Worried about my husband

Joined this forum tonight as I have concerns over my husband and I'm not sure what my next port of call is.

Last night, totally out of the blue he had an irrational outburst, he was so angry because he couldn't find a set of keys. Everything then poured out, every one sniggers behind his back (!!), no one helps him (!!) our 8 year old daughter treats him like dirt (!!), no one has any respect for anything that belongs to him (!!). He sayshe couldn't care less if he woke up in the mornings, wishes he was dead, but it was the anger that was coming out that upset me most

I think the beginning was this time last year when a gold chain went missing, bought for his 40th by his mother. He swears he knew where it was yet the previous 9 years he has worn it to work (he has a heavy factory job) left it in a plastic bag in a cupboard after it had broken, so he really hasnt looked after it. And now he cant find it we are all guilty. He keeps questioning our daughter if she knows where it is (she doesnt). So in the last year he has lost his chain, a hammer (dont even go there), the kitchen knife sharpener and a lead lamp that he uses. Everything has been found...exactly where he put it after weeks of fussing over them apart from the chain.

Like I say totally irrational but it really upset me, I have enough on my plate looking after a elderly mother, handicapped son and then the rest of the family and house. He is refusing to see the Dr although I have made an appointment.

14 Replies

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  • hi gilly I'm not up to answering at the moment but someone will. we all read at different times/days. I do know though that if your husband won't go to the gp, you can go and talk to him - maybe take a copy of your post with you. ask for help. You or he can also call the samaritans they're not just for suicides.

    Anger and frustration are common with depression, it's frightening for you to witness and may have frightened him too.

    sorry it's not more,

    sandra.

  • Hi Gilly - Oh, my dear, i'm so sorry, you have enough on your plate without this! I would strongly urge you to talk to your own doctor about your concerns, and the effect it is having on you, your daughter and the rest of your family - it must frighten your 8 year old to see her father so "paranoid"!

    Mind, the mental health charity, also support relatives/carers of people with MH problems - they have a lot of resources on this page:-

    mind.org.uk/help/carers

    But i would also suggest you ring their helpline - 0300 123 3393 and ask to speak to an adviser. You can't - and shouldn't - cope with this on your own!

    Do post again and let us know how you get on!

    all the very best, and do come and "vent" on here if you need to - there's lots of support!

    Best wishes

    Rose

    xxxxxx

  • hi gilly,

    sounds like he is suffering from stress,it justs builds up and you dont realise how much you are feeling it ,just that your patience is shorter ,harder to concentrate on things and even doing daft things and not realising ,you just tend to put in down to life being a bit more difficult and it will get better eventually ,but it often doesnt and we dont realise why or what is happening to us,

    i think quite often women tend to be the doer`s and organisers and often cope better ,where men just put their heads down and hope it will just go away eventuallly or things will improve and the pressure will decrease ,

    i often end up doing daft things like putting the shoe polish away in the fridge ,couldnt find the bananas i bought after shopping till i opened the freezer a few day later and had thrown them in with everything else,(bit of advice for anyone thinking of trying it ,they dont freeze well! ! }

    just seems your mind is on so many other things all the time you do most things on autopilot and dont realise what you are doing ,

    would be good if you could find time to sit and have a quiet heart to heart as being able to communicate openly to each other can throw light on how you both feel as often one is trying to keep feelings from the other maybe so as not to put pressure on the other and cope with it yourself.Often the other has no idea what their partner is silently trying to cope with or how difficult they are finding things and can feel very much on their own ,

    If trying to talk openly to each other is just likely to blow up into an argument then best to approach maybe your gp and explain what you think is happpening and maybe they will suggest a joint approach and point out that his stress and anger affecting you too ,and is often easier to talk with an intermediary there so things dont get out of hand ,

    Am sure with all you have to cope with that it is affecting you and your family too,and maybe he doesnt realise how much,eventuallly the key will be communicating with each other calmly whether that be between just you two or with a third party to steer the conversation ,

    it can be very hard for a man to admit he is not coping with the stress and anxiety he is feeling and deny it and not recognise it for what it is ,whether it dents the macho image or not,after all we are only humans.Everyone i think finds being classed as maybe having mental health issues frightening and the stigma that still goes with it ,maybe it would be better termed as lifestyle issues or something ,but eventually you both have to accept the fact that you are both suffering the effects of that stress and have to be able to recognise that and by being able to open up and share how each is feeling find the best way to support each other through this ,he is a lucky man in that you see the problem and are trying to find a way to help and support him and get your lives together back on track,as bottling it up and trying to ignore the pressure usually just delays the consequences and eventually drives you further apart,maybe he is feeling under pressure at work too,but whatever the issues they will only be resolved by recognising the problems and being able to share them with someone ,you both need to talk and listen calmly as you can only help and supprt each other if you know what the other truly feels ---good luck,

  • Hi. roedsend. Marvelous! Saved m e a lot of typing!! Hi gilly. The above blogs are so useful. Blessings and good luck to you. jonathan.

  • Hello Gillyt, I think your husband maybe suffering from stress. The signs are there and you need to get help before its too late. I agree with roadsend and briarrose comments. it is worth getting in touch with your local mind and also talk to your gp and see what they suggest. The help is out there so please do not suffer alone, like I did. LizM40

  • Wow you are all a Godsend! All my best wishes and prayers Gilly xxx I have been there too xx

  • I cant thank you all enough for your replys, I have got very emotional just reading them.

    I told hubby last night we had an appointmentat the Drs and I could tell he was'nt pleased, but I value our relationship enough to do something about it. Since the outburst everything has been as near normal as you could expect. But it worries me that one will lead to another.

    I will call Mind tomorrow, hopefully I will be able to talk to them without breaking my heart (can you tell I am over emotional !)

    Again.......Thank you all xxx

  • hi again gilly,

    hope he will attend your appointment with gp or any other person who can help to get the problems out in the open,the fact you say you value your relationship and want to do whatever it takes to save it speaks volumes and that you love him very much ,might be nice just to tell him that as very often we assume they know that so never get around to actuallly saying it ,and it can mean so much and dont worry about being emotional in front of proffessionals trying to assist you ,its when we actually allow our emotions to show that many of the underlying problems actually float to the surface,we have to be completely open about our emotions and feelings to understand how both are feeling ,its not a blame game ,its just understanding what each has been trying to cope with on their own ,there will be many aspects which he hasnt realised were affecting you and your family as much as it has and also probably many things that he has been trying to cope with without sharing those problems with you ,to try to shield you from his worries ,when you can both see this from each others point of view and work together on it ,maybe with a little assistance from people who are very used to dealing with these fields ,you can get back to a much happpier and stronger relationship than you ever had before , good luck and hope hubby realises it takes a big man to hold his hand up and say i love you and i want to save this too , i didnt and lost everything,dont make the same mistake -you have nothing to lose except the stress and so very much to gain by getting things back in perspective and a much happpier ,relationship

  • Well said roadsend good advice I used to tell my mrs everyday she was my beating heart sloppy I know but it was true and we were a partnership but I wish Gilly well and she finds help for her her hubby and the family a quiet gentle chat after the kids have gone bed perhaps may help ..Mel

  • Hi gilly sorry you and family are having abad time your husband is sounding stressed pressure at work and things in general these days us blokes tend to keep stuff to our selves I don't know why Tuff guy thing i suppose I used to get stressed and let fly sometimes at work in the building trade when things didn't go well tins of paint used to go flying or at home as I lived alone when stressed out it didn't affect anybody but when it's in a family situation it can be frightening you say your going the docs that's good he's nothing to be ashamed of we can't carry the load ourselves all the time I hope the drs visit will be helpful and things calm down for you your family and your husband all the best and look after yourselves Mel

  • This morning hubby mentions the Drs appointment.........and says he is going in alone. I think as a first off we should go in together or the Dr is only going to hear one side.....and knowing my hubby it will be a played down version of events. Do I insist? We dont have the same Dr or even share the same Dr practice.

    I do appreciate all your messages x

  • hi gilly,

    i would say probably together is better and then you can leave him to speak to doc alone for a while if need be ,i say this because there could be some issues he would want to talk about and feels he cannot initially in front of you ,but sometimes easier to talk to a stranger ,the main thing is that the gp or whover needs to know how you see the situation ,and can then delve into what they think and how he sees it ,once he opens up a little ,he may be happy for you to stay but the main thing is he talks to someone openly ,

    it can be very hard to bring up things that you feel when with someone close ,my sister came with me initially as most of the family thought i had depression for years ,to me it was just that life was very hard and getting no better,but in front of her i could not speak as openly as i wanted and the fact i have been within hours of leaving this life at one time and know i will be again ,

    if you can get a chance to put your concerns to the health professional ,if he then wants to speak to them alone for a few minutes ,thats fine ,so long as you can find out what thoughts and direction the gp has to help you ,its not always easy to bare your soul in front of someone very close if they dont realise whats happening in your life ,but being able to talk to someone that can help has to be a start

  • i would go with him I did with my partner. I let him say what he had to say, but things that didnt get mentioned i piped up then. I have gone to all my partners appointments barr one, and that was the last one, It was feedback on his first initial meeting with his counsellor. it also helps yourself with what is going on. x

  • Well yesterday he lay his cards on the table, apparently he was going to wait for todays appointment.

    I treat him like a second class citizen ( I didnt know that but he couldnt bring up any examples of this)

    The fact his chain is missing and I dismissed it as "only being a chain" . Sadly in my life it really isnt a big deal, if he had lost his arm or leg then I would be concerned. But as I have previously said he looses so much because he puts things down in the strangest of places and I really dont have time for this.

    I happened to turn the tv over yesterday whilst he was out of the room, he came back and said I was watching that.......I said to turn it back, I could catch up with what I wanted to see later but he went and watched it in the bedroom.But this was bought up. I asked why he hadnt turned over when I told him to and he said because it always gets turned around and its my fault. It was his choice not to turn the tv back.

    I think he is very angry with himself, whether it be a mid life crisis or what I just dont know

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