Locked in, or locked out?

[EricJones]

If I'm out and about and my concentration is on someone else. Like non-verbally I'm locked in on someone sitting at another table (for example). Will others turn back and lock in on me, or will they just ignore me?

[-Charlie]

It depends. If you’re glancing casually then no one will notice. If you’re staring intensely others may look at you and wonder what’s up out of curiosity.

[EricJones in reply to -Charlie]

I mean my non-verbal behavior. Since my awareness is on them, so is my body. I'm wondering if people can tell by my body that I'm focused on them.

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

Oh sorry I thought you meant locked in as in your eyes looking at someone. How are you locking in? Do you mean with sounds?

People don’t pay attention to subtle body language. Not really. Their too into their own thoughts or whatever they’re doing or focusing on. Unless your arms are waving wildly around, people aren’t zoomed in on you like you think they are. Remember what you said last week - observe, allow, accept …then you can ignore. I was really happy for you when I saw you thinking that way. I forgot to say anything to you but that’s a great technique for you to practice. 👍 Do you find it’s helping?

[EricJones in reply to -Charlie]

Can you explain to me what I said? I don't remember my last post. "observe, allow, accept" what did I mean by that?

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

I was semi-paraphrasing from what I remember. You mentioned a technique where by you wondered if by acknowledging the sounds, accepting that they are there and can’t harm you would allow you to let them fall back into the background, hence being able to somewhat ignore them. Here’s the link to your post 👇

healthunlocked.com/anxietys...

My apologies if I misunderstood what you meant but it sounded like a step in the right direction as acknowledging and accepting things like anxiety or hyper vigilance can often be more than half the battle to overcoming it and lessening our focus on it.

[EricJones in reply to -Charlie]

So, what was the correlation to people and wondering if they would pay attention to my non-verbal behaviors because I was paying attention to theirs?

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

it’s a similar distinction you’re making in your mind. What you think people are seeing, hearing, or noticing (via body language) is only your perception. Not there’s. If you accept the sounds they won’t bother you. If you accept that you’re not displaying any noticeable body language, you’ll lose interest in worrying about it by default. The mind will continuously focus on what it fears. Fear is overcome by surrender and acceptance.

For example, I had really bad panic attacks. My fear became fearing an attack. The more I let fear overcome me the more the attacks would happen. I eventually got tired of fighting them so I just surrendered one day and said okay I’m done fighting. If you’re going to kill me or send me into a heart attack then go ahead because I’m done fighting and looking for answers. This is it, if it’s the end of me I’m ok with it. Whatever happens, happens. The minute I completely surrendered to the fear it began to go away. For the first time I just relaxed and gave up. This quickly lowered my fight or flight response. It had no power over me because I didn’t fight it. I continued to do this and the attacks begin to stop. It’s mind over matter. What you believe is happening is not true. It’s the illusion of fear and paranoia. It’s not real.

Ask yourself this: What proof do I have that people are noticing non-verbal things about me? Hard proof - meaning people bring it up to you or ask you if you’re ok. How often have people asked me about my non-verbal body language? What proof do I have that people are able to notice that I hear sounds? Without proof of these things, you’ve got no logical case against yourself.

[-Charlie in reply to -Charlie]

Also, what proof do you have that people think you’re paying attention to their body language? Have they said something? Even if they might think you’re noticing something about them, they don’t have the fear or concern. It means nothing to them. Paranoia can be very convincing but it’s never based in reality or facts.

[EricJones]

So, all my fears are probably not noticed by other people. People don't care about it like I do? People won't say anything to me about it if they do notice me?

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

That’s exactly correct!! You got it!! People can’t see things that are going on inside other peoples minds such as fear and paranoia. You are completely normal to them so there’s nothing for them to notice or say.

[EricJones in reply to -Charlie]

Unless it's really outward and expressive? What do people think if you pause your speech because you're distracted? Will they just wait until you finish without judgment?

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

Yes, unless it’s outwardly expressive like waiving your arms around. People would notice that because the movement would get their attention.

Pausing when speaking is completely normal. I do that sometimes if I’m distracted by something while I’m talking to someone or if I lose my train of thought for a few moments. People understand that and don’t judge others for it. They will wait for you to finish speaking even if you have to pause. We all do that sometimes.

[EricJones in reply to -Charlie]

I'm feeling excessively paranoid right now. I believe that others will call me out for it once they see that I'm reacting to every little detail. What's the reality of my thoughts? Is it likely to happen that others will be aware of me reacting to them, and to others around me?

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

Hey buddy! You’re ok. Take some deep breaths and drink some water. The reality of the situation is that your thoughts are leading you to believe untruths. You’re overthinking it and imagining that people can read your mind. They can’t. They can’t react to something they don’t see. How do you feel that you might be reacting to them? Do you feel like your body is overreacting in some way?

[EricJones in reply to -Charlie]

I feel like I'm unsafe and that my body movements are excessive and noticeable.

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

Are you in a safe environment right now? Can you get outside and walk around a bit, get some fresh air, somewhere that you can take some slow deep breaths and get a different perspective?

[EricJones in reply to -Charlie]

I could but I have social anxiety. It's really hard for me to leave the house. So that I can try to calm down from the paranoia. Is it safe to say that others don't care to notice my body movements?

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

Yes it is safe for you to say that. They don’t care. They are in their own heads about their own stuff they have going on in their own minds. They’re not noticing or paying attention. This is your mind playing tricks on you. I understand if you can’t leave the house. Can you walk around to different areas or rooms just to move around a little? Keep telling yourself that what you’re thinking just isn’t true because it’s not. Remember our thoughts need to be based on real evidence and facts. If no one has said anything and you’re not moving around wildly, you’re all good. I promise! If it helps, tell me something about what you’ve been up to? Have you been playing basketball? My KC Chiefs lost big time in the Superbowl.☹️

[EricJones in reply to -Charlie]

Haha to my Philadelphia Eagles haha. So, even if my movements are constant people don't care?

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

Oh no…you’re an Eagles fan? 😱 We might not be able to be friends anymore. This changes everything.🤣🤣

No people don’t care. I don’t mean that people are unkind or uncaring they just don’t pay attention unless you’re in their face and moving around in an attempt to get their attention. People don’t notice small movements. They just don’t. Do these people have cell phones or computers? My guess is they’re engrossed in that or video games. Or their watching Super Bowl highlights for the 100th time.🙄

You got this. It’s all good.

[EricJones in reply to -Charlie]

You're a really nice person and very helpful.

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

Why thank you Eric! That’s very kind of you to say. You ask questions. I like people who ask questions. It shows you’re curious and open minded. That’s my kind of people.

How you doing today? Everything ok?

[EricJones in reply to -Charlie]

No. I'm still really paranoid. Assume that everyone knows my thoughts. Assume they can read my body language and that they're judging me really harshly because of this.

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

They don’t know your thoughts. Unless they’re super psychic or mind readers which are like one in a million. But here’s the thing: Forget the body language thing for a second. Let’s say hypothetically that someone did know your thoughts. What would be the worst possible outcome of that? Not everyone is judgy. People are more empathetic and understanding than you think.

[EricJones in reply to -Charlie]

They'll think that I'm a lunatic because I relate everything in the external environment to myself and then they'd say "get over yourself! You raging lunatic!"

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

Do you know this for a fact? Has this happened? If so, tell them to go jump in a lake. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has issues and flaws. Anyone who tells you to get over yourself is not over themselves. They’re projecting their insecurities onto you by saying that so don’t put any merit on anyone who would say that.

[EricJones in reply to -Charlie]

I could really use someone to talk to today. Will you be available?

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

Yes of course. I’m here for you. Message me anytime. I’m happy to help.

[EricJones]

If I have (darting head movements) do people pick up on them? If they do notice them, will they say anything to me about it or will they just leave it alone and assume I'm reacting to me and me only.

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

I’d say that 99% of the people won’t even notice. There might be that one odd person (you know, the really observant type who’s just sitting back studying people) who might notice. But most likely they’d just think ‘oh well ok maybe his neck hurts or he’s just really quick and checking things out around him.’ That’s what I would think.

This is assuming your head is not going from the left to right and back and forth really really fast. That might get my attention so I might ask if someone was ok like just in case I thought they were having a seizure but I don’t think that’s what you’re talking about right?

[EricJones in reply to -Charlie]

It does dart. Like quickly usually up and down. I'm really startled by sounds and can't concentrate on anything else. I hear them very clearly and it get in the way of my communication with others

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

So it’s the sounds causing the head movements. That means you have to learn to cope with the sounds.

If they’re external sounds you’re hearing as in noise around you, people talking, a TV etc the best thing you can do is to gradually expose yourself to the sounds. Learn that they’re not going to hurt you. Sit with the sounds. Write down how each sound makes you feel. Ask yourself what is causing you to react to it. If it’s something from the past, remind yourself that time is over. Whatever it was doesn’t exist anymore. That’s where therapy comes in handy. It’s exposure therapy. There’s no way around it except to keep working at it until your mind is satisfied that you are safe. And your mind will come to that conclusion after enough ‘safe experiments’ you do. The more you expose yourself to what you fear the less emphasis you’ll give it in your mind thereby your brain will learn to tune it out. You have to prove to yourself that you are actually safe. It’s hard to just say ‘oh she says I’m safe so I am’ it’s more about you accepting your safe through practice. You have to believe it for it to be so.

IF the sounds are in your head …well that’s something that a psychiatrist could give you some medication to help with blocking it out and understanding why you’re hearing sounds. In other words, if you absolutely can’t tune it out and need help with meds while you’re learning, that’s completely understandable. Trauma can do funny things to our mind leading us to be hyper vigilant as a protective measure. Always on guard. Have you ever talked to a doctor about it? I completely understand why you’re concerned.

Sorry, didn’t mean to be so wordy. Just trying to make sure I understand.

[EricJones in reply to -Charlie]

The biggest problem with curing my issue with background sounds is I assume others will notice me hearing these sounds as I try and combat them to feel more safe, they'll bring more attention to it, strengthening the connection I have to them. Is this all made up from my mind or could it happen?

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

Let’s say I walk into a room full of people watching TV. Someone changes the channel and all of a sudden the TV is blasting too loud. It would startle me and I would react in some way by turning my head quickly to see what happened. The other people around me are hearing the very same thing so they are reacting to it to in their own way and are not noticing my reaction as they are processing the sounds themselves. We all react to sounds differently.

If someone notices you reacting to a sound they would just think you’re observant and attentive. There’s nothing wrong with that and people don’t give that any thought.

The thing to remember about hyper vigilance is that people who aren’t hyper vigilant - their senses are wayyyy duller than yours. They’re not processing sounds they hear as intensely as you are. They tune out sounds (and motions) without a second thought.

If anyone brought attention to you noticing a sound, it’s only out of their own curiosity. It’s not coming from a bad or judgmental place. They’re not intending to reinforce your need to worry. They don’t even know you’re worried. Don’t let that kind of thing reinforce the negative thoughts. I think the more interactions you can have with people the more you’ll see how their minds work. You’ll come to realize how little attention they actually pay to what you’re doing.

People want to interact with each other. It’s human nature. They will see the good in you. Find you interesting. You’ll bond with them over things you like that are similar. Once that happens, they are only seeing the good in you. Everything else falls to the wayside. That’s what friendship is all about. I’m quirky and kind of weird but my friends overlook that. And people who don’t, well…they don’t deserve you as a friend. There’s a lot of good people out there who don’t judge. But you have to take some chances and be willing to find them. It might mean you find someone who does react weirdly to you but that’s ok. I’ve had people react weirdly to me and all it tells me is they’re not my kind of people. There’s plenty of people who don’t notice, don’t judge, and don’t care because they like you regardless of how you may react physically to something. You just have to find those people and they’ll help you to reinforce the need to let your guard down.

[EricJones in reply to -Charlie]

So, people won't think the worst of me or try and hurt me by bringing the attention onto the sounds I hear, so that I hear them again?

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

No, they won’t do that. That’s not how people think. People look for the good in others. They’re just wanting to interact with you, not cause you any hurt. They’re more interested in what you have to say. They’re focusing on your words so that they can keep conversing with you. What if you play video games with someone where you don’t have to converse with them by actually looking at each other? Say playing an Xbox or PlayStation game with someone in your house. That kind of lowkey communication where you could practice talking to someone while you’re both preoccupied looking at a screen. Would be a good way to break the ice without having to worry as you’d both be focusing (looking forward) at the game screen, but doing it together.

[EricJones in reply to -Charlie]

I pick up on their non-verbal behaviors and the sounds that they make. Can they notice that? Can they notice my reactions? (I talk in circles with this problem I'm sorry).

[-Charlie in reply to EricJones]

It’s ok no worries. No, there’s no way for them to notice that. They don’t have the abilities that you do as most people aren’t that self aware. They’re only hearing your verbal communication - your words.

[-Charlie in reply to -Charlie]

Imagine a soldier walking through a war zone at night in the darkness. They are noticing every little sound, footstep, movement. They are on total guard - similar to hyper vigilance. A civilian walking next to them wouldn’t necessarily notice what the soldier is picking up on. Their minds work differently even though they are walking together. The civilian is oblivious to everything the soldier is gathering with their senses.