Going on a terrible “holiday”

[vanessi]

Hello, I hope somebody can read this and can reply to me, I need somebody that can understand me. I’ll try to be very brief.

When I started writing on this blog it was because my boyfriend broke up with me in 2017. I entered in a big depression and started developing severe anxiety. I had a little bit of depression when I was 17, but I don’t feel it was like at that moment. My ex boyfriend, by then, was Irish and he was living in Ireland. I’m from Mexico.

When I entered to all this, my mom was the only one who helped me out and with the time, I started getting better. It was then, I was still in love, so I decided to move to Canada with my twin sister to live other experiences in another country. Being there I applied for a job in France, all this I did because I was gonna be near to my ex and perhaps when we knew it, he would try to come back together.

When I moved to France in 2019, I started feeling very anxious and depressed. I was terrified because I didn’t know anybody in the city I was gonna live, and it was a really small city too. Thank god, the first week and I spend the time with some friends that where there by chance. It was not until I was left on my own in a place called Agen. My French was very poor due the lack of practice in Mexico. Again at least as I got the job and a place before going to France, my coordinator helped me out with everything and she spoke Spanish as well. But she was only a colleague, old woman with family living in the countryside.

With time, I started immersing in the culture, after this, once my ex knew I was very near to him, he went to visit me the 2nd week I arrived in France. When we met in the airport we both cried and kiss and we knew from there we wanted to be together. After that we are together till then, 2022.

After we came back together, I feel more supported, he was living and working in Ireland and me same but in France, we met every 3 weeks and when I have 2 weekend holidays every month and a half. (Life before coronavirus)

One day I met someone in Agen, just after a month I arrived, by then my boyfriend and I were already in a relationship, I was in a bar on my own cos at that moment I didn’t have friends. having a pizza and beer and a guy told the waiter to offer me a drink, I accepted because I didn’t know anybody and I felt alone, at the end, as the city is very small, the guy came to know everything about me without me knowing. It was the first time I saw him but he knew where I was from, where I was working, who with I was working, except my name. I was very intrigued. He asked my number but I said it was better if he gave me his( I was not gonna call him) cos by the time my bf and I were together. He gave me his number and insisted in me calling so he could save mine. I accepted. That was a Thursday. During the weekend I had an argument with my boyfriend and I got so drunk that on Sunday I was all day in bed. The guy called me, I didn’t reply, he texted me inviting me for a coffee to know each other and I said I had bf but he insisted so much and I was mad that I accepted, from then a story started between us.

I started being mean to my bf because deep inside and I still felt angry with him for the breakup, for the anxiety, the depression and the bad moments I had in 2017. Eventually I was planning to move in 2020 to Ireland with my bf but the coronavirus ruined everything. So I was gonna stay in France only for 8 months and ended up being stuck there for a year and a half, on my own, without working, without being able to travel to see my bf. I felt vulnerable at that moment and i refugee myself with this man, spent some quarantine together etc. I never could make any friend before the coronavirus because he was very jealous, he didn’t let any man to come close to me, and his girl friends, when they invited me to go out like girls night, he was all the time mad thinking I was gonna do smth. Because I that, I struggle to make friends now. He was treating me to tell everything to my bf if I did something wrong and his friends where watching out in case they saw me doing something.

Eventually I moved in December 2021 to live with my boyfriend, but know I feel very sad again, I feel during all these years, there is been someone who drags me down.

I don’t trust anybody, I don’t have friends. I got lots of anxiety and depression to the point of killing myself. I hate him having friends because I feel he is happier when he is not with me. We have had lots of arguments because of that. He feels trapped, he has been very patient cos he says he loves me so much, and he really wan to help me. So I’ve already agreed to see a psychologist or a therapist during this year, to help me out with my fears and abandonment problems.

Now I’ve been crying for 2 days because I’m going right now to France, to Agen. The place where I lived. I’m coming back because I made a promise and I’ve been keep dreaming about going there to solve things. I have to do it cos it won’t be out of my mind and I won’t feel relieved this year either. When I left Agen, I left in the middle of night, no saying a word to anybody or a goodbye. Now I’m going to finish with everything. This guy has been texting me during the whole year 2021 cos he didn’t know when I left and where I currently live. He has feelings for me and I have feelings for him but I can’t keep doing this to me and my bf.

But then all the bad thought, my negativity had me crying for 2 days before going. My bf was encouraging me to get some days off as holidays and then come back. He only want me to be happy but I feel vulnerable without him because he is the only one who accepts me with this depression. The only one who, even sometimes gets irritated, the only one who dry my tear and try to cheer me up. But I’m scared to feel like these last two days and not having no one in France. After these days, I’m coming back home on Sunday, I don’t think I’m gonna be going back to Agen, even tho I have this city as apart of me, it also hurts me, the good, the bad and the worst moments are still hurting me.

Thank you so much if you read all this, I tried to be as brief as I could.

What can I do to not feel like this anymore. Mad, jealous, depressed, scared, anxious, lost, dependent and all the bad things.

Thanks

Vanessa

[Dell12345]

Hey, I'm sorry you feel like this. With depression and anxiety it's very hard to know how you really feel about anything because they have such a powerful effect.

Have you spoken to a doctor at all?

It sounds like CBT and or medication could really help you find your feet and work things out.

X

[vanessi in reply to Dell12345]

I haven’t spoken to any doctor. That’s one the things I’ve already agreed to do. I just read about what you said. My symptoms are:Depression

Anxiety

Panic attacks

Insomnia

Fear

Alcohol abuse

Madness

Jealousy

[Dell12345 in reply to vanessi]

That's good you are going to see a doctor, they should be able to give you good advice and maybe recommend a medication to try. Your symptoms are all very common with anxiety and depression. Many of us have been there and recovered.

It may be worth talking to a therapist who does CBT too. Or try googling the Treatments That Work series of books, find the one best suited to you, and then search for a PDF copy.

Oxford Clinical Psychology have several pdfs on their website for the Treatments That Work series.

I expect there are some good videos about CBT on YouTube but I've not looked yet.

The 'Thrive' app is very good too. X

[vanessi in reply to Dell12345]

Thank you so much for your recommendations. I wish my pain and everything could go away for at least 5 days that I’m gonna be away from home. I feel very vulnerable. I thought going on this trip on my own was gonna help me but instead I feel worst

[Dell12345 in reply to vanessi]

No problem at all. I hope you feel better soon. Keep us posted with how you get on X

[hypercat54]

Hi I can't add to the excellent advice from Dell but will add this. Stay well away from the man in France. From what you have said I am seeing huge red flags. How jealous he is, how obsessed, how controlling etc. He sounds like a narcissist and you need to steer clear at all costs. Dangerous people narcs. He doesn't love you either as people like this don't know what it is.

Change your number and never contact him again is my advice.

[vanessi in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you so much. I’m still here in the city tho. So I might come across with him. Returning home on Saturday.

[Agora1]

Oh my dearest vanessi.... how loneliness and alcohol can allow us to feel evenmore vulnerable. We must make choices for ourselves that can help settle us down.

Do you ever go back to Mexico? Is there family/friends there that may help you feel

more comfortable and able to take that break you so desperately need?

I can't imagine being in a foreign city, not speaking the language and surviving

emotionally.

Unfortunately, all the symptoms you suffer from are feeding into your Depression.

As others have suggested, is it possible to see a doctor/therapist to help guide

you on a different path?

I've known you a long time now. When does it become time for Vanessa to be

happy and enjoy her life? I care dear xx

[vanessi in reply to Agora1]

No. I haven’t come back to Mexico since 2019. Yes it is difficult to live in another country but I speak the language. I know alcohol can give us lots of sadness and problems.

I’m going be seeing a therapist.

[Agora1 in reply to vanessi]

vanessi, I wish you well with the therapist. Wishing you the peace and calm you so deserve xx

[vanessi in reply to Agora1]

Thank you so much