Eating disorder Relapse

[Penguinlover09]

I was diagnosed with an eating disorder in 2014. It came about when my life was out of control-my dad left. My eating became the one thing I could control in my life. My school noticed and called my mom. I told her I needed help. I went to two treatment centers. The first one kicked me out after 30 days for not trying and the 2nd kept me for 6 months before scaring me into getting transferred to somewhere else. I refused to go to a 3rd treatment center in less than a year so I did what I needed to do to get discharged with the intention of going back to my eating disorder. That lasted a month until my mom picked up on it and kicked me out saying she cant watch me kill myself...I eventually found a man who was patient with me and sat with me during meals...I got better.

Now 12 years later that man walked away. No warning. He found another woman and says he just doesnt love me anymore ( i dont believe this because he still treated me and spoke to me the same I think he just got bored and sought out a thrill) anyway, no shocker that he left and my eating disorder came back. Its been 3 months and I lost about 40 lbs and now most of that is because of my depression from heartbreak and I was told it was normal but now 3 months later and I think I am using it as an excuse. My body is no longer rejecting food but I am forcing it to again. It is starting to become my way of living again. I am constantly thinking about my next meal and if I can purge or not and if I cant then i just wont eat until that meal. I have a sick thought that if my ex sees that I relapse that hell feel guilty that he caused this and hurt. I just want him to have a consequence. It doesnt seem like he has any consequences for what he did to me and this is a consequence I can control. I know it will bother him if he sees that i relapsed because of him.

Yes I am in therapy and yes my therapist knows about my purging. I am trying to work on it because deep down I know how this is going to end...i am going to loose control over my eating and it will backfire and I will loose everything I have worked for. I just cant get past the idea of him getting some type of karma or consequence. I am devasted by what he did to me and hes living his best life with this new woman and its just not fair.

[sotired67]

Dear Penguinlover09,

I'm so sorry to know that you have had an eating disorder that has been exacerbated by the break-up of your relationship with your ex-partner.

I have no knowledge about the causes and solutions of eating disorders and sadly I don't have any medically certified advice to offer you.

What I am slightly knowledgeable about is the link between mental health and the use of food as a means of using it more than one would generally, as a means of alleviating whatever makes you feel stressed and unhappy.

Using my own experience of ''comfort eating'' as a result of having a severe and long-standing mental health disorder called, generalized anxiety disorder, I have developed an unhealthy habit of eating more food than I need.

I also often buy more food than I need to satisfy my daily needs and naturally that has led to excess weight issues which also exacerbates the low self-esteem I have had for most of my life.

It's a complex and difficult issue to deal with and so I completely sympathize with you as the eating disorder coupled with the break-up of the 12-year relationship with your ex remains difficult to cope with it.

I hope that the therapy you are receiving will eventually help you to hopefully overcome the disorder with food and that will be one less issue to cope with.

I wish you all the very best.

Trevor.

[Penguinlover09 in reply to sotired67]

Thank you, I fear it is getting out of control already. Most of my day is thinking about food-ways to avoid it or get rid or it or thoughts about my ex. I just wish I could turn my head off.

[sotired67 in reply to Penguinlover09]

Oh Penguinlover09,

I really feel for you and wish I could offer you something that could ease some of what you feel from day to day.

Nevertheless, I feel glad to see the wealth of kind and supportive replies you have received and though they won't take away the hurt and distress, I hope that to know that people are reaching out to you,

provides some lasting comfort and assurance during your time of need.

Best wishes,

Trevor.

[Penguinlover09 in reply to sotired67]

It does! Thank you!

[sotired67 in reply to Penguinlover09]

Thanks, Penguinlover09.