Family horribly pressuring me, feeling helpless

As I wrote about 10 days ago, I'm supposed to go to a wedding, and it's on tomorrow. Regarding my anxiety, I have actually started feeling better in the past 10 days - but I have also found out that I have adrenal fatigue, and my neck x-ray results came in today and it looks like something is damaged (which would explain the horrible pain I've been experiencing for the past few weeks). Worst of all - I have not had a decent night's sleep in 4 days now. I only sleep for a couple restless hours and wake up at 6 am even though I have absolutely nowhere to go and cannot fall asleep. I am drained, physically and emotionally. I told my mom and brother today that I may not go to the wedding tomorrow if I don't get a good night's sleep tonight (which I know I won't, it's the damn wedding that's giving me all this anxiety and insomnia). I have made my peace with it, I will wear the beautiful dress and shoes to a different event and it will be okay, I am absolutely fine with it. But it's my family... My dad works abroad and he's flying in for a couple days just to be at this wedding, he doesn't even live with me, he doesn't know how I'm doing healthwise. My brother said today that he's okay with me not going, but I'm worried about my parents. My mom didn't say anything today - and now she came into my room and started talking something about our hairdos for tomorrow, and I interrupted her asking: "excuse me, mom, but didn't we already discuss this earlier today, that I may not go?" and she just lashed out and told me "you're going". I told her I am entitled to my own choices in life and no one can force me to do anything, and she just repeated the exact same thing. I don't know what it is - pride, tradition, something completely else, but my parents are SO stubborn about these things. She said "you can go to the ceremony and dinner and someone will take you home" but that doesn't make any sense - if I make it through the ceremony and come to dinner, I practically did the whole ordeal so what's the point of me leaving and just embarrassing myself mid evening? Does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing, any parents that have absolutely no sense of reality?


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17 Replies

  • I also forgot to mention her lovely and oh so familiar remark - "your problem is in your head". Thanks mom for clearing that out, but it doesn't matter if my problem is in my head or my toe, the thing is not sleeping itself can kill you, let alone not sleeping combined with adrenal fatigue. It is literally dangerous. I tried to explain to her the severity of my problem, but she just doesn't seem to care. By the way I am 20.

  • I understand completely when your family ignore your own needs and just bulldoze over you when you express yourself. It is absolutely within your rights to refuse to go to the wedding if you are feeling unwell. No one should force you to do something against your will, especially your family members who you would hope would have your best interests at heart and put your health first!

    My family frequently pulled this stuff on me throughout my teens and 20's. I am now 30 and am taking some time and space away from them and their toxic cycle of selfishness. I realized that i was never the priority, it was always all about my mother. So I was regularly sacrificed at the altar of her ego. The last time I went along with one of my family's requests, and ignored my own health and intuition, it put me into shock for months and i was diagnosed with PTSD. So not meaning to scare you but there can be serious health consequences to ignoring what your body is telling you.

    If you are tired, rest.

  • Oh you have no idea, I barely slept 3 hours last night, just couldn't relax and get a proper rest. Your story did kind of scare me, as I am afraid of going into shock. I usually have agoraphobia and social anxiety, so going to the wedding in general would put me through a lot of stress, let alone like this, completely wiped out and ready to sleep for 3 days straight honestly. But I can't sleep - I feel on edge because my family just doesn't seem to care and I feel all alone.

    What do I do to not go? You have no idea what hell they'll put me through if I tell them I'm not going - I am too tired to handle their sh*t right now, I just don't have the strength, I am barely even alive today :(

  • I do understand better than you think, it is really really hard and I know that you are between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand if you stand up for yourself, you are going to be dumped on, but if you just go along with their request, you are going to feel tired and miserable.

    Are you living at home right now? Your circumstances might be too difficult for you to really put yourself first at the moment. Taking baby steps to get out there on your own so you are not under their control anymore might be all you can do, think long term rather than short term. Speak to your doctors, perhaps find a therapist or counsellor who can really help and give you some better options.

    It honestly sounds like your family are contributing to your anxiety and adrenal fatigue, not helping it. So the sooner you can get support elsewhere, the better.

    I'm so sorry to scare you with my story- for me it was just the straw that broke the camel's back as I had complied with their requests my whole life. It brought to light the real issue which is what put me in a state of shock, which was going back to childhood. So, different situation to you.

    So to clarify.... I don't think that you going to the wedding will put your longterm health at risk, as far as anxiety goes, my psychiatrist said that it feels worse than it is. It won't kill you, it will just feel uncomfortable.

    You are safe, don't panic, it's not the end of the world. All things pass. You will get through this.

    But having said this, your family will continue to make unreasonable requests of you until you take steps to get out of their control. A tiny step like phoning a helpline is better than no step at all. Even posting on this forum is helping you regain a sense of sanity.

    Because it is your family who are being unreasonable not you. You are the normal one. Just try to stay strong. If you absolutely have to drag yourself to the wedding to avoid the onslaught of abuse, then you will get through it ok. But if you make the choice not to go, just say you are too sick and hold your ground...they can't physically drag you there. Whatever is the most gentle easy way for you to protect yourself, take that option.

    For me I had to leave home before I was able to see things clearly. In the mean time, take good care, and know you are strong and will get through this. xoxoxox sending you good vibes

  • I tried talking to my mom now and she was so stubborn I actually started crying (I NEVER cry in front of people, that's how mad I was and sad!!!) and we have come to a conclusion that nobody would need to go to the wedding if it weren't for my father who is making all of us go, even my mom doesn't actually want to go.

    But she also said something hurtful... she said she doesn't want me to become "the freak of the family"... Even though I was crying so horribly I tried to maintain some balance and some equilibrium in my head and to rationally explain how I feel.

    I also have some issues with my family that stem all the way to childhood, so I get where you're coming from.

    And basically my mom literally stopped mid conversation, said "oh my look at the time, where are my keys? here they are, bye" and just left. It was LITERALLY like that. I just sat there with my mouth wide open, tears all over my face and flushed after emotionally yelling for 10 minutes straight. I don't know if she took me seriously, she seemed like she thought I was making it all up just because I wasn't feeling like going, and she couldn't understand what I meant by saying "stress from going to the ceremony" until I literally told her: "mom. I cannot be amongst people for longer than 5 minutes. Do you not remember a week ago at the mall what happened? I barely lasted for 20 minutes" and that actually made her shut up and she was generally baffled.

    I have absolutely no idea how things are gonna go from now on, I am home alone basically, and waiting for my mom to pick up dad and then comes trouble and make it double. I already took a benzo. I literally do not know what to expect now when they return back home and I am terrified. I feel like a soldier about to enter war, front line. :(

  • By the way I wish it was just the anxiety, but it isn't. I have not slept in 4 days properly - just imagine how that must feel, and make it double considering I have adrenal fatigue. I am literally a walking corpse that still cannot sleep, no matter what, because of the anxiety. I am physically not able to attend this wedding, no matter how much I want to just to get rid of them if nothing else. Please trust me, no one else does x

  • I trust you sweetlolly11. What you feel is real. I was just trying to comfort you so that you could think clearly about what you should do, because no sleep makes you unable to deal with anything. It sounds like your body is screaming out to you to rest. I know the feeling of going to war with your parents when they are being unreasonable.

    You are not the freak of the family, that is a hurtful thing to say. It's just your mother projecting her own fears of holding everything together.

    Just know you are not alone in this. Keep us posted with what happens and try to stay strong and listen to your body. I am sending you hugs and saying a prayer.

  • Thank you for your kindness, I appreciate it so much, I will write a post tomorrow or something x

  • You know Sweetlolly, I am the opposite of your parents and I know the feeling of family being upset. Tough... It took me a long time to be able to say that. But now that I'm the mother, I respect my daughter's decision if she is unable to do things. At 20years old, you are the age of consent and should be able to make that decision. I do understand the pressure though.

    Push it aside for now and see what tomorrow holds for you. We will be here to support you and most of all to understand. xx

  • Please read what I replied to the person above x

  • Agree Sweetlolly, you are in a bind right now between other health issues and no sleep. I don't know what to tell you except to hold your ground. Your body, your life, your health. x

  • Thank you, I have done things for my family many times so far and trust me, I know when things are just too much for me to handle and this is definitely the case. x

  • Hi Sweetlolly11. You need to sit down and talk to your mom about your situation, maybe she dont understand. What test where done to determine that you have adrenal fatigue, and what are your systoms ? What is it about the wedding is strength you ? Is it the thought of being in a crowd ?

  • Hi Sweetlolly11. Me again, Valachia T. I was trying to ask, what is it about the wedding that is stressing you ? After reading your story again, I see you have been trying to talk to your mom, and sometimes people don't understand , unless they have been through it. I hope you find a way to make her understand your situation. God bless.

  • I am just starting my recovery, it's still difficult for me to, I don't know, go grocery shopping or to a mall and I can't handle more than about an hour and a half even on my best days, so I'm still pretty fresh in recovery and I just need time. This wedding is just putting so much pressure on me, because it's a situation I cannot really escape, and there are going to be HUNDREDS of people, and they like to talk and they're loud - I get easily overwhelmed by too many noises and bright scenery. I am still having trouble in general to be outside during the day, the light bothers me. I am dizzy and lightheaded because of the anxiety. I was actually prepared to go through with it, but lately I've just been having this horrible insomnia that, paired with my state, makes me horribly tired and literally unable to even leave my home. I would have actually gone to the wedding if I was able to sleep and get a proper rest. I am just physically feeling very bad and really don't need to be pressured into doing this as it drains me even more.

  • DON'T GO to the wedding! Nothing and no-one is worth jeopardizing your health for.

    Your parents will probably flip their wigs. Big deal. You're of age. You're unwell. You have a right to make your own decisions. She's probably worried about what she's going to say to all the folks who ask where you are.

    As I said make a mental decision not to go. Stand your groung with your parents. Just tell them in one sentence and then end the conversation. No if's or but's from them. Once you've done that, you probably will sleep like a baby.

    Also, get your Dr to pen something to them since it seems your mother doesn't believe you. Maybe she'll believe the Dr.

    Your first responsibility in this instance is to yourself.


  • I understand totally. But they just want you there to be with the family. You could go show face until you feel like you no longer feel like being there. Its better to show face then leave than to not even turn up? You never know you might be relaxed once you are there and you might enjoy it. If you are really tired just on the H20 lol x

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