not sure what's happening to me

[alisonyx]

Hi everyone,

First off, I'm new here so I'm not quite sure what protocol/etiquette is for posts. I looked around online for forums where I could discuss my issues with anxiety/depression/bipolar disorder (see what I mean? There's a lot going on and I'm trying to parcel through it...) and wound up finding this site.

So basically about a month or six weeks ago I had this weird moment where I drove home from work and couldn't get out of the car. I just sat there. I didn't want to move or do anything, just stared ahead. Then my boyfriend came outside and tried to talk to me but left me alone because he thought I wanted space (really I just felt completely frozen and didn't know what to say to him). Finally I got up and when I went inside he literally had to help me undress and get out of my work clothes/into bed/etc.

Then maybe a week or two after that I had this weird urge to go outside in my underwear and lay in the rain under a tree. I did it for maybe an hour? I hid behind a tree though because I didn't want neighbors to see me (so at least I had a little bit of sense left in me...) Then I got really cold so I went inside.

This past Tuesday the worst thing happened. I was screaming and crying in my car after class. I had no idea what was going on or why I was feeling like that. I have klonopin that I'm supposed to take (in small doses) if I feel the onset of symptoms, but 1. things had never gotten this bad before and 2. I drive to school and I didn't want to risk driving and taking klonopin. Anyway, I was crying hysterically, I mean HYSTERICALLY, in my car and I banged my head on the steering wheel a little bit, hit myself in the side of the head, etc. Weird self-injurious stuff that I've never done before. Finally I knew I had to get out of there and made the drive home -- definitely didn't feel safe. I was speeding through a residential neighborhood and I knew it but I had to get home. I was filled with dread at getting home, even though I knew my boyfriend wasn't there. I just didn't want to be in this lonely place that I've started to associate with complete loneliness and isolation.

When I got home, the worst urge came over me. I went into the bathroom, took out a nail scissor, and cut myself in the stomach. Like snipped at my stomach with the scissors, not just dragged it across my stomach to make a cut. Straight up snipping at my skin. And then I felt this bizarre euphoria, like laughing and just feeling sort of high almost? And I just calmly went into bed. Then I took a nail file and started to file over these scabs I had on my hands because I wanted to see more blood.

I've NEVER done anything self-injurious in my life. I've dealt with anxiety and depression for at least about 16 years or so (I'm 26 now) and have been on various antidepressants for maybe five or six years. Currently, I take Effexor 150mg and Lamictal, which has just been increased from 100 to 150 and now I'm at 200. Definitely haven't been feeling any better but I think it does take a little while.

I've never felt suicidal before either. I run through all the things in my head that keep me going -- my boyfriend, my mom, my niece and my nephews. Honestly my dog too, even if that sounds silly. I can't imagine leaving any of those people (or animal).

But just now I got my first suicidal thought ever. No idea where it came from or what is happening. And it was small, just creeping up the back of my head. But I thought well, hmm, dying might not be so bad.

Is it my medication that's doing this to me? Is it that black box warning you see on every antidepressant that warns you that there's a risk of suicide with these meds?? Am I having some sort of weird adverse reaction to these meds? I've been on Effexor for about two years now (before that Prozac, which was making me hypomanic on a high dose) and Lamictal maybe for...four years? Five years? Not sure.

My doctor wants me to start taking 25mg Seroquel at night. He says this should be a temporary thing. But how can all of this be temporary? Everything is only getting worse.

And the weirdest thing is that I'll be totally fine like an hour or two later. Making jokes and smiling. It makes no sense. What is happening to me? Has anyone ever experienced something like this? My doctor thinks it's panic attacks but... I don't know, this seems way more extreme. And there's no like suppressed breathing or racing heartbeat or anything, more like racing thoughts I can't control, and repeated thoughts over and over again ("Why is this happening why is this happening why is this happening" etc).

Sorry I know that was a lot. Does anyone have any insight on this? Any thoughts are appreciated.

[Agora1]

alisonyx, this definitely needs to be addressed by a psychiatrist. Especially before you introduce yet another med Seroquel. It could be medication cause, although usually that happens in the earlier stages of starting new meds. It is not a normal reaction to anxiety/depression and your emotionally status needs to be re-evaluated for your safety. Keep us updated on your progress. We care and we support you. Stay safe, Stay strong. xx

[alisonyx in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for your support When I refer to my doctor I'm actually talking about my psychiatrist, whom I've been seeing for two years now, and is the one who has put me on all these various meds. I'm willing to take the Seroquel because I'm willing to do anything at this point, and I also know that I'm being closely monitored by him. We're upping our sessions to two a week and also looking into group therapy of some kind that I can add to my regimen.

I just want to understand what's happening to me :/ Thank you for your kind words <3

[Agora1 in reply to alisonyx]

alisonyx, Of course I agree, you need to know what is happening to you. I'm glad that it is a psychiatrist overseeing your issue. Seeing him twice a week and adding a group therapy sounds like a good plan. I wish you my best in getting the answers you want as well as doing better. Stay positive. We are always here if you need a listening ear. xx

[Hidden]

Hi Alisonyx.

I have also tried antidepressants to treat PTSD. Specifically, Trazodone and Prozac. Trazodone made me have a full on panic attack while on public transit which had never happened to me before. I took Prozac for six months and then weened myself off it because although it was making me feel somewhat calmer, my decision making was wildly out of sync with reality.

I guess when you are taking a mix of meds you have to be so careful. In my experience it numbs you to the point where you don't realize how bad things are, so if you are self-harming you may not realize what you are doing at the time.

Definitely I would consult with your psychiatrist. And beware of just piling on new medications. I think there are ways to develop coping mechanisms naturally, like deep breathing, chanting "I am safe," drinking relaxing tea, doing repetitive tasks like cleaning or sewing or cooking, eating well. The most straight forward cures are the ones that help the most in the long term. Meds are heavy duty- like a "lifeboat" when you are struggling the most. If you can, try to heal yourself naturally so you are actually making the real changes not just feeling artificially better .

Be gentle with yourself xo and try to separate yourself from your mind a bit. Thoughts are not real, just clouds passing by so if you allow them to pass over and not take them so seriously it helps.

Little traveller

[Calm_breathe]

Hi Alison,

Really sorry to hear of your pain -emotional and physical :-(.

maybe I can help a bit- I've been on medications for 10 years + in the last 5 months I've just tapered/come off a range of antidepressants and anxiety medications including seroquel which I was on for a number of years. My usual dose of seroquel was 275mg per night, and was largely to help me sleep better, without it my sleep was full of trauamatic dreams every night and I would wake up exhausted.

So..seroquel did help in that regard, and helped calm the agitated ruminating thoughts however it can make you feel sedated during the day also- this may be ok for you and possibly help with your situation. I would recommend discussing with your psych doctor.

25mg is not a large dose, however your body does adjust to it, and it is not a medication that I would recommend taking one week and then stopping the next- withdrawl symptions may be very nasty.

Good luck with your visit with your psych doctor- I hope you both find a solution for you in the short term and long term which could include medications.

One thing I've learnt for me over the years of my own mental and physical health chaos is that the medications become less effective and more and more are prescribed -which can become a ongoing cycle-and still have the underlying causes to deal with or it gets worse.

I would definetly recommend also exploring other forms of therapy- group therapy, one on one therapy, online support groups (here, big white wall, anxiety.com- as these can all be helpful).

I'd highly recommend building up a wellbeing toolkit for yourself- healthy eating, exercise (all types even walking, just regularly is really important) ,

Personally I found mindfulness was ok when I'm not having mental issues but ineffective when I'm in red alert mode for anxiety, and depression.

I've just started meditation and am finding it helpful even though I'm in depression and anxious at the moment- been doing it it daily and it seems to have a positive impact.

I really wish you all the best- it sounds like you are going through a horrible time right now, and hope with the support of your friends and family plus med experts you get on track for a full recovery.