So, my ex husband (divorced in 2011) who lives in Idaho (kids and I live in Washington) and completely abandoned his kids after our divorce showed up in our city today and called our 17 year old daughter for a lunch date. She is very mature and though shocked, she accepted his offer and met him at the mall for lunch.
She came home happy with new school clothes and told me she was amazed how much she looks like her dad and her dad’s “girlfriend” agreed. At hearing that he had a woman with him, i was struck first with anger that my ex would not give his daughter one on one time. Then I was oddly hit with hurt feelings. He cheated on me towards the end of our 12 year marriage and wanted a divorce so he could be with his ALSO MARRIED girlfriend. He was an abusive alcoholic, but I was codependent on him and the divorce destroyed me. Of course I have moved on and have been with my current boyfriend for 6 years, but my heart just hurt knowing the father of my kids and man I was faithfully married to for so long was with another woman. I feel so stupid!!! Why are these feelings cropping up. I just want to cry and I don’t know why. I feel that sense of loss all over again. Why???!!!
My ex is a jerk. He loves his money more than his children and he makes big money. He would rather sail his sailboat around the Puget Sound (right where we live) with a girlfriend than visit his kids. His business has offices all over the US and one is in Seattle, where we live, and he has been there numerous times without even a phone call to his kids. The kids have struggled with me living on a low income and have had to go without many times as I struggled to figure out how to make ends meet. I was a stay at home mom and had just dedicated 12 years of my life to my husband and kids. I was so lost. I still struggle, but not nearly as bad when I first divorced.
It’s just odd that now he is done paying for child support on our son and will be done paying with our daughter in June, he suddenly wants to connect with one of them. That’s the other messed up part, he wanted to spend time with our daughter not our son. Our son has high functioning autism and a sleep disorder so he is “damaged goods that won’t carry on the last name.” Yes, my ex actually said that. Because our son doesn’t fit the mold of what his dad expected, he has been rejected once again. My son really wanted to see his dad today. 😢
I hate this roller coaster of emotions. I don’t understand why my ex has to dredge up all this hurt.
I know this is long. If you made it this far, thank you for listening and letting me get this poison out of my system.
😕Eileen
Written by
hunter4ransom
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24 Replies
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Oh my goodness, Ms Eileen, you’ve been through so much. I cannot imagine the hurt you must feel. Your ex husband sounds like a very mean person. I don’t blame you at all for feeling this way. I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with this. It just goes to show how right I am about you... You’re such a strong, amazing, beautiful, & capable woman who has had to endure a lot, but you’re going to overcome this. I know it’s easier said than done. You sound like a really incredible mother too. That’s more than your ex can say. Your children know who’s truly there for them. I am always here if you need someone to vent to. Love you, sweet lady! <3 xo
I adore you Kayla. Your words fill me with a renewed strength. Thank you for pointing out that I did endure and I have been an amazing mom through it all. I sometimes forget to acknowledge that.
I’m so proud to be Caleb and Amelia’s mom. That is where my biggest joy comes from. I thank God for blessing me with both of my kids, struggles and all.
❤️Eileen
Hi Eileen,
You’re not stupid at all. I can identify with much of your story. Wildly successful narcissistic husband who I divorced 10 yrs ago for being unfaithful with the woman he then married. We all live on a small island and have two girls in their 20’s. He only remembers them when he is in need of something from them, or when he wants to portray himself as the doting father. I’m now remarried to an amazing man yet I still have moments like you described. I’ve often feel foolish myself for the emotions I still experience when certain triggers are pulled. However, eventually I realized that I’m really very disappointed and hurt by the way things played out. It’s okay to feel the emotion for a bit and then move on. I can say that it does get easier.
You do understand Maddisun! Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I don’t feel so alone with this hurt and sense of abandonment that my ex can unexpectedly dredge up. I had a good cry and called my boyfriend (he works out of town) who was amazingly loving and supportive and I feel much better. Your words were incredibly helpful and healing.
On a bit of a down turn. I was going pretty good for a month I think I might be crashing now. The mind can only expend so much before it needs time to reboot.
Hello Eileen, I'm so sorry that old feelings have crept back in to temporarily haunt you. I have also been where you are at. Getting divorced, especially for us kind hearted, co-dependent gals, is like having a death in the family, except that person is still around from time to time for us to see, or hear about, etc. and that keeps stirring up old memories, and old feelings.
Regardless of how miserable we were with that person, how horrible they treated us, how useless we know they really are, and how much better off we know we are without them in our life, we still grieve the loss. We still get those feelings because they were a huge part of our life at one time, they are the father of our children, they were our best friend, companion, and our everything for many years, but the problem is they didn't see us as being all those things to them, and that wasn't fair to us.
If we stop to think about it realistically we might have not necessarily actually been "in love" with them because they were a horrible person, we were in love with the image of the person we created, and the person we wanted, and needed them to be, but they weren't really that person at all. We put them high up on a pedestal without them deserving to be up there at all.
It's ok to be upset when you hear he's with someone else because you invested a lot of years in this person who treated you badly, and let you down. You're upset because you think that she's getting from him what you desired from him all those years, but I'm willing to bet that isn't the case at all. She's getting the same person that walked out on his family years ago, a man that's not worth your time, your tears, or another thought any longer. Odds are very good that the other woman will be cheated on, and that her days with him are also numbered because that's how men like your ex, and mine operate.
It sounds like you have yourself a wonderful guy in your life now, a man who has stepped up to the plate, and has been the type of male role model your children needed in their life, he is a Real Man, and for that you are truly blessed.
I have always said that I was the most Independent, co-dependent person that I knew, and it sounds like we are a lot alike on that. When mine went off with somebody else, I was sad, angry, and jealous at first, but I realized very quickly that it was better her, than me.
The best advice I can offer you to not allow his presence, and knowing he's with someone else to bother you is to remember him for who he truly was/is, and not for the person you wish he could have been. Good Luck Hun. Hugs!!!
You are so incredibly wise and I’m so grateful for your response. You were able to beautifully put into words exactly what I was feeling. Thank you so much for validating my feelings and making me see I’m not so stupid after all. You truly connected with my experience and I’m so sorry you had to go through this too, but so glad to have someone who has been there and truly understands exactly how I feel. Thank you friend!
I’m sorry to say this but your ex sounds like a jerk especially what he said about your son! It’s hard to understand how men feel about child support. Some think it goes to the mother and they live a fabulous life from it. So dumb. My dad called me when I was 18 and asked if I had health insurance. Then I realized he asked to drop me off his policy.
You’re not dumb and you deserve to have a good cry. You were with him a long time and he’s the father of your kids.
You’re a good, strong and caring mother. Give yourself a pat on the back because you have always been there for your children. I’m happy you have someone in your life now. Hugs,
Thanks Dee. Yes, my ex is a complete ass. He is not a good or kind person. The only good thing he has ever done in his life is give me my son and daughter. I’m still a little down today, but saw my therapist who helped me a lot.
You don't sound stupid to me, you have always sounded like you have a good heart and are a caring person. I'm sorry that your ex is the way he is but we can't control other people in what they say or do. I find it in unreal about what he said about his own son. I also will never understand parents who essentially abandon their own kids or show up when it is an advantage to them. My daughter and I haven't heard from her mom in two years. I don't get it. Considering the fact that she disappointed her constantly, it may be for the best.
You are doing a good job with your kids and eventually (if not already) they will see that you were the one that was always there. Be proud of what you are doing for your kids.
You sound like an amazing dad Marshall. I totally don’t understand how a parent can abandon a child or say horrible things about or to them either. I would go to any lengths to spend time with my kids if I wasn’t given full custody. They are my joy. I would be devastated not being able to see them every day. It just boggles my mind that your ex and my ex so easily detached from the beautiful life they helped create. It is their loss and our gain 😊. How old is your daughter?
My daughter is 12. I have had full custody since she was 6. The mom is entitled to supervised visits and overnights at her mom's.
I miss my daughter when she is gone for a weekend so I don't get not even attempting to contact your own child for two years. Fortunately my daughter is happy and thriving.
You sound like one heck of a great mom and person!! What kind of parent doesn’t want to see their son because he thinks that he isn’t perfect ? Who does that?? O. M. G. Consider the source!!
Lol! You made me smile Glenda. Yes, the source is an insane , egotistical, narcissistic, cold and void of any emotion man who is incapable of feeling or giving love. He measures life by dollar signs and how many people he can control to feel successful. He is a pitiful man, isn’t he? 😊 Eileen
I’m glad I made you smile. Sounds like he’s very lost as to what the real value in this life is. And that is love. Without that—life would be empty. Yeah money is nice and makes you have more material things but sounds like you have the real gift in the fact that you love and care for your kids like you do. Great mom!!!
You need to sit your ex down and tell him how you feel and let him know what he put you and your kids through. Then you can finally forgive and live a whole life. I know i been then. If you can forgive you want be a whole person. My daughters dad would beat me and rape me, I got tired of it and i left. I a married to a wonderful man now and I have forgive my childs father, and I let the past go after holding on to the pain for 22 years. I feel loads better and i am a survivor.
My ex and I have no contact with each other. I don’t even have a current phone number or email address for him. He made it clear he wanted no contact with me after he tried several times to make sexual advances towards me right after we divorced and I told him NO. I reached out a few times after that regarding serious issues w our son and he told me I was harassing him and if the kids had a problem THEY could call him. There is no way to reach him (nor do I want to) so I’m working on forgiving myself for allowing such a shallow hurtful person to verbally and physically abuse me and our son and verbally abuse our daughter. I have tremendous guilt over that. I’m a work in progress. 😊
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