Dreading my husbands night out.

[littler75]

I know this sounds silly even as i'm writing it, but I suffer from anxiety and have done from when I was young, i'm now 37. My husband and I are going through a rough patch at the moment and I know this is adding to my worries, i'm afraid he's going to leave us, we have a 13 month old son plus two children each from previous relationships. He left his home and moved 144 miles away to be with us and I know in doing that he truly loves us. We have spoke about my anxiety and worries, he does reasure me but it never seems to be enough. I'm pushing him away with my constant low moods and I worry about the effect it has on my children. I would love to have him at home all the time but know that's not realistic and unhealthy. He is going out for the first time in 2 years on saturday and i'm dreading it, i'm afraid he's going meet someone "normal"! I don't really have anyone I can talk to in any depth about how I feel, although I have recently told my cousin i'm not myself and am feeling low. We had a row this morning and I have been in tears ever since, he has had enough of my tears and said he wouldn't go out if it meant I was going to be like this on the actual night. He said he wanted to go for a few drinks and intended on being home when the pubs shut and that he isn't going clubbing and that's what he told his work mates. I know it's me being controlling but I just want to know where he's going, what time he'll be home and who's going. We are going out on the friday night, we need to spend time together. I was on med's but stopped taking them in late oct, big mistake, i'm going doctors tomorrow to restart them but my husband said after 3 months of taking them he didn't see a difference, but I did. Really don't know what i'm expecting from writning this but really did need to get it off of my chest.

[Hidden]

Hi. littler. And a good thing too! Bottling up emotion is not something one should do in any anxiety situation. If you are new here a very great welcome to the site. EVERYONE here is sympathetic because they ALL understand how you feel. Relationships are put under great strain in nervous illness and those close to the sufferer can be as badly affected as the sufferer themselves. This is why understanding is so necessary, but unfortunately, it is not always available. First of all this is not 'silly' nor are you saying anything that is abnormal or that you should feel embarrassed about. Your FEAR of the possibility of your husband leaving is probably what has 'sensitised' you. If you are already a sensitive person then it does not take much for you to fall into the anxiety trap. We fear; more adrenaline is introduced which causes more fear. The good old vicious circle. Go back to your GP. Not all meds have bad side effects. It is a case of finding the right one for you. What's unhealthy about wanting your husband home with you? A pipe dream for a lot of people but wishing it is definately not unhealthy. Also what's wrong with wanting to know where he is? And why do you think this is controlling? Perfectly natural. With nervous illness we EXAGERATE all the normal emotions until they become monsters that plague us day and night. You may have to let the dust settle until your new meds 'click in'. Then perhaps you can speak to your husband more rationally. Please don't blame him. If you have not 'been there' then it is nigh impossible to understand.

Get your meds and try and calm yourself (I know, difficult) You will recover but it does take a while so try and be patient. Try and accept things as they are at the moment. (Another difficult one but it CAN be done). What you expect from writing your post is re-assurance and help and you can certainly get that here, so come back and lets us know how you get on.

Bless you and look after yourself as much as possible. jonathan.

[Maya_dawn]

Hi there,

I can totally relate to what you're going through. I suffer from anxiety and am going through a difficult time with my bf. Like you, I too get very anxious (sometimes even very down and depressed) about my bf going out and spending time with others. If I had it my way, he'd go out with no-one but me, he'd spend time with no-one but me, and I'd always know where he is, what he's doing, who he's with, everything!. But can't have it my way unfortunately

I know what you mean when you say "We have spoke about my anxiety and worries, he does reasure me but it never seems to be enough. I'm pushing him away with my constant low moods". Similarly for me, when I get anxious I run off to the bf, talk it out (PROVIDED he's available, which he's often not, considering he's a workaholic, but that's a topic for another day), he attempts to re-assure me, it calms me down for the moment, but the next time he doesn't tell me where he is, or he goes out with others, its basket case mode again.

I too don't really have anyone to discuss this with, as its difficult for "normal" people to comprehend the knot of anxiety you feel at your OH being apart from you.

Feel free to vent and share here, or if you'd like you can message me.

Take care!

[Rpatrice in reply to Maya_dawn]

I feel the exact same way! I need help dealing with my jealousy and anxiety, I can't keep making myself sick over someone else! My boyfriend does everything to reassure and I feel like it's never enough. I want to experience everything with him so him experiencing things without me makes me go crazy. I feel so pathetic.

[Pennylayne]

As jonathan says everything is exaggerated right now because your anxiety levels are up, the anxiety tells us there is danger in everything so you see danger in your husband going out with his work colleagues before Christmas. It's like the traffic lights are stuck on red.

The reason you feel like controlling what he does is because that feels like you are controlling the danger but what is really taking control is the anxiety.

It sounds as though your meds did help and often we 'feel' more in control and more balanced when taking them .......it's not always so obvious to others, but we can tell.

I think that you are still feeling the effects of stopping the meds ....I know for a fact that I was much worse for a good few months after stopping mine and didn't really see any light at the end of the tunnel. Thankfully there are a good few chinks of light now as things have evened out and I am taking a few supplements from the health shop also but don't like to recommend them as different things work for different people and it's not always a good idea to recommend a particular product.

You know deep down that your husband loves you and as you said he moved 144 miles to be with you and start a new family........you have a new baby together.

He is just wanting a few drinks with his workmates for a couple of hours and you know that is not unreasonable and that you want to find a way for him to do that without it causing problems between you.

I'm sure you long to relax and not think in this stressful way but the good thing is that you can learn to.

Feeling really insecure in a relationship is quite common even in people who don't really consider they have anxiety. It can cause heartache as you have found and really it does need to be dealt with but one thing at a time.

You will need about 6 weeks on your meds to feel much better but after 3-4 weeks there will be an improvement.

Tell your husband that you are doing everything you can to sort out the anxiety which is the root of the problem and maybe he would be willing to try couple counselling for the insecurity.

That's just one option you could consider but there are also great self-help books on relationships where insecurity in the relationship is an issue.

My very best wishes PL

[Hidden]

Hi. Maya. So what's 'normal'. I sometimes wonder, when I go out among the 'normal' ones, if the people on this site are the normal ones and the others not! Normality is very much in the eye of the beholder. Love and blessings. jonathan.

[Maya_dawn]

@ Jonathan - right you are! Hence the use of the term in inverted commas. I think we should consider ourselves "normal" and all others out there "abnormal" - would do such wonders for our self-esteem..LOL

[stde]

HI, Sometimes when I was at my worst I used to wish I could disappear for a few days somewhere there was peace and quite and forget (or try) about my imagined worries...yes a temporary escape even although i loved my family...just to let my thoughts slow down........and no-one should deny me that...... THINK--He loves you but even he may need that couple of hours just to let his head slow down...and then return with fresh love to start a new day........WE ALL SOMETIMES NEED A LITTLE RESPITE...a break no matter how little envigourates us....A different view maybe????----xxxxtake carexxxx

[littler75]

Hi, thank-you for all your replys, I left him for a few hours and went back for a chat, I know he shouldn't be suffering because of my anxiety, he deserves to go and let his hair down, he works hard and is a great dad too. He said he doesn't want to go now and although this is just what I wanted to hear a few hours ago, I feel so bad for making him feel this way. He does try and understand, but I need constant reassurance, which he isn't always able to give me, it seems the more I have the more I want tbh. I have also spoke to my brother which is something I havn't done in any depth before. My moods go up and down though, I know it's only a matter of time before I feel low again. As for the med's i'm dreading the 6 weeks while they kick in. While i'm writing this I have just found out, through a telephone conversation with my cousin, that my aunty has breast and neck cancer! I knew that she was going to the hospital to get results but never thought it would be two different cancers. Everything i'm going through sounds so little and unimportant now. My poor cousin and aunty.

[Hidden]

Hi Littler75

As the "normal one" on this site................if am normal, god help you all, my partner is a sufferer. He hides himself away even though we do speak daily. We dont live together. Seeing this a blessing at mo.

I for the last few months wouldnt go out, felt guilty if i was enjoying myself wouldnt be fair on the partner. But sometimes at the "normal" partner that little bit of a breather helps. I have started going out on a weekend. I didnt want to, but it helps me get on top of things and clears my head to carry on dealing with this. The last thing i want is to go out and "pull". Just have a drink and be myself for that night. I have my phone if my partner needs me, but to be honest he is asleep by 8.

Deep down it sounds like you know how much he loves you. Honestly it will do him good. You may even enjoy your time on your own.

Its difficult dealing with a partner with anxiety. You cannot help how you feel. Its hard to know how it is for you. I know the majority of men (excluding the lovely ones on here) dont show their feelings. I strongly suggest you let him read blogs on here to give him some insight on just what you are going through. Its helped me so much.

Take care

love Lou xxx

[Pennylayne]

Lou I think it's so valuable to see your perspective as a partner to someone who has anxiety, you can speak so honestly as someone who sees how it is for the 'other half'. I can see how much getting out for a few hours helps you, I think it's equally difficult for both people, the one struggling with anxiety and their OH. Also as you say it's often difficult for men to show their feelings .....we females are often expected to cry when we hurt ourselves as small children and get a cuddle to make it better. The boys are told .....it's nothing, get up and off you go so they learn to keep things to themselves.

littler75 it's good that you have had another chat to your OH and also to your brother. You have good insight into the fact that it's your anxiety which is causing you to feel the way you do. You know that your OH is a good person who wouldn't intentionally hurt you, but don't dwell on guilty feelings which are again the anxiety, instead concentrate on getting yourself better, the meds will start to help in less than 6 weeks but it's up to 6 weeks for the full effect. Many people give up if they have not felt the benefit in a couple of weeks which is why it's important to give them time.

It's really sad for your cousin and aunty .......it doesn't make your life and the things which trouble you little and unimportant, it's by seeing the big picture that we can do something about it, we can look for help and talk to those who care and little by little make a big difference to our lives. PL

[Rpatrice]

I too feel the same EXACT way! I want to stop feeling so anxious and sick to my stomach when my boyfriend goes out with his friends. It's even to the point where I'm making myself sick with my own thoughts. No reassurance is ever good enough (unless he cancels plans and stays home) which isn't fair to him. He's done everything he can to make me feel comfortable but i just can't seem to shake this anxiety over him being out and having fun without me. What if he meets someone else? What if he does something and then hides it from me, making me look stupid for months on end... I don't want to get hurt. I want to stop pushing him away.