes!

I don't know how to get past this impasse in my life.

[Hidden]

Hi sorry for your loss.It looks like you are grieving and your husband,son and coworkers dont know how to deal with it.I think you should find a grief therapist and a family therapist as well.You can also look for a grief/depression support group in your area.

[jawsfan7 in reply to Hidden]

thank you! I did try a family therapist for a few months and felt like it was going nowhere. We kept getting hung up on issues that are not my priority. I think being able to be present and enjoy my family is important and takes precedence, not the relationships I have with others outside my immediate family. I have not looked for a grief therapist, maybe that will be my next step. In person support groups scare the hell out of me. I've never done one. Have you? Did you find it helpful?

[Hidden in reply to jawsfan7]

Yes i did attend several in person depression support groups.I was disappointed because I was hoping to find other people that suffered from social anxiety but at the same time it was a comfort to know that alot of people are struggling from some type of mental illness and I wasnt alone with that.

Zach1208 responded to PLEASE BE HONEST

[jawsfan7 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the honest response Mrjingles! You are so brave for trying! I don't "people" very well. I have a difficult time talking face to face to people I don't know, especially in group settings, which is why a support group scares me. You've inspired me though...I will check and see if there is a grief group in my area and give it a shot.

[6ixtyon1]

You aren't doing anything wrong--I don't know how your physical health is, at the moment (I hope it is good!), but I'm going to offer some advice that I know my mom and her best friend experienced with marriage/work/family, as they aged: make a life for yourself, while you still can! People grow up, grow old and can change--sometimes, drastically. By the time my own mother was bedfast, and I was her caretaker, it was shocking the minute amount of time her friends would then spend with her, unless it was on the phone. Her best friend that I previously mentioned is excused from this, as she was a generation older and having her own serious health issues--she always did the best that she could to ask after my mom and talk with her on the phone. Sadly, she passed away four months after my mom. As for family, everyone misses my mom, now, but no one had time for her--really, super-close time/discussions--while she was alive...she was "only a housewife," it seemed, and not doing "anything interesting," though she was vitally fighting to keep herself close to all of us, as she declined. Jawsfan7, do yourself a favor: little by little, start carving out a "fresh" life for yourself. Do nothing overtly to cut yourself off from anyone, but understand this: it's ALL a two-way street. If you are holding up the entire bridge from only your end, it's either time to give everyone one last chance, or build something else, just for you. Don't wait until you can't walk towards something new...do it, now...start today. Blessings and light to you, on your journey!

[jawsfan7 in reply to 6ixtyon1]

Thank you so much for this heartfelt response 6ixtyon1!! I truly appreciate it. I had a long conversation with my mom on the phone today and she literally gave me the same advice. She regrets that she and my dad didn't make more connections outside of their own relationship, as now they are elderly and have few friends left, and she doesn't want that to happen to me. I'm going to try not to let it happen to me! It's hard to meet new people and make new friends / try new hobbies etc when a person is as introverted as I am, but I think it's important that I stretch my boundaries a little.

[6ixtyon1 in reply to jawsfan7]

Hoping all goes well with your journey! :>) Blessings to you and your parents, as well.

[Rachel2535]

Jawsfan7 - My heart aches for you as you went through such a huge loss. Grief is a funny thing is sneaks up on you without you knowing until everything around you and in you starts falling apart. I saw that you mentioned seeing a therapist....sometimes it takes a few try’s to find a good one. There are a few places online to get a referral for a good therapist....I know if you call eight five five -771 - 4357 they have many resources to help you find one that would fit your preferences. Just an idea...but it would help to talk to someone who knows how to walk you through this time. It took me years to grieve something in my life and I honestly had no idea I was grieving until it was pointed out to me. I pray you find help working through this. There is happiness, healing and love beyond the sorrow. Praying for you and your family -Rachel

[jawsfan7 in reply to Rachel2535]

thank you Rachel! You are so right in how weird grief is, and how it affects everything. I thought I was doing pretty good until a couple of weeks ago, when I suddenly just felt so tired of trying to be everything all the time. I quit taking my antidepressants several months ago and that is probably part of the reason for the fog lifting. Probably a stupid move on my part, but I'd rather feel real feelings than be all chill all the time...that's not quite healthy either!

[Rachel2535 in reply to jawsfan7]

Yes sadly antidepressants just numb everything so you never really work through what you need to when you are on them. We need to feel emotions we were made with them for a reason even when they are hard to deal with. Don’t get me wrong there is a time for them but when it comes to feeling what you need to feel it is helpful not to be on them.