My son decided to come out as female a month before my husband died. In the hospital he always referred to himself using his birth name. When my husband died and I used his birth name in the obituary because we had numerous friends and coworkers who did not know about the transition and I felt it was my husband's story. Coming back from making the final arrangements he demanded that I use his new name even though I explained what my boundary was. I received a nasty email telling me not to contact him ever again and he was mourning the loss of both of us. He then trashed me to my family and friends and trashed me on Facebook. No empathy at all and its over a year and no questions about my husband's final arrangements. The stress and anxiety is great. We put him through medical school and totally remodeled his house so I don't think we deserve this but what do I know.
Trans son cut me out of life - Anxiety and Depre...
Trans son cut me out of life
that sounds really stressful and like there’s a lot going on there emotionally for everyone involved… I’m part of the lgtbqia+ community and have a few friend that identify as transgender. I’d like to run it by them and see what they think if that’s okay/something you’re interested in—I feel like they may be able to give some insight
That would be wonderful. As I told him for once its not all about him but rather his father. He has a lot of narcissistic traits as well. But to be treated so terribly at such a stressful time. His wife also detached from us. I have nothing against trans I just want respect during a horrible time.
What I meant is that he demanded I change the obituary because as he said well he can't read. I felt that was unnecessary cruel and entitled. He also cut his only brother out of his life too because he said he has a new family. Very very stressful and anxiety provoking. But hopefully you can provide insight .
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I hope you have a support group of friends and/or family to help you navigate the loss of your husband and your son. I am no expert on the matter but had an acquaintance that went through something similar. She had a son who came out as Trans and she fully accepted his decision, supported him financially as needed, included him in all family functions but they choose to cut her out of their life if she used the wrong pronoun or preferred name by mistake. I'm not sure why the underlying anger is there but I do know that all you can do is love them, let them know you love them, and remind them that the door is always open should they want mens fences.
Be well.
Exactly we had no problem accepting what he wanted to do but I felt that I wanted my husband's life to reflect who he was. He had dementia the last 2 years so had no way of knowing what was going on. I think it has a lot to do with his new support group who thinks this behavior is okay. I have lots of support but it still hurts to be treated like this at a super stressful time. We are not talking about a young person. He is 60. And yes we included him in all the functions but not anymore. So far he has lost his family his extended family and his considerable inheritance.
Wow, at 60 years of age, I would think he'd behave a bit more sensibly. I'm sure there is an outside influence dictating his behavior. Hopefully he will come around before it's too late
It’s awful what you are going through at this time. You have a right to be in control of your husbands last wishes and only you know what they would be. I feel, from my experiences of life, that you need to back off from your Son and the more you chase him the worse it will become. He is not looking at reality right now. As you say, he has lost his family etc., and the LOVE of his Mother. It is time that will heal this situation, when he is humbled and realises that this is not all about him and he needs to look beyond himself and the effect his behaviour has had on all those that love him. Rest assured he will miss you, and probably need you in the future. Go ahead with your plans and do not be bullied. The more upset he sees you the more he is in control. Don’t give in to him. All you can do is be there for him when he comes running back. Things go wrong for all of us, and he is no exception. Keep strong.
Thanks for the kind comments. Right now I am respecting his wishes for no contact. And it doesn't seem to bother him at all or his wife. No questions about how you are managing no questions about his dad.he lives 6 minutes away. As I told him this was not about him but rather what I needed at the time. It just seems he took away our grief and made it harder to move forward as he wanted all the attention focused on him. It's really sad as he was given absolutely everything. No debt for medical school. Totally renovated houses. My husband was an excellent carpenter and teacher. No thanks for that only snide comments about how this was wrong or that was wrong.
You don't seem to have accepted her change, still referring to them as 'he'. It was really unfortunate for them to come out when you are grieving the loss of your husband, and to have no care for your feelings is bad.
I have trans friends, several of them. I accept them as they present themselves.
Cheers, Midori
My sympathies on the loss of your husband.
Thanks so much it is difficult to lose a life partner of over 60 years especially when we were with each other 27 7 the last 30 years because of retirement or having our own business.
Certainly u don't deserve it
I did not forget… I got really detailed responses that I’m gonna try and condense and then I’ll post 
it was really interesting- to me at least- even being a part of the lgtbqia+ community, I never realized just how different and honestly more difficult-my own opinion- things are for people who identify as transgender- there were so many things that they had to be concerned about that I take for granted (like using the bathroom in public if it’s not a single person one).
Off topic alittle- but I’ll try to get it up if you’re still interested
Yes please
Very sorry for your loss and the stress. It sounds very painful for you and the timing was awful. At the same time, as someone from the lgbtq+ community, it's upsetting to witness the repeated misgendering and misunderstanding of how vital it is for parents and loved ones to use a persons chosen name and pronouns when they come out as trans. I expect you are both really hurting here.
To rebuild your relationship with your child the first (and essential step) is to start using her correct name and pronouns. It may feel hard for you to do so, but it will get easier and will mean the world to your child.This resource may be helpful:
hrc.org/resources/transgend...
With kind regards.
So bad behaviour is alright from a member of your commuity.
that’s really hard for you to deal with,at least you have another son.
It's difficult for you both,especially at such a traumatic time. My son is Bi, It's fine by me; I don't want to get in the way of anyone's personal feelings about themselves. I remember desperately wanting to be a boy as a child, and would build dens, mess about near the river, etc.etc. As I grew older, I began to see advantages in being a girl, and puberty put the lid on it!
Cheers, Midori
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