Going to tell you all something that I've never told anyone before...

[Armyguy]

So here it goes, it's easier telling strangers these things, but the reason I have such bad anxiety is partly the military but more so the loss of my dad in 2009, followed by me losing my ex's daughter who I viewed like my own child.....

I was in Iraq in 2007 and 2008, in June of 2008 I was coming home, and I was so excited for the future at this moment, young with my life ahead of me, I was back at base for only 2 weeks when I find out my sister had a brain tumor.... At the time we didn't know what was going to happen to her and she had 3 little kids at the time, she decides to move back home with my mom and dad and I offered to come back to help with the kids but my dad insisted on me staying in the military and that they could handle it. I decided to stay in at that moment, but something was telling me to go home and my reenlistment was coming up so I decided to go home..... I come home to my families shock, now this is October of 2008, my dad at this time started coughing all the time, my mom wasn't sure what was wrong but it wasn't good, I go with him to the doctors for a ct scan and we awaited for the results..... I remember and I'm in tears right now, but my dad sitting there and me helping him with the chicken coop he was building and my mom coming out the door in tears, my dad I think knew.... He said josh, get down from there and go help your mother, he couldn't run because of hip replacement surgery, I remember her gasping for air holding her chest on the ground saying it's stage 4. Looking back at my dad and him lighting up that cigarette looking down At the ground......... God I miss him so much..... I was in utter shock at this point, the days were a blur, watching the cancer slowly take him away, I have dreams still that he's still alive and were looking for a cure and he's just away from us for the moment. Then I wake up and realize he's gone and the pain hits again like It's day one all over again. They say it gets easier but it doesn't at all. I miss him more and more day by day... I don't think he thought I loved him..... He was always gone on the rail road when I was a kid and he told my mom he thought I resented him for always being away but i knew He was making a living for us, I loved him so much.... I need to calm down my BP is 138 over 95 right now and I'm in tears, my head is hurting so bad but I gotta get this out, my doctor said I have to let this go and my ex daughter go but I told my doctor I don't know how..... And honestly I don't want to let them go because I love them both..... Losing them has taken a huge part of my soul that I know I'll never ever get back, my life has been on hold since..... I feel like its my fault I lost them and for my dad to think I didn't love him kills me inside or had some kind of resentment because I didn't...... I listen to the song cats in the cradle and think of him and it kills me inside..

I wish this was a bad dream and I could wake up. Like God is warning me but I can wake up and my dad is still here and none of the bad happened...... I need to lay down my chest and head are hurting

[Hidden]

That's made me in tears am so so sorry to hear that , that word cancer kills me as a family member has it and it's not curable 😤 Your dad did no you loved him don't say that you were there for him, it's going to kill u emotionally but he's at rest out of pain he's looking down on you and he will be saying son don't cry am always by your side every step of the way. Your making your self ill a couldn't imagine the pain I'm feeling it hear such an emotional post so sorry and take care god bless xxx

[Lizbett]

Hello AG. I am very sorry for your loss. Your pain and heartache is a tangible thing 💔

I feel that you need the services of an experienced bereavement counsellor to help you find a way to live with loss. You have been through so much and you continue to carry a burden alone that has now become untenable.

Are you a man of faith? Can you join a Church or apeak to a Pastor?

What meds are you on? Talk to your GP about BP medication.

Do you have a supportive network around you like friends you can talk too? Are there any activities that you can take up that you can do every day?

Please find a psychologist who specializes in bereavement counselling ASAP. And if you can, refrain from listening to Cats in the Cradle. It's a beautiful song, but it's only deepening your anguish.

Continue to post here and bend our ears k?

God bless 🙏

[Agora1 in reply to Lizbett]

That's beautiful advice Lizbett.

[Lizbett in reply to Agora1]

Thank you Agora. I sooo wish there was more I could do and say, I really do 😦

[Agora1 in reply to Lizbett]

I know Lizbett. I think Armyguy knowing he is not alone and that the forum is behind him must help some.

[Armyguy in reply to Lizbett]

Thank you so so so much btw, im a little late on this but it helped me so much the day i read this. Also i just found out i dont have anxiety, it was a health issue.

[stde]

So by not re-enlisting you got to spend some time with your dad....

There is an old saying...God works in mysterious ways....

Get well your Dad would have wanted that...

[Armyguy in reply to stde]

Thank you

[Cares179]

Armyguy I know how you feel literally... I lost my dad in 2010 from mesothelioma a form of lung cancer. He never smoked a day in his life but he contacted it in the navy as the ship he was on the USS forrestal caught on fire from a bomb and it was full of asbestos. Mesothelioma does not show up until 39 to 49 years after your exposed. He had surgery and chemo but to no avail. My mom was going through radiation from breast cancer ( she is fine now) when we found out so I was helping take care of both of them. Watching my dad deteriorate in front of my eyes was the most horrendous thing in my life. He was always so strong. I felt helpless and hopeless. I had a 1 year old daughter and lived 45 minutes away from my parents but my husband knew I needed to be there for him and took care of are child when I wasn't there plus I was working full time. But the one thing I cherish is the fact that I was there for him until he took his last breath. Take comfort knowing you got to spend extra time with him and do know he knew how much you loved him. please reach out to a councilor or therapist as it really does help being able to talk it all out. I think of my dad everyday still whether it's something I see or smell something reminds me of him and i hate that my daughter has missed out on knowing such an amazing person as he loved her so much and I tear up all the time because of this.. even right now..but I try and remember all the good memories he left me with and that helps me get through it.

[judy1713]

Okay Army, First , my Husband was my best friend from the time I was 14, I'm 68 now. Always There For ME !!! I lost him Almost nine years ago. It was supposed to be a Hernia Operation ??? The Doctor Came out and Blurted out it wasn't a hernia, its cancer, With-in about 5 Months this superman , always there for me, nothing he couldn't or wouldn't do to make my life easier and Better, was suffering , and bedridden, He needed to go to Heaven and be happy and Pain free so I told him, I loved him, it was ok , I new he couldn't stay, I'd be there when my chores were done, I held his hand, sang OUR songs to him and with in minutes, he went to sleep, to Heaven, very peaceful. ME ??? I almost lost my mind, I fell into this dark black hole, for awhile I went through the daily motions for my Son and my Grand Children. BUT I was lost !! For A while, WE all have to Grieve, in our own way. Then I slowly started getting back to living, It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But... I new thats what he would want. Isn't that what your dad would want??? Would Expect from you??? To be strong, Help the others?? By helping the others in your life, you will have a purpose and you will help yourself. He new, and most assuredly knows now, that you love him. You were there when he needed you most , he told you go help your mother. You were there for him !!! NOW ... If you wanna start getting Better, let go of the sad songs, and Memorys, Only happy memories, now.... a special smile on his face, a special time you had together, Anything that makes YOU smile, Laugh, Anyone who will help you have Happy Thoughts. I ran across a little saying... I remember now and Then.... "if you can only think of ME with Tears, Don't think of me at all He doesn't want to make you sad !! He wants you to be Happy, think of the Happy times, All the good, loving years your Family had together. He's Happy NOW !!! You have to let the Bad, Sad pictures in your mind, the sad memories GO!! Work on the Happy ones. Work HARD, Be the STRONG one NOW, Like he was for all his years !! Do this FOR HIM !!! And all the people that loved Him and that Love you. Start Now ! Its time ! He Needs his son to be Happy. Good Luck ! You Can Do This !!! You ARE Strong Enough, After all YOU ARE HIS SON, MAKE HIM PROUD !!

[Armyguy in reply to judy1713]

Thank you for that, I mean that. Thank you so So so much