I'm running on two hours of sleep so I don't know how much sense I'll make. Plus I am already very scatter brained so that doesn't help. Anyway, I'm stressed out and anxious and I needed to vent to anyone who might understand. My boyfriend and I broke up two months ago, but since have gotten back together. He's an incredible guy, loyal and truth worthy and honest and kind. But I think he has a drinking issue. Or he's developing one. When we were not together, he said the only time he was sober was pretty much at work. He made very, very bad decisions while drunk during that time. When we got back together, he told me he wanted to stop drinking, and I told him I would support what he wanted to do and that I thought it was a good idea. After a talk, he promised me he wouldn't even drink one beer, just for a few months so he could get a handle on himself. Well last night, while I was sleeping, he let me know he was going to the bar with his friends. I woke up around midnight to see he was there. I trust him so I don't care if he goes out late or not. I called him to see if he was drinking and he didn't answer. Something he used to do when he used to do when he was drunk. My anxiety went overboard so I started to call and call. Finally he called back and he was drunk. I got very upset and had a panic attack on the phone. I asked him to leave (we also had a talk before getting back together where he said if I felt uncomfortable with him being somewhere, he would leave if I asked. This has to do with another incident that happened before but that doesn't matter right now). He got upset and didn't want to leave. I ended up going for a drive at 2 am and he drove home. Something else I hate that he does, driving drunk. The worst part was that he couldn't even help me with my anxiety or even have a half way conversation with me about what happened without getting rude and swearing at me. He never yells at me, but when he's drunk he's just rude and mean and not like himself. I ended up hanging up on him and I'm assuming he just fell asleep after that. I don't know what to do. I want to be with him, I love him, but he needs help. I came up with a list of places by me that offer help with addiction, but I don't know how 1. He's going to feel when he wakes up. Will he be upset with me? Will he be super apologetic? Even though he's the one that initially messed up, I am paranoid he's going to wake up and decide he doesn't want to be with me again. And 2. I don't know how to approach the topic of him getting help. I hear people get defensive, some people get angry, so I don't know what the best way is, if there is a best way. I want a future with him but I can't if he won't help himself because I don't want to be in a marriage where I'm with the kids all the time and dad gets messed up every night.
I'm just venting but if anyone has experie... - Anxiety Support
I'm just venting but if anyone has experience with loving an (possible) alcoholic, please help
To be honest I would run a mile and just keep going! I think he has to take the help and be sober for at least 6 months before you can even consider having a future with him. I would make this a deal breaker in your relationship, and if he did succeed I would still think twice.
Love (and money) has a habit of flying out of the window when drink enters. x
I think the 6 month thing is a really good idea. I'll bring that up to him. If he refuses then I guess I have no choice but to run. Thank you for the help!!
There must be a reason why he is wanting to drink. He needs to see a counsellor with you maybe to establish the root cause. This might help him get over it too. Sometimes a painful procedure but an important one to move on with his life and together if you both really want it to work. If he cant help himself then he is not going to be there to help you or anyone else, kids. It's a hard road but his behaviour could worsen over time and you dont want to be the one in hospital because of it. If he us massively as you say he is then support him but dont fall for a permanent relationship until he is able to manage looking after himself and be there for you like a man should x
As lovely not massively lol! Predictive text.
Yikes, I can see how you are struggling with this. All I can do is tell you about my experience and my families experience.
1. My aunt was married to a guy who was an alcoholic. When we were kids we'd go and visit and even stay. He was always the uncle that gave me and my sisters present and money when we visited. We didn't know at the time cause my cousins never said anything that he beat my aunt and neglected them. So my aunt left him, big fights over the kids, my youngest cousin ended up with his own addiction problems and OD'd 6 years ago. Poor guy could never get a break, just when he was getting a handle on his addiction problems he lost his job and that was that.
2. My sister's partner had a drink problem and overtime she ended up having issues with drink now. That only got settled when she left him and she took the view never to drink again.
3. I had a break down and unfortunately started using drink as a crutch was hoping if I drank enough I could forget the pain and make the voices in my head go away. Bad decision cause I knew that I was always the one who remembered everything that happened at parties even if I had had one too many.
So what I can say is whatever you do it is going to be hard o both of you, but you owe it to yourself to look after you. If he is drinking and driving that could potentially end up killing someone and needs to stop. If you are anxious about facing him, get the support of a good friend or family member to be with you when you speak to him about him drinking. Or how about writing him a letter explaining everything how it makes you feel what he is doing to both of you. Offer again to ho with him to get help.
There is an old phrase "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink".
He has to want to truly help himself and not just say the words because he thinks those are the words he wants to hear. Also quite frankly he needs to be honest and let his friends know he has a drink problem so that they can help him to. Where were they when he got drink and then drive home they should have been stopping him from doing that.
I keep getting told that I should keep quite and suffering from anxiety and depression, but as far as I am concerned there are some things that need to be spoken about. Mental health issue are one and addictions are another.
Please get help to talk to your boyfriend about his problem and I know it is tough, but you have to let him know that it is make or break time because it is not fair on you or any future kids if he doesn't want to get help.
This is my opinion and experience, but as they say hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Remember to look after yourself first do you have the strength to help him if he wants the help.
He needs help as he is ill; drink dependency is an illness. But helping him is not your responsibility; you are. My worry is that in helping him you will be harming yourself. Initially I agree with the suggestion of counselling.
Hi. Sadly I don’t feel there is anything you can do to help your partner, he is the only one who can do it. I am a recovering alcoholic and haven’t drunk alcohol for a number of years. As someone previously said alcoholism is an illness. When I was drinking the addiction was so strong that nothing can before it, partners,family or friends. I now attend AA on a regular basis and as they say it’s the first drink that does the damage. That may sound crazy but once you’ve had one you can’t stop. Your partner has got to want to stop drinking. Could you try what is called an intervention. This is when you get him together with friends and family and confront him about his drinking. It’s really hard for you to do it on your own. With the support of others you could suggested he gets help. Find your local alcohol dependency service or even suggest he goes to AA. AA has got thousands of people world wide sober, including myself. Hope this may help a bit and please do contact me if I can help in anyway. I understand what you’re going through and it’s hell.
Alot to read, but I'll answer your topic saying. I have a boyfriend of 18 years, I believe I saw the Red flags from the get go? We we're at mother's day dinner with his family, he had 7 glasses of champagne??? I was blown away, I'm not a drinker. I did say something about it, and usual thing a acoholic would do is make excuses. And found out his mother is an enabler, his stepfather is an acholic also. He's admitted to drinking and driving in the past, still excuses "No one got hurt". This has been up and down, he won't seek help since he doesn't think he has a problem? Alot of arguing, our relationship seems more like a friend? He seems ok, at least around Me?
Hi,
I totally get what you are saying. I’ve been here too but from his side and I know what you are feeling as well.
Firstly, I have to say a lot of the initial advice here is terrible... no wonder why people can never get over their problems if the only advice is to run away. Also he will only descend into drink and self destruction further.
As long as he isn’t beating you, then you still have plenty of chance to start the road to recovery. It can be a tough one, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel and we’re not even talking years just months.
So to start, alcoholism is not an illness. That way of thinking is outdated and foolish now. When you begin to understand why people drink then you start to appreciate the addiction. It’s all to do with how it affects the brain. Down regulating certain neurotransmitters (GABA,Dopamine) which are part of your relaxation and reward feeling. When you don’t drink your body isn’t making as much of this so therefore the balance is thrown out. Glutamate (which is excitatory) becomes higher in the ratio to GABA, which means this is why people need a drink to ‘switch off’ or why they get the shakes etc.
This is why it annoys me when people say alcoholics are sick, they’re not. It’s a simple physical, biochemical dependency brought about by interactions in the brain. But people don’t want to bother understanding.
So next, the good thing is that he said he wants to quit. You have no idea how big a thing that is in itself. Most people are in denial with their drinking. I was and I was drinking 10 pints a day! Until you have that realisation it’s hard to go any further. Whether it’s truth or lies at the moment remains to be seen. But as there are drink driving occurrences happening then yes it’s time to take action but I’ll get to that. This is also another reason I’d say don’t walk away. Imagine if something horrific happened... you wouldn’t want to feel any of that as you had walked away.
I’d encourage him to tell his friends, or if he doesn’t feel comfortable about that, such is the drinking culture we live in (you have to have a drink with the lads) then he can always make some excuse but that won’t need to happen for a little while yet as I’ll go into now.
So, do not go cold turkey! People always want to place ultimatums on alcoholics and it’s the last thing that will help. It will do the opposite and may do them actual physical harm. Try and figure out a way to wean off that isn’t too scary.
I went cold turkey and looking back I wish I hadn’t!
So e.g- if I was drinking 10 a day, I should have dropped to 8 for the next 2-3 weeks. Then 5 for a month. Then 3 for 2-4 weeks. After that you don’t just drop to 1, you can start skipping days. So 2 days with 3 drinks and 1 day off etc. Then you can increase the number of days off. This is going to be so much less scarier.
Sitting down and being honest with something like this is personally the best way forward. I don’t know how much he is drinking so that’s up to you guys to come up with a suitable plan.
The only problem right now is that you don’t have the tools to tackle this. This in itself will help with your anxiety believe me.
I would check out a book called Drinking sucks! by Chris Scott. It’s great. He also has a site called fitrecovery.com. Plenty of info there too.
Like I said, arm yourself with the knowledge and the tools and you’ll feel better and more in control.
It’s great that you love him and want to help him, I only wish I had someone at that point as it can be a very lonely process. Lonely because there is such a stigma around someone trying to stop drinking (obviously we are bad people!). People on the outside can be horrible at times.
However, if after all of this and he still doesn’t want to or it doesn’t work out then yes maybe it would be time to walk away at that point. You would have done all you could do and so can feel some comfort in that.
Expect a possible relapse or two as life can happen, for example if he drinks on one of the days off, as long as there are reasons and it wasn’t stupid drinking.
Anyway, this is far too long now haha.
Good luck and realise that people do get through this.
Hope that helped.
Thank you so much for taking the time to say all of that. He doesn't drink every day, his issue is when he starts drinking, he says he loses control and can't stop. I have been looking up so many articles and reading up on people who struggle with this, and it seems like he is at the beginning stages of it. I definitely didn't want to give him an ultimatum and I don't want to leave him. Good luck with your journey,
Thank you so much again for taking the time to educate me further on this. It really did help so much.
This is so wrong. You have given some brilliant advice, and to share your personal experience is kind and must be raw for you. Having said that, I'm afraid I have to disagree with you, and your ignorant and cruel statement that alcoholism is a choice and not an illness is not only wrong but deeply hurtful. Your experience of alcoholism is your own, but it doesn't speak for others. As the daughter of an alcoholic, it is most definitely a disease and a serious addiction for many, and should not be taken lightly. It has caused untold damage to my family, and your flippant dismissing of it as a valid addiction is genuinely painful. If you had experienced what I have, and seen what I have, you wouldn't be so casual.
I don't think that this is the case with your partner @hitbyasegway, but if there is something in your relationship that makes you uncomfortable, or worried, then you are entirely justified in expressing that. I think your post deserves a proper response so I'll reply separately.
oh sweetheart, I'm sorry that you are in this situation, and I recognise so much of your emotions and worry in your post, because this is very familiar. Drinking in itself is not wrong, but it's how we use and treat it that can cause an issue. I have a couple of questions I'd like to ask before replying, and I hope you don't mind me asking.
1. you said you got incredibly anxious when he didn't answer the phone while drunk, but you also said that you trust him. Why did you feel such anxiety if you trust him?
2. you mentioned something that happened that you didn't want to discuss, which you do not have to address, but it might be helpful in working this out?
3. It sounds like you don't drink yourself, is there a reason for this that might make you feel particularly strongly about the fact that he does?
4. Lastly, your self esteem seems pretty low, despite the fact that you are clearly a sweet, kind, caring person. You care very much for your partner, and he is very lucky to have you. i feel like you need to remind yourself of this. Does he? x
I hope you don't mind me asking questions that might be a bit difficult, I only ask because I recognise and truly care x
Hi thank you for your response. I'm sorry about your father, I can't imagine how it must impact you and your family.
1. I get anxious because I don't trust him to not drink and drive
2. I don't feel comfortable saying what it was at the moment.
3. I do drink, but socially. Even then, that's maybe once a month, if that. And even then, I don't enjoy getting as drunk as him. I don't like feeling out of control. I just don't see the fun in that.
4. It's weird because I think very highly of myself, I think. Maybe I have underlying issues I haven't addressed yet but I do see that I'm kind, caring, and that I would do anything to help those I love. He says he is lucky to have me, but who knows what a person is really thinking.
Thank you for caring so much to ask questions though. And for taking the time to ask them.
Only if you count Family members with me i.e. brothers, sisters, mom, and dad.
Looks like you got quite a wide net of advice. Some good and some questionable. First off when dealing with drunks it's almost pointless to have real conversations with them especially if they are mean drunks. You will need to have that conversation with them when they are sober. Second only you can answer if you want to stay or go, but either way this guy needs to get help. You can help with that if you decide to stay involved in his life, but ultimately he has to want to get treatment. You got to take care of yourself first though and if you can manage then support him in recovering from what clearly sounds like an addiction. You can be there as friend until you can determine if he can get his act together or you can try to have the relationship concurrently. Be warned though, a serious relationship with him during this recovery will not be an easy one. Just be prepared for him to fail maybe more than once and if he recovers he will remain an alcoholic. I have seen this play out over and over with my siblings. You just got to sit down with him and have the conversation about him and drinking. Then if you decide to stay then seek out help for him provided he wants help. If he doesn't, well that's where we come in, here on this site will be to comfort and support you.
My siblings go to AA. Support from peers is great and friends with an understanding not to drink around him is even better. Though there are a lot of resources to get help starting with your healthcare providers.
I didn't give detailed advice as that will evolve as your situation does. Baby steps is where to start. Feel free to private message me should you need to talk.
P.S. Sorry for the typos just edited some out.
Just an update: I spoke to him when he was sober and he refused to get help. He said he would do it if he needed it. I talked to my dad, who is somewhat close with my boyfriend, and my dad revealed to me that he was once addicted to cocaine and it took a huge wake up call for him to get his act together. I don't know what the wake up call was, but my dad spoke to my boyfriend privately about it and my boyfriend texted me out of the blue saying he wanted to find a therapist to help him with this. Whatever my dad said, I am thankful. I had no idea my dad was an addict and that he still struggles with the addiction to this day, so it gives me hope that my boyfriend can somewhat overcome this and be a good husband and father. I know everyone is different, so I am just hoping for the best but prepared for the worst. Thanks for all of the advice, you are all amazing people for taking the time to write to me
Your concern and anxiety about your boyfriend's drinking are understandable. The fact that your dad revealed his own addictive past and talked to your boyfriend are surprises for you. Your situation is a lot to process! I honestly do not know what is best, but personally, I might consider individual counseling to help me sort out my feelings and find appropriate and healthy solutions. Christian counseling has helped me in the past by giving me a safe place to process my feelings. Hope this helps! Blessings and prayers to you today.
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