What's next.

[Dragoonlady]

Trigger warning: self harm

I don't know if this even right to post here. I just had my life blown up. I thought I was making progress, I thought I was getting better then last night happen. My husband dropped a bomb shell on me. Wants to separate but not divorce, he wants to have me live in the house we brought still work, cook, clean, and pay the bills but not technically be together. We been struggling for a bit. I've been upping my therapy, trying to reach out to local support groups, reading book after book, writing down my feelings, trying to take online courses on communication, he only see a therapists and I make it a point not to ask about anything unless he wants to talk to respect his journey to healing

Well last night he snapped at me and I told him not to talk to me like that which escalate onto a fight, which it's my fault I should of stayed calm, and I should of used what I learn to keep myself from snapping back. I've been battling with my anxiety for weeks and the depression has gotten so much worse. Most of our problems are my fault cause I didn't reach out sooner, I didn't try sooner. He been caught talking to other women and told him I don't feel like that's appropriate communication with that. He told me how they all say to leave me even his therapist, ask why don't we just do that if am not making him happy let's not hurt each other more. We have kids together and makes everything more complicated. After he told me about what all these random women say, what his therapist said, he dropped that one me, he said if I didn't do what he ask he could get my kids taken away, I do everything to make everyone's life better and end up self neglecting alot. Am scared so bad I have single handle ruined everyone's life by me snapping back, I hurt him and now may be hurting my kids if I try to leave. Maybe he is right I should just do what he says. But the thought of him being with someone while I live in the same house hurts so much. I should of gotten help with my problems sooner. I should of been more adult and walked away. I want to not be here no more, i don't want to live and be the monster that makes everyone life worse cause it is my fault for it all. I just want the people i love be happy and do everything I can be helper and love them. I feel like a failure, I failed my kids and my husband. I failed everyone all the time. I don't know what I should do, i plan on calling my therapist asap tomorrow to get in early as I can. I just don't want to be burden on those I love, i don't want to hurt anyone by mistake and it feels like that's all I do.

Just hurts so much that I found him talking to random women calling me the "problem" that I've done nothing but hurt him. I've asked for months for couples therapy. I've ask if he needed space before this so I can do that. He gets upset when I leave him alone, he gets upset when i try to ask if we can look into getting help for each other. I don't want to upset him. I don't really reach out to my friends cause some are his friends also that would be wrong to get them in the middle they have lives and trouble and I don't want to cause them trouble either.

I don't have family to talk to, my mother was extremely abusive to me and my last relationship was a dv one, that still have ongoing hurt from that am working on. Seems like I failed my kids, that if I don't do what he ask that it will hurt them more. Am so scared right now, am scared of upsetting him more, am scared of making the wrong choices and making things worse for everyone I love. I don't know what to do. And am feeling like if I wasn't here everyone would be so much better cause I am the problem. Wish so bad I wasn't. Am so so sorry for writing this all out. I just at a lost till I can get a hold of professional help for tomorrow.

[Marysblue]

Oh I'm so sorry you're hurting.I hope you're feeling better. It is not all your fault. it's never all one person's fault. I think you're too hard on yourself. I hope you are able to get in contact with someone to help more. Always reach out to 988 if you need them for any kind of Crisis you're going through. They are there to talk and listen no matter what.

[hypercat54]

Hey hang on here. It is not all your fault at all. In fact it sounds much more his than yours. Its not your job to placate your partner you know as he is an adult and he makes his own choices. Its not your job to put all the work into a marriage and he can put none and walk all over you you know!

To be honest he sounds like a narcissist and he has worn you down to the point when you accept his view of you. He is just trying to keep you under his thumb and control you.

If you can get out then do please. Don't use the kids as an excuse to stay as it is far better for them to be with 1 happy parent than 2 miserable ones.

Look into other options available too. Most of all know that it is he who is gaslighting you which is what narcs do. Look it up online.

I don't have any answers I'm afraid but I hope I have given you some pointers.

[Dragoonlady in reply to hypercat54]

Only thing I really want to do is get to my therapist and then think of a plan I did end up reaching out a friend they are going to help me with trying to get a different bank account. Just so much on so little time I feel overwhelmed. Most of the issues does fall on my shoulders and I've been trying to take responsibility for it. I do feel like it's my fault I didn't try sooner. Just feels so wrong that I thought I was doing better then get hit with a emotional truck in sense, just sucks when you are so open to a person just to feel like they know how to hit every trigger to throw into most awful panic attack I've had in a min.

[hypercat54 in reply to Dragoonlady]

People like your partner are very good at manipulating others to get what they want. Which is the adoration and control of others to give them their feelings of power and to recognise how superior they are. They thrive on it.

I don't know if he is a narc or not so have a look and see what you think. But if he is they don't have any real emotions but just ape others. Inside they are sad empty people but they are very dangerous too. They will do anything to maintain their self delusions and would throw their nearest and dearest under a bus. Usually metaphorically speaking anyway.

They don't know how to love and can only use others for their own satisfaction.

[hypercat54 in reply to hypercat54]

lifehack.org/823381/relatio...

[Bekindtoyou]

Firstly take some deep breaths......things said in anger are not usually meant the way they sound. Secondly he's not wanting to take the kids away. He asked if you two could still live in the same house but not actually "be" together.So no kissing or cuddling or sleeping together but at least he's not up and gone and left you to deal with everything alone. It may be that you both need your separate space at this time to work through the issues that it seems both of you are facing.

Agree to give him the space he wants. Work out the responsibilities with the children but agree to not bringing anyone else into the family home. In that way family time is kept sacred.

Agree to fair access - if you want to go out to the gym or for a drink with a friend in the evening that he would be there to look after the children. Likewise if he wants to go out you will, of course, be there with the children.

As I said - his initial request is not as bad as it seems and will hopefully give each of you the space to heal. This needs to be agreed in a calm manner where you both agree to maintain "normal level" voices.

Good luck but remember you are stronger than you realise you just don't seem to be in the right mindset to realise it.

[CLB1125]

everyone has given you good advice. I have to stress this, it’s not all your fault! I live with a man that talks bad to me and I always feel it’s my fault when in fact if he talked to me respectfully I wouldn’t get over anxious and snap at him. As they say it takes two to tango. And it’s not right that he’s discussing his marital problems with random women.

If it’s possible to live in the same house peacefully it would be good for you to have time to sort out what you want do. But don’t think for a minute that it would be better for you to be gone! Your children need you! Kids don’t care what your faults are, they just know mom is there to love them!

Good luck dear, glad you came here and talked with us.

[Dragoonlady]

Am just full of confusion, am told one thing then the opposite, don't know how to describe my feelings. Am so scared of making the wrong choices. I do want what's best for my kids what will benefit them in the end. I know i will need professional help. Just slapped with emotional rollcoaster, then having the fear that once my ex gets wind of stuff is he going to try to hurt me, what will I guess my ex inlaws will do. Are they going to try to run me off? So much prep I need to do I feel overwhelmed. I thought was safe place now am not so sure. I really do appreciate the advice and I keep telling myself not to make any rush decisions and take it slow but part of me is screaming run for the hills. It's all so much in such little time. Am just froze a little

[MaggieSylvie]

What an outpouring! My heart goes out to you. I don't usually offer advice but if I were in the same position I would definitely want to push for couples counselling. A trained therapist would ask you both relevant questions in a safe space, and I feel that is what you need, and you need someone to give you hugs when you need them (not that it's likely from a therapist) - from a friend. You are not the problem but the problem needs to be faced with the help of someone trained. You are loved. Please find help from someone in your home town - even if it's just you to begin with. 😊😊Stay strong.

[PrettyinPink3436]

Everyone has excellent advice. Something I would definitely add is to find God. You might be rolling your eyes (hopefully not) but God loves you and listens when we pray. And if you’re a Christian, He will guide you to be the best you possible outcome.

And listen when ppl tell you that you matter and everything is NOT your fault. He’s sneaking around talking to other unknown Women about YOU! How dare he! Don't take on other people’s feelings and emotions (I.e. Your husband) as your own. You’ve got your OWN opinions and they are more important than anyone else’s. Good luck to you

[Teaching]

So sorry about this. Please stop beating yourself up because I don't think you are the problem. It takes two to tangle and if he's not ready to keep working with you, you can find alternatives for yourself. Please dust yourself and move on.

[Elizabeth830]

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. You and I have similar stories. I got the strength through friends and HU community members to get out. It’s not your fault. These types of people are experts at making it look like your fault so they come out innocent. Mine was having an emotional affair. No one, doctors, relatives, friends, my own child thinks it is my fault. Instead they think that I have just been slowly abused over the last 30 years. He is the only one that doesn’t realize what he is doing is wrong on so many levels. I got to the point that I would beg him to just love me…no one should have to beg to get love from a spouse. I read a quote once that said he would go to the moon for a stranger and feel totally comfortable leaving me home crying.