After 14 years of marriage my wife left home in January. I'd been depressed for some time and hadn't admitted it and hadn't noticed how unhappy my wife was. Anyway, her leaving pushed me into severe depression and after a few weeks of misery and repetitive panic attacks I'm now sort of responding to the Sertraline my GP has prescribed.
I'm at home with our 3 primary school age kids and just sort of staggering through each day for their sake. I'm physically and mentally exhausted.
My wife tells me we have grown apart, that she needs "space" and she doesn't love me any more. There isn't anyone else. I gave up my career to be a house husband so she could run the business that we own, so I'm dependent on her for income. I'm too old to start again and anyway the kids take up so much time I couldn't do a meaningful job if I could find one. The trouble is, I'm still in love with her. Every time she walks out of the door my heart breaks a liittle more and I have to hide from the kids so they don't see me crying.
There are no good days any more, just bad days and very bad days.
Written by
Dolphin35
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
I am sorry , I may be a little confused here ...am i right ..your wife left you in Jan , you were a house husband , so she could run your business , now are you both still in the same house ?
I am sorry , & its just my opinion , but seems your wife has her cake & eat it here
If she no longer wants you & the buisness is shared , then its a much yours as hers , she has it made from what you say , she still has everything ,including you as free child care , while you are just sat there depressed & to be honest i would be
If this was me , as much as it hurts & I no it does , been there & 2 kids involved , at the time , but you need to get it sorted
You need a break , keep seeing her is not helping you to let go of the past & move forward , the arrangements you had when you were together , were fine , now she is saying its over , different arrangements need to be made hun , so you can start to get on with your life
Dont feel guilty , you will be there for your kids , maybe not as a nanny any more , but you need to take hold of your own life now & try & move on , or you are going to feel worse , its like been tormented to me , day in , day out
I would be honest with myself , & ask what I need to do now for me , may be she might have to sell the buisness & give you your share , or if you are happy to child mind , then say you want half of what is earned , why shouldnt you
Its sad when a relationship breaks down & its very hard hun , but you have to put your needs first , at the moment she seems to be a lucky lady & has her life just how she wants it , but what about you ? you have as much right to get your life back as well
Sorry hope nothing I have said has upset you , I feel your pain , just hope you can find the strenghth , to move on now
Hi Dolphin, I agree with whywhy in the sense that you need to take time out for you. you have gone through such a horrible thing suffering from depression and there is no way you could have given any part of yourself to anybody or anything fully, whether it be to your wife, your business or children over the years you have suffered, and now you have all of those to contend with in a negative sense. Everybody goes through difficult times, and in your wifes mind she might be having a difficult time, but I think it is important you think of yourself.
I'm sure your children bring you joy. Concentrate on getting up in the mornings and sharing their smiles and stories about school Look forward to them coming home and heating about their day. Try your best not to concentrate on the negatives. Rest when you need it, don't tire yourself out, you will only feel worse.
I've never been in such a situation so I can't begin to imagine how you feel but if you ever feel you are at rock bottom, the only way is up and of course you are not 'too old to start again'.
Hi Dolphin - I agree with virtually all Whywhy has said - she's a very bright lady! If you took over all the child care so your wife could build her business, then you're not "dependent" on her for money - you and the children have a RIGHT to reasonable provision - and, possibly, as Whywhy says, half the income from the business, if it is jointly owned! If you turn it round the other way - which is the most usual - if a husband and father walked out on his family in similar circumstances, no-one would expect him to "get away with it"! I know this is more to do with the practical side, but i think if you try to stop thinking in terms of "dependency" and more in terms of "rights" - it might help with the depression? I actually think you need to see a lawyer and sort out the situation about the marital home, maintenance, the business etc. As Whywhy has said, at the moment your wife seems to be having it all her way - with you as (unpaid?) nanny? Not on - doesn't depend on gender!!!
As far as the emotional side of things, you might think of trying Relate - I believe they're very very good in helping deal with all aspects of relationship, including break ups. Go to:
Having a trained therapist to talk through things with might be very helpful for you at the moment.
Another thing to consider, perhaps when you're feeling a bit better, is something called PRIME - it stands for Prince's Initiative for Mature Entrepreneurs. It was set up by the Prince of Wales - as an off-shoot of his Prince's Trust - and helps people over 50 set up their own businesses. I know you say you couldn't do a job right now, and I accept that - you need time to heal - but PRIME are very good - and there are plenty of jobs you can do from home/via the internet. What did you do before you became a house husband? Okay, you probably don't want to consider it right now, but for future reference, the website is:
In the meantime, as Mandy says, enjoy your children, take them to the park, play with them, enjoy them, have water pistol fights in the back garden! And if, as you say, it breaks your heart every time she leaves the house, then take the children to her, so you don't have to see her so much, and not in the place where you were a couple - that might help. She left you - and the children - it's time she bore some of the consequences!
Don't know if any of this helps, Dolphin, I've never been in that situation, but I DO believe you will survive it - and your children will never forget that you were there for them!
good luck, and keep posting, let us know how you get on.
Thanks for the supportive comments. They all help!
Rose, I tried relate, but since my wife didn't want to participate - "I don't see how they can help" - there was little they could do.
I'm not yet at the point where I will let myself believe that the situation is irrecoverable - as I said, I am still in love with my wife - she on the other hand hasn't appreciated how my depression has affected every aspect of our life. Right now it's hard for anyone to love me - depressives aren't that attractive. If I can shake off the depression sufficiently to become something like the person I was before, then there's some hope. The dilemma is how can I not be depressed without the support of the woman I love?
I wish I could make this all go away , listen ...when you love someone , you love them no matter what ...my hubby lives with me with my anxiety & it doesnt make him love me any less ...
Sounds like your wife has fallen out of love ...this does happen ..& taking advantage of the situation , as she may no you live in hope ...we cant make someone love us if they dont , two people have to love each other for it to work & if one doesnt , then we cant make them hun
You have to find a way & there is one , there are alot of us gone through marriages etc that havnt worked , you need to get well , for you , & so you can be the best Dad to those kids
Acceptance is may be where you have to start ...have you had counselling on your own , not relate , but through your GP
I say this with all good intentions , until you let go , you will struggle to move on
We have to start to learn to love ourselfs first & you are love able , you just dont feel it at the moment
I always try and remember a line from a book I read called 'The Happiness Project'. It said 'Act the way you want to feel'. You may wake up in the morning, have a big sigh and think 'what rubbish is today going to throw at me', but as hard as I know it will be, try getting up and forcing a smile onto your face, be super enthusiastic about your morning cup of coffee and tea and take note of the difference of the reactions of others, and also the communication and reactions of yourself.
I did this, although I was in nothing like the position you describe and I give my best wishes to you. I woke up in the morning, was bitter that I had to walk my dog, that I had to get out of bed, cried my way through my chores, when one morning I got up without dawdling, spoke to my pup like he was my son (I do this every day now ) and forced myself to smile all the way through my walk, and it was my first step into dealing with my depression and anxiety. It wasn;t a quick fix but slowly I started to see the good in things.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Look forward to them coming home and heating about their day. Try your best not to concentrate on the negatives. Rest when you need it, don't tire yourself out, you will only feel worse. 
Missing friends who abandoned me
Depressed Daughter and heart broken
My older sister is unbearably depressed 
Suffering horribly with anxiety and depression.
