I lost the love of my life this week and I'm so sad.
It's my fault he's gone, I finally drove him away after 16 years with my mad ramblings and my angry outbursts , my paranoia and being constantly miserable.
This guy is the sweetest most patient guy I've ever met, he would go out of his way to do things for people even those who treat him like something they stepped in ( this would make me so mad). Everyone has their limits though and I finally pushed him to his.
He had a shock to the system this year too his brother and mum passed away within 10 days of each other, this i think swayed his decision to not be stuck with me, to go out and live life to the full. It's such a shame it's with a girl half his age who's more of a wreck than I am ( I don't understand the logic there)
It's sadder still that we have children our eldest is going into his GCSE year now, he's mildly autistic and has a hard time talking about his feelings I'm scared what this is doing to him.
Our beautiful girl I know is putting on a brave face and I'm so angry with myself because she appears so strong I'm projecting all my feelings onto her, talking to her about things no 13 year old should deal with.
It's because I have noone else all these years it was me, him and the kids I didn't need anyone else, I don't talk to what little family I have and I have never bothered to make a friend so right now I have noone.
He says I can stay in the house and he'll help me sort out the rent and bills etc because at the moment he does everything, I don't have a clue. My only job in the week was to do the food shop and what a state I got into just doing that!
I feel so bad for him though, his whole life is in this house he has built up our home always payed for everything and he's left it all. It should be me that's leaving, I'm the cause of the break up, I don't deserve to stay!
An example of how bad I get is yesterday I was so angry because he hadn't text me back about something I was screaming at him down the phone, literally screaming!
This scared my daughter and she started screaming and crying, he came round because of this and I just wanted to leave there and then, no shoes, no phone, no money, nothing.
He was telling me if I left I was never to see the kids again, ever, and I was willing to do that! I was pleading with my crying son and daughter to stop blocking the door and let me out because that's what was best for them and they would be fine with just Daddy.
The whole time could see what I was doing to them, it was like the small bit of sensible Rhi was in there watching what I was doing begging for me to stop and I just couldn't.
If course now I feel so bad for that outburst I feel so bad that I did that, it's done and I can't change it.
This is another thing of mine, deeply regretting past actions and getting angry because they can't be changed.
I keep saying sorry to my partner for wasting his years, for getting pregnant so early in our relationship and burdening him with me. He tells me he doesn't regret the past but I don't listen to him, I never really listened to him (another reason he's gone). For years he told me to get help but I always put it off I was always too worried that if I got better through someone else's help he would be mad because I listened to them not to him I left it too late.
I could ramble on forever there's so much going on inside my head it feels so full it buzzes like a beehive.
What to do now?
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RDC81
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Thank you for reading my ramble, it's much appreciated. I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation, but it's reassuring to know I'm not alone, thank you for your advice I am going to start writing things down for sure.
I definitely need help I know this, but I'm not sure where to go I had an appointment with the nurse yesterday, funnily enough to get the pill which of course is not needed now, but I kept the appointment because I knew I wouldn't make another one if I cancelled. She shoved a tissue in my hand and practically pushed me out the door to see the duty doctor two and a half hours later I had a prescription for some valium to take if I needed it and a website address that's no help till Monday I feel a bit put off and lost.
Hi it takes 2 to keep a relationship together and 2 to break it up, so why are you taking all the blame. He might have gone out to work to earn money but he has only been able to do this because you are at home looking after his children. This should be a partnership and as far as I can see has been.
It is very big of him allowing you to stay in the house I must say (I am being sarcastic). Does he expect you and his children to be out on the streets or something? Any judge would award the children and the adult who looks after them the family home so don't be fooled by this.
You didn't make him do anything including leave you or shack up with a woman half his age. He is a grown man and makes his own decisions. He could have left you many years ago if he wanted but chose to stay. It is nothing you said or did which drove him away and if you had behaved differently it wouldn't have changed his mind. Many men like to trade their partners in for a much younger model and it's because they are trying like a fool to relive their youth.
Stop apologising for yourself and taking all the blame on to your shoulders will you as he is at least partially to blame too. Stop worrying about him or flagellating yourself and concentrate on making a new life for yourself and your children. Oh and best to find a doctor or counsellor to offload to as you know it is a very bad idea to burden a young teenage girl with it all.
I'm so worried about doing that to her, my childhood was a tough one and probably shaped the person I am now. Definitely need to sort it out! Thank you xx
This situation sounds hard, and I can’t imagine what this feels like for you, but as when I was a young girl, I was also burdened by my parents, as my father is an alcoholic, I can understand how your daughter can feel. This put me in a terrible state, and I must please ask you to go to a counselor or get any type of professional help because burdening your child with this is not going to help.
Secondly, on the subject of your husband, at the least he is trying to sustain you, so you should get back up on your feet and get control of your life, because even though for the meanwhile it is very helpful, him controlling it will get bad.
You can do this by getting professional help, putting your life in order by getting hobbies, making friends, having a daily routine (gym, classes, etc.).
By doing this I don’t expect you to recover, because anxiety/depression is not something you can recover from, not from one day to the other. And you have to understand this, truly understand this and not let it put you down.
While my ex and I dont have children in common and I'm sure that makes it harder, I lost my "one" in March. My mental health issues after made things worse, I kept trying to contact him justifying my behavior and making excuses for myself and trying to fix things. I got so depressed I attempted suicide in and ended up hospitalized. It still hurts. I still keep his pictures around, a scrapbook of our relationship, things that frankly hurt. I was surprised 3 weeks ago when he emailed me, though it was rather rude, I hadnt contacted him in some time and he said to leave him alone. So I told him I would and I was sorry, in retrospect, I see what I've done and I'll honor his request. He responded by telling me great things about how hes doing, and of course I replied that I'm really proud of him. Then he said goodbye. Cue tears.
I emailed him a week later and told him I don't understand, hes really confused me. He knows I'll always love him and he pushes me away and then tells me all of this great stuff and I just want him back more. Why would he do this? Of course I was hoping to hear he was considering maybe I got better and it was worth a second a chance - no reply. He has blocked my phone #.
So now things are as fresh and depressing as they were in March. What I do is keep a journal with me at all times. It keeps me from bugging him but also, and more importantly if I have a thought of him or a memory or any feeling or need to sort out, I can put it on paper to hold on to, release, or bring to my therapist to share later. Even the dreams I have of him are in there. It's the only thing that seems to help me.
Thank you for responding to my ramble, and I'm glad you are here to do so, I'm sorry to hear you've been in the same situation and have been through so much after. It's hard when they just shut off their feelings I don't understand how people do it.
Writing things down is a good idea and I did try it this morning but I could write fast enough to keep up with my thoughts and I wouldn't be able to read it back. But if it keeps us going it's worth doing.
Thanks again xx
I never read it back. Sometimes I think about it and I know I'll be a mess. I had once been harassed by my ex-husband's new wife and the police suggested a call recorder on my phone. I forgot I had it there, I have about 50 of our phone conversations recorded. I cannot delete them, but I cant listen to them either. I miss his voice all of the time but I cant... I know once we joked and opened one and i had woken him, and in this call he had been talking absolute nonsense and we were both laughing and enjoying it, it's a great memory, but I know how much it will hurt to hear.
It's nice to hold onto the fact he did love you and I seriously doubt his feelings stopped. I use a rabies analogy, lol, when I apologized to my ex (the last email he didnt reply to). I said; you have this great beautiful dog who you havent vaccinated as shes always been loyal, by your side, behaves like a champ. One day she gets loose and comes home acting oddly, behaving different, almost intolerable, at points you want to kick the dog to the curb, and she bites you. You find out when she got out she got rabies. Who's fault? Yours for not vaccinating her or hers for getting out? Doesnt matter - end result is the same. The dog gets treated, as do you, feels awful for biting her loyal companion, but it happened, all she can do is hope you know how sorry she is. The rest is up to you and whether you can take a little bit of responsibility for the dog you loved.
It was my way of comparing what was an episode of severe depression/PTSD. It came out of no where, he had dealt with my depression, he knew how to get me through it, but he couldnt handle me when the flashbacks and all started to plague me constantly. I was paranoid, I was someone else and I treated him terribly, or at least I feel I did.
For me it's going to be a struggle to regain his friendship because I'm respecting the no contact unless he says ok. With children in common, you have a relationship, just a really horrible one right now. Hopefully over time, even if just for the children, it grows stronger. I'll be hoping for you! 😘
I like the rabies analogy, I'm going to think of that every time I'm having an it's all my fault moment. Thank you for sharing that with me.
I'm terrible for dwelling on the past and going over and over things I can't change so maybe it'll be a good idea to practice writing them down and locking them away because I know it'll keep damaging me and keep me from moving on.
I'm glad my broken heart is helping someone! Guess it helps to understand. Mine told me when he surprised me by writing that he hadnt read any of my emails because he knows I blame him for everything, yet all the while, I blame me 100%, but he did bring up his drinking and how he stopped, so perhaps it only took him 6 months to find a little fault in himself. I never saw it as an issue, though. Perhaps we both have huge guilt complexes!
But dont blame yourself entirely, that hurts, taking responsibility is great, like my analogy, but also he certainly made some missteps I'm sure. And it definitely seems hes in his own little crisis at the moment and isnt going to see that.
Stay strong. Which I can tell you are by getting on here, it's a pretty brave thing to do even in anonymity to share this stuff. I did once and people were rather rude calling me codependent and badmouthing him like they knew him, that didnt help me at all, plus I'm one of the most independent people I know! Feel free to write anytime.
Man do you need counciling??? That was a lot to read, but I got the jest of it. Sounds like he couldn't take it anymore??? The deaths in his family pushed him over the Top??? Since you're admitting to it being mostly you and that's great that you're taking responsibility for it, sounds like it's TOO late, he's found someone else that's taking him out of his misery. So accept what is and move on. Dont let your behavior interfere with co-parenting, the kids come FIRST ALWAYS. Get counciling so you won't do this to future relationships???
I'm glad your not upset about my response, I don't like lying to people it does no one any good if you tell them what they want to hear? That's how we GROW, I know you will, I had my rough times also, my kids and I we're at one time homeles, left an verbally abusive husband, needed to get out before it could turn physical. He was a womanizer 2 kids from other woman. That was about 20 years ago, best decision I ever made. I truly Wish you the Best. You'll hopefully look back and say the same?
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