I feel like I can't live without him

My husband and I have been together will be 3 years in January. September 30th was our one year wedding anniversary. October 27th he told me he wanted a divorce. We moved to Mississippi from Louisiana a couple of months ago and we couldn't be happier. Or so I thought. I've been back in Louisiana for two days and he's still in Mississippi. He doesn't want to talk to me right now. He says he wants a few days apart to see if he wants to work on things. I can not deal with this. It's been a week since I ate, slept, or even smiled. Everytime I close my eyes I picture him with another woman. My heart literally hurts and I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know if I should go back to Mississippi to find him and see if we can work on things or just wait for him. He does not want me back right now so I know if I go find him it will make things worse. I just can't get the thoughts of him with someone else out of my mind. I can't get the thoughts of me without him out my head. I feel like I just want to end my life to stop the thoughts and the pain. My anxiety and depression is through the roof. I've had three real best friends in my life, my mom, my dad and my husband. My dad died in 2000, my mom died in 2011 and now my husband is leaving. I can't deal with this!

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27 Replies

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  • Hi I'm really tired but wanted to say hi. You will cope but I know it's hard. Did you feel there was any build up to this? Please be kind to yourself.

  • No there was no build up whatsoever. I even have a picture of us taken the night before he wanted the divorce and you should see the smiles on our faces. I just think that someone might have listened to him more than I did or that person might have talked to him in a better way that I might have, I don't know. All I do know is one conversation since then, we are arguing and the next he's telling me he loves me. I'm so confused

  • Heartbroken5285, It sounds like you are both confused right now for different reasons. Give him the time and space he needs to figure himself out. A relationship on someone being so needy never works. If need be, you CAN live without him, you WILL live without him. But it hasn't come to that yet, try not to project yourself into that scenario.

    Be careful what you promise yourself right now in that you can forgive him for past indiscretions just so you can be together again. That seed is planted in your mind and will grow each time there is a doubt in your mind. A relationship is all about 2 people meeting half way. Not one going over the line in order to make up for the other backing off.

    If it's true love, it will survive this time apart. And you will be a stronger person for that. Know that the saying "the heart wants what the heart wants" is not always what is best for happiness. My thoughts and wishes for your happiness are there for you. I hope your dreams come true. xx

  • This seems very unusual behaviour, first you must find out if he has become involved with someone else, I know thats not what you want to hear but the question needs asking and you should ask him direct and take careful note of his demeanour when he answers. Maybe he isn't but either way you need to know all the facts before you decide how to respond.

    But remember nobody is indispensable, as a contingency plan you should remember that you can replace him and then feel the same way about someone new in time. Of course you could, your wellbeing does not depend completely on one other human being, you are a whole person not half of one whole. We all experience heartbreak sometime but we manage and move forward. And don't start blaming yourself which I see creeping into your post, you have nothing to blame yourself for. Maybe it's not as bad as you think but stay strong and show your strength to him when dealing with him. Also you need food and sleep if you want to come out on top.

  • I'm trying so so hard to be strong but I'm so lost. I could understand if we were having bad times before he wanted me out but we weren't. In the whole 3 years together, we never spent a night apart. He was home every night. Even when he said he wanted a divorce we were still at home, in bed with each other every night. We weren't touchy Feely but he was home. He said he just wants some time to clear his head and see what he really wants. I just don't know what to do if it's not me, not us he wants. I can forgive the cheating, I can. I can forgive everything if he would just want us back together

  • Hon, my husband and I were together 28 years and one day he just up and walked out on me. I felt the exact same way you do. I am 55 years old and severely overweight from complications of a medication I was put on so I felt like my life was over. No one will ever want me!! Well, I made it through four years of horror and now I'm just fine with not being with him. He has become a pitiful alcoholic and I really feel sorry for him. My point is, you, I'm assuming, are young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Work on YOU! It's hard but you HAVE TO pull yourself together and start making plans for YOUR FUTURE!! You love him and you want him but you don't need him! Don't ever believe your life is over because your heart is broken. It will get easier. You take care of you. Go to your Dr and tell him or her what is going on and that you can't eat or sleep. They can put you on something short term to help you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. My email is jennellgrim@hotmail.com. If you want to talk email me. Just tell me you are heartbroken 5285 so I recognize you. I'm not really religious but I do believe in God and I pray. I said a prayer for you tonight to ask God to ease your pain tonight. That's the last you'll hear about religion from me. I just wanted you to know I prayed for your peace tonight. Take care.

    Jennell

  • So you honestly didn't know anything was wrong?? Have you been intimate regularly until now? I agree it is possible someone came into the picture but don't rush to judgment and work yourself up. He is saying he needs space so give him that for now. In a week or so you deserve to know what he is thinking

  • No, just days before this started we were crying together and him telling me how much I've changed his life for the better and saved him from himself. He says he still loves me and cares for me but he also says he's done. I just don't know what to think anymore

  • Sorry sweetie that is really sad 😒 I feel like there is something you don't know about. One of two things is happening : one, he has felt this way for a while and couldn't bring himself to tell you. Or two, he really changed overnight and that leads me to wonder if there is an old flame that showed up and he misses her or met someone that he fell for rapidly. I am wondering if it's the first scenario - when you say he was crying and telling you the night before that you changed his life etc I feel like that may have been his first attempt to tell you but all that came out was the reasons why he felt guilty that his feelings changed

  • I'm not going to lie, that makes perfect sense to me. I haven't thought about it that way. That was one thing I couldn't understand was why the day before was when we had that heart to heart. Thank you for that point of view

  • You are welcome and I'm sorry for your pain. Let us know how it works out if you can. I'm thinking of you 😇

  • You sound a jealous person if I'm honest. You didn't go on at him about other women with insecurity problems ??.

  • I'm not jealous in the slightest. I never accused him of sleeping around. All I'm saying is I was having a hard time thinking of who he will be with while we are split up

  • I feel your pain so much. I'm in the same situation, but it is after 40 years. My husband no longer wants to be with me, and I spend all my time crying and wondering what went wrong. Until 6 months ago I thought we were the happiest couple; I know I was very happy and loved my life. I've now been in six months of hell, and I don't know how to get out of it. He is still here and says he wants to continue to be married but not have to do any of the husband things--like share anything, no physical contact, and complete coldness. I can't bring myself to leave, although all my family and friends cannot understand why I'm staying. I keep hoping things will go back to the way they were for me, but realistically I know that will never happen. I don't wish this life on my worst enemy, and I'm so sorry it is happening to you too.

  • I'm sorry to hear that. My parents have been married 35 years and they are struggling in retirement with not wanting the same things in life. ... My dad wants to stay at home all the time but my mom wants more in life. She told me there tons of people living married but separately and she researched it etc. I can't imagine being married so long and not knowing what the future holds. I'm sorry you're going through this.

  • So sorry to hear this Heartbroken 5285 😞 I know it will be hard but space is the best thing for you both to figure things out. Maybe he will decide to stay but then maybe, after a little time apart you may be the one to realise that actually you are stronger than you think and you CAN do it. You may even come to enjoy your time without him. Remember that you are worth so much more than that and you mustn’t let his feelings define your sense of worth. If it doesn’t work out the way you want it, don’t let it discourage you from living your life to the fullest. Don’t be afraid to smile and laugh again and don’t feel guilty if you find yourself having fun. Surround yourself with your friends who love you. If it’s the end of your marriage, just know that you can and will find love again. Sometimes we have to go through the worst of heartbreaks and the toughest situations to finally find our true happiness and the person we were destined to be with. I wish you all the best and all the health and happiness in the world and I truly hope things work out. But remember, you are amazing, you are beautiful, you are lovable and you are strong! 🙂

  • Ok, update time. Last night when we talked on the phone. I told him I felt like just ending it all. He said he was going to call the police so they can come check on me. I refused to tell him where I was so he had my phone pinged so the cops can locate me. They did. They brought me to the local hospital to get checked on. The doctor said I was fine to go home. Today, I tried getting out in public. Every single thing reminded me of him and I was miserable. After that, I spent the rest of the day with my in-laws. They are letting me spend the night here. While talking with them, I've come to realize the amount of lies he has told me. For the past 3 years he has told me he was in the air force. He always told me not to bring it up with his parents because it's not easy for them to talk about it. So I never did (I wouldn't have a reason to doubt him being in the military ). I brought it up tonight. Come to find out, his mom, dad and brother all said he was never in the air force. It is now 9:45 pm and he has still never called me today. He was/is an alcoholic when we met and I've helped him change his life around. I do know he's starting to drink again. His parents said they are done with him because they have helped him more times than they can count and if he doesn't want to get the help he needs then there's nothing they can do for him if he can't see he has a problem. It's now 9:50 pm and still no word from him. Deep down, I am okay with the fact that he didn't call. The only thing is, if he's so worried about me, why didn't he call to check on me from last night? And I still have a hard time thinking of him with another woman. BUT, I only cried once today compared to all day. And I am not as upset as I thought I'd be that he hasn't called once.

  • Keep it up hon! You are soooo strong!! It will all be a faint memory before you know it!

  • I have a question. I only tried calling him once today. The only reason I tried to call was because I knew he was at work so he wouldn't answer the phone. My question is, I don't want to seem desperate and keep calling him but I'm also afraid that if he sees I'm not calling I'm scared that he thinks I don't care anymore. I don't know what to do.

  • Try not to contact him unless you absolutely have to. If he doesn’t hear from you it may do him some good. He probably expects you to be needy with him and he’s probably expecting you to be crumbling but if you don’t cater to his expectations, he’ll probably be wondering why you haven’t been that way. In effect it’s pretty much better for you to leave him be for a bit longer. Wait for him to contact you, make him do the running, make him realise what he’s missing 🙂

  • Update again, now I know he's cheating on me and I can't even begin to count the lies I'm catching him in. Now my sadness is turning into anger. A very small part of me wants him back but the rest of me is mad as hell. Everytime I confront him about a lie I'm catching him in he turns the tables and tells me I'm too paranoid. I'm pissed off because he is treating us like just a couple that's dating, not married. Is the anger normal??

  • Sorry to hear that Heartbroken5285 yes it's normal but just be careful and don't let the anger get out of control. Alcoholics often lie as well. I know it's upsetting but you are worth so much more than this.

  • I have a question. I don't know for 100% but I do suspect that he left me for another woman. Do you think I should let her know what kind of man she's dealing with? Should I let her know the lies he's telling her? I know she will eventually find out on her own, but the wait is getting to me. I know he's telling her everything she wants to hear so she can give him what he wants. I just don't know if I should contact her and let her know or just be patient? I also know that if I contact her then he will make it sound like I'm crazy or lying. I just don't know what to do. Like I said, I have no rock hard proof he's with someone else but I'm also not stupid and know him better than anyone

  • Heartbroken5285 please try to keep your emotions together. Telling her is not the way in getting him back. Do you even know there is a her?

    She will find out in her own time. It's about him right now in figuring out what he wants in life. Nothing you do or say will matter at this point. He needs time to discover it for himself in where he is going in life. I'm sorry x

  • Thank you. Deep down I know it's best to keep my distance from him and whoever he's with. It's just gut wrenching to think of what he's telling her, etc. But I also know that no matter what I say or do right now will not win him back, in fact probably push him further away. It's just not easy.

  • I know dear how you are struggling right now between your emotions and being rational as to the right thing to do. It's never easy when it has to do with affairs of the heart. You are worth more than what he is doing to you. This happens to both men and women alike. The forum has many people who have come forward with the same heartbreak. Knowing you are not alone in this situation I know doesn't help right now, the wound is too fresh. But I've seen people who have given themselves some space and have come back a better and happier person for it.

    Keep using the forum for support. Others sharing your pain will come forward as you learn from others and others learn from you.

    My heart goes out to you. xx

  • It does help to know others are going through it or have felt the same. I don't feel so alone. It feels better to know that I'm getting advice from people that doesn't know me or my husband. The advice isn't coming from someone taking sides. It's almost a week since I've spoken to him and I'm just not used to this. I've been sleeping a little better and my food is finally starting to stay down. I don't cry nearly as much, and I know I CAN live without him, but if I can just get these thoughts of him with someone else out my head I would be so much better. I do have a feeling he'll come crawling back but I also feel like I'm putting my life on hold to wait for him, which is almost what I feel like I need to do. I know he's not putting his life on hold. I'm just so afraid that if I start moving on then THAT'S when he'll finally call.

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