Depressed and anxious

[Twill]

Hi I am new to the Anxiety support and I really hope someone reads this message who can help me

I don't know how to cope with my anxiety panic and crying at the moment. I don't normally talk about my personal life but I have a daughter in law who since meeting my son 6 years ago has made my life miserable. She has been determined to get our son out of our lives and into her and just her families life. I have been a good mum my sons have had a lovely loving family life and we have always been really close. My daughter-in-law is so deviously clever! on the outside most people see her as a bubbly helpfully friendly woman and behind her she has parents who have spoiled her rotten buying her for example a flat a house a car and she carries their credit card around with her and buys what ever she wants on it. They r not overly wealthy people butMy son is taken in with all the materialistic life they lead and he is very happy. He is brain washed and controlled by his wife and I know he loves her. myself and my husband have to tread on eggshells round her just so we can see our son.

He has had a big fall out with my other son and his wife because of her and now they don't speak so she succeeded there and now they have a baby son my grandson and we hardly ever see him. I am always offering to babysit but they just tell me he is being looked after by his other grandparents. When I approached my son about this he said they haven't time in their busy lives to see us often so I told him he always has plenty of time to socialise with his wife's family always going away with them and entertaining them. and I said he was being controlled by his wife, he told her what I said we had a big argument and I was threatened that if I didn't apologise to her I would never see my grandson again. I can't believe he has been brainwashed by this woman and he can't see what she has done. I love him so much and know how lovely he used to be such a beautiful family lad but I am so disappointed in him. It has now got to the stage where I think I will lose him for good. I am so sick of trying to keep the peace so as not to lose him. This is why I have started having panic attacks and crying constantly. If anyone can offer any help and advise i would be so grateful. P.S. I have a super relationship with my other son and we see their baby daughter regularly which has been a lifesaver for me.

My health isn't that good

I was diagnosed with PBC in January 2015 after years of seeing different specialists with numerous bruising, rashes, itching, fatigue, aches and pains in my joints. I was put on urso and I am seen every 6 months for blood tests.

I feel I have deteriorated physically and definitely (Mentally) since the upset with my youngest son.

Twill x

[Hidden]

Well from the outside looking in, if I'm honest you sound jealous of her. You should let your son decide what he wants for his life and all you can do is say you are there for him and love him. Start acting like you're not botherd at all about him or her and you'll soon see a change in both their attitudes, but going on like you are, some people get off on it.

[Twill in reply to Hidden]

You cannot be further from the truth. My husband and I have always said we have brought them up really well they now have to live their own lives and we r happy they are. We r not at all in their face and not always contacting them Believe it or not We r not jealous we r pleased he is happy I have tried everything to bring my daughter in law into our family and have been so nice including her in everything they even lived with us for months before their house was decorated and we got on really well doing crafts together. I have been upset and protected her when people have said rude comments about her weight and that she is a diva and a drama queen i compliment her all the time because she has a lovely face and wears beautiful clothes. We do what u say and let them get on with their lives and am really happy they r not struggling and they r happy. We are just being normal parents wanting to see our son and grandson now and again and to be a small part of their lives but if We can't We will have to accept that. We will always love him and he Knows we will always be there for him. I like your advice but I can't lie I am annoyed with her for causing the problem between two brothers and splitting my family apart. But thank you so much for your comment I really appreciate it x

[Hidden in reply to Twill]

Like I say, it's how it seems. You seem bitter towards her and can only assume that you're jealous and I still think in a way you are.

But saying that, there is no need to break up families but if she has done that then maybe she is insecure and sees you as a threat, maybe she is also jealous of you.

Let them get on with it, they will come running you'll​ see. Ignore them, you'll be surprised just how much it works.

[Twill in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Dave I think u have hit the nail on the head she hit the jackpot with my son and wants him all to herself. Take care x

[Mumof347 in reply to Twill]

There is always that element of over protection with our children, she wants him to herself and can see your relationship between you and your son is close. I have been there, we will never be able to make choices for them, only give guidance, she probably senses you trying hard and the more you give the more she will want from you. Relax a bit and see how it could improve, if not, you have tried at least

[Twill in reply to Mumof347]

Thank you for taking time to reply to my problem I really really appreciate it. I am sad I have said anything because of all the heartache there is in this world my problem is so trivial, thank u again x

[Mumof347 in reply to Twill]

Your welcome if it helps to talk about it then that's good, trivial or not it's still nice to have some advice x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I agree with you Dave, let them get on with it, Def the best way.

[AnxietyRiddled]

Hello!

Thanks for sharing your story. I can't relate completely. I am not a mother, but I have had this situation with my both brothers. Past girlfriends are very similar to your daughter-in-law and my brothers very much distant themselves from our family. It was a tough ride, but eventually they both figured out these girls weren't right for them. Sometimes you just have to let them figure out on their own and hopefully learn from their mistakes. Just keep being a good mom and be there. The anxiety/panic can be helped by starting to learn coping strategies. I love taking walks. Just being outside helps me a lot. Everyone has different things that help them, you just have to try different things until you find out what works for you. Talking helps too. Just remember to take care of your mental and physical health before anything else. Also I am on a low dose of Xanax, which helps, so I don't know if you want to talk to your doctors about medication as well. Hope it all starts to get better for you! ❤️

[Twill in reply to AnxietyRiddled]

Thank u so much for replying I really appreciate and will take your advice x

[Kiwimama]

As the mother of 2 adult sons can I first give you a cyber hug and then ask you to seriously consider the following...

1) What is the problem exactly?

2) How does this impact on you?

3) What feelings/emotions are involved on your part & why?

4) What is your part or contribution to the problem?

Then since you do not have the power or authority to control the actions and attitudes of other people involved you can only address you part. You do have the power to change this.

I would also advise you never to criticize or say anything derogitory about your daughter in law no matter what you think or fell. She is your son's wife and he has cleaved to her. She is also your grandson's mother and if you want to see your grandson you will have to respect this.

Instead of accusing you son's wife and thereby criticizing your son's ability to make adult choices use gentle I statements to calmly and lovingly tell your son what you would like to happen.

EG: I miss you. I love you. I would like to see you more often. I would like to see my grandson...

Offer invitations and opportunities to build some bridges...

Invite the in laws for Sunday lunch.

Offer to take grandson out for a morning.

Invite son and his wife for dinner 1 night per week.

Invite daughter in law out for coffee and only say positive things to her... if it goes well offer to make it a regular thing.

So long as you are doing the right thing with a humble and loving attitude that is all you can do.

[Twill in reply to Kiwimama]

Hi Kiwimama Thank u so much for the hug ang the advice. I have tried so many times to invite them here, go for coffee, babysit my grandson but there has always been an excuse. I will always be there if they need me and that's all I can do x

[Hidden in reply to Twill]

They know you are there if they need you, leave it at that, don't push for their attention, maybe they just want to do things their own way, you are there for them and they know it so just take a back seat and let them get on with life. You are just a caring parent and it's natural to want to help as much as possible but sometimes the best way to help is to let them live their own lives.

I hope you have a great day Twill ☺

[Twill in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Jimtom I love your reply it has really helped x

[Hidden in reply to Twill]

You are welcome anytime at all Twill.

[Mumof347 in reply to Twill]

Good on you, you are trying at least, no one can say you aren't. Enjoy your time with them when you can x