Major depressive disorder

[raisin44]

I was with my ex for 36 years before I foiled for a divorce. We remained close . December 2023 was 1 year for our divorce. He had at least 3 affairs that I proved, I believe he had at least 3 or 4 more that I couldn’t prove. He asked me to move in with him February this year, I did because I thought the affair was over and I also still love him. I don’t know why I still love him. I think he is still cheating now. I have checked myself into 2 psych wards in October and December last year and I tried to kill myself. I take several depression pills and go to a group therapy 3 times a week. I belong to several online depression sites. I pray everyday that God will give me strength and courage to leave, because I can’t do it on my own. Every time I think about leaving him I get very upset and have suicidal thoughts. He has destroyed me. I have never had confidence in myself. I’m lonely and hate my situation. I don’t know what to do. I know my life is messed up. My ex is the only person I have ever been with. I am so dependent on him. So for the rant.

[litethatnevergoesout]

raisin44, I can picture your stress and depression very clearly. you are caught between two extremely difficult choices given your inability to just walk away. I do know how hard that can be. staying with him is also ruining your health. only you can make this decision. there is help for you should you decide to leave. without proper help and work on his part there won’t be a reason or incentive for him to change and so he will not, whether or not your suspicions are true I believe that it’s inevitable he will continue his infidelity. leaving him doesn’t mean you must stop loving him.

[hypercat54 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Wow you make a very good point there lite - leaving doesn't mean you stop loving him. Never thought of that before, but it is very relevant.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to hypercat54]

thank you so much hypercat, an idea somewhere along the line I must have picked up perhaps through figuring out how to grieve.

[Ellamaye]

I really hope you can regain your independence. Your not in the dark about the truth of your situation but clearly feel powerless . Your self worth has been trampled on . Is there a line you feel cannot be crossed? Or have you resigned yourself to take whatever he dishes out? I ask because if there is a line then maybe that can be your cut off point? I think you are in there somewhere and I think you deserve more xx

[hypercat54]

A large part of this is letting go of the past and recognising that the reason you feel so down and hopeless is due to him. He has worn you down over the years to the point where you feel you can't do anything.

But you can and you must otherwise he will wear you down to nothing in the end. Do you want this? No of course not. Reach out to family/friends and outside bodies as you must leave this abusive awful man.

It is only once you are away from him and his terrible behaviour that you can begin to heal. And I mean away completely -no remaining friends or in touch at all. Think of it like breaking any other addiction ie to alcohol or tobacco etc. and made your decision that you are going to stop it.

I believe you have the strength and courage to do this.

[CLB1125]

Im sorry you are going through this. You said you had left him before, so you know you can do it again. He will never ever change, he is destroying you little by little. You deserve so much more. The depression has drained you and your fight. Don’t let either of them win!! You did it before , you can do it again! You have history with him so there will always be a place in your heart for him. You will grieve for your lost love but you will heal too. My thoughts will be with you.

[Elizabeth830]

We share some similar circumstances. I too thought that I “loved” my husband. However, after moving out August 2023, I feel like it wasn’t love, it was an attachment. I was scared to leave as well even though I am a highly qualified person (good job, well educated and in relatively good health), more so than he and I also went from living with my parents to being married. I never lived on my own. But I think it was his abuse that kept me scared that I couldn’t make it on my own.

I still have really bad days but it is usually due to a triggering event. My husband was also the only person I was ever with. I had sex on this huge pedestal all because he valued having a wife that had only been with him and degraded women for having a realistic number of partners all while he was with double digit women by the age of 20. I’m happy to report that sex isn’t as big of a deal as I had it in my mind. Don’t get me wrong it’s nice to have your person but I had ill conceived notions in my head for decades.

What helped me was a consult with a lawyer who built me up so to speak, told me I deserve better. And also making “to-do” lists. Make yourself some lists of things you can do to start moving forward leaving him, start small. Get together whatever paperwork you might need to separate, change beneficiaries on things, sell some stuff you never use, find a tribe of people that will be there for you on the dark days.

I’m almost a year out from filing for divorce and as I said I have been living on my own since August. There has not been one day that I cried or thought that I made a mistake leaving him.

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I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. My heart goes out to you. I'm sure your self esteem has taken a huge hit. I hope you have a good therapist. We're always here to listen as well. Hugs! Barbara