Anxiety and Panic attacks and Depression are ruining my life

Hi everyone I’m new to this online support team, I have been diagnosed with anxiety just last year but I am well aware that I have had it for many years b4. I don’t have any friends at all who I can speak to and only people I actually speak to are my therapist and my husband . I don’t make friends easy mainly bc I don’t feel like I can trust people and feel like I will be judged. I had a best friend b4 a friend for nearly 30 years who I thought I could trust but she just ended up judging me and putting me more down than what I already am . Here’s the truth I’ve been married for 15 years to my high school sweetheart and we have one teenage son ,over the years my relationship with my husband has had its many ups and downs but not to the point where I would think he wanted to leave me . About 3 years ago I found out that he wanted out of our marriage from his mother who just so happen to mentions that he asked her if he can move back in with her. At this time my husband hasn’t even mentioned he wanted to separate to me, so u can imagine how I felt hearing this from his mother who by the way we were extremely close . Of course I didn’t want to end my marriage bc I did and still do love him , once I confronted him he became extremely mean to me to the point where he would tell me who would want someone like You because I don’t and telling me I can’t get anyone , this drove me absolutely upset i was devastated,The stuff he was telling me had me so depressed feeling really bad about myself I had only been with him my whole life so for him to talk to me like this I was just so sad and furious at the same time, we didn’t have the best marriage but I didn’t think we were that bad we met when he was 15 and I was 17 and got married as soon as he turned 18 . I went against everything I believed in and had an affair with someone who I was not attracted to nor would o have ever dated in my life only reason I chose him was because I was cool with him that’s it and he was an older man ( my supervisor) who wasn’t about running his mouth. The reason for my affair was really just upset and hurt and basically just proving to myself that I can get someone now don’t get me wrong I am aware that my actions were completely wrong and I hold myself 100% accountable for it there is always another solution and I didn’t have to pick that . I obviously got caught and he left me for about a month but we we were still in contact with one another. Bc of me he doesn’t speak to my family and I don’t speak to his despite the fact that we are together living together and still married . I just have a lot of regret in me depression, anxiety and it tares me into pieces everyday , besides the fact that he brings it up whenever possible. It’s like I can not move on and I can not forgive myself knowing that he doesn’t and will never forgive me as he has said . My life became a bigger mess when my mother passed a year ago my only confidant that I had . My husband didn’t even come to her funeral I was standing there alone with my son. I have never felt so alone in my life . Like I said I have no friends at all I am living a miserable life where sometimes all u need is someone to talk to to without judgement just to get some stuff off your chest . I’m sorry this is such a big message I’m just going through a lot and I just feel hopeless . I wish I can have my old life back and erase everything this just haunts me .

[Theloudone]

Hi Ellie. Welcome. Seems like you are dealing with a lot!

I can relate to the feeling of having NO one to talk to.

I’m sorry you only had your son at your mothers funeral- I can imagine how isolating that feels

Are you guys getting a divorce officially? I hope you are able to separate so you don’t have to see him everyday and be reminded. Especially when he is saying stuff that he shouldn’t and is not true!

I lost my best friend and the one I confide in in May. Message me anytime you want to talk judgment free.

[Hidden in reply to Theloudone]

Hello thanks , no we are not getting a divorce we are back together things are just a bit rough between us , bc he says he can never trust me again which I can understand bc I stepped out in my marriage, our families still don’t speak to each other in fact when everything first came out that I cheated his mom came and knocked on my moms door who at the time was really sick can barely walk and started cursing at her telling her I’m a slut and a whole bunch of stuff . Not to mention that she also called my father and told him that I was just like him a cheater and just calling me names more specifically a puta . No parent wants to hear that from anyone . My family are more of a ok this is ur marriages how do u want to handle this , they do not interfere they are just there supporting me his family on the other hand gets involved . I just don’t know what to do

[Theloudone in reply to Hidden]

Oh gotcha. Is he open to therapy. I can imagine he feels like he can’t ever trust right now you because you guys haven’t worked through it. Try not to best yourself up over the past because the past is the past. I’m not saying what he did was right, or what you did, but you have to know it is not all on you! I

[Hidden in reply to Theloudone]

Yes we have tried couples counseling b4 and after he found out I cheated but it didn’t help we just got angry and left worst than when we came in . Smh I just don’t know what to do my anxiety is sky rocket and I have been prescribed Xanax but bc if the type of work that I do and the side affects of it I can put people life in danger they do random testing at my job . And my job is considered a very safe sensitive job.

[Theloudone in reply to Hidden]

It’s definitely hard (couples counseling) it brings up sooo much- and I’m not surprised that you felt worse after.

(This happened to us, and then We switched therapists )

I also agree that a divorce is best for your health. You can’t be with someone that doesn’t love you. Plus you have to love yourself first- love all of you- even the part that cheated.

Xanax is good for a quick relief for me, but it’s almost like a bandaid- the pain and anxiety will resurface. Have you thought of antidepressants

[EsmeLu in reply to Hidden]

The doctor can prescribe medications that won’t interfere with your job. You have to start somewhere.

[EsmeLu in reply to Hidden]

And how did everyone find out? Did you tell them? Have you seen a therapist for your mental health and marital issues? If you haven’t, you should. You need someone to talk to who is a professional. Someone who can guide you and who you know is on your side. A marriage without trust, like a friendship without trust can’t work. You need to start fixing this from the ground up. And that begins with your mental health. Otherwise, nothing will get better, it will only get worse. You, your husband, and especially your son, deserve better. Once you’re better and stronger you can address the issue of finding new friends. I wish you the best.

[Hidden]

I'm sorry you are going through that and don't have anyone you feel safe enough to confide in. I am here if you want you can message me anytime you need to. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I think the best thing you could do for your wellbeing is divorce him. He doesn't respect you based on how he treats you and speaks to you. And he certainly can not love you, how can anyone say those things to someone they love and then not apologize afterwards. I admit I said some.pretty hurtful things to my ex, in the heat of an argument. But after we've calmed down we'd always apologize to each other and make up. You deserve to be happy, healthy and loved. Not made to feel worthless especially from the one person who's supposed to love, honor and protect you. I wish you peace. And as I said I'm here whenever you need me. Sending irie vibes to you, one love.✌🖤

[Hidden]

Hello Ellie and welcome!

I’m so sorry to hear of your difficulties with your husband - have you tried couples counselling? Is this something you would both try as a way to try and help you move forward?

I have tried couples counselling before and it was really useful - I think both parties have to be open to it though.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Yes we did try couples counseling 3 of them 2 before he found out I cheated and 1 after it didn’t go so well to be honest .we always left worse than how we went in

[Jeff1943]

Sorry ellie but I think your marriage ended a long time ago and for your future happiness you should now recognise that. People change, he may have been a good man once but he is no longer so.

Start to plan your exit in terms of a place to live, income to support yourself, the impact on your son. You deserve someone better to spend your life with. Do it sooner rather than later whilst you've still half a life left.

[Hidden]

I'm thinking to myself that there were probably already some serious things going on wrong with your marriage before you had the affair, and then after that now it's all gotten really bad. People usually don't cheat unless they are already unhappy. I don't know if this can be fixed. I don't know what else to say, I'm not in your shoes, but from what you've written it seems like a bad situation and divorce might be what's for the best.

[Vicki59]

My pastor says regret is the cancer of life. We can’t change the past, so you will have to focus on yourself and try to get healthy again. We all need self love before we can correctly love someone else. I feel for you. It sounds like you are still in a broken-hearted situation. I am single now and have had 5 marriages. I can relate but your son is who you need to be strong for. When you get your light back it will automatically draw people to you and they will see your glow. Hang in there.

[cbgrace1980]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Don't try to do it alone: we are here for you anytime you need to vent. Let us know how we can help you!