Suffering badly with anxiety again..

[millerlou80]

Hi, I've been suffering with anxiety for many years from my teens, but as I've got older (I'm in my thirties) it seems to have got worse. I have been having counselling for almost a year and a half which helps but it keeps coming back.

I should be really happy and anxiety-free at the moment as my partner and I have just bought a house and things are going ok. I do have family issues though which I think have brought it on. My older sister no longer speaks to my mum and is planning on moving away. My sister also cut me off for several months because I didn't agree with the way in which she just cut mum off, as she didn't tell her why she just decided she didn't want to see her ever again. She did the same to me when she cut me off without telling me why to start off with. She now wants to keep in touch by email - it's upsetting as we were so close and spoke on the phone everyday.

My mum has been extremely hard work for both of us and yes, I do feel as though she can be a noose around my neck as I am now having to deal with her on my own. She is a very paranoid, angry person who complains about anything and everything and it is always depressing being around her because she never has anything nice to say.

I have had bouts of anxiety and panic attacks where it has really affected my work life as I get stressed very easily and am quite a shy person so find if I'm working with lots of people especially those who appear to be confident and outgoing this also seems to make me feel anxious, as I am constantly wishing I was more like them and not me.

I lost my last job because of my anxiety as it was really stressful there (for me), as I was the admin person for a team of over 100 people. I am currently working as a temp for a local Council office which has been going ok, although I am not sure if my manager likes me or not! I may be paranoid and extra sensitive, but I have found him quite difficult to approach and have to really think about what I need to say / ask him when I need help with work which isn't easy. Everybody else in the team are fine and I actually can have a laugh with them which is nice.

The other difficulty I have in this job is the Monday morning team catch up meeting. We go around the table and each say what tasks we have for the week. Even though I know everyone in the team (there are 9 of us), I get really nervous when I have to speak and get all tongue-tied and go red. I really do not like speaking in a group and I think this made me not want to go in on Monday feeling the way I feel as I usually absolutely dread every Monday!

My anxiety has caused me to take a quite a few sick days off since I started there 6 months ago, however this week, I have not managed it in at all. Because I have had a couple of occasions where I have called in sick, this week I told my manager my mother isn't very well and I have had to look after her. I am wracked with guilt for lying, and to have used my mother as an excuse, but I felt I couldn't call in sick again for fear of losing my job.

My partner has been supportive, but at first I couldn't face telling him I didn't make it in to work this week and lied to him saying I was sent home because of no work (which has been the case before). I didn't want to worry him but then felt so bad I told him the truth yesterday. He was ok about it.

It is really hard trying to lead a normal life, especially holding down a full time job. I wondered if anyone else has faced this difficulty? I have tried part time hours but it's not enough to pay a mortgage and bills. I am considering psychotherapy and wondered if anyone has tried this and is it effective?

Sorry for the long post but I do feel a bit better getting it off my chest.

Louise

[moley64]

Hi Millerlou,

I think that it is a good idea to get things off your chest. By writing things down you have a chance to really look at what is bothering you.

From your post I can see that you have issues with your mother that I can identify with. I get the impression that these issues whilst being important are not your real concern. My feeling is that they are in the background and become more of an issue when you have work related difficulties. I have found this to be the case in my own life. I have a poor relationship with my mother which I can cope with when the rest of life is fairly stable.

I had to leave my last job because of work related anxiety. I from personal experience think that psychotherapy could help. However, I would recommend that you look at changing the type of work that you do. I would recommend that you ask yourself " what type of work could I be happy doing?" Given that you have a supportive partner it may be the case that he can support you while you train to do another type of work. A quote that I read " The worsted day of a job you enjoy, is better than the best day of a job that you hate".

I wish you every happiness and success in the future.

Moley

[millerlou80 in reply to moley64]

Hi Moley,

Thanks for your response and sorry to hear you too have not had an easy time of it.

I agree, if the rest of my life is going ok I can deal with my mum to a degree, although she usually says something really negative and brings me down.

I would love to do something I enjoy workwise - ideally working with animals in a rescue centre. Unfortunately transport to the centres, which are a distance from where I live are not good and I don't have the use of a car so feel that is not really an option which is a shame.

I will definitely look in to a session of psychotherapy, thanks for your encouragement of this.

Take care,

Louise

[moley64 in reply to millerlou80]

Hi Louise,

I hope that you are feeling better.

Something that I try to always remember " You can always cope with the present moment". The most difficult thing is dealing with how you think you will feel at a future moment. Try when at work especially to think in the current moment, let 5 minutes time an hour's time be something that you deal with when get there.

Have a really good week.

M

[seyi]

Hi millerlou

So sorry your having a hard time and i can appreciate how difficult coping with anxiety can be its nothing but a nightmare. One moment you are feeling good about yourself and things look promising then bang the dreaded panic attacks are lurking once more to bring you down.

I am sorry you are having family issues and i suppose this is adding extra pressure to what you are already coping with. Sometimes families can put tremendous strain and its always in our subconscience and hurtful. I look after my elderly parents and a mother in law with alzheimer's disease as my husband is an only child so the pressure is on for us both

I know its difficult in this day and age when everyone needs to work to pay bills and a mortgage and appreciate like myself need to work.

I have been off work since middle of Jan with anxiety and panic attacks and was being phased back but finding it so hard and cannot cope. I went to see the Doctor again today and his suggested 3 days a week afternoons only to see if i can manage. I am in a panic because i financially need to work and do not want to lose a job i have been in for 7 years and love.

I can understand why you called in saying your Mum was unwell it is because we are forced into the situation and do not want other's to know what we are feeling and what we have no control over. I would not worry about a white lie to be honest. Your well being is the most important factor.

I am glad you have a husband that is supportive this is a tremendous help. It is hard to live a normal life as we term it and becomes frustrating. But we all pray for a recovery.

I would suggest trying psychotherapy i am having this at the moment as well as acupunture you have nothing to lose but alot to gain if it helps you.

Please remember you are not alone and everyone here can relate and will try and lift your spirits give you encouragement and help. Just chatting can be of some comfort.

Take care

Hugs

Love Seyi xxxx

[millerlou80 in reply to seyi]

Hi Seyi,

Thanks for your reply and sorry you too are also having a rough time. It is like being on a rollercoaster constantly. One minute I feel ok and that life is bearable and the next like I feel now really on edge and constantly worrying about things (mainly going back in to work tomorrow). I emailed my manager on Friday with another lie which I again feel awful about to say that I would be later in as I had to take my mother to the doctors. I felt I couldn't manage the dreaded Monday morning meeting and have to explain I didn't know what tasks I had on this week because I was off with my mum last week. I really dread those meetings and there was no way I could've faced it tomorrow, being my first day back.

I am very on edge and have been all day worrying about tomorrow, but the frustrating thing is it will probably be ok, I'm just feeling bad for lying and it really is down to how I'm feeling I think.

I hope you're feeling well again soon.

Take care,

Louise