Help!! Opinions please??

Im beside myself with grief..... after a 13 year mentally abusive marriage I managed to leave and take my son (then 6).....but my ex terrorised me and my family and took me to court for custody, i couldnt cope anymore and let my son live with him, I stupidly thought he would leave me alone and we could raise him together, but oh no the controlling carried on by using my son to hurt me even more... long story and i wont bore everyone with the details but I just did as he said so I could see my son.... I never bad mouthed my ex as I thought this was the right thing to do, he was the guilty party (left me for another woman, always messed around etc) so I didnt want my sons head messed up and never talked about my side of the story. But my son is now 24 and I have realised my ex has filled his head with crap, saying I gave him up and didnt love him etc, my son now doesnt want to speak to me , doesnt want to know my side of the story, I am beside myself with grief and do not know how to come to terms with this.... help??

13 Replies

oldestnewest
  • I feel for you , for any mother to give up their son shows how much they truely love them

    Not been through exactly the same as you , but do have an ex husband who has tried over the years to bad mouth me to our daughters , but I am lucky as even though relations have been strained at times we do have agood relationship & he didnt win

    If it was me , I would put down what you need to say in a letter , if you have just tried contact with your son , leave it a while & then send the letter with your side of what happened

    If he still ignores it , all you can say is I love you , always will & i am your mum & will always be here is you need me , but you will never stop me loving you & I never will

    Its hard I no , I feel your grief , but if you have done all you can , there is nothing more you can do

    I believe in fate & believe that eventually the truth will out

    At 24 he is still young , my oldest is 32 & has realised how important both parents are , but they are not always as emotionally mature at 24 as we think , so dont give up hope

    Love

    whywhy xxx

  • Thank you... I always believed I was doing the right thing for him, not me, cos it wasnt the right thing for me.... And I thought when he left Uni and was away from his dad it would be over, unfortunately its worse, hes still with his dad... all I can do is hope, I have done the above.... I feel guilty for having to let him go and its hard to live with at times, but when I put myself back in that position I know I had no choice.... My depression and anxiety is hard at the min and its hard to remain positive, constant battle, but Im hanging in and hope one day my son comes back to me.... thank you for you positive and non-jugmental thoughts xx

  • Well advised Whywhy.

    Couldnt have said it better myself. Let him know how you feel via a letter. He maybe feeling confused. He like you said had his head filled with a load of rubbish. Have your say. Know its not easy but dont slate his dad off.

    My eldest went to live with his Dad for 6 months. know its short compared to your son, Hadnt seen him in years. Thought the sun shone out of his backside to begin with. Realised that he had better at home and came back. It actually made our relationship stronger. It was the best thing he could have done.

    Write your feelings down and send the letter. Give your son time to get his head round things once you give him your side. Good luck. xx

  • thank you.... Ive just told him there are two sides to every story but he doesnt want to know, I just said I love you always have and always will....I live in hope....xx

  • thank you so much to both of you....this helps me greatly..... xx

  • Hi anne,

    Nobody will ever judge you on here. You rant as much as you like.

    Hope your son does see sense. xx

  • well im glad ive found this site..... i hope I can help other people too and hopefully one day will have some great news to tell everyone that my son has come back into my life! xx

  • anne

    You have done all you can for now

    I do honestly believe that 24 emotionally they are not mature , from my experience with mine

    My girls had to grow up with me with problems & its only now the eldest at 32 has started to understand , my 26 year old does , but not as much as the 32 year old

    If you have already told him by letter , then what I would do which you may do already , is every Birthday & Christmas send a card saying how much you love him , this way you are showing him you have left the door open , its then up to him to walk through , dont give up hope , there is always hope , but no you have done all you can

    Mean while take care of you , you deserve to get well & have your life

    It was the most selfless act you did for your son , hope one day when he is older he will see that

    You will help others on here , even sharing your experience's could be valid as someone else might come on with same issue & they will be able to see they are not alone

    Day at a time anne , you will get through this

    whywhy xxx

  • Thank you so so much.... Im sat here bawling my eyes out but thats prob what I needed instead of bottling it up.... It was a terrible terrible thing for any mother to be in that position but I still stand by me decision, I prob wouldnt be here if I hadnt of let him go, he would never have let me have my son... but I am still here and fighting even if just a little bit.... Im down but not out yet.... your kind words give me hope.... I cant tell you how much it means to me... xx

  • anne ..bless you

    Its ok & very normal to cry , & like you say its good to let it out rather than bottle it up & this may happen from time to time

    I can understand as a mother myself how it must have been , I couldnt even think if I could have been as selfless as you

    My girls were very much influenced by their dad , at one point they didnt talk to me for 2 years & the pain I felt , was to much at times , I cried & even on days I didnt , there was always a pain in my heart , now that was just 2 years , so I cannot even imagine your pain

    Everyday i would say to myself how much I loved them & believed & never gave up hope they would see sense,& they did

    Thats why you should never give up hope

    I sent Christmas & Birthday cards during this time , even though I never got one back , but it showed them the door was open & they came through in the end

    Meanwhile , I had to get on with my own life , as they do theirs

    You say you are down , but not out yet , dont fight how you feel , its normal , go through the feelings accept them, & slowly move forward

    Look after you anne for now , the rest will come when the time is right

    Keep posting & get support

    Love

    whywhy xxx

  • :-)) Its only relatively recent he hasnt been speaking to me.... Oct just gone although he started being funny just over a year ago.....Your story gives me hope....I need to get busy I think, too much time on my hands to think!! thank you whywhy xx

  • Take a step back i think anne , when my girls were been this way , the more I pushed for it the more I found they went futhur away , so I let go & yes 2 years , but cards sent as i said , & they are back

    It was a slow start , I had to let them come in their own time , but they did

    Keep posting anne you will get through this along with your other problems :-)

    whywhy xxx

  • You're a star :-)) xx

You may also like...